7-4-Mooj Weekly Standard

This is the official newsletter of The Mooj minion family. All material written by and for followers of Sri Swami Mujaputtia "Mooj" Umbababbaraba. Unauthorized readers are asked not to ridicule The Mooj or his loyal followers. Authorized readers are asked to do the same.

Hey Gang! Greetings. Since this newsletter was delayed slightly I will neglect my usual introduction and get down to business. For all those who care I will be back at The Ashram this week. Those wishing to come touch my feet should do so as soon as possible since I am scheduled for another adventure later this month.

Blessings and Such,
The Mooj

As we do every week, let's begin first by reading and reflecting on the mail sent in by my minions. I have no idea what lies ahead (but I have a good idea).

Mooj,

I have a secret admirer at work. Every morning he sends flowers to my desk with a card that says nice things like smile or you're special. Sometimes at lunch when I'm really busy he has take-out delivered. He does all kinds of nice things for me every day. I have no idea who this mystery man is. Please tell me it's the engineer sitting in the corner office and not the geek in the cube across from me who is always staring at my breasts.

Janet, age 22
Fort Dietrich, MD

Saathiya, why is it that sometimes people assume the worst when assessing the good intentions of others? Can genuine kindness ever be conditional? How can the tiger lily charge admission to the bumble bee? Would ever the birds pay rent to the sky? Of course not! Udhar tum haseen ho! God has given us everything and now, somehow, humankind feels it is his right to take these wonderful gifts and allot them conditionally to others. But enough about this for now. In your case it is more complicated because your so-called secret admirer is that guy in the cube across from you. I suggest you avoid the pervert and turn him into the sexual harassment authorities.

You Americans are such vain fools! Ha! You really think all that high technology crap you use today came from your own simple minds? Before 1947 you were a bunch of simpletons sitting around watching black and white TV, talking on rotary dial phones and listening to AM radio. Then after 1947—shazam—you have computers, color TV, cell phones, fax machines, plus a million other new gadgets. Hmmm, I wonder why? Think about it you fool! It’s because you stole all that technology from that UFO that crashed in Roswell, New Mexico. I don’t care that you’re using space alien ideas but at least give credit where credit is due!

Guyd Parbat Se
Malawi, Africa

Gee, how silly of me. All this time I thought our current high technology was attributed to Dwight D. Eisenhower and his ambitions Federal Interstate Highway Program. By that I mean Americans began traveling farther away from their birthplaces and, thus, began demanding better telephone service when they called "home" so Bell Labs had to answer this demand by inventing the transistor to reduce costs and boost the reliability of phone line amplification and, thus, operational amplifier realization soon followed and that naturally progressed into printed card circuitry, etc, etc. But I guess I was wrong.

Great Swami,

I seek your blessings. For years I have agonized over something and I am now ready to tell my story to all whom will listen. May God and my fellow beings forgive me!

Back when I was a freshman at Yale University I was invited to join a super secret society. My father, a wealthy banker from Boston, also went to Yale and belonged to this organization. To make a long story short I pledged this secret organization and had a very difficult time of it because the pledge master was a total jerk. I hated this guy more than words can describe.

About a week before initiation we pledges were moved into the basement of an old abandoned house located outside the city limits of New Haven. This place served as the unofficial off campus headquarters of the organization and was often used for secret rituals, councils, animal sacrifices and other fraternal matters. On the night before initiation the pledge master arrived, roused us from our slumber, and then marched us into the darkness of night. We were then blinded by bright lights and asked questions about our loyalty while members of the organization stood around in dark robes. We were then ordered to strip naked and lie inside coffins. Next we were buried alive while the brothers danced around and sang songs about skulls and bones and stuff. I thought I was going to die but at the last minute they dug us up. Then the brothers took off their robes and we had this huge celebration and drank lots of beer.

