First Things First.

Dear Mooj,

I am an aficionado of all cultures and languages.  I am fluent in English, French, Spanish, German and Love.  Because of my interest in all things foreign I read with interest the submission by Jose D. of El Paso, Texas in the 14 July Newsletter.  The letter has caused me to lose a lot of sleep trying to decipher its meaning.   I have included the submission in its original Spanish version, followed by my literal English translation:

Spanish:

El Mujo,
Soy un gran ventilador el tuyo.  Deseo ser buenos amigos con usted.  Puedo pedir prestado algo de su ingenio para impresionar mi novia?

English:

The Mooj, I am a great ventilator yours.  Desire to be good friends with you.  I can borrow something of its talent to impress my fiancée?

I can't figure out what this pendejo is trying to convey.  He is a ventilator of yours????? What the hell is that???   He wants to be good friends with you???  Ok, I guess he is a Liberated Latino who is not concerned with his own Machismo; I’d be careful around this guy and keep a tight grip on the soap if you know what I mean.  Finally, he wants to borrow something of its talent to impress his girlfriend??? What the hell is that?  Who or what talent is he referring to?  Why can't he impress his girlfriend without it?  Is he dating out of his class or is he lacking hot pepper in his chili???  Maybe psychic Mooj can get into this guy’s head and figure it out.  I'm getting dark circles under my eyes.

Adam Gagas
Solomons, MD.

Since the Mooj can't speak Spanish I had no idea what Jose D. had written.  Now that I read his exact words translated into English I see that Jose D. is absolutely brilliant!  What he has written is basically a paradox, much like that posed to the "Sleeping Prophet" Edgar Casey by Sir Warren Gebhard during the Great Oxford Debate of 1933.  What Jose has done is juxtapose the answer to the riddle within the riddle itself; and then eliminate all tangible evidence of it by adding a secondary point, which was pointless.  I feel it is above the scope of this newsletter to explain this any further.  It is rare that The Mooj Mailbox contains such high level thinking.  On the other hand, Jose D. might just be a complete idiot who is only just babbling on about something meaningless; I'm not sure.

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Hey Mooj, 

Thanks for allowing Lance Worthy back into your newsletter.  We are great fans of his and love to read about all his naughty adventures.  You should include more of his work.  So what if he offends people?  At least he’s honest (unlike you, you ugly creep).

The Bagley Sisters,
St. Marys, PA.

I'm not sure if your letter was meant to be complimentary or insulting; either way, I gather from it that you want more Lance Worthy.  Normally The Mooj would jump at the chance to have someone of Lance's talent contribute to this newsletter.  However, I get so much "Lance Worthy hate mail" after each appearance of his that it takes me literally weeks to sift through it all.  Sometimes I wonder if its worth it.  I guess I'll find out again next week.      

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Mooj, 

I saw a news clip about you on TV last week.  They showed you doing some kind of karate dance at an Uzbekistani Fraternal Lodge in Juniata, Florida.  It was amazing to see you perform such an intricate dance with your leg in a cast.  How’d you break your leg?

Jeff N.
Moncton, New Brunswick.
 
Actually, I did not break my leg.  Because of my physical prowess I chose to handicap myself  by putting on a fiberglass cast prior to the show to give others in the gala a better chance of out performing me.

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Mooj you suck!  Lance Worthy rules!  I checked Lance’s website and noticed that he had way more hits than you did.  And all he has is a stupid picture of himself lying naked on a tropical beach.  Dude, you should be doing guest editorials for Lance, not the other way around.  More Lance, Less Mooj!

Sean F.
New Iberia, LA

I am glad that you find Lance's website entertaining.  As Lance targets a completely different audience I am not insulted by your rude and insensitive remarks.  The Mooj simply wants to share "his world" with the rest of the world.  If your idea of entertainment is looking at a man who has had thousands of dollars worth of plastic surgery lie naked on a beach, go ahead.  Personally I prefer poetry, cooking tips, psychic readings and spiritual insight.

