Great Scott! 

I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw the letter posted in your June 30, 2001 newsletter by "Sad Sam," of Horsham Township, PA. He claimed that the ghost of King Edward VII appeared before him and revealed a foolproof way for him to steal money from an armored car company. I too was visited by the ghost of King Edward VII and was likewise guided in the pilfering of a rather large quantity of money. I now suspect that there are others in the world besides Sad Sam and myself with similar experiences. When my encounter with King Edward VII transpired I was working as a night watchman at The Federal Mint in Philadelphia. I cannot remember the exact year but I was only about 25 years old at the time. There were several men attached to my security detail and I was the most junior. The other guards were very mean to me and always made fun of me because I had an artificial limb (which I got during the war). One night the other guards pulled a terrible practical joke on me and hit me over the head with a billy club and then locked me inside a cleaning supply closet. While I was in there I became dizzy from the ammonia fumes and began to hallucinate. Then I saw a tall shadowy figure appear before me. He spoke with an English accent and informed me that he was the ghost of King Edward VII, son of Queen Victoria. I believed him because he was dressed like a king and looked very regal. He then told me that he had a plan that would net me lots of cash and fix the wagons of the other guards. Up until then I had been a law-abiding citizen; however, the king’s plan was so simple and foolproof that I went along with it since I would have been a fool not to. In fact, I couldn’t believe that no one had ever thought of it before. Sure the mint noticed all the missing money but as the king predicted the other guards were suspected and arrested. It was sweet revenge when the other guards were convicted and then sent to prison for the rest of their lives. In the end I netted well over a million dollars and hid all the money in a Swiss bank account. I actually kept my job at the mint until I retired in 1978. Then I skipped off to merry old Switzerland and withdrew all my money, plus interest. Since then I’ve been living the life of Riley! Unlike the armored car robber guy, though, I actually use my money for philanthropy. I feel I am justified for my theft because countless people have benefited from my kindness and good will (except, of course, for the other guards who are still in prison).

Jefferson T.
Devon, PA

Dear Mooj,

My life is in a downward spiral because of my stupid boyfriend. He uses me for money, tells me lies, drinks, takes every sort of drug there is and is always in trouble with the law. Before I met him I had money in the bank, a car, friends and a full-time job. I was also in pharmacist school and had the respect of my peers and family. All my friends and acquaintances have now disappeared because they hate this guy and now I feel totally isolated. He is my first boyfriend. I am scared that if I lose him no one will ever love me the way he does. He makes me feel wanted and desirable. I live in hope he will change but is it worth waiting to find out? Also, how can I get one of those Mooj Head T-shirts?

"Libby"

Mooj,

Please allow me to respond to your Buray Bengali feature in the June 30 Mooj newsletter. I thought it very funny! I forwarded it to my father, who is the Deputy Assistant Associate Health Minister of India. He, like me, knew exactly who your "Depak Chota" character was supposed to be and thought it very funny! He has forwarded it on to the other members of The Indian Parliament and several have found it just as hilarious. Keep up the good work, yar!

K. Venkatappa,
Bangalore, India

Dear Mooj,

I got a complex about the size of my manhood after my wife’s ex husband took his out at my stepson’s wedding and showed everyone how big it was. My heart sank when he displayed his tackle—it was much bigger and longer than mine ever was! Now I can’t shake off the feeling that I’m totally inadequate. I love my wife and I know she loves me. We have been married for over 10 years and she has always told me that her ex husband was a real jerk and was always embarrassing her. But I started drinking and called her a liar when she said that size doesn’t matter to her. I just can’t help thinking every time we are intimate now that she would rather be with her ex-husband. What should I do? Also, can you send me a Mooj Head T-shirt?

K. L.,
Pueblo, CO

I was floored when I saw the letter in your newsletter from a fellow named Sad Sam. He claimed that the ghost of King Edward VII (of England) appeared before him in a vision and told him how to pull off the perfect heist. After reading Sad Sam’s account I now feel compelled to tell the world about my very own encounter with the ghost of King Edward VII. I too stole millions of dollars worth of stuff and got away with it. This occurred during the summer of 1951, when I was a private in the army stationed at Fort Knox, KY. Besides having gold at Fort Knox they also had priceless artifacts that were recovered from Nazi Germany. All of us guards were sworn to secrecy and told that we could never tell anyone what was there (besides the gold). I still honor that pledge and so I won’t tell you what I stole but just say it was worth millions! I too used a simple ruse that was revealed to me by the ghost king. He appeared to me one night when I had been drinking excessively at the enlisted man’s club. I was in no condition to argue with a king and so I obeyed his wishes and did exactly as he instructed. Most of the treasures he instructed me to steal were one of a kind. I hid these items in my footlocker and then used a list of art dealers that the king provided me with to sell them. Since the army had not yet catalogued these objects they had no idea that they were missing. I was paid in cash for my objects d'art and stashed all the money in a safety deposit box. I didn’t spend a dime of that money until after I got out of the army (as was in the plan). Even though I was a technically a millionaire I still acted like any other buck private. I don’t really feel bad about what I did since no one lost anything and as far as the art word is concerned it got back some of its Nazi-looted treasures. I actually did the world a favor and made a few bucks along the way.

