Types or Groups of People Who Love the Mooj
Intelligent People
Enlightened People
Lovers of the Humanities
Lovers of the Fine Arts
Lovers of Fine Music
Blue Bloods
Sensitive, New Age People
People with Discriminating Taste
People with Good Sense
Stock Brokers
Day-Traders
The Law Enforcement Community
Uzbekistani-Punjabis
Hockey Players
People From the British Isles
Gourmet Cooks, and
Dog Owners
Types or Groups of People Who Hate the Mooj
Out of Work Actors
Aspiring Actors
Mime Artists
Circus Freaks
People with Low IQs
Rodeo Clowns
NASCAR Enthusiasts, and
People “who Just Don’t Get it.”
The Mooj Think Tank concurs with these results but, as a formality, will ask for technical peer review. A copy of the compiled data was sent to The National Resources Council. (As of yet we haven’t heard anything back from them.)
If you're a Mooj Head, consider yourself among good company!
"After reading your poetry, I feel all choked up at the wrong end. I have many questions and yet you do not seem to have an advice section. If one can't look to the Mooj for answers, where then....?"
Your reluctant follower,
Sivarama Anna[Editor's Note: If The Mooj had "answers" he wouldn't be in jail! But honestly you'd be surprised at the volume of letters The Mooj gets asking him for advice. I kid you not when I say that everyday dozens of aimless or otherwise misguided people consort with The Mooj, hoping to gather his wisdom. I realize, my friends, that it is reckless for The Mooj not to help those who desperately need it so perhaps like Dr. Laura I can help others while not necessarily heeding my own advice. (And like Dr. Laura I, too, have actually had naked pictures of myself posted on the Internet.) Starting this week a portion of the Mooj Weekly Standard will now be devoted to helping fellow Mooj Minions.]
Mr. Umbababbaraba,Who do you think you’re fooling? This whole Mooj thing is a total scam and you know it. I checked into some of your so-called social activity programs and found that they’re all rip-offs! Here’s what I learned Mr. Smarty-Pants: First, no one at the Tibet foreign office has ever heard of you or your Free Tibet Militia. And they too find it hard to believe that Buddhist Monks would actually join your militia and train at your so-called secret training camp in Eastern Pennsylvania (as was reported in your Free Tibet Militia Prospectus that you sent to my grandmother). Also, they confirmed my suspicions that monks are allowed to have checking accounts and so when you tell people to “send only cash because the Buddhist Monks can’t cash checks or money orders,” it’s a total lie! Another big scam I uncovered was your Franco-Prussian War Memorial Fund. I contacted the Department of Veterans Affairs and they told me that America didn’t even fight in that war! (And they too found it highly unlikely that a memorial to that war would be erected in Washington D.C. next to all the other war memorials.) And that’s not all Mr. Mooj, I also discovered through some minor investigation of my own that no recycling plant in its right mind would ever accept land mines. So your Princes Diana Land Mine Recycling Fund is probably another big hoax too! As of yet I haven’t been able to find out anything about your other mysterious “funds” but rest assured, buddy boy, I have brought them to the attention of the authorities and they, too, are looking into this matter! Good luck scum bag because I’m on to you!
Mr. K. D. Klinger
[Editor’s Note: Shakespeare once wrote: “He who stealith my purse stealith only money but he who taketh my good name done taketh away something that can never be replaced: my reputation!” This accusation has brought me so much anguish and discomfort that I cannot even sleep at night. I hope and pray that others do not share this insane person’s view. The Mooj has and will always work pro bono, i.e., without pay, with my only reward coming from the joy I bring to others. This demented fellow has sullied my reputation—something, perhaps, that I can never recover from.]
About 2 months ago me and my partner got into a car chase. The car chase was fun and is another story in itself. When the chase was over, me and my partner took the caucasian driver into custody. He was a little guy who was wearing a black skirt and a black "Ratt" concert t-shirt. He had several miscellaneous body piercings and a Texas accent. At the time of his arrest he was very high on speed. He kept doing "speeder" things like twitches and jaw cracking. (It is just too hard to describe speeder body motions. Basically it it drug induced Turrets Syndrome.) This guy also sported a very intriguing tattoo on his torso. It depicted a lady who was "squatting" over his belly button. The lady was pissing into his belly button. Quite extraordinary. Very graphic. Well, this guy's passenger was what is commonly called a "trog." A "trog" is a transvestite. This trog was about 6 feet tall, white, and utterly unconvincing as a woman. This trog called itself "Delilah." Trog had a warrant, so Trog went to jail. I then started talking to the driver of the car (the guy with the Texan accent and tattoo). When I asked him who the trog was, he replied: "That's my wife." He further stated that he just got married in Reno and he displayed the papers to prove it. I then asked him if he realized that the trog was a man in drag. He responded: "No. That's my wife. That ain't no dude." I then re-affirmed to him that his wife "had a [male genital]." Well, the response I got was: "No. That's Delilah, she's my wife. She's a woman. She can't help it if she growed a [male genital]." In a way that is true.
Dear Mooj,
I'm having a problem, thought you could help. How do you tell a man that it's not not okay to swap outfits on a regular basis? I've been dating my boyfriend for a short time, the physical part is good, but his "clothes" fetish is driving me batty. I haven't even met his mother, yet he thinks "my" pumps are "his" pumps. Are things so "anything goes" or do I have legitimate concerns here. What do you think Mooj?
