Greetings beloved minions!  As promised this week's Mooj Weekly Standard is on time!  (Or at least isn't as late as it usually is.)  Before I begin this week's newsletter I would like to welcome back two of our favorite interns from the past: Becky and Bonnie Yaksuba.  Those of you who are on-the-ball will surely remember that these two fine outstanding ladies served us well many years back.  If memory serves me right these girls were fired when a state child labor audit revealed that they were underage.  Luckily they were "non-paid" interns and so no child labor laws were violated.  Anyway, to make a long story short both girls are now finished with high school and have decided to return to The Mooj Weekly Standard to complete their internship.  Their first assignment is to locate our good friend Lance Worthy.  Lance's last known whereabouts were the Meade County Jail.  He was brought there after being discharged from the Sturgis Hospital.  If anyone can assist Becky and Bonnie with their findings I'm sure they'd appreciate it.  (And so would I.)

As far as newsletters go this one should be pretty good.  The highlight most likely will be a story submitted by our good friend minion #776.  It's about college. 
SPECIAL NOTICE: Each week I begin The Mooj Weekly Standard by answering the minion mail.  This week I have taken special pains to weed out fake letters.  As most of you know the Mooj mail is considered sacred to many and should be used only as a means to communicate holistically with me.  I treat my minion mail reading sessions seriously and it is even part of my morning Puja.  Thus, having to try and figure out whether someone is being serious about a stupid made-up problem is not only time consuming but offensive.  I'm tired of dealing with all this nonsense and won't stand for it anymore!  I'm sorry if you sent in a legitimate letter and it was ignored.  Perhaps next time you'll submit something that isn't so stupid.

Okay, for better or worse, here's this week's minion mail:

The Mooj Mail Bag

Dear Mooj,

My husband and I are just now getting started exploring the possibilities of tantric sex.  I enjoy making love and the potential of expanding my sexual horizons is so exciting to me. One of my minion friends told me that you once wrote a book about tantric sex. Is it still available? My local library says their Mooj books were all checked out several years ago and never returned.

Abby Porter, minion 1116
 Elgin, IL

O my Lassie! How you make me blush with your letter. I have searched my archives and found no book about tantric sex. Not that I expected to find any since I normally stray away from topics like that. I did, however, find a copy of one of my old poetry journals, where I allowed myself to be photographed with a devotee in various Kama Sutra positions (see Mooj Artisan Guild Bulletin, Vol. 1, No. 3). This was done strictly for educational purposes and I was very clear in my instructions that others should not attempt these positions unless they were likewise versed in Yoga. I suggest you contact Vic Taylor (President of the Mooj Memory Bank) for information regarding the availability of this now out of date publication.

Guruji,

I need your advice. I trust you and will abide by your wishes. Should I allow my 13-year-old daughter to get a tattoo? She assures me that it will be discrete and tasteful. All her friends have tattoos and she feels totally left out. I don’t see any harm in letting her get a small one on her ankle or something since everyone has one. My daughter also wants to get her ears pierced but that’s a topic for another day.

Minion 954
Jupiter, TX

You cannot be serious good woman! The Mooj feels he must admonish you for your lack of good sense. Can you not allow your daughter the innocence of childhood without permitting her to do something that she will surely be sorry for doing when common sense enters her head?  It is sadly true that your daughter's peers feel compelled to shock others with rebellious tattoos, body piercing, and such but these are not fruitful endeavors for a 13 year old. Besides, all will surely agree that what is "cool" when one is 13 is definitely "not cool" when one is grown up.

Why do i have feelings for other people?

M. Hughes, age 37
Wilmington, DE

My dear lovelorn Gopi, oh how my heart aches in your struggle. It is written someplace that in big places little things will happen.  Oh how true that can be.  How awful it is that you are married and yet think of other men.  For shame!  This is something that you must avoid since no good can come of it.  You must use the love that still remains in your heart for your husband to ignite a pyre of desire.  Throw your feeling for others on that fire to make it burn even brighter.  The Mooj will meditate and fast for you for about an hour.  The Mooj will probably also abstain from alcohol since it is only 8:00 in the morning.

Mooj,

I often have this dream where I am walking around naked in public. My mother and father are always in my dream and I am hiding from them so they cannot see me. Usually I wake up before they catch me. What does this dream mean?

Minion 1268

Good God, Man! Beware! Your dreams can only mean one thing! You are suffering from Oedipus Complex! I suggest you avoid your parents until you get psychological help.

