4-22-MWS

A Disclaimer: The Mooj Group (a.k.a. the "The Friends of Mooj") website contains or may contain forward-thinking and/or self-realization advice. The words "may," "will," "anticipate," "believe," "estimate," "expect," "future," "intend," "plan," "could," "should," "potential," or "continue" or the negative or other variations thereof, as well as other statements that relate to matters of the soul, spirit or abstract plane of embodied collective consciousness, that may or may not constitute lifestyle choices that reflect common sense and/or the laws of natural phenomena, are often used to clarify advice given by The Mooj. Such "forward-thinking advice" is usually given by The Mooj free of charge to those asking for it and this advice is not necessarily based on anything holistic, rather than the fact that The Mooj is a self-proclaimed Swami, who was granted unconditional omnipotence by Mother Nature via a 50-kV lightning strike. Minions, non minions and notable others, who elicit such advice should be cognizant of the fact that The Mooj is a wandering fugitive, with limited education and means, and possesses a propensity to affect people's lives in adverse ways. Should The Mooj’s advice prove to be flawed, or should actual reality, results, events and circumstances surrounding your predicament vary significantly from those reflected in your desired outcome, or should you lose lots of money, friends or be banished from your respective families, The Mooj is exempt from liability and, thus, cannot be held accountable. For more information please feel free to contact the Mooj at editor@mooj.com

First Things First. Greetings Mooj Heads. Those of you who are loyal Mooj Weekly Standard readers will notice something different about this week's newsletter. Is it that it contains more wisdom than usual? No. Is it that it contains Mooj Mail that was written by semi-informed, well-rounded minions? No. Is it that it contains stories that actually have a point? No. Is it that it contains poetry that actually rhymes and makes sense? No. Well, then, what is it? The Mooj has changed the look and feel of The Mooj Weekly Standard. Let The Mooj know what you think. If you like what you see then tell your friends. If you really like what you see then send money.

The Mooj Mail Bag
First the Good News: The Mooj Mail Bag was filled with lots of semi-coherent mail this week. Now the Bad News: The Mooj Mail Bag was filled with lots of semi-coherent mail this week.

Dear Mooj,
I graduated from The University of Wisconsin over a year ago. But now I'm completely broke, hopelessly in debt and can’t find a decent job anywhere! I studied hard for my degree in Women’s Studies and nobody out there will give me a job! This is obviously because of the grosser aspects of male-dominant social archetypes that are typified by gender-racist male chauvinism. I’m not the first person to be affected by these masculine-racist conditioning patterns; countless other sisters before me have also suffered because men are pigs and want only to keep us sisters in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant! Mooj, what can I do to find a job? I tried everything, including dressing really sexy and getting a boob-job.
Kelly Roman
Kenosha, WI
The Mooj suggests that instead of listing "Women's Studies" as your major [on your resume] that you claim, "Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer." Don't worry about knowing anything about computers. If you dress really sexy and showcase your new breasts you'll be able to keep your first job for as long as it takes to learn a few "marketable" skills.

Mooj,
Our 13 year-old son is now experimenting with alcohol. My husband and I have allowed him to drink some wine on Shabbat and holidays, but we have now caught him and his friends sampling our liquor whenever we are away from the house. How do I put my foot down without worrying that he will just find another venue, outside the safety of our home, to experiment with alcohol? Another thing that concerns us is that our son is now also experimenting with pornography, homosexuality, incest, devil worshipping, extreme sports, day-trading, heavy metal music, heroin, crack, non kosher food, cigarettes, marijuana, prostitutes, violent video games, gluttony, truancy, gang banging, body piercing, counterfeiting, tattooing and software piracy. Oy!
A Very Worried Mother
Westchester, CA
It sounds like your son is a typical teenager, doing typical teenage type things. (In other words, that's what you get for keeping your son in public school.)

How much longer will I live for?

Joey Hubert
Houston, TX
You have a long and prosperous life ahead of you. You are also going to win the Nobel Prize for physics, walk on the moon and marry Anna Nicole Smith. I also see a big Lotto win in your future. Oh wait...that's not you. I'm thinking of some other Joey. I'll have to get back with you later.

