4-16-MWS

Written and Edited by Mujaputtia Umbababbaraba, "Dr. Feel Good."

The Mooj Weekly Standard is published semi-weekly by The "New" Friends of Mooj Society, Dundalk, MD. All material published in The Mooj Weekly Standard is considered the intellectual property of The Mooj and may not be reproduced in any manner, shape or form without the expressed written consent of The Mooj or one of his non-paid interns. Stick by The Mooj and he'll stick by you.

Dum vivimus vivamus!

"Mooj Mail Bag"

Back in the old days the Mooj.com interns would log onto the secure Mooj.com web server and download the official minion email. Then they would screen the email for coherence, brevity and wit and then pass along to me stuff that they thought worthy of inclusion in the Mooj Weekly Standard. I then would take this rather large subset of material and filter it down further into about a dozen or so letters, that I felt represented the spiritual and metaphysical nature of this publication. Today, however, The poor Mooj is lucky to get any mail and so just about everything that gets sent in is pretty much guaranteed to make it into the newsletter. Hopefully, soon, the caliber and volume of minion corresponders will improve and we can get back to including decent email again. Until then the 300 (or so) regular readers of this fledgling newsletter will just have to make do.

Mooj,

Much time has passed since I last wrote you and many things have changed with the Bay Area Predators. The team has disbanded mid-season, undefeated no less. What gives? Why would they quit after winning so many games? It makes no sense to me. Can't you bring them back together?

"jimmy"

Yes Mr. Jimmy, The Mooj knows all about you and your fellow deadbeat hockey pals. I have many connections inside the The Ice Centre of San Jose and they all tell me that not only have the Predators not paid their league fees; but they have played 2 games on the dole. Since The Mooj is psychic he knows whom among the Predators has been paying his fair share and whom hasn't. Ironically, this would have been a fantastic season for the Predators and they would have been undefeated. Since The Mooj hates to see people he cares about suffer I am donating my first pay check from the Walden Pond Heritage Trust to help pay their league fees. I will also encourage other Mooj minions to give what they can to help those deadbeats regroup and finish out their landmark season. Mooj Heads, if you care (and I know most of you do) please send what you can to:

The Ice Centre of San Jose
Attn: Save The Deadbeat Predators Super Fund
1500, South 10th St., San Jose, CA 95112

Dear Mooj,

Okay.....I think I finally get it. This isn't a real self realization web site but some kind of a joke, right? For six straight months I have been reading your stupid Mooj Weekly Standard, hoping to learn something about myself. Not once in the last year (that's as far back as I have read in your archives) have you written one thing about self realization, metaphysics, philosophy, collective consciousness or anything even remotely spiritual. Like an idiot I thought maybe I was missing something. I take my spirituality seriously and find little humor in what you are doing.

Sincerely,
Seth Rajmahala
The Temple of Inner Awareness
Santa Monica, CA.

To be honest Seth I was very troubled by your letter. As far as The Mooj knows most of my minions are happy with their everyday lives and so I don't try to clutter up their minds with stuff that is above and beyond their level of collective consciousness. Try to calm down a bit and find true inner harmony in your life. The Mooj is here to help you not actually live your life for you.

Hey Mooj,

I drove down to see you last week at Walden Pond. Not to sound mean or anything but I think you totally suck as a Henry David Thoreau impersonator. I'm not sure what planet William Farthington is from but it isn't Earth because you don't look or act anything like Henry David Thoreau. You don't even look like someone from the 1850s! The last time I checked a history book Henry David Thoreau wasn't wearing a bright orange bathrobe, Old Navy khaki shorts, a Tommy Hilfiger hooded sweatshirt and bright blue Nike running shoes. Nor do I think that he spoke with a thick Punjabi accent. What's worse is that you don't even know the first thing about Henry David Thoreau or Walden Pond. I asked you some basic questions and you gave me answers that were totally bogus. I know that the Walden Pond Preservation Trust was having a hard time finding a Henry David Thoreau look-alike after their original guy ran off with the Louisa May Alcott look-alike but I think they could have done a better job than pick a guy like you.

Howard Rosenberg
Sudbury, MA.