Will I at least talk to him soon?

Kathi, age 28
Illinois

Yes, my little halwa, you will.  The man of your dreams awaits you and within two years you will wear henna on your hands.  It looks like henna anyway.  Then again it might be oil.  Do you work at a Jiffy Lube?    

Oh Great Sage!

Many years ago I was visited a friend at college. While I was there I met this girl at a party. Nothing romantically happened between us but I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I returned often to that college but never saw her again. My friend said he had no idea who this mystery woman was, nor did any of his friends. 

Time has not erased my memory of this girl and now my love for her burns ever brighter. I must find this woman again! If you help me I will donate $1 Million to any of your Mooj social awareness funds. My wealth has brought me many things but never happiness!  To me all material things are worthless without her to share them with. As far as I can recall the girl was named Rhonda and she was from Newport or Huntington Beach, CA. She had long brown hair and blue eyes and was really into the band Quiet Riot.

Danny Vega, age 39
Fullerton, CA

My friend all I can say is Dilwale dulhaniya le jayenge! You did not give me much to work with but I found the girl never-the-less.  But it pains me to have to abandon your reward money because this woman is happily married with six children. I suggest you forget this woman and move on with your life. Surely a man as rich as you can find someone? (Are you a member of The Mooj Matchmaking Service?) I will keep tabs on this woman and if she does get divorced I'll contact you. After all, a million bucks is a million bucks.

Help!

I think I’m falling in love with my sister’s boyfriend. This is a horrible thing I know and I can’t help myself. My sister went away to college and now her boyfriend comes around to see me. My mom says it seems mighty fishy (and she’s right). I called my sister to see how she’s doing at Smith College and she said she doesn’t miss her boyfriend at all. Does that mean I can go out with him?

Sarah, age 15 
Newton, MA

Oh dee Choti! Your conscience is correct in telling you that you are treading upon waters that should not be stirred. Don’t be hard on yourself since your heart is too young to understand the treachery vexed upon you by this lustful man. Fortunately, he will soon move on to another since he already finds the excitement of betrayal ebbing. I advise you to avoid him at all costs and consider only your sister’s feelings from now on. In all honesty your sister has already forgotten this worthless man (actually, if she’s going to Smith College, she's forgotten all men).

Ahoy!

My anguish can only be soothed by your humble words Guru! I lay awake night after sleepless night crying, tormented, wretched, and woebegone by the memory of a heartless woman. She came into my life and then vanished, as though she was but a grain of sand in an hourglass made of wind. This woman was a student and I her professor at a junior college. Our love was intense and I risked all to be with her. And so it came to pass that I lost my job, family, car, … everything … just to be her lover. And when it was all said and done she cast me aside and moved on, —like a ship in the night that travels in an endless fog —or a storm in the dessert that wipes away the salt of a tear! I begged her to stay—oh, I did! I begged her to forgive me—oh, yes I did!  But she laughed and told me that she was a nomad, and that she could never be chained to only one heart. What can I do to win this girl’s love again?

"Beleaguered Bob," age 56.
Frankfort, KY

Let me guess...., you taught Creative Writing at that junior college, right?  Sadly, your situation is typical of men your age, who make relationship choices based on lust not love.  That, my bhai, is why fate has dealt you this losing hand.  Here’s what I suggest you do: rectify your previous relationship immediately and forget about this other woman. I care about you and your kind and, thus, I will fast, meditate and abstain from sweets for another hour or two in hope that it will speed you along on your path to inner reflection.  I'll probably also abstain from alcohol as well, as it is still morning.

I am starting to go bald. Can Swamaji please bless my head to retard my hair loss?

Minion 1131

Yes, stick your head up against your computer monitor and I will bless it.

The reason I am writing to you is because I would like to know if you have ever read a book called Fudge-a-Mania by Judy Blume? It’s pretty good. I think all people who are confused about their human identity should read this book. If you want I can send you a copy. What is your address anyway?

Betty Morgan Fairchild
Rehoboth Beach, DE

Please, no!  I don't want to read that book again.  Not that I have anything against Judy Blume.  It's just that many years ago I was forced to read that book while taking a Classic American Literature correspondence course in jail. And, quite frankly, it sucked!

Oh great one, What do you make of this, http://www.snwburd.com/bob/etymology/hutchings.html

I think I know the person that named this mountain after himself but, how can this be? He supposedly died in1902, I was not born until 1963 and the person I know was born in 1967. Oh never mind I just realized that these are two different people. They have different middle names.

