Dearest Mooj:
Yesterday I decided tell my boss
exactly what I thought of him. He just sat there like an idiot when I
kicked open his door, walked into his office, and then knocked all the
crap off his desk. I then stood on his desk, pulled down my pants and
told him to kiss my country-boy ass goodbye. Now that I’ve had
time to think it over I realize that I may have acted foolishly. It was
my first day on the job and I really needed the money. Do you have any
advice for me?
"Unemployed in Michigan"
Yeah......., how about
don’t use your former boss as a reference. And, perhaps, you might
also consider taking stupidity management classes.
My boyfriend and I have been
together over a year now. Lately we haven't been getting along at all.
We are constantly arguing about anything it seems. I am extremely
unhappy with our situation, but I don't know what to do. Is there a
future for us, or should we stop holding on to this relationship? Thank
you for any help or advice you give me.
Grace
Ft. Bragg, CA
I though long and hard about your
question and concluded that it was best that you take The Mooj "Is
My Man the Right Man" Quiz. This quiz is included in the May 17,
1999 Mooj Weekly Standard. But I warn you! This quiz never lies and you will
know the truth about whether you and your boyfriend were meant to be together.
Dear sir,
I suspect that my wife is having
an affair. Can you use your superior psychic powers to confirm these
suspicions? Also, while you’re at it, can you tell me who will win
this year’s World Series?
Dwaine Robinson
Woburn, MA
I will answer the
latter of your two questions first: The Yankees will beat the Arizona
Razorbacks or Diamondbacks (or whatever the hell they're called) in 6 games. As far as you your wife’s fidelity goes, I’ll have to get back to you later. (In other words, I’m
being polite and don’t want to just come out and just say, "You
bet she is! — with just about everyone you know!")
Great and Loving Mooj,
I
desperately need your words of comfort and kindness. I admit
wholeheartedly that I have nobody to blame but myself or my present unfortunate
circumstances. Here’s what happened most worthy sage: A few
weeks ago I found out that my firm’s senior partner was this huge
swinger and that he often threw "couples parties" at his posh
penthouse apartment. These parties are regularly attended by many of
the firm’s bigwigs. I’ve been at this firm for a long time and have
been hoping for years to be made a full partner. When I learned about
these "swinger parties" I begged my wife to accompany me to
one, hoping it would help me get into the "inner circle." My
wife—a devout Presbyterian—was horrified that I would suggest such a
thing. I begged her repeatedly to go and she finally relented because
she knew how important it was to me. To make a long story short let’s
just say that when we arrived at the party my wife was the only woman
there (all the other guy’s wives refused to come). I wound up sitting
on the couch watching TV while my wife and the rest of the guys had a
great time. I haven’t spoken to my wife since the party because I’m
pissed off that she would be so unfaithful. She says it’s all my fault
(and she’s sort of right). What do you think?
Patrick Kantore
Ft. Lee, NJ
The Mooj feels that your situation
is typical of the kind of situation that people who are weak in the head
sometimes find themselves. I recommend that you and your wife sit
down and discuss your true feelings for each other and move forward with you lives in a
way that better promotes love and unity. And, while you're at it, stay away
from orgies and swinger parties!
Sri Swamaji Mooj,
Back when I was in high school
there was this girl in my algebra class named Shawna. She had this
really hot body and looked just like Farrah Fawcett (except that she had
brown hair and brown eyes). My dad knew I liked this girl and suggested
that I ask her on a date. I told him that Shawna was a certified babe
and that a guy like me wouldn’t have a chance. My dad disagreed and
then gave me a big lecture on how girls are just as scared of guys as
guys are of girls and that most guys are too chicken to ask the really
good looking girls out and so these good looking girls are usually
lonely all the time. My dad seemed to make sense.
I wasn’t exactly the
coolest guy in school and I certainly wasn’t a jock. In fact, if I
were to categorize myself back then I’d say I looked and dressed like
your typical stoner (but I wasn’t—or at least not much of one). I
figured I had nothing to lose so I asked Shawna out on a date. I could
tell Shawna didn’t really know what to say and probably couldn’t
think of any excuse fast enough so she said okay. I had no idea what to
do next so I consulted with my dad and he told me it was now time for
"Phase 2" of his "Secret Love Plan."
Phase
2, according to him, was basically to blow Shawna off. It seemed
like a stupid thing to do but my dad was the town stud and always had
hot babes hanging around our apartment (he and my mom were divorced by
then). So I did just what dad said to do and blew Shawna off. Instead
of picking her up for our date I went to the mall. The most important
part of Phase 2 according to my dad was to be seen by as
many people as possible (from my school) hanging out at the mall.
