|
Most Venerable Mooj,
Year after year I sat at my desk solving crimes. I
was a detective. I was a damn good one, too. I never failed to
solve any crime. Never!
Every once in a while I would come
across a particularly clever criminal and couldn’t help but think,
"Gee, if only this person did this instead of that,
he might have gotten away with this." Thus, as I
solved my cases I became a type of criminal mastermind. I soon
realized that if I wanted to I could commit any crime and get away
with it—even murder! But I was an honest and
law-abiding cop. True, I
only made a measly $25,000 a year while all the other detectives made 2 or
3 times that. And, sure, I got passed up for promotion dozens of
times. But I didn't care—I cared only about my community and
making it a better
place to live! I guess I
was what you'd call idealistic. Then those city hall bastards laid me off during the
big budget squeeze of 1999. Me—the guy who only had three months to
go until retirement! Those bastards! It was like
taking a bullet in the back.
When I got laid off I was heavily in debt; I had a
huge mortgage, three illegitimate children to support, two car
payments, a boat payment, hunting lodge dues, country club fees,
plus dozens of other obligations. Thus, I had no choice but to turn to
a life of crime to help make ends meet. I figured I was wronged by society so now society
would pay. I then used my criminal mastermind to commit totally unsolvable
crimes and amass a great fortune.
After a few years of committing these perfect
crimes I began to tire of the monotony of it all and began to leave
clues. I guess I wanted a challenge. But, alas, the guys in my old
department couldn’t solve nothing! God, they were such
idiots! Soon my clues became so obvious that even a child could
have solved the case. Nope, those losers still couldn’t
catch me! So now I’m going to come right out and tell the whole
world that it’s me!!!! It’s me, former detective Raymond
Vasquez, I’m the one committing all these crimes!!!! It’s me you
dummies! Me! Me! Me! God, how stupid can you guys be?
R. Vasquez
Formerly of the New Eton Township Police Dept.
New Eton Township, PA
| Hmmm, you are a clever
one former Detective Vasquez. More clever than most I
suppose. If your letter is to be
believed (and it isn't) I guess your former colleagues are now
knocking on your door to ask you some questions. Just
for the sake of helping someone less fortunate than myself
(i.e., you) I will now meditate and fast for the remainder of
the morning. I will also abstain from sex,
alcohol and other forms of recreational drug use. I hope
that you will do the same. |
Mooj,
Last week I had this dream that I was 18 again and
sitting behind the wheel of my totally wicked ass 1969, 426 Hemi,
4-Speed Dodge Charger. Damn, that car was awesome. I named her
"Ginger" and she was the fastest car I ever drove. Together
we ruled the streets!
A few nights later I had another dream about Ginger. This time
it was a nightmare and she was burning and melting. Then
it all started coming back to me—Oh my God, I had forgotten all
about that horrendous crash!
And now every night when I try to sleep I have that
same nightmare. It’s like Ginger is coming back to tell me that it was my
fault—that I killed her! I didn’t! I swear! She blew a rod and I
couldn’t see through her windshield! The oil was everywhere! I
spun out of control and hit the guardrail and somehow I was thrown
from the wreckage before she exploded. I loved Ginger!
Seeing her burn like that broke my heart! I wanted to die with her!
You have to understand, Mooj, it wasn’t my fault!
Now whenever I look in my rearview mirror I see
Ginger following me. She revs her powerful 425-HP engine and flashes
her lights at me. She wants to be with me again. She wants to take
me to hot rod heaven so we can race together for all eternity. Good
bye Mooj. I was happy being your minion but Ginger needs me more.
Good bye forever!
Former minion 648
Seal Beach, CA
| Good God almighty!
Are you serious? Since good minions are hard to
find it pains me to lose another. Sadly,
minion #648 was probably hallucinating about his old car
following him around. But If he wants to go to "hot
rod" heaven, who am I to stop him? |
Dear Mooj,
So as not to waste your time or mine, enclosed
with this letter is a sizable donation to your new Ashram building
fund. I hope it helps you see things clearly when you meditate about
my
problem.
I seek your wisdom concerning the following
matter: Last week I had a
family reunion of sorts—actually, it was my dad's funeral. My brothers,
sisters and I sat around afterwards and discussed something that
none of us had ever dared to mention before.