So who do you predict will win the ALCS and NLCS and ultimately the World Series?

Juan Audabon,
San Jose, CA

As is always the case The Mooj asks his minions not to bet, or otherwise enrich themselves with my always accurate predictions.  I was given this gift of forward vision by the Creator and I have never used it for anything other than helping others and making the World a better place to live.  I ask only that my minions do the same.  This year the Giants and Angels will play in the World Series with the Angels winning the World Series in game 7.

 

Hark!  Can it be true?  Yes, it's .......

A True Minion Story!

Hey minions, how about another one of those enthralling and enriching stories that sometimes get sent into The Mooj Weekly Standard?  This week's story comes from minion #776.  I'm not sure what you'll get out of it but at least there's a lesson in there somewhere.

"Mr. Cool" 
by minion 776

Prologue

My dear brother and sister minions, for your reading enjoyment I have humbly submitted this short and pointless story.  Last month I was so inspired by minion #894's Hot Dog on a Stick Girl story that I decided to send in my own thrilling "coming of age" story. Since this is a family-oriented newsletter I have omitted many things that could have made the story more interesting (like wild sex, all night drunken orgies, beer bong overdoses, etc.) because I feel that most of you will get the gist of my adventure without me having to go into that kind of detail.  Hopefully this story will serve as an inspiration to you—and that you, like me, can go forward in life and achieve whatever it is you want.

-minion 776

All my life I was a nerd but it really didn’t bother me until I got to high school and started to like girls. Then it seemed like I was forever heartbroken because of all the rejection I suffered.  I dreamed about being cool but I was a nerd and couldn't do anything about it.

Then after high school I went to college. During the latter part of the summer before my freshman year I attended a student orientation week. This week was typical of most college orientation programs and was designed to help freshman meet other freshman. When I arrived at my appointed dorm I made an important discovery.  When each new person arrived on the scene he or she quickly made an assessment of themselves and then assimilated into either one of two groups—those being nerds or cool people. It didn’t matter who you were (since no one knew anyone anyway).  It mattered only what you thought you were. Before I could give my observation much thought I found myself standing among the nerds.

Later in the fall when it was time to move into the dorms for real I decided I would never be a nerd again.  That night when I arrived at my freshman dorm I again watched as the newcomers gathered into nerd and cool groups. This time I walked right past the nerds and joined the cool group.

And that’s all it took! From that point on I was cool. 

Us cool guys totally ruled the dorm and did all kinds of wild and crazy stuff.  We raised hell, partied all night and got it on with all the best looking girls.  I was like an animal that had been un caged!

But being cool had its drawbacks. Basically I partied my entire freshman year away and flunked out.  I've been pretty much a wandering idiot since then.  But I don't care.  Just thinking about all the fun I had during that year of college makes it worth it.   

Epilogue

Actually, now that I have re read this story a few times I think maybe I should have studied a little harder in college.  My life certainly would have turned out better and I wouldn't be a vagrant.  Maybe I should have done a better job of evaluating my true goals in life.  It's kind of late now since I'm already in my late 40s but that doesn't mean you guys can't.

-minion 776

 
Hey there!  You with the sheepish look on your face, are you Mooj minion material?  These fine people certainly were (see below).  If you think you would like to join The Mooj family of minions simply click here and fill out your very own minion application.  Remember, The Mooj is an equal opportunity swami and accepts most prospects regardless of how stupid they seem.  Being a minion is a vital step in achieving one-ness with The Mooj.  It's also a great way to meet others that share your core values and beliefs (if you have any).

Meet Minion #1343

Contact_FullName: Benji Hiraga
Contact_Title: Truck Driver, Teamster
Contact_Organization: England Truck Lines
Contact_StreetAddress: [Omitted]
Contact_City: Bunkerville
Contact_State: Nevada
Contact_ZipCode: 89006
Contact_Country: USA
Contact_WorkPhone: [Omitted]
Contact_HomePhone:[Omitted]
Contact_FAX:[Omitted]
Contact_Email: [Omitted]
Contact_URL:
Personal_DateOfBirth: 9/12/50
Personal_Sex: Male
Personal_Height: 5-9
Personal_Weight: 195 
Personal_HairColor: Gray
Personal_EyeColor: Brown
Born: Los Angeles, CA
School: I'm a high school graduate
Finances: Doing okay but nothing to brag about

Something Special About Me:

I'm married with two children.  My wife's name is Sheila and my daughter's names are Mandalay and Sarah.  I'm a Libra and my wife and daughters are Leos.  Sheila and I met when we were in high school.  We both had detention one day and spent the whole hour passing notes to each other.  In one note I asked her if she would marry me.  She wrote back that she would.

