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Guruji,
I need your help. I will explain everything in this letter. First, however, I must ask that all
correspondence between us remain confidential. Thank you. Now
for my bewildering tale:
Back during the Battle Of The Hürtgen Forest this guy
named Jacob Waltz and I were ordered to the rear to get ammo.
When we tried to rejoin our unit we got lost behind enemy lines. We thought we were goners and hid until the Germans pulled back. When the coast was clear we
found a shady tree to rest under and wait for our troops. As we
rested Jake and I started
to talking. We talked about
everything, including family, God, friends, girlfriends,
cigarettes, hobbies, baseball, and our hometowns. I hardly knew Jake before
but now we
were regular pals. Before we knew it we’d been lying in the shade talking for hours.
When night came we heard the sound of an
approaching infantry patrol so we hid. When they turned out to be Germans we
opened up on them and gave it to ‘em good. When it was over the
Germans were dead but Jake got hit pretty bad. As he lay there dying he told me
that he had something very important to tell me. I leaned him
against a tree and he told my the following story:
Jake's grandfather immigrated to America
in 1839, arriving in New York City. Grandpa Waltz (as Jake
called him) then traveled to the gold fields of North Carolina,
hoping to strike it rich. But he didn't so he moved on to Dohney,
Georgia. There, too, he went bust. Finally Grandpa Waltz
traveled to California
during the Gold Rush and hooked up with the Peeples-Weaver Party.
After many years of prospecting he followed the Peeples-Weaver Party
east into the Bradshaw Mountains of Arizona Territory. By late 1869
Grandpa Waltz struck
out on his own for the Salt River Valley.
When Jake got to this part of his story he started
wheezing really bad. I gave him a drink from my canteen and told him
to rest but he said he had to finish his story. So he went on.
Then
one
day Grandpa Waltz was prospecting outside the town of Lehigh,
Arizona when he got attacked by some apaches. He killed them and found a map on one
that indicated that these guys were searching for something called The
Lost Peralta Family gold mine. The map showed that the mine
was in the Superstition Mountains near a rock formation
called Weaver’s Needle. Grandpa Waltz knew exactly where Weaver’s
Needle was so he followed the map and found the lost mine. And it was a bonanza too! Tons and tons of gold were
inside!!!
Grandpa
Waltz knew better than to attract unwanted attention to himself and
his new-found wealth so he returned
from the mountains with only a few nuggets of gold hidden in his
pockets. He then carefully sewed them into the floor of his tent.
Since
the valley below the Superstition Mountains was filled with other
prospectors he avoided all mention of the lost mine and made only a
few trips to the lost mine each week to retrieve small quantities of
gold. Pretty soon he had so much gold that he had to buy a bigger
tent to hid it inside.
When Jake got to this part of the story he was
coughing up blood really bad and I begged him to rest but he said he had to finish the story. Here Jake’s
tale took a turn and he explained that one day Grandpa Waltz got
double-crossed by a rival prospector. This guy followed him up
to the
lost mine. Grandpa Waltz shot this guy but not before he himself got
shot. Grandpa Waltz climbed down from the mountain bleeding pretty
bad and soon caught Yellow Fever. Grandpa Waltz knew he was going to
die so he told the woman who was pregnant with his child about the
mine and made a map for her. Grandpa Waltz then rolled over
and died.
This woman, sadly, wasn’t too good at
prospecting and couldn’t find the mine. About a year after her
child was born she still hadn't found the mine and caught Yellow Fever. Before she died,
however, she sent
the map to her sister in Illinois with careful
instructions to give it to her son (who was Jake’s father) when the
boy was older. This sister hid the map but got killed unexpectedly in a
buggy accident. Jake’s dad died
poor not knowing anything about his father's lost gold mine. Jake's
brothers and sisters also knew nothing about the mine.
By now Jake was near death and I begged him to
rest but he said he was almost finished with the story and went on,
gasping for air as he continued.