You see, our dad was an eminent zoologist who worked for the Philadelphia Zoo. While there he
befriended a chimpanzee named Hardy. This Hardy was no
ordinary chimp. He was taller than most chimps, less hairy, and had
human-like features. He even walked erect on two feet like a human.
While we were growing up my brothers, sisters and
I remember that dad treated this chimp better than us. At night when
the zoo closed dad would bring Hardy home. Dad said
that the zoo was no place for a guy like Hardy. Hardy was also
allowed to eat dinner with us at the table. Afterwards, when the rest
of us had to go upstairs to do homework, Hardy was allowed to sit on
the living room couch, drink beer, smoke cigars and watch TV with dad. Not even
my mom was allowed to do that.
As I grew up I started to notice that Hardy looked
just like my dad. All their mannerisms were the same, too. They even dressed alike. I never said anything to anyone
about my suspicions but at dad's funeral
I learned that my entire family thought the same thing.
Hardy the
chimp died in 1975 and our father was never the same
afterwards. We weren't even allowed to mention Hardy's name again.
Mooj, this is what we need to know: Was Hardy our half-brother?
Albert Arthur Rosen
San Francisco, CA
| Thank you for your
generous donation Mr. Rosen. I will use the money to re buy
beanbags
for the Ashram lobby (to replace the ones that were stolen).
Now on to your problem. I sat and
meditated for many hours on this topic and became very much enlightened
concerning this situation involving "Hardy
the chimp" and your father. My visions were definitive. However, I
wish not to embarrass you by revealing the truth here in The
Mooj Weekly Standard. Instead, I will email you in
private to explain everything. The last thing you and your family need at a
time like this is for others to know what a sick and depraved man your
dad really was!
|
Dear Sir,
Kindly remove me from your "minions" list since I am
not one of your minions. I was the victim of identity
theft. I am the real D. E. Brown of Carson, CA. You have
me listed as minion #1365 in your February 28, 2003 newsletter.
D. E. Brown
Carson, CA
| Well that sucks, another
good minion gone! |
Mooj,
I must have done something awful in this or a
previous life because I have terrible karma! My life has
pretty much sucked since I was in 8th grade. I could list
everything that has gone wrong but since you’re omni-impotent you
already know.
What could I have done to earn such negative
karma? Ever since I can remember I’ve recycled, helped save whales, given generously to peace activist
organizations, spiked and occupied endangered giant redwood trees,
been a vegetarian, driven an electric car, and done millions of other holistic
and harmonious things. I
should have good karma! Right???
Actually, now that I think about it there was one
un cool thing I did one summer. Hmmm, It was right around when I was in 8th grade, too. I used to
hide in a tree and yell "Stop" to the ice cream truck
whenever it drove down my street. It was the same driver everyday.
He’d come driving down the street with his stupid music playing and
I would scream as loud as I could for him to stop. The guy would
slam on his brakes and look around. When he started moving again I’d
yell for him to stop again and he would. Sometimes he'd even get out
of his truck and look around. That poor bastard could never figure
out what was going on. Ha ha ha! It was so friggin' funny! Oh My
God! Could it have been that? Is that why I have such bad karma?
Minion 822
Tarzana, CA
| I think you answered your
own question there minion 822. Perhaps this is as good a
time as any to enlighten you with a quote from the great
balladeer Shiv Kumar
Batalvi, who said karma is as karma does. (Or something
along those lines.) |
Mooj,
I live near Bayport, MD and was surprised to read
how you thought the Mahmood family was being victimized by
anti-Hindustani racism. That is so wrong! The real reason people are
being so weird toward them is that they bought The Hayes House. The
Hayes House is totally haunted! That place had been on the market for
years and no one ever expected it to sell.
Legend has it that
Captain Thomas Hayes decapitated his wife there after he caught her
being unfaithful to him with a squad of British Regulars during the
War of 1812. It is rumored that Lady Hayes’ headless body now wanders the grounds searching for her long lost head. Please advise the
Mahmood
family that the sooner they get out of that house the better!