Anonymous

Dear Sir,

Years ago I worked at the Hanford Site near Richland, WA. I was a physicist from the University of Chicago and was instrumental in helping produce the highly enriched plutonium needed for the war effort. When the war was over I was asked to remain on at the Hanford Site to assist in other on-going research. One night I couldn’t sleep and returned to my office. It was a very warm night and I had been days without sleep. I had a bottle of Old Grand Dad in my desk drawer and so I poured myself a drink. After taking a few sips I became very dizzy and fell and hit my head on a chunk of gadolinium that was lying on the floor. The next thing I knew this ghost-thing appeared before me. He was dressed like a king. He informed me that he was the ghost of King Edward VII and that he had a brilliant scheme to net me lots of moola. During that period of my life I was pretty broke and had bitter feelings toward a co-worker who had stolen my girl. The king went on to explain that not only could I enrich myself but that I could also make this guy (that I hated) look like the fall guy. I was interested until I learned that I would have to compromise government secrets. I had no choice but to turn down the ghost’s offer. He seemed saddened that I wouldn’t trust him but he respected my wishes. The next day I pretty much figured that I had been dreaming about the whole thing. After reading "Sad Sam’s" letter from last week I am beginning to think that maybe it wasn’t a dream after all. No response is necessary. I was just writing to share my story and thoughts.

Menchausen Von Braün,
Huntsville, AL

Outrage! How dare you write such filth! I know exactly who "Depak Chota" is supposed to be and have contacted my solicitor to take the necessary legal action to stop your heavy-handed insults. Go to Hell, yar!

Muthukumar Baloot,
Bangalore, India

I have just been forwarded your Bury Bengali story from a newsletter you claim is yours. I was very unhappy with your portrayal of one of Bangalore’s finest citizens. I am sure that I am not alone when I say that you will not survive long in the publishing world if you continue to write such rubbish.

Mallikarjuna M. Narayanappa,
Bangalore, India

Ha! I commend you for your "Depak Chota" insult! Let the world know what a scoundrel that Muthukumar Baloot really is! I am a Mooj convert!

Vishnuvardhan Kasavalli,
Bangalore, India

I’ve read your newsletter for several years now and have come to the conclusion that you’re never going to write anything that is actually about self-realization or new-age spirituality. You totally suck as a guru! I want my minion love offering back.

Julie Gross,
Bonneville, TX

This letter is for Dr. Berg of Newark, NJ. Hey Jackass—that number 3 you see on all them cars down south is for the late Dale Earnhardt not Mel Ott! And besides, Mel Ott was number 4! Bill Terry was number 3 on the NY Giants. Go back to New Jersey you moron.

A Loyal Minion

I am so lonely. Please be my friend.

Raymond,
Lynn, MA

Mooj,

Who is King Edward VII? Is he like the king of England or something? I once did a semester overseas in England when I was in college. I always thought England was like this modern place but it wasn’t. Everyone there smelled bad because they only bathe once a week. They also all wear them same stupid "John Lennon" looking eyeglasses. I’m glad I live in America because England sucks.

JS

Dearest Mooj,

I desperately need your help. I am a female, aged 39. I was pretty much ready to give up on ever finding "Mr. Right" until I met him last night at a popular nightclub in Orlando called The Giraffe Lounge. I didn’t even want to go but my friend made me. (I hate those kinds of places because they’re such meat markets.) Anyway, I was sitting at the bar when this tall, dark and handsome man approached me and asked to dance. He apologized for being so forward and told me that he couldn’t take his eyes off me. I’ve heard it all before and so I pretty much told him to beat it. He stopped bothering me and left! I couldn’t believe it—a man who understood what the word "no," meant! I noticed him later sitting all by himself crying. I sat down with him and he told me that he was very sensitive and that I had hurt his feelings. "Wow," I thought, "a man who isn’t afraid to cry!" I felt bad and so I asked him if I could have the dance that he had offered to me earlier in the night. We danced and then fell in love! After our dance he asked me to marry him. My biological clock is ticking and so I can’t waste any more time waiting for someone else. But here’s the problem. Last night in the parking lot I saw that he had a Bush Cheney bumper sticker on his car! How could I ever marry a mean-spirited, pro oil, anti-environment Republican? Oh Mooj, what should I do? I need your response as soon as possible because I’m supposed to meet this guy at the courthouse at 4:00 this afternoon to get married.