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Mooj, 

I like reading about your adventures on road.  I want to be part of Mooj Entourage but can’t get time off work.  Can you write my boss and see if he can cut me loose for a few weeks?  I’d love to ride Mooj Freedom Bus.

Dr. C.M. Ho
Director of Fusion and Plasma Confinement Research
Sandia National Laboratories
 
Yes,  The Mooj is always looking for a few good men!

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Mooj, since you were out of jail last week did you go to Woodstock '99?  I remember reading once that you were at the original Woodstock but I'm not sure if you were a performer or just part of the crowd.  Tell us about it.

Keven D.
Rhinelander, WI

In 1969, you may recall (if you are a charter Mooj Weekly Standard reader) The Mooj was still trying to cut his teeth in the music business.  After a few false starts The Mooj finally hit the big time with the band Sha-Na-Na.  The Mooj was, however, never credited on any of their albums [or otherwise mentioned in any of their press releases].  If you watch very closely during the movie Woodstock, when Sha-Na-Na is on stage, The Mooj is the guy Bowser puts into a headlock and then kicks off the stage.  I can't remember if this was part of the act or not.  I only remember being sternly warned not to go on stage (and I did).  

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Mr. Umbababbaraba,

By now you must be familiar with the dire situation you and your minions are facing; and you should now realize that it is pointless to continue with this senseless behavior.  As your duly elected Senator I urge you, on behalf of the good citizens of Pennsylvania, to surrender before anyone else gets hurt or any other law-abiding community is destroyed.  Under Scottish law you could be flogged for what you have done!  To date, Federal Agents have captured 343 of your so-called minions and confiscated fifteen tractor-trailer rigs, fourteen minivans, two busses, eighteen privately owned motor vehicles and eight go-carts from your convoy.  The State of Florida, alone, has spent more than $5 million attempting to recapture you during this sorry episode in American history.  It’s now time for you to put this foolishness aside and return to Chester County.   Under Scottish law you would most certainly be judged “not proven to be sane” under these circumstances.

I must confess that I am bewildered by your behavior.  Why you would break out of jail when you only had four weeks left to serve of your sentence is beyond my comprehension.  For God’s sake, man, don’t you realize that you would have been a free man by now had you just sat quietly in your cell and behaved?  And why you are driving around in a huge bus with the words: “Mooj Freedom Bus” painted on the side is bewildering to me.  Wouldn’t it be smarter to just hide like other fugitives do?  But most baffling to me is why you insist on this asinine exercise of driving around in a colossal convoy.  How in the world could you honestly think that you would not draw unwanted attention to yourself?  Under Scottish law you would be convicted on stupidity alone.

Please Mr. Mooj, just give yourself up.  Your behavior is embarrassing the good named of Pennsylvania.  We have enough problems without something like this happening!

Your Friend,
Arlen Spector
U.S. Senate, PA-R

The Mooj seriously doubts that this letter is from the real Senator Spector.  But just in case it is I will include it in my newsletter.  The Mooj regrets any pain or suffering that has resulted from my recent jail break.  Someday, soon, I hope to return to Pennsylvania; but only as a free man.

In an attempt not to draw excessive attention to ourselves The Mooj Freedom Convoy avoided the main highways and traveled on residential and rural roads whenever possible.  By the time we reached the outskirts of Baltimore the convoy had grown to include The Mooj Freedom Bus, seven additional buses carrying Mooj minions (not yet approved to be part of The Mooj Entourage), sixteen tractor trailers, eight minivans, four SUVs (not designated as minivans), 15 passenger cars and The Queen Anne’s County Shriners Go-Cart Auxiliary.  We motored south along dusty tobacco roads until the convoy reached Washington D.C.  As soon as we arrived at our Nation’s Capital The Mooj and his entourage checked into the world famous Madison Hotel, while everyone else camped out at Fort Marcy Park.  (The Mooj Freedom Network knew that when the police were notified of my escape that they would search motels and boarding houses along the eastern seaboard—focusing most likely on places that were secluded or off the beaten track.  Therefore, The Mooj Freedom Network decided to only book The Mooj and his entourage into 5-star Hotels. )

Since authorities had not yet realized that The Mooj was missing from jail as of then, The Mooj and his entourage took the liberty of spending the whole next day site seeing.  I should point out that Lance Worthy was incorrect when he stated that I purposely jumped from the Lincoln Box in Ford’s Theater; I fell by accident when I slipped on a banana that someone had carelessly left behind.