The
following day Phase 3 was put into action and I told Shawna
that I was sorry about missing our date but that "something just
came up."
For Phase 4 of the "Secret Love
Plan" my dad had my younger sister spread word around school that
Shawna got stood up. This was coordinated with an all-out effort to make
sure that Shawna learned from as many people as possible that I was seen
"hanging out at the mall" when we were supposed to be on our
date.
Phase 5 of dad’s plan was then
to ask Shawna out
again while she was standing around with her friends. According
to dad Shawna would have no choice but to accept my offer and, as
soon as I walked away, would tell her friends that she was then going to
blow me off.
The coup de gras of dad’s love plan was to then
ask Shawna’s most-hated rival out on a date for the same time and then
show up at the mall with this person while I was supposed to be on my
date with Shawna. According to dad Shawna would be at the mall with
all her friends (basically blowing me off). Dad said that this would
cause Shawna enormous embarrassment and that she would then become
obsessed with me and that she would then do anything to save her
reputation by making me fall in love with her.
By then I was too
confused about everything and decided that love was just too complicated
for me. I gave up on women and decided to become a monk. That is why I
now live in Nepal and practice partial celibacy. The reason I am writing
to you today is to tell you that since I found your web site I think
maybe I can love again and am willing to give it another try. How do you
suggest I begin my search for a woman?
"Freddy"
Lalitpur, Nepal
First of all, your father sounds
more like the village idiot than the town stud. If I taught my minions anything, it
would be that love is best ignited with simplicity,
candor and mutual respect. The great philosopher Rene Descartes (or
someone in his league) once said that love is like a tulip, it blossoms
best when it’s grown properly. If you are truly sincere in your effort
to re-engage in a social life of dating, I suggest that you read my
book, Their Bodies, Themselves (Plimpton Press, 1977). I wrote
that book many years ago when I was studying at the Ashram in Ramrama
(or maybe I was working at that Denny’s in Raweigh, NJ—I can’t remember).
It was basically written by me to help men like yourself understand womankind.
It’s probably out of print by now but I’m sure your local library
has a copy (unless your town there in Nepal has an active feminist
militia, that likes to burn books they find culturally offensive).
Mooj!
I simply must warn you and my fellow
minions about something awful that happened to me when I went away to
college. Like most new students I got drunk during freshman orientation
week and accompanied others to a tattoo studio. Everyone was getting
tattoos so I decided to get one too. I picked out this really cool
design that had Chinese characters all over it. The tattoo guy said that
the Chinese words meant something like Eternal Peace and Happiness or
something like that. Several of us got that design tattooed across our
lower backs. Last night I hooked up with this Chinese guy at a pub and
when things got intimate between us back in his dorm room, he saw my
tattoo and started laughing. He told me that the Chinese words
translated into: "I’m stupid and I smell like rotten
cabbage." Mooj, I was so embarrassed! This is a warning to
you all out there to never get foreign words tattooed on yourself
unless you exactly what they mean!
Cindy Nell
Westwood, CA
Your lesson is an important one
and I sense that others out there may have been saved from a similar fate by your
sharing of this amusing and embarrassing story. But, fret not! Three out
of four people can’t read Chinese and so most will never know what
your tattoo really says (unless they read this newsletter).
Mooj,
I just found out that my son wants
to play lacrosse. Oh my God! Does that mean he’s gay?
"A Very Concerned Father in
College Station, TX"
No. (I think you might be
confusing lacrosse with soccer.)
Dear Mooj,
Last night I read in the St.
Louis Post-Dispatch that a giant ape had attacked six people in
Hannibal, Missouri. Three of these people were severely injured and one
was reported to be in critical condition. I find your attempt to find
humor in this tragedy by involving it in your fictional "Travels
with Mooj" stories to be in very poor taste. There’s a
fine line between vulgarity and cheap laughs and you, my friend, have
crossed it!
Dr. Steven Douglas
Orchard Farm, MO
The Mooj apologizes for whatever
offense you think he may have committed.
I am an avid reader of your Mooj
website and always thought that this newsletter was a joke. That was
until I saw the 11:00 news last night and they did a
story on how a giant ape attacked
several people in Hannibal, Missouri. They even had an interview with an animal control specialist that said that giant apes
aren’t indigenous to Marion County, Missouri so he was pretty sure
that it was an isolated incident. (Duhhh, no sheet Pedro!) I sent this animal control
specialist guy an anonymous email telling him that he was an idiot and that
the ape was actually an Indian guy dressed in an ape suit.