I'm sorry that you found my Henry David Thoreau impersonation a bit lacking. Did I mention that I was new on the job? Don't you think that I realize I have a way to go before I perfect my transcendentalism and self-reliant vagabond skills? I can assure you that The Mooj is trying his best. I ask only that you and all the others who come by here (and seem to have nothing better to do than to sit and complain about how I look and act) be patient.

What exactly is a Mooj? Our 12-year-old son recently went on a field trip to Walden Pond and returned home with a pamphlet asking for help to arm and feed Buddhist monks in Tibet. He said the guy living in Henry David Thoreau's cabin gave him the literature and asked him to hit up his parents for money and bring it back to him. We are as progressive as the next family but find your methods of freeing Tibet a little extreme. We also did not appreciate you giving our 8th grader free condoms. The Walden Pond Heritage Trust will hear from us concerning this matter.

Sincerely,
Mr. and Mrs. Holmes
Concord, MA.

The Mooj doesn't recall giving any kid free condoms. The Mooj suspects that your child may have been the bastard who went through my chest of drawers and swiped all my personal toiletry items. That's the trouble with living in this stupid 10' x 10' hut: I have hundreds of visitors each day and everyone seems to think its okay to come into my house and walk off with something. I doubt the real Henry David Thoreau had to worry about crap like that since people back in the 1840s were probably more honest than they are today.

Hey Mooj,

I'm a big fan of yours and can't wait to actually meet you in person. Next month the wife and I will load up the kids in the mini van and drive up to see you at Walden Pond. We know you must be homesick for some decent Philadelphia style food so we're bringing some Tastykakes, Goldenberg’s Peanut Chews, a Wawa Italian Hoagie, a genuine Philly Cheesesteak, some soft pretzels with mustard, a few bags of Herr’s and Utz Potato Chips, a six pack of Frank's Black Cherry Wishniak Soda, a few cans of Bookbinder's Snapper Soup, a case of Yuengling Lord Chesterfield Ale, some tins of Habbersett Scrapple and one long Taylor Pork Roll. Let me know if there is anything else we can bring you and we'll toss it into the old Dodge Caravan. On a sad note I must admit that our visit is not just for pleasure and will be somewhat professional in nature since we are bounty hunters and tasked with bringing your outlaw Uzbekistani-Punjabi butt back to Chester County to face justice. No funny business Mr. Mooj and you won't get hurt.

Jack and Beverly Strobbert,
Chester County Marshall's Office
West Chester, PA

After eating nothing but berries and figs for two weeks The Mooj will gladly accept your care package of Philadelphia style food.

This week's most favored story........

A Stupid Waitress Named Boob-ra

By H. Franscheska, Mooj minion #894

Many years ago when I was a teenager working at a Pizza Hut in Westminster, CA there was a waitress there named Boob-ra. Yes, Boob-ra (whose real name was Barbara) was endowed with humongous breasts; however, that's not why she was called Boob-ra. The real reason was that she was stupid. I mean really stupid! One Friday night during a dinner rush Boob-ra came running back into the kitchen and told us cooks that one of her customers left without paying. We cooks scrambled into action and caught the escaping felon before he could reach his getaway car. His wife and children looked on in horror as we tackled him, pinned him face down on the ground and then commenced to beat him senseless. Within seconds the parking lot filled with other patrons, who couldn't resist watching a scoundrel get taught a lesson. Finally, after a few minutes of this rough treatment we allowed the poor pulverized man to stand up and stagger toward his car (while his wife and children looked on and sobbed uncontrollably). It was at that triumphant moment that Boob-ra ran outside and yelled: “Never mind guys. I found the guy’s money on the table. Its okay he paid. You can let him go.”

(Mooj Note: It sounds like there was more than just one stupid person involved in this story......)

Parade of New Minions

This week another batch of new minions joined the legion of Moojism. While it is true that only a few people write in and that only 300 - 500 people actually read this newsletter, devotees continue to request official Mooj minion status. As we do every week let us welcome our new brothers and sisters with open arms and give them a big cyber hug.

Name Vital Statistics In his or her own words.....