Paige Deville,
Orlando, FL

How do I go about purchasing a t-shirt?

Mathew Grandi

Dear Mooj,

I am not one of those sensitive new age guys that thinks that a guru can solve his problems but I figure you’re so right about so many things that maybe you can help me out with my problem. I’m kind of in a pickle. Last night I met the girl of my dreams at a trendy nightclub in Orlando called the Giraffe Lounge. I hate those kinds of places and would never have gone, except that my friend begged me to go with him. I was having a horrible time until I saw the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. We danced and fell in love. Things progressed rather rapidly and before I knew it I had asked her to marry me. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that this woman is perfect—except for one thing. When I walked her to the parking lot I noticed that she had a Gore Lieberman bumper sticker on her car. Yeech! How could I ever marry a whacko liberal Democrat? I need your answer ASAP because I’m supposed to meet this woman at the courthouse at 4:00 today to get married.

Sammy Duppa,
Orlando, FLA

Your poetry sucks! No wonder people hate you.

Jeff T.

Please stop putting stuff in your newsletter about our sorority. We have no idea who you are or what your beef is with us. There is nobody named Crissy Snowden living in our sorority house so the letter from "Crissy Snowden" in your June 30 newsletter is a fake. This is the fourth or fifth reference to our sorority we’ve found on your website. You’re not even funny.

Mooj:

This is a secret coded message. Only a great swami such as yourself will be able to decipher it: 784 37hh h2d hi3d hhd dk3hd8 h3hd hdh 23223 ijjq’ iiio eoe e9de u3u3e 7t23 8fyh i732 jdh qds7 sqd2 dhwk- wwe 37hh 723. Respond in kind.

Double Agent PP-009
OHMSS

Moojer,

I actually had a boring week. I didn’t do anything wild or adventurous (except urinate on a telephone pole during my town’s 4^th of July parade after downing a 12-pack of malt liquor). I wish I could tell you about something wild and crazy but I can’t. Oh well. But that don’t matter because as usual I’m only looking for your amazing free stock market advice. What say you this week oh great swami? You’re making me a very rich man with your amazing stock picks.

Philip Krueger

I'd love to purchase an "Official Mooj Head" t-shirt. (I'm serious.) Any way possible of doing that?

SN

As I write this letter I am sitting on my bed in my motel room with the curtains drawn shut. I am naked except for a small doily that I have placed over my flaccid banana and golden nuggets. I expect the cleaning lady to enter the room at any moment. Ha! Won’t she be surprised when I jump up and dance a Scottish Jig for her?

Professor G. E. Lewis,
University of the Americas,
New Gabon
(Now on sabbatical in Pittsburgh, PA)

If you are a real psychic I beg you to help me. I just discovered that someone withdrew $3,000 from my church’s chapel improvement fund last week. I am the church treasure and I was on vacation when it happened. I keep the bank withdrawal slips in my drawer, which is always locked. Only the pastor and I have a key. I’m afraid that the pastor will think that I took the money. He’s already made snide comments to me about my new hairdo and tropical tan (which I got on vacation). Please tell me who stole the money. I am afraid that everyone will think it is I. Will I go to jail? Oh Mooj I am so scared.

"Worried Housewife"

You’re such a loser. We dare you to post this letter. You won’t will you? That’s because you’re such a loser.

The Bagley Sisters,
St. Mary’s, PA

Great one,

Last week I was in Philadelphia for the Elk’s convention and a bunch of us went to Bookbinder’s for dinner. As I was going downstairs to use the bathroom I saw that they had a bunch of pictures on the wall of the owner posing with celebrities. There were actually hundreds of them ‘cause I guess a lot of celebrities eat at Bookbinder’s. Anyway, I saw you in one of those pictures! Two of my Elk brothers were with me and we got into an argument over whether or not the picture was actually you. One brother thought it was Jerry Garcia and another said it looked like Eric Brazilian of the Hooters. Can you settle this for us? Were you ever photographed with John Taxim, the owner of Bookbinders?

HB

Attached is a sound bite that I recorded on July 9 at the ABC Liquor Lounge, on 43^rd Street in Chicago. I would assume that this had to be you since the man performing this tortured country blues medley was Punjabi-looking. He also had an assistant dressed in an ape suit passing around a hat for money. I think all your minions need to hear this so they can know exactly what kind of idiot you really are.

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