Then during the fall of '41 Jake visited his Great Uncle in Illinois.
This uncle gave Jake a book that once belonged to his Great Aunt.
Inside the book Jake found the map and a handwritten note explaining everything. Jake was
all set to go find the lost mine except WWII broke out and he got
drafted. The last thing Jake did before he died was pull the map
from his pocket and give it to me. He then died.
You can bet your Royal Irish ass that as soon as
the war was over I high tailed it to Arizona and began looking for that long-lost mine. The problem is the map Jake gave
me makes no sense at all! I've now been searching for that stupid lost
mine for 58 years! I’m too old to keep climbing up and down
those stupid mountains so I need your help. I totally trust you
because you are my guru. If you can help me find that lost mine I’ll
give you half. Are you in or out?
"Lefty" Harper
Goldfield, AZ
| First of all Mr. Harper, let me
just say that I am extremely sorry that
this letter was posted. It never should have been.
I guess somewhere in my Ashram is an intern that doesn't understand the concept of
confidentiality.
I
will scold that intern as soon as I get back and remove this
letter myself.
As far as your offer goes I must say
that I am very intrigued. Yes, a good treasure hunt might be
just what I need sharpen my holistic wits. Sadly, I am involved
in another adventure at the moment so I won't be able to help
you just yet. But I will pencil you in for my next big
adventure. How's that? In the meantime don't tell
anyone about this lost gold mine. |
Okay, here goes. I believe in not having underaged
sex or premaradle sex and I know I don't want to have sex before I'm
married and that it's wrong to do that if I can help it. However I
hear about so many people saying that they have sex and that they
like sex and that sex feels good so it makes me wonder if it really
is as wrong as they say. So I guess my question to you is having
sex before you're married okay?
Jagga, age 14
Bombay, India
| Naiya teri majhdhar,
you naughty boy!
I'm not sure what all this "premaradle
sex" talk is about but I don't like the sound of it at
all. Do you always ask
such filthy things of a guru? I doubt this is a serious
letter. If it is then the answer is no. If it
isn't then please refrain from eliciting jollies at my expense
again in the future. I further recommend
that you pay more attention in school when your English teacher
addresses issues concerning grammar. |
Mooj,
Last night I met this awesome woman at a bar. I
think we're soul mates. I’m a Leo and she's a Libra. When the
bar closed she asked me to take her home and I did. After we got to
her place we talked until the sun came up. Mooj, I think I’m in love! Everything about
this girl makes me
happy. Everything! Her eyes are like pools of rain and her hair is
like corn silk. And she is so smart! I want to ask her to marry me!
But first I need to know something. Before
I left her apartment I had to use her bathroom. I was curious and
opened her medicine cabinet (I have a bad habit of doing this when I
go to other people’s houses). I saw the following medications
inside: Tums, Pamprin Maximum Strength, Loratadine, Valtrex,
Lamisil, Alophen, Gas-X, Tucks Pads, Desinex, Chewable Acidophilus
with bifidus, Vagisil, Imodium A-D, Tylenol, and Panax Quinquefolium. I have no medical training so I
don’t know what any of these medicines are used for. Can you use
your homeopathic new age wisdom to help me out there? Based
on this girl’s medications do you think we would be a good match?
"Troy from North Carolina," age 25
| Mere haathon mein!
You fool, peeping into a woman's
medicine cabinet is akin to peeping down her sari! Even
worse sometimes! You should be ashamed my butcha. To be honest I have no idea what the above listed medicines
are used for but then again it's none of my business or yours! If you are so in love with this girl that you
want to marry her then I suggest you open a dialogue with her
concerning your
health situations. |
Mooj,
We live next door to a very elderly couple; they
got to be in their 80s. Last week they were out of town and asked
us to look after their cat. Normally we’re not nosy people but
since my husband and I had never been inside their house before we
decided to have a look around. We were shocked (actually, shocked
isn’t a strong enough word) to find that they had naked pictures
of themselves hidden in one of their bureau drawers. These pictures
were very disturbing and graphic. My husband even thought they bordered on being obscene. What should we do now? Should
we say something to them? I don’t think I can ever talk to those
disgusting old perverts again! Why are some people so disgusting?