Shem Lusby
Rosecroft, MD
| I have no idea what this
person is talking about. |
Mooj,
I couldn’t help but notice a letter in your last
newsletter from an Indian couple that recently bought a house in
Bayport, MD. You attributed their cool reception to
anti-Hindustani racism. That is so not true! I myself am of slight Hindustani
decent and live near Bayport. There are thousands of other Indians living in
this area, too.
Here’s the real story: The Mahmoods unwittingly bought The Hayes House. I cannot imagine a more
unethical Real Estate agent than the one that sold them
that house! Most of us won’t even drive
down the same street as that house! I get shivers just thinking
about it!
Legend has it that whoever buys that house is
greeted with a most horrific death. I’ve only lived around here for 20 years so I
only know of the last two such gruesome occurrences. The first being
an entire family of four being impaled by slate roof pieces that
fell in a bizarre
windstorm; and the latter being a family of seven mysteriously
falling down a septic well. Gruesome, indeed!
I’m not sure why The Hayes House is haunted but
someone once told me that it is because back in 1634 some English settlers got massacred
on the site by wild Indians. (Not Hindustani Indians but the
other kind.)
Please advise the Mahmoods to leave that house immediately.
Ham "Veejay" Lusby
Stoney Run, MD
| Okay, now I remember who
the Mahmood family is. However, I'm still not sure what
all this talk about a haunted house is though. I
think I'm going to have to re-read last month's
newsletter. Or, I'll just have one of the interns do it
and report back to me. The truth is I never read these
newsletters if I don't have to. |
Mooj,
I have some clarification regarding a letter in your last
newsletter from the Mahmoods
in Bayport, MD. I believe these are the same people that bought
The Hayes House. I doubt their poor treatment results from anti-Hindu racism
since we have lots of them towelheads living down here in Southern
Maryland. When I was
a kid we used to dare each other to go inside The Hayes House. My
friend Steve Winterspoon did and then got killed the next day when a bear
fell out of a tree and squashed him. He was only 16 years old. Ever since
then I’ve kept my distance. I can’t believe anyone was stupid
enough to buy that place! Local legend has it that in 1775 a
traveling vagabond got killed there attempting to steal chickens.
His ghost now wanders the grounds looking for revenge. If I were the
Mahmoods I’d stay clear of that place.
Japeth Lusby
Georgetown, MD
| Okay, that does it.
No more letters about the Hayes House. As I scan through the remaining mail bag
items I see that there are at least a dozen more letters
concerning the Mahmoods and their Bayport, MD house. They
all seem to have a different reason for why the house is haunted,
too. Strange. Hmmm, maybe I'll have to take a
drive there and have a look around. Do
some sleuthing, as it were. The
truth is I'm bored sitting around the new Mooj Ashram all
day. I thought it would be relaxing and enlightening but it isn't. There are
just too many people hanging around here chanting and trying
to touch my feet. Don't these people have jobs?
|
Mooj,
Can you explain my mother’s recent odd behavior? I’m
worried because she is getting so old now.
Lately she goes out in public wearing bright purple dresses and big
red hats. She also spends money on useless things, like brandy,
summer gloves and satin sandals. Sometimes when she is walking she
just sits down on the pavement for no reason at all. She also
gobbles up samples in shops and presses alarm bells. Last night she
even went out in her slippers in the rain to pick flowers in other
people's gardens. I’m so worried about her! Do you have any idea
what can be wrong?
Gayle S. (minion 1065)
| To be honest I couldn't envision
anything about your poor mother because I'm too hungry from
all my fasting this morning. Plus, I'm too preoccupied
thinking about my upcoming visit to Bayport, MD. Hey! Maybe I'll take
my two sidekicks Lance Worthy and Trent Handjoy with me
and we
can make an adventure of it. We can be like the Hardy
Boys!
|
Mooj,
I would like to know when I will meet a new guy?
Jessica Leach, age 20
Henry, TN
| I envision you meeting a
new guy next week, perhaps at a Sizzler Steak House. I
can see it now. You are sitting at a table eating. I can
smell the aroma of your Malibu chicken and that thick parmesan
toast they give you for free. Mmmmm. And look at that salad
bar! Hey, wait, this vision isn't about you and your new
guy. It's about food. I've been fasting for too
long and now I'm starving. Hold on for a few hours. I
need to go and grab a bite to eat. I'll finish the Mooj
mail when I get back, okay? |
Mooj,
We need to know where our home is, whether we will get one, who will give us the loan and when
we will be able to move out of our in-laws.