We left D.C shortly after lunch and drove south through Virginia and into the Carolinas.  A few hundred extra minions joined the convoy as we ventured south, arriving in Hilton Head, SC by dinnertime.  Again, The Mooj and his entourage were put up in the most luxurious hotel while others in our freedom convoy camped out or stayed in nearby motels.

Day three was spent traveling south, deep into the heart of Florida.  Unfortunately, by this time Federal authorities had discovered my escape and the manhunt had begun.  The Mooj Freedom Network decided at that point that it would be best to try and look like tourists so The Mooj and his entourage were sent to Disney World, and the others were directed to Wally’s Gator Farm.  (It was about this time that I began to sense there was a deep animosity between The Mooj Entourage and those not yet included in that elite association.)  That night The Mooj stayed at his very first “safe house,” designated such by The Mooj Freedom Network.  (It was actually a trailer in Kissimmee, FL, belonging to an old pal of mine.)  The next morning Federal Agents stormed the trailer and several Mooj Entourage members (including my host, who unfortunately was a fugitive from The Chester County Jail himself) were captured and hauled off to jail.  The Mooj was in the bathroom when the raid occurred and quickly climbed out of the window during all the commotion.

The Mooj hid in shrubbery while the local police rounded up stragglers and other seedy looking trailer park personnel (which actually included the whole lot).  Soon the entire complex had been emptied and a vigilante group moved in and burned the place to the ground.  The Mooj quietly walked away unnoticed during the mayhem.

Day four found The Mooj and his new "smaller" entourage traveling south on The Mooj Freedom Bus with the Mooj Freedom Convoy.  We finally stopped for the night in Boca Raton at a safe house specially chosen by The Mooj Freedom Network because of its downtown location.  This was a very sentimental visit for me because I had lived in Boca Raton many years before and this “safe house” belonged to an old friend of mine.  We sat up late into the night talking about the old times and drinking a few beers (actually more than a few—The Mooj and his entourage consumed so much alcohol that when the Federal Agents raided the house the next morning, most of the group were still unconscious). The Mooj was in the bathroom at the time of the raid and escaped unnoticed while the lifeless bodies of his minions were dragged from the house and thrown into the paddy wagon.

The next few days were spent crisscrossing the Florida panhandle with my new "even smaller" entourage, trying to stay ahead of the police.  By July 30, what remained of The Mooj Freedom Convoy (by then reduced to only one extra bus; five tractor trailers; six minivans and one go-cart) drove through The Mooj’s long-ago hometown of Sopchoppy, FL.  My ex wife Bjorn Umbababbaraba was waiting for me by the side of the road and tossed pineapples at my bus as it sped by.  (I guess it was some kind of symbolic gesture to wish me good luck.)  Many of the spectators lining the roadside held up signs to encourage The Mooj; others just waved and tossed flowers (or garbage) across the roadway.

Soon Florida was behind us and The Mooj Convoy was headed north into Alabama.  By this time hardly anyone was left from the original Mooj Freedom Convoy and The Mooj Freedom Bus had about thirty empty seats on it—sadly, the official Mooj Entourage had been whittled away to almost nothing.  Our troubles were far from behind us in Alabama.  While staying at another so-called safe house in Blount Springs, the remaining members of the Mooj Entourage were hauled off by Federal Agents the next morning while The Mooj was in the woods picking elderberries.  To make matters worse I was then informed by The Mooj Freedom Network that they were disbanding due to lack of funds.

So There I was: alone, starving, naked and stranded in the middle of Alabama.  I didn’t have a cent to my name and The Mooj Freedom Bus drove off without me (since I couldn’t afford the charter anymore).  What will become of the The Mooj?  Tune in next week and find out.