Belle M. Jackson, #1219 Belle is a proud member of the Daughters of the American Revolution. Belle is 12th generation Pennsylvanian and lives in Delta, PA. She is the daughter of Welsh slate miners. Last year when I read your poem about Dutch Wonderland I cried. I would have requested minionship then but I was too afraid that I was unworthy. Now I am emotionally ready to follow you on your journey to self realization. Do I need to bring anything?

Hugh Hansen, #1220 Hugh is a 24-year-old Visual Basic programmer from San Ramon, CA. He is married to a woman named Nancy and has two children (Troy and Abel). His favorite book when he was a child was James and the Giant Peach. He also liked the TV show H.R. Puff n' Stuff and has been searching his whole life for his very own magic flute. Pranams at the lotus feet of Sri Mooj. Thank you for this beautiful website. I hope this will encourage more people to follow Mooj's simple teachings. Swami, I beg you to answer one simple question. Are only vegetarians allowed to serve you? I am willing to do charity work and have many good intentions but my only weakness is that I am not a vegetarian and eat lots of veal, mutton and lobster. One is fully aware that non-saatvic food is bad for oneself but does this stop one from worshipping at the feet of Mooj? Your response would be greatly appreciated.

Barry McCaferty, #1221 Barry lives in San Pedro, CA. He currently works at the Carls Jr. on Western Blvd, near the post office. He thinks his girlfriend is cheating on him because she won't return his phone calls or emails. Your web site is a fountain of knowledge. It has helped me to understand many things about myself and I now know why I was chosen by God to live the life of a wandering fool. Can you send me some money so that I can come out and live with you at Walden Pond?

Perdo Munoz, #1222 Pedro claims to be a close personal friend of Scott Weiland, the lead singer for the rock band Stone Temple Pilots. !yo querro mooj!

"Steve," #1223 Steve lives in Austin, TX and works as an advocate for the People's Republic of Texas, a non profit group that gives out free condoms and needles to homeless people in Texas (whether they need them or not). Blissful joy was my feeling when I stumbled upon your web-site for the first time. As a Mooj minion I shall spread the good word of Moojism to all the homeless drug addicts I meet each day.

Anonymous, #1224 This anonymous person is 67 years old and lives in Belcamp, MD. He or she has a high school education and likes to listen to The Bob and Tom Show. Dig this Holmes. Watch me dance! Watch me bust a move! If that ain't Mooj dancen I don't know what is!

Chuck Stevenson, #1225 Chuck attended Mater Dei High School in the early 1980s. He currently resides in La Jolla, CA. Right now as I type this my wife is in the other room watching the movie Valley Girls on TV. She said it's the coolest movie ever. I think it sucks.

Charles M. LeHeigh, #1226 Charles lives in Huntington Beach, CA and runs an adult day care center. He graduated from Marina High School in 1977. My memory is keen and dramatic of the first time my Kundalini was raised with Moojism. I was surrounded by gentle, swirling cool breezes and it felt as if a freeway had opened up inside my head! A feeling of great peace followed; it gave me such a sense of joy and pleasure. Unfortunately, the same thing happened at the other end too and I made quite a mess.

"Darnel," #1227 No information given. Well, first of all, if it weren't for you I would have probably died by now. I used to drink every day from very early in the morning until I passed out at night. I also smoked 2 packs of cigarettes a day, smoked marijuana, took ecstasy and popped LSD. I was basically living in a self-imposed rave. My first step toward recovery was when I met this truck driver named "Big Daddy” Roy Baker near Atascadero, CA and he told me all about you. Now I am clean and sober and want to become a Mooj minion to help others.

This week's story of inspiration ........

The Very Clever Mr. Richards

By B. T., Mooj minion #558

Anytime I write the word “you’re” or “your” I am reminded of a very interesting episode in my life that happened when I was in the 6th grade. I had a teacher back then named Mr. Richards and he was really smart. One day one of my classmates received an anonymous note with the following threatening message scribbled upon it: “You’re gonna get it after school.” The worried student turned this note over to Mr. Richards and Mr. Richards informed the class of what happened and asked that the guilty person step forward. Of course no one did. Mr. Richards then asked everyone in the class to write down the threatening sentence on a slip of paper and then put his or her name under it. He collected the samples and looked at each one carefully and then named the guilty person. This guilty person was in too much shock to deny anything and so admitted his guilt. After this person was taken to the principal’s office to be punished we asked Mr. Richards how it was that he knew who the guilty person was. Then, like Sherlock Holmes explaining a case to Watson, Mr. Richards said: "I made you all write out the sentence so that I could see how you all spelled the word ‘you’re.’ The guilty person spelled it Y-o-u-r. Out of the whole class only four people spelled it that way. Then out of the remaining four I looked for the person who most obviously distorted his handwriting, knowing that he or she would think that I was going to try and match handwriting samples.” I can’t remember who the guilty student was but after that I thought Mr. Richards was the smartest man in the world.

