Dearest Mooj,

When I was fifteen I decided to run away from home and join the circus. That was back in 1963 when joining the circus meant something. I traveled all over the country and met lots of great people, including my first three wives. Along the way I learned some great tricks and became pretty famous as a sideshow freak. Then last year I realized that there was something missing in my life. I didn’t know what it was until I found your web site. Now my life is fulfilled! Hail thee, most worthy Mooj!

Salvador Romano,
Glen Falls, NY

The Mooj is happy for you Salvador. As soon as they clean up all the flooding damage at that T-shirt factory in Guatemala and can get them kids back to work I’ll send you an official Mooj Head T-Shirt.

Dear Mooj,

Back when I was a kid I found this old letter inside my grandpa’s army jacket. The jacket was in a suitcase up in his attic. I read the letter but it didn’t really make much sense because I was only about 10 years old at the time. I put the letter in a comic book and then lost track of it. Last year I found that comic book in a box of old things and was amazed to find that old letter still inside it. It was dated August 1945 and was written by some French girl. In the letter the French girl told my grandfather that he was the father of her newborn son. Since my grandfather kept the letter I can only assume that the child was really his. (My grandfather died in 1998 by the way.) My grandparents were married in the early 1940s and so if this child really was my grandfather’s then he must have been fooling around during the war. Anyway, to make a long story short I traveled to France and found this boy (now an old man). I was amazed to see that he looked just like my grandfather. This person knew nothing about his father other than it was an American GI. When I told this man that I was his long-lost nephew he cried and was so happy to meet me. He then asked to meet others in our family. I advised against it since my grandma was still alive and it would undoubtedly upset her if she learned about his existence. But my new uncle was adamant and so I relented and brought him back to America disguised as a visiting professor from Prague. I then introduced him to my family while he used a fake Austrian accent to hide his true identity. Now something terrible has happened. He and my Aunt Teresa (who is his half-sister) are engaged! My new French uncle told me that he doesn’t care if Aunt Teresa is his half-sister and warned me to mind my own business. He’s even threatened to have Aunt Teresa cut me out of her will (she’s very, very, very rich) if I cause him any trouble. What should I do? I never anticipated anything like this happening. I was just trying to do something nice for someone.

H. Jeffries,
Great Falls, WY

All The Mooj can say is that’s what you get for sticking your big fat nose where it didn't belong! Sometimes it is better let sleeping dogs lie! I suggest you tell your other uncles about what’s going on and you guys can work it out amongst yourselves which one of you will send "Uncle Pierre" packing.

Dear Mooj,

Several months ago I met this wonderful girl at church and we began seeing each other on a regular basis. At the present moment we are not physically active (if you get my drift). She has hinted several times that she is ready to move our relationship into that realm of activity but I’m a good Christian boy and my church forbids that sort of behavior. She’s totally cool and I really think I love her. I’m pretty sure that we’re going to get married as soon as we’re both 18 but that’s another four years! I don’t think I can wait that long! Since we’re going to get married anyway do you think it’s okay if we …you know… dance?

Baptist Bob,
Woodruff, SC

Gee Baptist Bob, you sound like a really nice kid. (You’re definitely nicer than most of the other derelicts from your age group that seem to send me letters.) If dancing will make you and your girl happy then I can see no harm in that. That is, unless, what you mean by "dancing" is what non Baptists call …you know….sex.

Yo!

Back when I worked at McDonalds I used to always pick up on chicks, especially when I worked at the Drive Thru window. My best line was, "Hey babe, you want some of this to go with your french fries? Chicks would always drive off pretending to be disgusted because I exposed myself but then they would always come back and give me their phone number. I was so cool back then.

Josh,
Kirbyville, TX

Hey Josh, as far as The Mooj is concerned you’re still cool. (Yeah, about as cool as Vanilla Ice.)

Moojer, 

I just found out that my mom and dad are joining this cult. They’ve been brainwashed into thinking that they’re flying to Jupiter on a magical spaceship to get cloned. They’ve given the cult leader all their money and property. My brothers and I have tried to talk sense into them but they’re beyond hope. They used to be really smart and I can’t for the life of me understand why they would fall for something as ridiculous as this. But that’s not why I’m writing to you. Here’s what I need to know. What stocks do you recommend this week?   