After all the brothers had left the pledge master stayed behind and informed us that now the real fun would begin. We knew that what awaited us wasn’t part of the normal ritual. I won’t go into detail but let’s just say that it wasn’t pleasant. When it was over the pledge master marched us back into the basement and locked us up to await the next night’s initiation. As we lay in darkness the other pledges and myself began talking. What the pledge master had done to us was immoral. Worse than immoral it was barbaric! None of us cared about joining the organization anymore. Revenge was our only desire! So we hatched a plan.

In the morning one of the pledges escaped from the basement and broke into the Medical School morgue. There he found a cadaver awaiting transport to an anatomy class. He severed a hand from the cadaver and brought it back to the house. Before the pledge master arrived for the big initiation we placed the dead hand in the toilet, standing it upright. We joked that we were going to give the pledge master a proctology exam like he had never had before! Just as we suspected the pledge master arrived earlier than the others. We heard him enter the house and proceed immediately to the bathroom. We waited in anticipation but there was only silence—no scream or yell. Finally we decided to see what was up. In the bathroom we found the pledge master dead on the floor. His hair was as white as snow! He had been frightened to death!

We had no idea what to do next. The others would arrive shortly so we had to act fast. We carried the pledge master back to his car, poured gasoline all over him, filled the inside of the car with empty beer cans, and then pushed it down a hill. We watched in horror as the car accelerated downward, bounced up and down, and then struck a tree and exploded into a ball of fire. When the others arrived they found the smoldering wreck and the remains of pledge master. The police ruled it an accident.

The other pledges and I swore an oath of secrecy and none of us has broken that vow (until now I guess). In the end we were initiated, finished school and went on with our lives. Most of us are now extremely successful—hell, one of us is even the President of a major country! Now that I have gotten this off my chest I feel much better. Thanks.

Anonymous,
Palm Beach, FL

Whenever I get a letter from some anonymous person that starts off saying "for years I have agonized over something and I am now ready to tell my story" I know that what will follow will be pure unadulterated nonsense. But not in this case! I feel this person was really trying to cleanse his soul and make things right with the Universe. His large donation (accompanying his letter) has inspired me to meditate over his tragic beginnings and thus, hopefully, lead him to better thinking.

Okay, say a friend of mine is totally in love with this guy... He teases her a lot and treats her differently than everyone else he knows. Everyone else thinks he's this tough person, but with her, he doesn't even swear. She thinks he likes her, and with good reason too!

But when she tells him how she feels, he gets weirded out. He says that he likes her a lot, but just wants to be friends before they jump into anything deep. He says that he's not saying he never wants to be with her, but he just doesn't want to rush things.

What I want to know is if there will ever be a chance for the two of them to get together. His birthday is August 7th, 1983.

Julie Tran, age 17
Canada

The great pundit Guru Dutt once said that love is like a multiple colored sunrise. It fills your senses with splendor and joy. But soon it festers into daylight—where, perhaps, clouds may gather and storms may wail. Then with patience comes the sunset; and with it, again, splendor of joyous wonder. Or maybe it's the other way around and starts off like a sunset followed by the blackness of night which is then enlightened again by sunrise. No, I was right the first time. It wouldn't make much sense if it went sunset/darkness/sunrise. But then again it doesn't make much sense being sunrise/daytime/sunset either. To be honest I never cared much for Guru Dutt and his whole sunset/sunrise allegory.

Hi, my name is Rahul Singh. I am studying in 12th. I have lost my father. I really miss him. I need a father who can give me mental and financial support. Will someone help me? I want to be an I.F.S. officer. Please help me. THANKS

Rahul Singh, age 20
Morar Gwalior, India

Yes, my butcha, I will help you! As soon as I return to my Ashram I will have your name added to my perpetual meditation scroll. This is a new feature at The Mooj Ashram. For 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, someone is perpetually meditating for all those on this special list. If others out there would like to have their name added to this list, send in a sizable donation and include a reason or two of why you need perpetual meditation. We are also looking for volunteers wishing to perpetually meditate. Right now perpetual meditations are done in 4-hr shifts. Contact the Mooj Ashram for more information.