(Mooj Note: Mr. Richards does indeed sound like a very smart man ......much smarter than Boob-ra.)

Poetry At Large....

A Word of Caution!

The Mooj Weekly Standard

The Spanking Game

One Spanking
Two spankings
Three spankings
Four, I thought you had enough
But I see you need some more.

Five spankings
Six spankings
Seven spankings
More?

Eight spankings
Nine spankings
Ten spankings
More?

Your bottoms very red and my hand is getting sore!
You won't do what your told and the corner doesn't work
After I lay my hand on your rear end you act like I'm the jerk!

I'm, tired of your nonsense but tomorrow is another day
I wish that you would please behave
Because I really fear that on some awful day
You will go to prison where you will have to stay

Travels with Mooj (Walden Thoughts)

-continued from last week-

Life on Walden Pond would be much nicer if it weren’t for all these damn tourists that keep showing up and bothering me. Most of these would be “history/literary buffs” seem bent on complaining about everything, especially the way I look, act and talk (as if they were close, personal friends with the real Henry David Thoreau). My job description specifies that I must look and act like Henry David Thoreau at all times; unfortunately, my contract also stipulates that I must always “look busy.” My immediate supervisor is the man who runs the Walden Pond gift shop (he impersonates William Ellery Channing) and he shows up at my cabin every hour, on the hour, to give me hell about something or other. This ante bellum despot then forces me to either chop firewood or make pencils while the park guests look on in wonder. Sometimes if a large enough crowd has gathered in the meadow (near my hut) then I am forced to pull shingles off my cabin roof and then reattach them as if I was mending the roof or something. By the end of the day I’m so exhausted that I can hardly think straight. What’s worse is my cabin is cold and drafty and leaks like a sieve whenever it rains. Last night as I was lying in my slack rope bed getting soaked (while the bed bugs in my straw mattress viscously attacked and bit my legs) I wondered if the real Henry David Thoreau ever had it so rough out here in the wilderness. Maybe that’s why he finally left Walden Pond.
If I were the real Henry David Thoreau I would make up a list and compare what I’m paid by the Walden Pond Heritage Trust against how much The Walden Pond Heritage Trust actually makes off my labor. Since I got nothing else to do at this moment perhaps I should:

What I get paid each day:
$41 20
What rent for a 10-foot by 10-foot shanty would cost me in Concord, MA (per day) if I were not granted the privilege of squatting here free of charge:
$6 67
What my daily food intake would cost me if I wasn’t allowed free access to all the victuals I can find in the wilderness (or obtain free of charge from the local tourists):
Berries: $1 67
Bugs: free
Butter: $1 50
Pecans: $1 50
Tea: $0 50
Fish: $1 75
Woodchucks: free
Corn meal: $1 35
Beans: $0 95
Yogurt: $1 67
Indian meal: $0 45
Beer: $25 95
Brass Monkey: $4 50
MY TOTAL BENEFITS (per diem): $86 59
----
The value of the two cords of wood that I chop each day (which is then sold at the Walden Pond gift shop):
$250 50

The retail value of the pencils I make each day (which is then sold in the Walden Pond gift shop):
$12 25
Total daily gate receipts from all personnel entering the Walden Pond Heritage Park:
$500 00
Total daily parking revenues collected by the Walden Pond Heritage Park:
$80 00
THEIR TOTAL BENEFITS (per diem): $842 75.