Midge and Stefan,
Fallston, MD
| Dum bhar jo udhar!
What is it with these nosy people? One man looks
in a woman's
medicine cabinet and now these two snoop through a neighbor's bureau
drawers? Have you no
shame? I cannot cast judgment on your neighbors
and nor should you. Does not the man-peacock howl,
whether or not another peacock is nearby to hear him? Does
the Tiger
Lily blossom less in a meadow barren
of footfall? Thus, too, humble minions, is the
act of love seen or unseen! I cannot tell you if what your elderly
neighbors have done is wrong but certainly what you have
is. I suggest you raise your minion love offering to me
this month to improve your karma. |
Dear Mooj,
This morning my father’s doctor pulled me aside
and told me that my dad only had a few more days to live. When I went back into the room to see
dad he asked me if I could get him something
before he died and I said sure pop, anything. He then asked me to
get him some funky cold medina. Mooj, what should I do? Should I get
it for him? I don’t even know where I would find it. I DON’T
EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS! Please advise.
Russ Pardo
Stony Pine, GA
| Sadly I am on an
adventure at the moment an cannot consult my interns. I
usually rely on them for stupid questions like this. I asked
Lance and he had no idea. But he's Amish and is quaint
in his ways. Trent, on the other hand, thinks funky cold medina
is a rap song by Tone-Loc. I don't know. Sadly, by
the time we find out what funky cold medina is your father
will have passed away. Oh, the pity of it all! |
Hey Mooj, this site is pretty good. I lost my girl
to my best friend and I was just about to go over there and get my
revenge when I read your teachings and it made me think twice about
what I was about to do. I am now a much better person because of you and
your enlightened wisdom. Tomorrow I will give away all my belongings
and wander the Earth in ignorance just like you!
Danny, age 28
Ft. Wayne, KS
| Whenever I get letters
like this I am very happy. And then I get
confused. I never know if these people are praising or
mocking me. I will accept this as being
praise. Good luck to you Danny (whoever you are). |
For all you people out there who are feeling
hopeless right now, remember this. Hope is the one thing that no one
can take away from you. No one can punish you for hoping. They can,
however, punish you for shoplifting. That happened to me once. I
spent two months in juvy. BUT I NEVER LOST HOPE! Something to think
about.
Dave Vanukirk
Garden Grove, CA
| Thank you for your
inspiring letter Dave. (Again, I have no idea if this
letter is praising or mocking me.) |
Swami,
I work for a moving company and was moving this
family from Houston to Austin last month. When I was unpacking their
stuff they had this huge portrait of you. I didn’t think anything about it until a week later I was unpacking
another family that moved from El
Paso to Abilene and they had that same giant portrait of you. I made some
wisecrack about you looking like some goofball and they got really
upset and told me that you were their swami, Sri Mooj, holy Punjab from
the land of Uzbek. I’m sorry if I offended you. I certainly didn’t
mean anything by it. I now want to be one of your minions. How do I
go about becoming one and getting one of those giant portraits of you?
"Tom From Texas," age 44
| How grand! Finally
a letter that is sincere. Yes, my friend, becoming a
Mooj minion is an important step to self-realization. All you have to do is fill out a
minion request. Sadly, I have just been informed that
the intern who sorts through the minion applications is
gone. (Actually I fired him last month and forgot to
appoint another.) So it is doubtful that anyone will
care if you send in an application this week. But,
then again, one of my interns might show some initiative and
take it upon themselves to review your minion application and assign
you a minion number. It could happen. But I doubt
it. Most of my interns
are lazy. (And crooks, too, judging by how many saw fit to
loot my Ashram during my Open House!) In any case,
consider yourself a minion-pledge until your paperwork is processed.