My name is Mooj and I am married to Rohan Sharma. I am seeking marital advice since my husband does not seem to meet my needs as a friend and spouse (and in numerous other ways!).

Sincerely,
Mangled Mooj
Aurora, IL

Mere Haathon Mein! Since when has marriage become easy? When one gives his or her heart, he or she must give it away eternally! That is why marriage is a sacred rite of passage in both this life and the next! I know sometimes this passage is difficult. It can be littered with the debris of broken promises, drunken high jinks, immoral behavior, lethargic incompetence, and lack-luster sexual performances. But this doesn't mean it shall remain as such forever; sometimes this debris can be swept away by co-operative cleansing. Yes, sometimes a bond is strengthened by its weakness! The Mooj knows this because he's been married many times!

Mooj,

Before my husband died he told me that he wanted me to keep his skull. He's collected skulls and other gruesome artifacts for as long as I've known him. I’m not too keen about keeping the damn thing but I'll respect his wishes. How do I go about finding an undertaker or taxidermist to preserve his skull? Also, since I’m writing to you for answers, where did he get all his other skulls? He’s got about 50 of them. They're in plastic bags and hidden in our attic. He said he bought them at garage sales and swap meets but I doubt it. Also, do you think The Anaheim Angels will win the World Series again this year?

"Worried Ethyl,"
West Covina, CA

First of all The Mooj hopes this is a joke letter. If it isn't I really would be Worried Ethyl. As far as The Angels go, don't bet on it. It will be another Arizona/NY Yankees World Series.

I would like to know if things will work out between me an my boyfriend as things have been very strained between us for a while now. His name is Audie and he was born April 26 1978. Do you see us getting married or having kids? Anything you can tell me to make things better will be appreciated. Thanks Mooj.

Anonymous, age 22
Queens, New York

O Re Choti! How soft and tender love can be at times. And then how hard and rasperous it can be at others. But the answer to any love question is often answered before the question is even asked. Yes, my laddoo choti, you know the truth already. But then again maybe you don't.

Should I stay or should I go?
If I stay it could be trouble, if I don't it could be double.
Mooj, you gotta let me know.
Should I stay or should I go?

Rob, age 45
Hampton, IL

Like steam within a Boiling Water Reactor, this poor man has reached his personal heat of latent vaporization and achieved limited Carnot enthalpy. The Mooj recommends that he abstain from all vices (both foreign and domestic) and begin meditating on a regular basis. It would probably also be a good idea for him to buy a Mooj minion T-shirt as well.

Mooj,

This is just a quick note to tell you that my wife Dora and I loved your new Ashram. We visited it on June 1, 2003 and it was so peaceful and serene. We had the whole place to ourselves. How trusting you are to leave your doors unlocked for religious pilgrims like us to come and go as we please. You are the best guru ever! We send many Oms and Pranaams your way!

Hank and Dora Burger,
Toms River, NJ

Yes, it is true that The Mooj is a loving and caring guru ..... But I'm not sure why my Ashram was empty. There should have been someone manning the front desk or something. I'll have to look into this when I get back.

Mooj,

How wonderful your new Ashram is! On June 3, 2003 my domestic partner and I stopped in to rest, relax and meditate. We just loved sitting in those big, overstuffed beanbag chairs that were made to look like your feet. Were those bathroom fixtures real gold? And where did you get those giant sandalwood elephants? And those solid onyx barstools and jeweled shot glasses—woof! The next time we are in Maryland we will surely return and meditate again. Oh, by the way, when we arrived there was nobody there. I’m not sure if someone was supposed to be there or not but nobody was. The door was unlocked when we arrived so we left it unlocked when we left. Many Oms Great Sage!

"T-Bear,"
Charleston, SC

What? You mean the interns were still missing from their assigned posts on June 3rd? I'm defiantly going to have to look into this!

Hey Mooj,

On June 7, 2003 I stopped in at your new Ashram to buy one of those giant posters of you. The place was empty. I mean empty of everything! Even your reflection Jacuzzi was drained. I hope this doesn’t mean you got robbed again!