Philip Krueger

This Philip Krueger sounds like quite a guy.  (Wasn't this the same man that wrote in last week to tell us all that he was having an affair with his admin assistant?)  Since I am not one to judge others by their stupidity I will gladly give Mr. Krueger more useful stock market advice.  He can take it or leave it, The Mooj doesn't care. This week I recommend the following stocks from the S&P MidCap 400 Index: JEC, MUR, JNY, SYMC, ACF, ASD or BKH.  

Yo, T-Bone Mooj, whazzzup? 

It is I, your humble and anonymous cub reporter pal from The Washington Post. Sorry I didn’t write last month. I was too busy sitting in for the vacationing assistant deputy food critic here at The Post. But fret not Mahatma Man, for I haven’t forgotten you completely.  I still manage to check the daily wire services and national police blotters to see what you’re up to. I must say that I’m impressed. You’ve actually been a good boy lately! I hardly ever see anything reported that could be attributed directly or indirectly to someone resembling you or your Uzbek-Punjabi ways. In fact, I pretty much lost track of you since last April 10, when you stole a golf cart in Newport, Indiana. (At least I think it was you. The police blotter said only that the suspect was a Punjabi-looking homeless man dressed in a bright orange loincloth. If that wasn’t you then forgive me for my insinuation.)

I gather from your most recent newsletter that you’re now hanging with the homies in Chicago’s legendary south-side. I guess that’s as good a place as any for a Uzbek-Punjabi such as yourself since from what I hear Chicago has the largest concentration of Punjabis outside of Canada. I’m sure your bud J.J. Bigsby will have a hard time finding you since you should blend right in. Speaking of Bigsby, I have no idea where he is these days. I try to keep tabs on him, too, but to be honest I haven’t seen or heard much about him since he was last photographed rioting in Cincinnati (and that was a few days before the other ‘more famous’ riots).

Anyway I have nothing else to report. I must now bid you fond-farewell and head off to work. Chow for now, chump.

-Anon

As usual The Mooj is always happy to hear from his anonymous cub reported pal at The Washington Post. The Mooj denies any knowledge of any stolen lawnmower in Newport, Indiana.

For God’s sake! Would you please tell that idiot Jules Vermilion to get on with his story! For four whole [omitted] months now we’ve been waiting to read about his stupid sea adventures on the Enterprise (CVN 65) and he hasn’t even made it to the stupid ship yet! I recommend that you dump Jules from your newsletter and start telling your Travels with Mooj stories again. At least they had a point!

Jerry Kennedy,
Hobbs, NM

Mooj,

Oh My God….How stupid can that Jules Vermilion guy be? Please stop putting his stupid navy stories in your newsletter! I read the Mooj Weekly Standard for inspiration—not to be bored to tears!

Randy Trenton,
Petersburg, VA

Dear Mooj,

Please stop putting those stupid navy stories in your newsletter. I’d rather stick a bamboo shoot up my [omitted] and hop around like a kangaroo than read any more of that mindless crap!

Tom Robinson,
Columbia, MD

Dear Mooj,

In your April 22 newsletter you included a letter from a "Bubble Head Bob." This person alluded to the fact that there was a secret backroom at the Horse and Cow Bar in Vallejo, CA, where submarine sailors once performed certain pre-cruise rituals involving sodomy and human sacrifices. I speak on the behalf of thousands of past and present submarine sailors when I say that this "Bubble Head Bob" person is obviously a fake. A real submariner would never reveal such a thing. Those rituals are sacred to a submariner and things that may have or may not have happened in that secret back room of the Horse and Cow Bar are not to be discussed outside the submarine community. I ask that you remove the "Bubble Head Bob" letter from your April 22 newsletter and never publish any email messages from this fraud again. Thank you.

MMCM (SS) "Dolphin Danny" Dominguez, USN Ret.

"Dolphin Danny," huh? That sounds about as phony as "Bubble Head Bob." The Mooj will make a mental note not accept email from either of you two idiots again. How’s that for fairness?

Mooj,

A few months ago I met this really cool guy in an AOL Chat Room. He and I became good friends and we began sending e-mail to each other every day. Slowly I began to fall in love with him and then he asked me to send a picture of myself. I freaked out because I’m not exactly that good looking so instead of sending him my picture I sent him a picture of Jennifer Lopez. He wrote back that he thought I was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and said he wanted to marry me. To make matters worse he sent me his picture and he looked just like Ricky Martin! What should I do?