Davy Reynolds (Minion #810)
Columbia, MO
The Mooj thanks you for your help
and support.
This totally blows my mind! Check
out this link: http://home.post-dispatch.com/MarionCounty/brutal-ape-attack.htm.
It’s a newspaper article about your nephew’s recent man-monkey
rampage up in Marion County, Missouri (that’s where Hannibal is
located). I am
now a true believer in Moojism! (Not in your warped philosophy; just the fact that
you’re an actual person.)
The Mooj thanks you for your help
and support.
Dearest Mooj,
I am a loyal Mooj Head and have
been so for nearly three years. But now I seriously doubt I can call you
a peaciful guru since you can’t seem to put an end to this tragic
cycle of violence that you and your nephew seem fit to reek upon society. I am,
of course, referring to the July 31, 2001 man-monkey attack in Hannibal,
Missouri. Several of your nephew’s victims were elderly people and,
one in particular, a Sister Mary Genevieve, was a very dear friend of
mine. Poor Sister Genevieve was severely injured and spent nearly an
hour in the Emergency Room. She still has multiple bruises and abrasions
on her arms, legs and neck.
I know that you weren’t personally
involved in this attack but, still, Mogender is your charge and,
thus, you are responsible for his behavior. On a positive note I would
like to inform your readers that we held a fundraiser last week at the
Marion County Autoplex to help provide some comfort and compensation to
the victims. I am proud to report that
we raised well over $3,000! Sadly, most of the victims are still in shock and
most think that it was a real ape that attacked them. I haven’t had the heart to
tell them that it was actually some deranged Punjab kid.
Danny Boulter (Minion
#1017)
Palmyra, MO
The Mooj cannot put into words how upsetting this whole
episode has been to me and the Umbababbaraba family. To do what I can to
help ease the suffering of those poor individuals that were mercilessly attacked by my
nephew I would like to send each victim an official Mooj Minion
T-Shirt. Please send me their addresses and sizes (and any other
information that may prove helpful).
Dearest Mooj,
I hesitate to bring this up but
... I was going to ask if you were aware that you have been misspelling
your name ... for who knows how long. But then it occurred to me that,
of course, you would be aware of that. You do know ALL. So, I will just
ask you the question ... when did you begin to spell it the way you do?
When did you decide to change it? Or ... did it occur before your
en-lightning-ment . . . back when you were still capable of making a
mistake? When did you change it from the original spelling of MoJo? Did
MoJo have anything to do with the misspelling? I'm sorry for all of
these questions .... enquiring minds want to know.
Tanks,
XXX ... a.k.a. "Hey
You!"
Olongapo City, PI
The Mooj has no idea what this
letter is about and suspects that the person sending this email might have
been drinking too much Mojo himself.
Great Swami!
I am a willing participant in this
glorious crusade to rid the world of ignorance and help spread your
vision of inner peace and true self-realization. First, however, I need
to work out some major issues. Like, for instance, why I like to dress up like
Batman and walk around town showing everybody my [omitted].
Stan
Yes, Stan, if I were you I would get
that little problem looked into before joining my legion of
minions.
Sir!
This recruit is writing to say
good morning, sir. You knew this recruit formally as your secret
informant at The Washington Post. This recruit no longer works at
The Washington Post and is now in boot camp at MCRD, Parris
Island, SC. Before this recruit moves onto the subject of this letter
this recruit would first like to thank you for your steadfast refusal to
allow someone from this recruit’s former job from revealing this
recruit’s secret identity last month. Whoever took that picture of
this recruit’s former desk and wanted to expose this recruit was an
evildoer and that person will reap his just reward when the time is
right. This recruit knows who that person was and that person should be
afraid—very afraid. This recruit had lots of things to tell you but
most of them are unimportant now in light of recent developments. Things
that were once important to this recruit now seem trivial. Last month
this recruit was content with his newspaper beat at The Washington
Post, his swank apartment up on Dupont Circle and his elitist social circle
consisting of
Washington D.C.’s most up and coming young Democrats. But when this glorious
Nation was attacked last week this recruit decided that enough was
enough and enlisted in the United States Marine Corps. This
recruit will complete basic training in seven weeks and continue on to
infantry school. This recruit will keep you posted on his adventures and
accomplishments and write to you every week. This recruit still loves
you but he loves his Country, God and the Marine Corps more. SEMPER FI!
PVT "Barry" Graham
First Recruit Training Battalion, Company C,
Platoon 44.
Hoorah!
The Mooj is proud of his former
cub reporter pal from The Washington Post and I know I speak for all
my minions when I wish him good luck! (That poor kid has no idea what he’s
in for.)
