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Written and Edited by Mujaputtia Umbababbaraba, Mr. Fix-it-and-forget-it  

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The Mooj Weekly Standard is published semi-weekly by The "New" Friends of Mooj Society, Dundalk, MD.  All material published in The Mooj Weekly Standard is considered the intellectual property of The Mooj and may not be reproduced in any manner, shape or form without the expressed written consent of The Mooj or one of his non-paid interns.  Anyone can become a Mooj minion and all are encouraged to try.  Simply submit your application and generous donation to steve@mooj.com. 

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Mooj est nomen eius: splendor sine occasu!

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"Mooj Mail Bag" 

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As far as Mooj Mail goes this week it was rather sparse.  Normally, The Mooj Mail Bag is busting at the seams with tributes and tribulations but this week only a handful of letters awaited me.  No bother.  The Mooj can help few as well as multitudes.

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Mr. Mooj,

How unfortunate it was that I was on vacation last month; had I been diligently at my post—as I normally am—I would never have allowed you claim that last week's Mooj Weekly Standard (Volume 4., No 14) was your 200th issue.  I'm not sure who among your bright and talented  interns did the math but last week's issue was only your 158th.  In case you forgot who I am my name is Vic Taylor and I am a charter subscriber to The Mooj Weekly Standard and current president of The Mooj Memory Bank.  I personally own every Mooj Weekly Standard ever published (including the rare February 29, 1997 issue, that was recalled because both the date was wrong and it contained inflammatory remarks about the then Commerce Secretary Ron Brown).  There were 44 Volume One newsletters, 52 Volume Two newsletters, 48 Volume Three newsletters and only 14 Volume Four newsletters (up until last week).  Even a half-wit with limited math skills could have easily seen that that only adds up to 158.  Even if you factor in all the other Mooj publications that mysteriously came and went in the 1997 and 1998 time frame there were still only a total of 176 "things" published by you or someone representing you.  I know it's too late to do anything about it now but in the future please run this type of stuff by me first before you make a fool out of yourself.

Blessed am I to have ever known you,
Vic Taylor (minion # 507),
Uniontown, PA

The Mooj thanks you for your candid realization.  Needless-to-say, The Mooj is embarrassed by this foul up and will punish his interns.  In the future The Mooj will be more selective with whom he chooses as interns (or at least make sure that they can add).

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Dear Mooj,

I work as a live-in nanny for a very nice family in Greenwich, CT and have foolishly kissed my boss's son.  Now I'm torn between my feelings for him and my loyalty to his parents.  I look after three small children and care for them dearly.  Having had a couple of nightmare jobs in the past I am so happy to be here and can’t believe that this has happened because I'm such a good girl.  I'm 17 and their son is a student at Yale University (he's 21).  At Easter he came home and I was smitten the minute I set eyes on him.  During his vacation he had breakfast with me while I saw to the children, and then we would all go for long walks in the park and often times we’d just sit and hold hands while the children played.  His parents both work full-time and so we had the whole house to ourselves during the day.  I still don't know how it happened but one minute we were arguing about something and the next thing I knew we were kissing.  I've only had one boyfriend before in my life and my feelings for that guy were nothing in comparison to this Yale guy.  Now my boss's son tells me that he is in love with me and I think I love him too.  Whenever we are alone he tries to kiss me again but I push him away.  Now that school is over for the summer he is coming back again.  Part of me can't wait until he returns and the other part is scared.  I am no good at hiding my feelings and I'm sure his parents will realize something is up, especially since I am now 3 months pregnant.  I don't want to hurt them or break their trust. Great and loving Mooj, what should I do??????

"Zelda"

Three months pregnant?  Hmmmm, The Mooj senses there's more to the story than you're telling me.  I am sorry but The Mooj doesn't think he is capable of helping you with your problem; The Mooj suggests that you call Dr. Laura. 

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Ola Moojinator-

I send great praise for the poetry of the young Robert Oppenheimer Asmus.  Any relation to John Asmus, the Human Biosphere?  Inquiring Minions want to know.

Lance "non-Worthy" Winters
Alameda, CA.

Greetings old friend!  The Mooj has no idea whom these Asmus boys are, or if they are all related.  I have asked Vic Taylor ("Mr. Know It All") to look into this matter for you.

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Dear Mooj,

Some time ago I sent you a letter requesting a psychic evaluation for a business venture that I was about to embark on.  As I recall you responded to my request with an uncanny reading of nearly ever detail of my family life and then you demanded an outrageous amount of money to actually comment on the prospects of my business venture.  Anyway, I have a new venture which came to me while watching an infomercial.  I was watching the one where you can buy a kit to refill inkjet printer ink cartridges rather than buy new ones when I hit on this gem of an idea.  My kids drink Capri Sun Juice Bags and Juicy Juice Juice Boxes and I think that it is just a waste to drink the contents and throw away the packaging.  I plan on selling a kit, which contains Bulk Juice along with a syringe used to transfer the Bulk juice into the juice bags along with a roll of scotch tape to reseal the juice bag/box.  As an added incentive I plan to offer (as part of the promotion) 100 free straws to use to get the juice out of the boxes/bags and into the mouths of the little ones.  What do you think of that?