Minion Application Essay:

When I was a young I studied under swami Shree Raj Swaminarayan Mandir Bhuj.  He taught me yoga and meditation.  He was an old man and let me call him Uncle Booj.  It cracks me up that your nickname is The Mooj because it sounds like The Booj. Do your devotees call you Uncle Mooj? I miss my Uncle Booj. Besides teaching me yoga and meditation he also taught me how to fix cars and drag race. He had this totally bitchin’ 1969 Mustang Boss 429. He kicked ass all up and down Hawthorne Blvd and people would come from all around to race him. Sadly, Uncle Booj died one summer night when he was racing some guy in a Plymouth 427 Hemi Cuda and hit some oil in the road. His car spun out of control and he crashed through the guardrail and flew into the Pacific Ocean. I sure miss Uncle Booj and all the things he taught me. Now I turn to you Uncle Mooj. What will you teach me?

Meet Minion #1344

Contact_FullName: "Dr. Doobie"
Contact_Title: Grave digger/landscaper
Contact_Organization: Rhode Island National Cemetery
Contact_StreetAddress: [Omitted]
Contact_City: Genesee
Contact_State: NY
Contact_ZipCode: 14754
Contact_Country: USA
Contact_WorkPhone: [Omitted]
Contact_HomePhone:[Omitted]
Contact_FAX:[Omitted]
Contact_Email: [Omitted]
Contact_URL: 
Personal_DateOfBirth: 3/3/66
Personal_Sex: Male
Personal_Height: 5-5
Personal_Weight: 125 
Personal_HairColor: Black
Personal_EyeColor: Blue
Born: Amity, NY
School: I'm a high school graduate
Finances: Doing okay but nothing to brag about

Something Special About Me:

Many years ago I found myself traveling in another dimension.  All my matter turned into antimatter and I became totally invisible.  I could see the world but it couldn’t see me.  So I did what any other red blooded American high school kid would do and went into the girl’s locker room to check out all the hot babes.  About ten minutes into my eye-popping excursion I sensed that my antimatter was starting to turn back into matter so I ran as fast as I could towards the exit but tripped on a bar of soap and fell and hit my head on a bunch of lockers. When I came to Mrs. Reynolds (the girl’s PE coach) was there and she took me to the principal's office.  I wound up getting suspended for two weeks (but it was worth it).

Minion Application Essay:

Well sir, what can a man say at a time like this? I mean really. You want minions… I want to become a minion …. So it’s pretty much a done deal, right?

Meet Minion #2222**

Contact_FullName: Subramanian A. Moojistan
Contact_Title: SAMO 57703
Contact_Organization: Surfer
Contact_StreetAddress: 
Contact_City: 
Contact_State: 
Contact_ZipCode: 
Contact_Country: 
Contact_WorkPhone: Work?
Contact_HomePhone:
Contact_FAX:
Contact_Email:  [Omitted]
Contact_URL: 
Personal_DateOfBirth: 
Personal_Sex: Male
Personal_Height: 6 Ft.
Personal_Weight: 200 
Personal_HairColor: White
Personal_EyeColor: Blue
Born: Mankato, Minnesota
School: I graduated from a community college
Finances: Doing okay but nothing to brag about

Something Special About Me:

I give great mooj.

Minion Application Essay:

After becoming aware of the swami nearly 2 years ago I soon realized that my future would be as a Mooj minion. So 20 months ago I resigned my post and membership in the David Hasselhoff fan club. Surprisingly, the Hasselhoff connection wasn't getting me as much action as you might think. Therefore I decided to join the Mooj in suffering and celibacy for over 20 months now. Please accept this humble application.

P.S. Please assign me minion number 2222 as it has a deep meaning from my nautical past.
**Mooj Note:  Although this is highly irregular, The Mooj will grant you minion #2222.  I hope you realize that this will probably screw up my minion logs now!