Kristi Corbett, age 35
Elk Grove, CA
| Okay, I'm back now.
I just had a huge breakfast at Denny's. It was one of
those Grand-Slam things. Boy am I stuffed! Sadly,
now I'm too sleepy to reflect on this poor woman's letter.
Perhaps I'll take a nap and finish
the Mooj mail later. |
Dearest Mooj ...
A year ago I wrote to you describing a problem I was experiencing and
you were kind enough to listen and to offer advise based upon your great
experience in the ways of the world. I took your advise to heart and did
my best to put it into action but I am afraid that it only made matters worse.
Let me explain. The problem I have is one of being very shy and of not
knowing how to approach and meet women. I live here in Rio de Janeiro
and love to frequent the beaches. But this is the problem ... I cannot bring
myself to start a conversation with the girls there ... I don't know how to
start. You gave me a plan to try ... do you recall? You advised me to
visit the market on the way and to purchase a potato of the right size and
to drop it into my Speedo before venturing onto the beach. You assured
me that this would catch their eye ... get their attention and give me an
opening ... an 'ice-breaker' if you will. Well, that it did. All of them noticed me and I was at first delighted. But then, dear Mooj,
something happened ! As I would approach and before I could even speak, they would quickly look away and ignore me. Some even pointed
and laughed! None would talk to me. I was rejected by all. I was humiliated and now my confidence is lower than ever.
Oh Mooj ... what did I do wrong? Please help me.
Juan Fuego
Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
| Okay, now that I've had a
good nap my omni-impotent visions feel sharper than ever and I
think I can help this poor man. I know exactly what
your problem is Juan Fuego. You idiot! Next time try putting the potato down the FRONT of
your trunks! |
Will I go to Canada this summer and meet Muddassar
Hanif Malik?
Fariha Rashed, age 24
Lahore, Punjab, Pakistan
| Since you are a fellow
Punjab (albeit, the other kind) I will gladly help you.
But first I would like to recite a special poem for you (it
was written by the great
poet and philosopher Sameer):
Ishq Ishq
Mein Pyar Pyar Mein No.1 Punjabi
Dil Lene Mein Dil Dene Mein No.1 Punjabi
Baisakh Mein Bhangra Pake Mast Rahe Punjabi
Heer Sohni Ki Dhun Gaake Mast Rahe Punjabi
Hey Ladki Jo Dekhe Gulabi Karde Dhamal Punjabi
Aankhen Jo Dekhen Sharabi Karde Dhamal Punjabi
Ladki Jo Dekhe Gulabi Karde Dhamal Punjabi
Aankhen Jo Dekhen Sharabi Karde Dhamal Punjabi
Ishq Ishq Mein Pyar Pyar Mein No.1 Punjabi
Dil Lene Mein Dil Dene Mein No.1 Punjabi
Okay, now that that
is over with let's address your question. To be honest I
have no idea who Muddassar
Hanif Malik is. But you will go to Canada. Or, at least,
somewhere that looks like Canada. |
Mooj, my mother passed away very suddenly and unexpectedly on the 4th of
May, 1999. As yet
I have not dreamt of her and have been to all sorts of mediums in the hope that
I would get some kind of message from her but nothing. I am desperately sad that
I no longer have her and I miss her so very much can you help?
Tracie Clarkson, age 38
Egham, Surrey, UK
| My sweet little Belaiti,
how soft and gentle you are. Come, hold my hand (do
this by putting your hand up to your computer monitor and I
will do the same). Maybe together we can contact her.
Let's try, okay? Hello? Are you there?
Hello? Hello? Oh well, I guess she isn't
answering. I'll try again later and get back to
you. In the meantime I recommend you lay off overeating, smoking, drinking and any other vice you may have
and I will try to do the same. |
Mooj,
Can you give me any insight as to who the correct father of my 18 y/o son is? Earl or John. My
son's bd is 02/06/85, Earl's is: 07/19/61, John's is: 08/08/64. Thank you.