"Needing Help in Des Moines"
Perhaps the most often requested advice asked of The Mooj comes in regard to relationships. The Mooj understands and knows how hard it is to have a meaningful relationship. That is why a few years ago I founded The Mooj Matchmaking Service. This organization was designed principally to ensure that men entering relationships understood clearly what was expected of them. Its greatest success, however, came from helping women make the right choices in life; basically, letting them see for themselves if their man was “the right man.” Normally I charge members $2,500 a year to belong to The Mooj Matchmaking Service but feel good relationships are just too important to share with only those who can afford them. Thus, with little or no fanfare I present for you (free of charge) The Mooj “Is My Man the Right Man” Quiz:
My boyfriend treats me with respect (+10)
My boyfriend is disrespectful to me and/or my family (-10)
My boyfriend can make me smile no matter how sad or mad I feel (+25)
My boyfriend has made me cry at least once (-10)
My boyfriend has never hurt my feelings on purpose (+15)
My boyfriend is always hurting my feelings (-20)
My boyfriend tells me he loves me at least once a day (+10)
My boyfriend has never told me that he loves me (-30)
My boyfriend has never let me down (+15)
My boyfriend often disappoints me (-15)
My boyfriend has a very good sense of humor (+35)
My boyfriend has no sense of humor (-20)
My boyfriend and I share the same values (+25)
My boyfriend and I often disagree on social issues (-15)
My boyfriend remembers all my/our special days (+10)
My boyfriend never remembers my birthday (-15)
My boyfriend treats my pets with respect (+10)
My boyfriend treats my pets poorly (-35)
My boyfriend surprises me with special things every once in a while
(+10)
My boyfriend has never brought me flowers (-15)
My boyfriend respects my opinions (+10)
My boyfriend belittles things I think are important (-15)
My boyfriend attends church with me (+30)
My boyfriend does not attend church at all (-35)
My boyfriend knows everything there is to know about me and still loves
me (+10)
My boyfriend does not know where I was born (-10)
My boyfriend is someone I’m proud to introduce to others (+10)
My boyfriend often embarrasses me (-15)
My boyfriend is college educated (+10)
My boyfriend never finished high school (-40)
My boyfriend has skills and/or the ability to support the kind of family
I want to have (+30)
My boyfriend has no ambition (-35)
My boyfriend comes from a small town (+15)
My boyfriend and I share the same taste in music (+10)
My boyfriend and I fight over which radio station to listen to in the
car (-15)
My boyfriend and I watch TV together (+10)
My boyfriend watches sports on TV while I do something else (-10)
My boyfriend has introduced me to his mother (+20)
My boyfriend has introduced me to his grandmother (+15)
My boyfriend treats or talks poorly about his mother (-45)
My boyfriend is always polite to my mother (+15)
My boyfriend is rude to my mother (-45)
My boyfriend and I belong to the same political party (+15)
My boyfriend and I voted for a different candidate in the last presidential
election (-15)
My boyfriend is not registered to vote (-15)
My boyfriend enjoys children (+30)
My boyfriend doesn’t seem to like children (-15)
My boyfriend wears a tie to work (+10)
My boyfriend can wear anything he wants to work and usually wears jeans
(-5)
My boyfriend keeps his house or apartment clean (+15)
My boyfriend is messy (-5)
My boyfriend keeps his hair neat and trim (+15)
My boyfriend is over 30 and has long hair or wears a pony tail (-15)
My boyfriend drives a car that is at least ten years old (-15)
My boyfriend appreciates or has a sense of culture (+20)
My boyfriend would never sit through a foreign movie (-10)
My boyfriend saves a portion of his paycheck each month (+15)
My boyfriend spends money foolishly (-20)
My boyfriend has friends, which I don’t approve of (-20)
My boyfriend's parents are divorced (-5)
My boyfriend served in the military (+10)
My boyfriend gives to charity (+10)
My boyfriend smokes (-15)
My boyfriend uses bad language on a regular basis (-10)
My boyfriend has a bad temper (-35)
My boyfriend drinks more than he should (-50)
My boyfriend has a hard time keeping a job (-40)
My boyfriend watches too much TV (-10)
My boyfriend uses illegal drugs (-50)
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in God (-100)
So there you go "Needing Help in Des Moines," add up your points and see if your guy scores over 400. I should probably point out to you, however, that in your case you might need to also take my "Is my Man Homosexual, Bisexual or Otherwise Self-Identified" Quiz. For that you'll have to fork over $2,500 to The Mooj Matchmaking Service.
Dear Mooj,I'm finding that I get bloated after eating certain kinds of foods. Usually it's pine nut flapjacks or Captain Crunch cereal with almonds and soy milk. What could it be? Is it the nuts or the soy? Do you think I may have Irritable Bowel Syndrome? Help me please, as I no fun on dates anymore. I'm tired of embarrassing myself in public!
Sandee from LA
Most of you are aware of my background in Holistic Healing and Aroma Therapy. Although not a licensed practitioner I have been known to help those suffering from self-inflicted bloating. Sandee's problems, unfortunately, are not the kind that simple Aroma Therapy can cure. I have contacted one of my new sponsors (see ad below) and they think they can help. So Sandee I suggest you call our new friends at the West Chester Hydro-Colonic Purification Center and set up an appointment. You might want to bring Sivarama Anna along with you to help her get rid of that "choked up at the wrong end feeling."