Joe Fallon
Mt. Vernon, VA

Chori Pe Chori! I have had it with those lazy no-good interns! If my Ashram was looted again because of their incompetence I'm going to be really upset!

I recently got in a fight with one of my best friends named Rada it had to do with the behaviour of another girl named Mira basically we had all gone out one night to a club and Rada was dancing with this guy and I decided instead of standing by myself I would go over and stand with Mira well instead she totally backed away from me like two feet and gave me this dirty look all I wanted to do was talk about it with Rada and all she kept saying was that she never saw anything and she didn't want to get involved and she was bringing up another issue I had with another friend that had nothing to do with the conversation So we argued and finally my mom came in and calmed us both down three days went by and I called again and we talked again this time the conversation was a little more calm but it went something like me talking about stuff her telling me she told Mira everything I told her all I was looking for was a little support the conversation left me feeling very uncertain about our friendship because it's not like she was the one that was trying to work things out I was the one she was just kind of saying all these things like she's never gotten into fights with friends meanwhile she was really quick to point the finger at me for things that I did wrong but not willing ever to look at herself for any part of the conversation that she did wrong. Anyways I didn't blame her not even for telling Mira what I said in confidence to her I guess I'm wondering why did this happen will we be friends again what should I do please give me some advice

Biljana Kerndija, age 27
Hamilton, Ontario

Huh? I have no idea what this poor girl is talking about. I guess I just can't concentrate. Maybe it's because I'm too worried about my Ashram. Or maybe it's because Biljana didn't use periods to end any of her sentences. I don't know. Biljana, my sannam, I can only say that you are young and that the friends you hold dear in your heart should be kept. Other than that I can't tell you anything.

Bubbaji!

It is me again Raj Chopra! I am now in Maryland looking for you. I went to your Ashram and it was vacant. The homeless guy sleeping in your perpetual meditation room said he had no idea who you were or when you'd be back. I am now staying in a motel near your Ashram. Please direct me to where I can come to be with you.

Dr. Raj "Saagar" Chopra, Ph.D.
Comfort Inn, Edgewood, Maryland

Oh Great Scott! Who is this guy and why is he wanting to come and be with me? This along with everything else has made me too exhausted to think. I must now go and meditate.

Mooj,

Last week I decided to get a tattoo. Since my friends call me Jewel I wanted to get that word tattooed on my lower back in BIG letters so that's what I told the tattoo guy. Afterwards people started asking me if I was a scientist and stuff. I had no idea what they were saying that so I looked in the mirror and it said "Joule" instead of "Jewel"! What the hell is a joule???????

"Jewel" not Joule,
Pawtucket, RI

Sorry. I couldn't reflect on your letter. I am too busy meditating now.

Actually we have two poems this week. One is about science (or something like that) and the other is about .... well, to be honest, I don't know.

Heisneberg Certainty

by J. Maxwell, PhD.
(Not a minion, just a concerned scientist)

P-Branes, Superstrings, speeding though the air
10-Dimenstional Membranes, Stephen Hawking says they're there
Super gravity, M-theory, tell me do we care?
Expose these scientific frauds I say!
Tell me do we dare?

Das Booty

by Katishka Punjabeiii
(minion 200)

Oft, I not write
I write when mood hits
Hit mood with hammer
No more mood, oft.

A Quick Note from Intern Gus:

Oh oh. I just got back to The Ashram. The place was robbed again. I guess one of us interns forgot to lock the door when we closed up shop for a few weeks to go to the shore. The Mooj is going to be pissed. Good thing he's a loving and gentle guru. A "lesser" guru would probably beat and chastise us. But not The Mooj. (We hope.)

To ease some of The Mooj's sorrow the other interns and I decided to finally download his New Minion applications and process them. Since there was an over-abundant number of them I'm just going to summarize them. If you would like to read the actual essays come to the Ashram. They will be posted on the wall. (We would have posted them on the New Minion Bulletin Board but someone stole that.)

Click here for an application.