Hmmm. It looks like The Mooj is getting screwed on this deal. Oh well.
On a happier note I should point out that my time here on Walden Pond isn’t totally wasted. Believe it or not I’ve actually become somewhat enchanted with the surrounding countryside and you might even say that The Mooj has gotten back to nature. I have definitely developed an appreciation for the simpler things in life. During the brief moments of solitude I acquire during severe thunderstorms (when tourists stay away) I am confronted with a wilderness that is alive with color and sound. I run naked through the woods and talk with the woodchucks, squirrels and wrens. Sometimes the deer and the antelope come forward; and together we frolic, as animals and humans sometimes do, in nature when only God watches. I guess when you get right down to it Walden Pond isn’t really that bad of a place after all.

-to be continued next week-

Closing Thoughts

Minion Market Place

Name	Vital Statistics	In his or her own words.....
Belle M. Jackson, #1219	Belle is a proud member of the Daughters of the American Revolution. Belle is 12th generation Pennsylvanian and lives in Delta, PA. She is the daughter of Welsh slate miners.	Last year when I read your poem about Dutch Wonderland I cried. I would have requested minionship then but I was too afraid that I was unworthy. Now I am emotionally ready to follow you on your journey to self realization. Do I need to bring anything?
Hugh Hansen, #1220	Hugh is a 24-year-old Visual Basic programmer from San Ramon, CA. He is married to a woman named Nancy and has two children (Troy and Abel). His favorite book when he was a child was James and the Giant Peach. He also liked the TV show H.R. Puff n' Stuff and has been searching his whole life for his very own magic flute.	Pranams at the lotus feet of Sri Mooj. Thank you for this beautiful website. I hope this will encourage more people to follow Mooj's simple teachings. Swami, I beg you to answer one simple question. Are only vegetarians allowed to serve you? I am willing to do charity work and have many good intentions but my only weakness is that I am not a vegetarian and eat lots of veal, mutton and lobster. One is fully aware that non-saatvic food is bad for oneself but does this stop one from worshipping at the feet of Mooj? Your response would be greatly appreciated.
Barry McCaferty, #1221	Barry lives in San Pedro, CA. He currently works at the Carls Jr. on Western Blvd, near the post office. He thinks his girlfriend is cheating on him because she won't return his phone calls or emails.	Your web site is a fountain of knowledge. It has helped me to understand many things about myself and I now know why I was chosen by God to live the life of a wandering fool. Can you send me some money so that I can come out and live with you at Walden Pond?
Perdo Munoz, #1222	Pedro claims to be a close personal friend of Scott Weiland, the lead singer for the rock band Stone Temple Pilots.	!yo querro mooj!
"Steve," #1223	Steve lives in Austin, TX and works as an advocate for the People's Republic of Texas, a non profit group that gives out free condoms and needles to homeless people in Texas (whether they need them or not).	Blissful joy was my feeling when I stumbled upon your web-site for the first time. As a Mooj minion I shall spread the good word of Moojism to all the homeless drug addicts I meet each day.
Anonymous, #1224	This anonymous person is 67 years old and lives in Belcamp, MD. He or she has a high school education and likes to listen to The Bob and Tom Show.	Dig this Holmes. Watch me dance! Watch me bust a move! If that ain't Mooj dancen I don't know what is!
Chuck Stevenson, #1225	Chuck attended Mater Dei High School in the early 1980s. He currently resides in La Jolla, CA.	Right now as I type this my wife is in the other room watching the movie Valley Girls on TV. She said it's the coolest movie ever. I think it sucks.
Charles M. LeHeigh, #1226	Charles lives in Huntington Beach, CA and runs an adult day care center. He graduated from Marina High School in 1977.	My memory is keen and dramatic of the first time my Kundalini was raised with Moojism. I was surrounded by gentle, swirling cool breezes and it felt as if a freeway had opened up inside my head! A feeling of great peace followed; it gave me such a sense of joy and pleasure. Unfortunately, the same thing happened at the other end too and I made quite a mess.
"Darnel," #1227	No information given.	Well, first of all, if it weren't for you I would have probably died by now. I used to drink every day from very early in the morning until I passed out at night. I also smoked 2 packs of cigarettes a day, smoked marijuana, took ecstasy and popped LSD. I was basically living in a self-imposed rave. My first step toward recovery was when I met this truck driver named "Big Daddy” Roy Baker near Atascadero, CA and he told me all about you. Now I am clean and sober and want to become a Mooj minion to help others.