Mooj,
On a recent Trans-Atlantic flight to Paris I was seated in a row near the lavatory. As soon as the “Fasten your Seatbelt” sign turned off an old lady got up and entered the toilet. I sat there minding my own business but couldn’t help but notice that the woman’s lavatory occupation time was a bit excessive. Because I am a good citizen I rang for the stewardess and asked her to check on the poor old lady. The stewardess knocked on the door and was told that everything was okay. Another hour passed and the old woman was still inside the lavatory so naturally I felt compelled to summon the stewardess once again. As before, the woman inside the lavatory reported that everything was fine. Finally, after 6 long hours the pilot announced that the plane was landing and the lady finally exited the lavatory and returned to her seat as if nothing was wrong. Tell me Mooj, I just have to know. What the hell was that woman doing in the bathroom all that time??????
Glen N.
Devon, PA
The Mooj has no idea. Perhaps, .....and this is just a wild guess, she was going to the bathroom. Are you always this nosy?

Great and Loving Mooj,
My new hubby Edgar and I watch a lot of adult movie videos together and the actresses in these movies all seem to be able to do all sorts of things that I find extremely difficult and unpleasant. I told Edgar that I would try anything in bed, if it pleased him. But now I am worried that some of the things he wants to do may end up damaging me, our carpet or our new bedroom furniture. The actresses in these videos don’t seem to have any trouble doing these things and they all seem to enjoy it. I find most of these things painful and I cannot understand why I can't do it like they do it in the videos. It makes me feel inadequate. Am I different from everybody else?

New Bride in Covington, KY
The Mooj reminds you that this is a family-oriented newsletter and that certain topics shouldn't be discussed. This is obviously one of those topics.

Mooj,
I am an ardent outdoorsman and I bike at least 10 miles a day. Often when I’m out biking along a desolate stretch of highway I am verbally accosted by a man in a Tastykakes truck. I have no idea what this insane man yells, only that it must be offensive and/or threatening by the tone of his voice. The first time this happened was about four years ago and I thought nothing about it since I am often honked at or yelled at by angry motorists. But now it’s getting serious and potentially dangerous. Last night was the last straw—this demented fool not only slowed down to scream at me, but he also turned around and drove by me several times so that he could repeat his lunatic ranting and ravings. As with all the previous times I had no idea what this fool was saying. I have had enough! This afternoon I’m going to hide in the woods with my car and wait for this insane idiot to drive by so that I can track him along his Tastykake delivery route and then follow him home. Then we'll see who the crazy one is, won't we Mr. Tastykakes man? I wonder how loud and obnoxious Mr. Tastykakes man is going to be when I tie him up and then force feed him Tastykake pies through his [rectum]. I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!!!!

"Jetta Jerry"

Be careful out there Jetta Jerry, this Tastykakes delivery man sounds like a real nut. (But then again so do you.)

Dear Mooj,

Long time reader, first time writer. I am an engineer for a firm doing turbine engine work in Cincinnati. Shortly after I arrived back in Cincy (I worked in Maryland for a short while) I started being stalked by this crazy woman named Brenda Lee. The woman clings to me like saran wrap, and is always telling everyone about how much money I make, what kind of car I drive, etc. It's really too much, but I can't seem to get rid of her. I am a little afraid to do anything abrupt because the last time I broke up with someone badly I lost my jacket in the process. That wouldn't be so bad, but I just replaced it, and winter is coming. Any advice?

Confused Engineer,

Cincinnati, OH

P.S. My boss here at work seems to have a lot of Mooj memorabilia around his office. I have asked Ralph about it and he seems to get very defensive and secretive. Just though you should know.

Love is a funny thing. Although The Mooj is not a practicing love practitioner I have been known to help couples in need on certain occasions. You, however, I cannot help. As far as your boss goes there is a good chance that he may be the culprit hording my collective keepsakes (which my former interns sold off to make a quick buck). Keep an eye on him for me and I will pay Mr. "Ralph" a visit when I arrive in Cincinnati next week.