New Minion 1374:

New minion 1374 is Dan Thomas. He's a roofer from Northridge, CA. He says that he loves to get on the freeway during rush hour with his tar trailer fired up so that people stuck in traffic around him get sick.

New Minion 1375:

New minion 1375 says that she was Miss Rheingold 1954. She sent in a picture of herself. Nice. (Or at least she was nice in 1954.)

New Minion 1376:

New minion 1376 is Robert J. Luddle. He was born in Ames, Iowa. He says he left Iowa when he was old enough to know that he could. His essay was about how Freud's theory of Id, Ego and Super Ego doesn't really pass the bull [crap] test.

New Minion 1377:

New minion 1377 is Debbie Holland of Henderson, NV. Her essay was actually pretty good. It was about how she got struck by lightning and can now turn on appliances by snapping her fingers.

New Minion 1378:

New minion 1378 is Rudy Santana. He is 28 and lives in Leeville, LA. His essay was about how he made lots of money investing in cattle futures only to lose it all when he bought 700,000 shares of webvan stock. It was a sad little tale.

New Minion 1379:

New minion 1379 calls himself "The Amazing Wiffenpoof." His essay was too stupid to even mention here.

New Minion 1380:

New minion 1380 is a 45-year-old public administrator from Towsen, MD. She wished to remain anonymous. Her essay was about a how she was basically adrift in a sea of despair until she found Mooj.Com. The essay was awarded a gold star by one of the interns. (This intern puts stars on everything so it isn't really that big of a deal.)

New Minion 1381:

New minion 1381 is Fred Huyett from Ogden, UT. Fred is an odd man. Let's just say that his essay will be kept away from the prying eyes of children.

New Minion 1382:

New minion 1382 is Richard Dunn from Union City, CA. Richard is a lawyer working for the Alameda County DA. His essay was pretty good. It had a bunch of legal mumbo jumbo in it and he used the words Lex Loci Contractus a lot.

New Minion 1383:

New minion 1383 is 19 year old Jessica Branson from Selkirk, Manitoba. Her essay was also awarded a gold star. It was basically a retrospect of her life and times while performing in a madrigals singing group.

New Minion 1384:

New minion 1384 is Brook Etzikom of Butler, OH. Brook claims to be a stud but we don't think so. He sent a picture of himself but someone drew a moustache and eye patch on it.

New Minion 1385:

New minion 1385 is a 33 year old from West Bengal, India. His name is Shiv Upadhyay. His essay was about how he sometimes wishes he could fly.

New Minion 1386:

New minion 1386 is Yummi Lalalaplaf from Boise, ID. (This name is obviously fake.) "Yummi" claims to be a 23 year old street sweeper. Her essay was about how she loves The Mooj and wants to have his children. (The other interns and I joked that if she hangs around this Ashram long enough she might get her wish.... if you know what I mean ... wink wink.)

New Minion 1387:

We're not sure about minion 1387. It might be the same girl listed above since the name and address were the same. If this is the same person then we are sorry. She can keep both minion numbers since they are pretty much meaningless anyway. This time her essay was more emotional and she said that she was worthy of becoming a Mooj minion because she had been introduced to the depths of Moojism and felt as though they were absolutely uplifting.

New Minion 1388:

Minion 1388 is a glass blower from NY, NY. His name is Bob Willie. He says he has only one testicle. His essay was basically a memory of his missing testicle.

New Minion 1389:

We're not sure about Minion 1389. We think this might have been a joke submittal. The guy said he was Satan. We seriously doubt Satan would really want to be a Mooj minion. His essay was totally stupid (not to mention scary).

New Minion 1390:

We're not sure about Minion 1390 either. The guy listed his name as D. Bryan Chaney but didn't add anything else. We think he might have sent off his application before finishing it.

New Minion 1391:

Minion 1391 says his name is Adhya Bidyabinod. He lives in New Delhi and works as a rickshaw-wallah. His essay was awarded a gold star and brought many tears to our eyes. It was about how he sacrificed his happiness to ensure that his daughters married well. He also added a poem called Aye Phansa that none of us could figure out since it was written in Hindi.