Sheryl Richland, age 38
Altus, OK
| This is a rather sticky
wicket, eh? Anyway, I charted their horoscopes and
realized that I still don't have enough information to help
you yet. If possible, could you also send me their DNA
test results? |
I am 35, and my life is a complete mess. I'm a failure in life and criticised by my own near
and dear ones. I want to particularly know about my love life and naturally, marriage. Will I
ever find true love? Is it someone I know or someone new? What will be the first letter of his
name? Will he be a foreigner or Indian? Will it culminate in marriage? Will I be
happy?
Please give me your frank opinion. Waiting for your reply with anticipation.
Thanking you.
"Ranu"
Calcutta, West Bengal, India
|
Oh
my sweat and fragrant Sanam, so lovelorn and
fragile! You are as delicate as a
marigold in the wind. (Actually, marigolds aren't that
delicate. Maybe I'm thinking of an anthurium.)
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is I sense deeply your anguish. And, since
you too are a fellow Hindustani (albeit a Bengali one) I will recite a special poem for
you, too. Again, it was penned by the great poet and philosopher
Sameer:
Maine Sab Kuch
Tere Pyar Ko De Diya
Tujhpe Rab Se Bhi Jyaada Bharosa Kiya
Maine Sab Kuch Tere Pyar Ko De Diya
Tujhpe Rab Se Bhi Jyaada Bharosa Kiya
Tujhko Palkon Mein Apni Saja Ke Rakhoon
Tere Sapnon Ka Moti Chhupa Ke Rakhoon
Main Karoongi Wafa Tutke
Chori Chori Chupke Chupke, Chori Chori Chupke Chupke
Chori Chori Chupke Chupke, Chori Chori Chupke Chupke
Now to address
your anguish my Soniya. Sometimes love is just around the
corner and all you have to do is arise in the morning and walk
along on your daily trek to find it. Other times it is
obscured, and must be stumbled upon as if in a drunken stupor.
Such is your lot! Except yours will come by way of a combination of
both.
|
You totally suck as a guru. I've read your
last few newsletters and noticed that you haven't given anyone good
advice on anything. I suspect that you make up most of your letters
anyway. I feel sorry for people who really do write to you for wisdom. As of today I am
officially canceling this newsletter and withdrawing from your
minion program.
Reggie Rubinstein (ex minion #1337)
El Paso, TX
| Holy cow! What is
this? Three minions lost this week alone? Nothing breaks my
heart more than losing a good minion, especially someone as
wonderful as #1337 (whoever the hell he was). |
Does Justin know we are soul mates?
Kim Berry, age 19
Wooster, OH
| There are many things
Justin doesn't know. I suspect one of them is that he
may be your soul mate. I suggest you share your feelings
with him and if he is coherent, he might know what your
talking about. If he doesn't then use that as an
indicator that he isn't worthy of your love. |
Bubbaji!
I am a great fan of yours! I want to come to America and be your next official
sidekick! I am finished with my PhD. in June. Together
we can raise some hell, yar? I am a close and personal friend
of your nephew Uday
Umbababbaraba. We met doing our studies at the Indian Institute of Technology in
Kharagpur. Uday says you are coming to India for his wedding in
October so we can return to America together. Do not worry
about funding our adventures since I am the heir to a great
fortune and excessively wealthy. I can hardly wait!
Raj "Saagar" Chopra
Lala Lajpat Rai Hall, IIT Kharagpur, India
| Oh God, this is all I
need—another official
sidekick. Although, I must admit, the fact that this
sidekick would have lots of money might make for some happy
times. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. To
be honest I have no idea who this Uday Umbababbaraba
is. The name does sound familiar so if he is
claiming to be my nephew than I suppose it is true. I'm
also not sure what the above reference to me going to India
was either. Am I going to India for a wedding?
This sounds familiar. I'll definitely have to re read
last month's newsletter. |
Dear Mooj,
Can you help me figure out something? Ever
since I can remember I've called my father
"Daddy-Grandpa." I started to think this over and am
now wondering, is my dad also my grandpa? If he is, how can
that be? I asked my mom and she told me not to "go
there." Any help you can provide is welcome!
Thanks.
"Wanting to Know"
Fredonia, NY
| My butcha, I think you should
probably listen to your mother and not "go there." |
|