Mooj:

I’m a life-long resident of Stewartstown, Pennsylvania. You know who I hate more than all them stupid Baltimorons that keep moving up here? It’s them idiots living in Hopewell Township that think they actually live in Stewartstown. I got news for you folks, you don’t. Get a life! There, I spoke my mind.

Gerry Greene
Stewartstown, PA

The Mooj has no idea what this person is talking about.

Mooj,

Remind me to tell you about the time I was stationed in Saudi Arabia and fell in love with my Patriot missile battery commander. Right now I’m at work and I have to go attend to a customer that just pulled up to the gas pump out front. Talk to ya later.

Jack T.
Birmingham, AL

Sure Jack. The Mooj can't wait to hear all about it. (Note to self: Automatically delete all future emails from "Jack T." in Birmingham, AL.)

Great One:

A few weeks ago I was hiking all alone up in the Sequoia National Forest. At the worst possible moment I fell and landed in a big hole and broke both of my legs and my right femur. I crawled out of the hole using my one good arm and waited in vain for someone to come by and help but it was late in the day by then and the trail was completely empty. Soon it was dusk and I knew I was in trouble because there was nobody around and I was getting cold and hungry. Soon darkness was upon me and I heard the howl of wolves and grizzly bears. I knew that if I didn't get help soon I was pretty much a goner. As the hours wore on I became resolved to the fact that I would probably die up there in the mountains. I made peace with myself and scribbled a "goodbye" letter to all my loved ones on a roll of toilet paper. Then, just as I lay down to die I remembered something you posted on your Divine Life Society website. It was an essay that you had written many years ago and it had inspired me as a child. It was about self-reliance, sacrifice, focus, hope and rugged determination. I became energized as I reflected on your wisdom and from it I was inspired to stand up and walk down the mountain on my broken legs. It was a long and arduous trek but I persevered and made it to a ranger station. From there I was medi-vacked to a hospital in Fresno. I was a survivor and I owe it all to you most gracious Swamiji Krishnananda. You are a living saint! I am forever your most humble devotee.

Raj McGinty
Santa Clara, CA

Who is Swamiji Krishnananda? I'm Swami Mujaputtia Umbababbaraba you fool! You have your swamis all mixed up.

Will I ever get some [a word that is slang for a part of a woman's anatomy]?

Purpzey
East Norwich, NY

This obviously troubled "funny guy" must have wet himself with laughter as he typed in this sophomoric request for free Mooj psychic advice and then sent it in. Undoubtedly, as soon as he had finished doing so he called up all his loser friends up and told them what he had done and they all told him how funny he was. No doubt he and his pals have now been waiting impatiently for this week's Mooj Weekly Standard to be posted so that they can see if I actually answered his vulgar and stupid question. Well Mr. Purpzey I did. And the answer to your question is: No, you won't. In the future The Mooj asks that you and all your pimple-faced pals out there refrain from abusing a service that is designed to help people with real questions and concerns, not serve as an outlet for people like you to insult the piety of a trusted and noble swami like myself.

OK, what exactly are you in jail for and how long? Also, please don't send me any other mail besides the answer to my question. Peace out.

Justin, a.k.a. Da REAL Mooj

Actually the answer to your question is irreverent because The Mooj is no longer in jail. Obviously you haven't been reading The Mooj Weekly Standard lately and have some major catching up to do (about a year's worth). I suggest you look through The Mooj Archives.

I am so tired of my wife's 42-year-old son running up huge debts, which I have to pay. This idiot can’t keep a job and prefers to sit on his [butt] all day watching TV. I have tried talking to my wife but she just says he is her son and she has to look after him. What should I do?

M.H.
Escalante, UT

Why don't you contact that Swamiji Krishnananda person (mentioned above) and ask him to send your stepson one of his essays on self-reliance, sacrifice, focus, hope and rugged determination? Or better yet, tell him to start reading The Mooj Weekly Standard. That should inspire him!

This week's most favored story comes to us from "Paul," a self-described "Macho Man," living in the Pennsylvania Hinterland.

Auto Parts

Back when I was working my way through college I worked at a Napa auto parts store in Cincinnati, OH. One day a customer came into the shop and asked for windshield wipers. As is customary in such cases I asked the guy for the make, model, and year of his car. The fellow told me that he had a 1988 Pontiac Gooole.