New Minion 1392:

Minion 1392 sounds like a real loser. Sorry to be so blunt but it's the truth. Listen 1392, you're lucky. You wouldn't have been accepted as a Mooj minion had it not been for the fact that one of the interns thought you looked like that guy "Ducky" in the movie Pretty In Pink.

New Minion 1393:

And last but not least is Minion 1393. This guy's name is Chris Villa. He's 39 and lives in Logan, VA. He says he once appeared on the TV show American Gladiators. His essay was about how sometimes people don't say what they mean when they mean what the say (or something like that). We interns almost voted this guy down because he sent in a picture. He looked like a total dork in that big cowboy hat.

Foreword:

For your reading pleasure we bring you yet another real-time (albeit several weeks delayed) Mooj adventure. So as not to ruin the surprise ending I won't say anything more about what you are about to read. But, oh boy, are you gonna be surprised!

"Gus,"
Intern in charge of the Ashram at the moment.

THE BAY ROAD MYSTERY

Chapter 2. The Secret Passage

After our first night of sleuthing we came to the conclusion that something was indeed going on at The Hayes House: mysterious ships in the cove; rowboats rowing around at midnight; lights going on and off inside the house; tire tracks in the driveway; fingerprints on the door knob; the Mahmoods mysteriously abandoning their beloved home—yes, my friends, something was definitely afoot!

To be honest we didn’t do much sleuthing for the next few days after our initial visit to The Hayes House because we had to look for our missing motorcycles. You may recall that we hid them in the woods on our first night and then never found them again. They were pretty good motorcycles, too (all '49 Panheads). We still haven't found them.

After a few days we moved our base of operations closer to The Hayes House and rented a motel room near Old Dutchman’s Cove. This motel was situated on a bluff overlooking Barmet Bay, which, coincidentally, was the same bay that The Hayes House overlooked. Trent thought this was an ideal location to conduct surveillance. I liked it, too; but mostly because it had free HBO and a complementary breakfast bar.

Our second visit to The Hayes House occurred five or six days after the first. Except this time it was during the day. Trent, Lance and I were walking along on the Old Bay Road after an all-nighter in Ancient Oaks when we spotted that familiar Bayport sign. Trent suggested that we take another look at the mysterious Hayes House. Lance and I were too drunk to care one way or another so we went along without much of a fuss.

As we walked along the dirt trail leading to the house Trent noticed that new tire tracks were on the road. Unsure of what it meant Trent advised us to stay alert and be as quiet as possible. Lance and I did our best.

Soon we emerged from a clearing near the back of the house and were shocked to see a tall woman standing there hanging laundry on a clothesline. Before we could duck back into the woods she saw us. Trent realized that it was useless for us to hide so he called out to the woman and told her that our car had broken down and he wondered if we could use her phone. The woman glared at us and said that her phone was out of order. We thanked the lady, excused ourselves, and then walked back to the road. When we reached the end of the driveway Trent yelled, "Look!" He was pointing at the mailbox. Instead of saying The Mahmoods—as it had a few nights before—it now read Abram and Sarah Lusby. "Yes," continued Trent, "I believe we now have a real mystery on our hands!"

When evening came Trent roused Lance and I from our sleep. He said he wanted to return to The Hayes House to do more sleuthing. Before we knew it the three of us were on the road to Bayport.

From a considerable distance we hid in the woods and observed that The Hayes House was now lit up. The same woman that we had seen in the morning was sitting on the porch smoking a cigarette. A man sat next to her but we couldn’t tell what he was doing. Trent thought it looked like he was shucking oysters or something. A few minutes later we heard what sounded like a telephone ring. The woman got up and went inside. A few moments later she poked her head out from behind a screen door and said something to the man. He got up, rubbed his hands on his pants, and then went inside. "It appears that there’s a telephone call for the man," said Trent. He then added wryly, "Which means that what that lady told us this morning about her phone not working was a lie!"