As far as the giant portrait of me goes, you can buy one at
the Mooj Ashram gift shop. I think they've also got those new
Mooj
bobble heads in now, too.
|
Mooj,
I find your newsletter utterly disturbing. In a good way,
of course! Keep up the good work!
"Dr. Donut"
Delmarva Race Track
Are we supposed to still be boycotting grapes?
Johnny Nashville, age 31
Russell, TX
| I have no idea. Why
were you boycotting grapes? |
Hey Mooj! This is a cool web site. I wish I could
have found it a long time ago. I know this is going to sound lame
and pathetic but I need someone to talk to about this problem I
have. I'm 28 (a Libra) and I know I sound stupid but it's hard to do
this because I hate talking about my problem and I
really need your help! But I want to talk to you in private if
possible. Can you email me back? Thanks!
"Steve"
Red Hat, PA
| Ah ..... , I'd rather not.
No offense "Steve" but I can only imagine what your problem is and
quite frankly I'm not in the mood to help another troubled man
get over this type of "problem." In the meantime
accept yourself for who you are and be happy. Hell, I'm
happy! Lance is happy. Trent is happy! We're
all happy. Shouldn't you be happy, too?
(If your
letter wasn't concerning an abnormally small penis than I apologize.
Please write back and be more specific with the type of
problem you're having.
Thanks.)
|
WILL I EVER GET LAID?
"Hottay," age 27
Calcutta, India
| Shava Shava! Oh yes, another person
using my holistic wisdom portal for his own sophomoric bemusement. Ek do teen,
you naughty hooligan! In the future I will ignore
all email from you. How do you like them apples? |
Can you apply the properties of RNA to the DNA cells found in a triple helix?
Allie, age 14
Chicago, IL
| You sure can!
Why
do you ask? You aren't up to something unethical are
you? |
Mooj, I just had to tell you something funny that happened last
night. I had this blind date with this guy who had this "Honk for Jesus" bumper sticker
on his car and everywhere we went people honked at him.
He got pissed off because he thought they were honking at his
driving. I finally said I think they're honking for
Jesus. He said oh. What an idiot!!!!
"Daisy," (minion 1129)
| Thank you for your letter
minion
1129. I'm sure there was a point to be made in there
somewhere. |
Hey Mooj, I need to dump my girlfriend. I'm tired of
her. I know she loves me but I don't care. It will break
her heart but oh well. How best should I end our 15-year relationship?
Minion 1077
| Breakdown the temples
and the mosques if you wish, so sayeth the Sufi Saint
Buleshabut, but never break a heart that is full of
love for there is where God really dwells! Oh how true that is!
Say number 1077, what
kind of minion are you anyway? Obviously you've not learned
much from my limited teachings. As of this day consider yourself
placed on
minion probation. A nice donation to my Ashram fund may help you get back on my good side.
|
Sir,
I just wanted to write and tell you that last night I saw a man
standing on the corner of Market and Van Ness (in downtown San Francisco)
wearing an Official Minion T-Shirt and nothing else. He was
waving at cars and tooting an air horn. If these are the kind
of people that call themselves Mooj minions than all I can say is no
thank you.
Maude Greenberg
San Francisco, CA
| If what you said is
correct then I must apologize on behalf on The Mooj and his
enlightened family of
minions. I hope whoever this naughty minion is
stops all this nonsense at once! |
Bubbaji!
It is me again Raj "Saagar" Chopra!
Have you forgotten me already? I am now finishing up my exams and have
my oral boards next week. I will be finished with my Ph.D. early! That means we can be together sooner. My
father has given me his blessings and will pay for my airfare to
come be with you. Let me know how to get to your Ashram.
Thank you!!!!
Raj "Saagar" Chopra
Lala Lajpat Rai Hall, IIT Kharagpur, India
| Huh? Who is this
guy? Please, whoever you are, don't come out just
yet. I have too many sidekicks as it is right now.
I will place you on my sidekick waiting list and get back to
you later. |
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