Thanks,

Bill Quinnton

p.s. Bill Quinntin is not my real name, it is just my "nom de plume."

Greetings Bill Q.  Yes, The Mooj does remember your request for free psychic advice and recalls giving you some important insights into who you really are and why you are that way.  I like your new idea and think you will do well with it.  I suggest that you get a few of your in-laws involved in this venture as well and spread the wealth around a bit.

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Great and Loving Mooj,

The female singer in my husband’s band is always flirting with him and I am scared she is going to split us up.  I am 17 and my husband is 24. His band is called The Satanic Murdering Zombies and they have two female members and two other guys.  I have never got along with the singer chick because she is a total [b-word].  Last night the band was performing at a party and the singer chick and my husband disappeared for 20 minutes between sets.  The bass player said they were just shooting up heroin but I think it was more than that.  I think they were making out.  The singer chick is also living with us and sleeps in our bed (with the other members of the band).  My husband has always been honest with me and he claims that I’m just over reacting.  What do you think?

M.M.C.
Troy, NY.

The Mooj doesn't know what to think.  I wish I could help you but I can't even help myself anymore.

This week scores of new minions joined the ranks of their fellow Mooj Heads.  As we do every week let us welcome our new brothers and sisters with a great big cyber hug.
 

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Travels with Mooj (On Walden Pond) 

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-continued from last week-
 
While I write the following passage, or rather the bulk of it, I live alone, in the woods, a mile from any neighbor, in a house which was built to look like the one Henry David Thoreau lived in many years ago, on the shore of Walden Pond, in Concord, Massachusetts, and earn my living by impersonating Henry David Thoreau for the Walden Pond Preservation Trust.  At present I am a sojourner in semi-civilized life again, having survived a horrendous ordeal in the open sea.  Many of you—no, perhaps all of you, being inquisitive in nature, must be wondering how it is that I managed to be here, in the woods, so far from where I began my adventure one year, one month and one day ago.  I too am somewhat bewildered as I sit here alone beneath in the pines, beside the ashes of a smoldering fire, wearing shoes with holes in the soles and dressed as a man from the year 1845.  All day I entertain the inquisitive and allow people to walk about my cabin and answer stupid questions pretending to be Henry David Thoreau.  Often times I am blessed with guests that linger for hours and I amuse them with poetry and flute music.  Other times my guests are rude and throw acorns at me.  But as employment goes this is a fine way to earn an income and live rent-free (for at least a few months anyway).

My new adventure began about four weeks ago when I was rescued at sea by William Farthington, a rich New England socialite, who presently sits upon the Walden Pond Heritage Trust Board of Directors.  He and many other notable New Englanders have bought all the land surrounding Walden Pond and are preserving it for its historical and literary significance.  At the time of our meeting Mr. Farthington was attempting a solo around the world sailing speed record and radioed for my rescue.  Since he was attempting a “solo” around the world sailing record he couldn’t allow me to step aboard his sailing craft but he did linger about long enough to make sure that I was picked up by a coast guard rescue helicopter.  Before we took leave of each other Mr. Farthington gave me his business card and told me that because of my remarkable resemblance to Henry David Thoreau he wanted to employ me as a living history interpreter on Walden Pond.  As luck would have it the rescue helicopter brought me to Boston, MA and I was greeted by members of the Walden Pond Association as soon as I stepped off the helicopter (they must have been informed of my impending arrival by Mr. Farthington).  The Walden Pond Heritage Trust was in desperate need of a new Henry David Thoreau look-alike to live in the replica cabin that they had built near where the original one once stood and I was hired on the spot.  I was then informed by my new employers that my job duties were simply to live as meekly as possible and entertain the Walden Pond visitors by talking and acting like Henry David Thoreau.  So in a nutshell, or just about a nutshell, that is how I landed this dream job and why I am in my present circumstances.

The job is actually very easy since I have basically been a transcendentalist and tax cheat all my life.  The actors pretending to be Ralph Waldo Emerson and Margaret Fuller (who are paid to visit and sit with me every few days) tell me that only the summer months are busy here at Walden Pond.  As soon as winter arrives few visitors show up and I pretty much have the whole pond to myself.

-to be continued next week-

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Closing Thoughts  

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Well, that's it.  Keep us in mind whenever you need a friend or a place to send money.

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   Minion Market Place

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