I was puzzled. I had never heard of a Pontiac Gooole before and asked him if he was sure he had a "Gooole."

“That’s what it says on the car,” said the guy.

“Do you have the car here?” I asked.

“Yep, it’s parked outside in the parking lot,” said the guy.

“Do you mind if I go outside and look for myself?” I asked.

The man agreed and I followed him into the parking lot to see what a Pontiac Gooole looked like. When we reached the car the man pointed to the chrome name plate on the fender and said: “See, P-O-N-T-I-A-C G-O-O-O-L-E!”

What it actually said was: “Pontiac 6000 LE.”

Submitted below for your perusal is a summary of the newest members of the Mooj minion family. Since I have yet to enlist the services of a non-paid intern I was forced to dig through The Mooj Mail Bag myself and search for worthy Mooj minion candidates. Sadly, most requests were from jokers, jackasses, slackers, idiots and drunkards. From those requests I selected four [what I considered] sincere requests and approved them on the spot. If you sent in a request last week and weren't a joker, jackass, slacker, idiot or drunkard, and The Mooj did not accept you as a minion, then The Mooj apologizes for your rejection and asks that you try again (but do a better job of expressing yourself).

Another Story, You Ask.....

This week The Mooj was blessed with another story (if "blessed" is how you want to describe it) by Heddy Franscheska. Heddy is no stranger to most Mooj Weekly Standard readers because he sends in a lot of crap (er, I mean stories). Enjoy.

The Kung-Fu Kid

By Heddy Franscheska, Mooj minion #894

The other day I spotted something in my dad's garage: it was my old karate trophy. It was rusted in spots and the statue upon the top, a figure doing a karate kick, was bent. I had forgotten all about the trophy and how I came to win it in 1973, when I was only 9 years old. I won that trophy for placing third in the Ed Parker Tenth Annual Karate International Championships of the World.

Was I a great fighter? No, in fact I had never made it past the first round in any other tournament before or after that in my life. The Championships were held every year at the Long Beach Arena and I remember how overwhelming it was seeing all the people and action going on inside. I had been to about five or six tournaments prior to that, but nothing quite as exciting as what I saw on that day.

I knew most of the other boys fighting in my age group because most were frequent participants in other tournaments throughout Southern California. In my age group it was pretty well determined which kids were the best since the same boys always seemed to win—namely a guy named Chris Parker or one of those darn Walker brothers. Most of us other guys were scared just to hear their names!

My first round fight was memorable only in that I won. (I had never won a tournament fight before in my life!) By some miracle I also won my second and third round fights and soon the word spread because Mr. Mitchell, my instructor, and others from my studio, showed up to cheer me on.

By the time of my fourth round fight only the cream of the crop remained and I was horrified to see that I was paired to fight Steve Walker, you know—one of those badass Walker brothers. When the fight began Steve kicked me in the face and was immediately disqualified (in the Peewee division no face contact was allowed). I remember lying on the floor crying with Mr. Mitchell standing over me saying: "Don't cry, you won, you won!”

My next fight was with another well-known kid. I don't remember his name but he, too, kicked me in the face and was disqualified. I was now in the semi-finals!

I don't remember how many fights I fought, nor how many times I was hit in the face, but it was plenty! Every time I was losing the match to a much better fighter, the poor fool would somehow make face contact and be disqualified. I only lost one fight that day and finished in third place behind the other Walker brother and Chris Parker.

As was the custom in those days my huge three-foot-tall trophy was placed in the window of my karate studio along with all the other champion's trophies. I was sure one proud little boy and the fact that I never won another tournament fight again never bothered me. I guess you take your victories anyway you can get them.

Hey, The Mooj put the call out for more cop stories last week and Officer James complied. This particular story is a bit on the gruesome side and so it is not recommended for the squeamish or faint of heart. Children, women and Russians should probably not read it.