After a few minutes the man and woman emerged together from the house, locked the front door, and then got into a black sedan that was parked in the driveway. After they had driven away Trent ran to the house and climbed in through an open window. As soon as he was inside he opened the front door for Lance and I. It was now time to have a look around The Hayes House.

Trent suggested that we begin in the basement. We found the cellar door without much trouble and slowly climbed down into the darkness. In the basement we used our flashlights to look around and discovered that the place was filled with big machines. "These are printing presses!" said Trent after lifting the canvas tarp off one of them. "And look," Trent continued, "there’s money hanging on the walls!" Trent was right! There were dozens of freshly printed $20 bills on the wall. "These guys are counterfeiters!" said Trent.

Then all of a sudden we heard noises in the house above us. "Kill your flashlights," ordered Trent. In the darkness we stood silent. Trent whispered to follow him to the rear of the cellar to hide. We found a large wooden crate and climbed inside.

Then the cellar door creaked open and we heard a "click." Suddenly the cellar was awash in light and we heard footsteps coming down the stairs. From inside the crate we could peek through knotholes and saw four people appear. Two were the man and woman we saw earlier. The other two were unfamiliar. Trent whispered that they looked like seamen. From our hiding spot we could easily hear them discuss their operation. It soon became obvious that these crooks were not only counterfeiters, but also smugglers, kidnappers and car thieves. They were also planning a heist of someplace called the Applegate Tower.

When they were through talking one of the crooks walked over to a hidden lever, pulled it, and then a wall near where they stood slid open. "A secret passage!" whispered Trent.

The four crooks then stepped inside and disappeared. After discussing whether or not it was wise to follow the crooks through the secret passage (something the Hardy Boys would do) Lance and I convinced Trent that it was best just to get the hell out of there. So we did.

(....to be continued...)

After we returned to our motel room Trent, Lance and I had a big talk. This Hayes House mystery is a bit more complicated than we had originally thought. It’s one thing if we were going up against just smugglers or just counterfeiters or just kidnappers or just car thieves. But when your going up against smugglers that are also counterfeiters, kidnappers and car thieves; well that’s a bit too much. Trent said it was like the first four Hardy Boy books all mixed into one! Thus, we decided to get the hell out of Southern Maryland. By the time you read this we will have returned to The Ashram. Now is a good time to come by The Ashram if you want to see me (before I leave on my next big adventure).

Last Week | Next Week | Grab Bag

Summer Dates

La Scala - Milan, June 30
The Met - New York, July 3
Sydney Opera House, July 12
The Royal Opera House, London, July 18
Opéra Bastille, Paris, July 22
Neuschwanstein Castle, Salzberg, July 25
ABC Liquor Lounge, Ocala, FL July 28
Perks Coffee House, Norwood, MA, July 30
Dante's Inferno, Edgewood, MD, Aug 4
Helms Club, N. Chicago, Aug 7
Top Of The River, Vicksburg, MS, Aug 15
Rawhide, Scottsdale, AZ, Aug 25
The Big Texan, Amarillo, TX, Aug 28
Ice Centre, San Jose, CA, Aug 30
Happy Jacks Saloon, Morro Bay, CA, Sept 3
Hermosa Beach YMCA, Sept 15

The Mooj Weekly Standard is published weekly, bi-weekly, monthly or sometimes even bi-monthly by the good folks at The Friends of Mooj Society. The Friends of Mooj Society is now headquartered at the World Famous Mooj Ashram in Abingdon, MD. The Friends of Mooj Society is a nonprofit organization, bent on spreading the good works and teachings of Sri Swami Mujaputtia Umbababbaraba (know to all as The Mooj). Anyone can join The Friends of Mooj Society and all are encouraged to do so. All material published in this newsletter is the intellectual property of Mujaputtia Umbababbaraba (aka The Mooj) and may not be reproduced in any manner, shape or form without the expressed written consent of The Mooj or one of his non-paid interns. The Mooj is an equal opportunity swami. He's also quite handsome and popular with the ladies.