Karen Tox,
Vero Beach, FL

To be honest The Mooj thinks this guy is just messing around with your fragile head.  Guard you heart against such idiocy!  I could be wrong but I’m usually not.

Mooj,

The other day I saw this thing in the Drudge Report that said that Tom Cruise was suing some gay porno star for making outlandish claims about them spending an evening together. All this talk about gay porno stars got me thinking about your old pal Lance Worthy. What ever happened to that guy? Just curious.

-Unsigned-

Sadly, The Mooj has no idea where Lance Worthy is.  I am now beginning to become concerned since Lance has been missing for a number of months.

Dear Mooj,

I met a wonderful man on holiday in Haifa, Israel when I was there celebrating my 50th birthday and I just can't stop thinking about him. We met on his last night there and we walked along the beach and kissed. He was a very honorable man and because he was married we didn't sleep together. He said that I was the most special woman he ever met and that I would be in his dreams for the rest of his life. He left the next morning and all I know about him is that his friends call him "Puff-Dawg" and that he’s a drywall installer from Gary, Indiana. My life has fallen apart since I came back from Israel. I broke my leg in a jetski accident, got swindled by my former business partner, found out that my grandson is now in a motorcycle gang, and my sister just got arrested for passing bad checks. All I want to do is to go to Gary, Indiana and find this man and tell him how I feel about him. I've had terrible relationships in the past and this man made me feel so special. I cried like a teenager when I got home. Could you help me find this man?

Tina Viviano,
Asbury Park, NJ

"Puff Dawg," eh? The Mooj suspects that this person may be a fraud. I would be very leery of this person in the future. Did he, by any chance, hit you up for money that night on the beach in Haifa? (No need to be ashamed, The Mooj has used that trick dozens of times, except instead of being a drywall installer I pretend to be an IBEW journeyman electrician.)

Moo-aj,

I was making love to my girlfriend when she stopped to answer her mobile phone. I couldn't believe it! It was such a turn off. We were having a great time and then her phone started ringing. It was her friend. I was annoyed and felt as if my feelings didn't matter. I asked if she could switch it off the next time and she said no – that she might miss an important call. The following day I tried to call her but her phone was off. When I saw her later that day I told her I had tried to call her and she said she had turned off her phone because she was performing open-heart surgery (she’s a cardiologist). So she doesn't mind interrupting our lovemaking to speak to her friends, but she won't be interrupted when she's working? What kind of crap is that? We've had a few rows about this since. It doesn't seem right to me that talking to her friends is more important to my girlfriend than making love with me. What do you think of all this Great and Loving Mooj?

J. R. Ledd,
Hanover, PA

I have no idea what to think.  Perhaps you need to reevaluate your relationship with someone obviously more intelligent than you are.

What is the meaning of life?

Anonymous

The best way for me to answer this would be not to.

My heart is closed for about 6 months and emotional body heavily damaged. Is this experience needed and when will it end?

Martins Mednis
Cesis, Latvia

Ah, another foreigner in distress.  The Mooj feels this man's pain and will meditate and fast for him.  Hopefully his young heart will open again and he will find joy and happiness in the World.  The Mooj predicts that this person will be happy once again in the very near term.      

Hey Mooj,

I'm getting really frustrated here. I have been trying to win a free Mooj T-shirt for a month and a half now and have had no luck. Is this a scam? I think there is some kind of law required the names of the daily winners to be posted. I want to see that list! I've stopped going to work just so I can try to win. My boss has threatened to fire me because he doesn't understand what this means to me. He says I've been brain washed or something like that. If I could buy a shirt I could rest easier and maybe even go back to work. Please help me......I mean you no harm, I just want a shirt. Oh yeah! My mom sends her Love and her undergarments.

T.J. Carterhoffen

My records show that you came real close to winning a free T-Shirt this morning.  Keep trying!

Yo Mooj, I found your pal Lance Worthy! Check out this website:

http://www.co.nassau.ny.us/police/crimestoppers/cs013-00.htm

Your pal,
Ben Hamonica

The Mooj is sorry to report that this doesn’t appear to be the same Lance Worthy that was at one time my official sidekick. The Mooj remains optimistic and hopes that the real Lance Worthy is out there somewhere.