Cop Beat

As a veteran police officer of thirteen years I have seen and heard just about everything. You might think that what I am about to tell you is a complete prevarication but I swear it is the absolute truth. I went to the home of a local Russian mobster the other day. This Ruskie was kickin' the crap out of his ole' lady. Now this was a big dude, I'm talking 6'-3", 295 lbs. She didn't have too say much because the blood and bruises told most of the story. She was a little broad, 5'-0" a hundred and nothin' soaking wet. So I told this Ruskie dude, "Next time you feel like hitting someone call me." Well the stupid idiot took the bait. I have to say I didn't know if I could take him or not, but he was a typical dumb ass criminal, not to mention Russian (which adds to the stupid factor). This idiot stands up and says, "What you gonna' do, kick me in the balls or something?" So as any opportunist would I did. I kicked him right square in the nuts. I could have sworn one popped out of his mouth. That big tough guy lay on the floor for about 30 minutes, babbling to himself in Russian and wondering what the hell went wrong. I'm no one-punch cop. One punch cops are bulls__t creations of Hollywood. I can say, however, that I am a one-kick cop.

A Parting Poem

Unfortunately The Mooj did not receive any poems this week and so I am now forced to either write one myself or dig deep into The Mooj Reject Bin and find a poem that was submitted previously and discarded. Here's a reject I'm sure you will like. It comes from a guy calling himself G.G. the Polish Stallion. I can't remember why I refused to post this poem back when it first came in. (Actually, after reading it a few times, I now remember.)

O ŻOŁNIERZU KIELBASA TUŁACZU

WARNING: May contain subject matter not suitable for children

Hey pretty mama come have a look and see

I swing my big kielbasa just like Carl Yastrzemski

My pierogis hang with Polish pride and smack around with glee

Be my little babka and give a taste of your golabki

I’m the G.G. the Polish Stallion and I’m as happy as can be

New Minion	Something Special About this Person	Why this Person Wanted to Become a Mooj Minion (In His or Her Own Words)
Rusty Franklin Jr., #1241	Rusty is a 21-year-old divinity student from Bucknell University. Randy is currently performing 400 hours of community service as part of a plea bargain agreement with the Union County DA. Rusty says he finds working with the homeless rewarding but hopes that once his court-mandated community service is complete that he never has to see or smell another lazy, no-good for nothing, hobo again.	Imagine for a moment that the whole world and all that spews forth from under its thick fertile crust is radiant in blazing splendor. Then imagine at the same time that this blazing splendor stuff is going on that the ozone and atmosphere above the Earth is filling with love and good vibes. Now stretch your imagination even further and consider that all matter and antimatter, including quarks, neutrinos, fermions, bosons, positrons, neutrons and electrons are exploding with brilliant color, comparable with the sun, but even more brilliant! That’s how I feel inside my head when I read The Mooj Weekly Standard.
Roberto Eduardo Macadan, #1242	Roberto is a 24-year-old truck driver from Troy, NY. Roberto claims to be a second cousin of teenage heartthrob Ricky Martin. Unlike his rich and famous cousin, however, Roberto is living La Vida Pobre.	You have a very interesting web site Mr. Mooj. It's one of the best self-realization web sites out there. It has loads of good information on it and no pornography. Keep up the good work! Make me a minion and I will make you proud!
"Dennis S," #1243	Dennis calls Charleston, SC home. He also calls it the burial ground of many an unknown hitchhiker stupid enough to climb into his car with him.	I have tried really hard to fit in wherever I go but people scoff at me and treat me like an idiot. You may think that I'm exaggerating but I'm not. I have had more than ten jobs this year and it was pretty much the same at every place that I got fired from. Bottom line: mean people suck.
John R. Beeman, #1244	John works at the Dover Downs International Speedway. He once had his picture taken with Parris N. Glendening. Someday John hopes to be admitted to the British House of Lords, where he will be permitted to sit with his hereditary peers.	I read somewhere that purity is achieved by freedom from desire, and desire should be distinguished from necessity since one does not become free of desire by merely making freedom unnecessary. Though it is true that when one is hungry, one should eat, when one is thirsty one should drink and when one is fatigued, one should sleep but how do I know that these are needs and not desires? I am at a loss Great One and I have now been without sleep, food and drink for 15 days as I ponder this and other advanced paradigms of this once mighty green earth. Am I Mooj material? I think so.