Meet Minion #1345

Contact_FullName: Dimple Bacchan
Contact_Title: Dancer/play back singer
Contact_Organization: Sahara India TV Network
Contact_StreetAddress: 400 104 S.V. Road, Goregaon (W)
Contact_City: Mumbai 
Contact_State: 
Contact_ZipCode: 
Contact_Country: India
Contact_WorkPhone: 91 22 8738825 - 5580
Contact_HomePhone:
Contact_FAX: 91 22 8738824
Contact_Email:  [Omitted]
Contact_URL: 
Personal_DateOfBirth: 12/26/79
Personal_Sex: Female
Personal_Height: 
Personal_Weight: 
Personal_HairColor: Black
Personal_EyeColor: Brown
Born: Madras, India
School: I have a Master's degree
Finances: Well off

Something Special About Me:

I'm a good girl from a good Bengali family.  I got my first big break in show business when I was selected to dance on top of a train in the film Dil Se.  I never made the final cut because I fell off.

Minion Application Essay:

In poverty and other misfortunes in life, true friendship is a refuge. To the young it keeps them out of mischief; to the elders it provides comfort, and to those in the prime of their life it incites idealism and altruism.  How sad it is that I did not find you earlier in life for when I dearly needed a friend.  Today I am fortunate that my path yonderward is paved with your blessings.  

Meet Minion #1346

Contact_FullName: Tamaya R.
Contact_Title: Vital organ transporter
Contact_Organization: Munson Healthcare Services
Contact_StreetAddress: [Omitted]
Contact_City: Traverse City
Contact_State: Michigan
Contact_ZipCode: 49684
Contact_Country: USA
Contact_WorkPhone: (231) [Omitted]
Contact_HomePhone: [Omitted]
Contact_FAX: [Omitted]
Contact_Email:  [Omitted]
Contact_URL: 
Personal_DateOfBirth: 11/20/65
Personal_Sex: Female
Personal_Height: 5-8
Personal_Weight: 130
Personal_HairColor: Brown
Personal_EyeColor: Brown
Born: Antrim, MI
School: I graduated from a community college
Finances: Well off

Something Special About Me:

This warm and sensual black woman would enjoy spending time with a special companion who enjoys traveling to quiet retreats, going to the movies, attending concerts and cuddling up together while reading side by side near a roaring fire. I am already emotionally, physically and financially intact and hope that you are also. I look forward to hearing from you if you are also committed to building a relationship. (no games!)

Minion Application Essay:

Mooj, you may not remember me but in our previous life we were married.  I was Queen Yaa Asantewa of the Ashanti Empire and you were my boy king.  Together we waged love and war.  By day we fought side by side against the British and at night we made mad passionate love.  

Meet Minion #1347

Contact_FullName: R. H.
Contact_Title: Cashier
Contact_Organization: People's State Bank
Contact_StreetAddress: [Omitted]
Contact_City: Hardtner
Contact_State: KS
Contact_ZipCode: 67057
Contact_Country: USA
Contact_WorkPhone: (231) [Omitted]
Contact_HomePhone: [Omitted]
Contact_FAX: [Omitted]
Contact_Email:  [Omitted]
Contact_URL: 
Personal_DateOfBirth: 6/29/81
Personal_Sex: Female
Personal_Height: 5-11
Personal_Weight: 150
Personal_HairColor: Blonde
Personal_EyeColor: Brown
Born: Deerhead, KS
School: I'm a high school graduate
Finances: S.O.L.

Something Special About Me:

Something about me?  Hmmm. This is really a difficult question because you can know the depth of a sea but you can never know how the depth of a human heart.  I guess the best thing to say about myself is that I am proud to be a Kansan.  Here in the sun flower state no one forgets your birthday or steals your car when you leave it running out in front of the post office.  Men don't look down your blouse when you bend over and dogs don't crap on other people's lawns.  I would never live anywhere else. 

Minion Application Essay:

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Meet Minion #1348

Contact_FullName: Dr. Tino Kaita Uri
Contact_Title: Associate Professor, Health and Natural Sciences
Contact_Organization: Chabot College
Contact_StreetAddress: [Omitted]
Contact_City: Hayward
Contact_State: CA
Contact_ZipCode: 94545
Contact_Country: USA
Contact_WorkPhone: (510) 723-6600
Contact_HomePhone: [Omitted]
Contact_FAX: [Omitted]
Contact_Email:  [Omitted]
Contact_URL: 
Personal_DateOfBirth: 8/30/46
Personal_Sex: Male
Personal_Height: 5-1
Personal_Weight: 120
Personal_HairColor: Brown
Personal_EyeColor: Brown
Born: Dunedin, New Zealand
School: I have a Ph.D.
Finances: Well off

Something Special About Me:

I was born in Dunedin, New Zealand in 1946.  I am 25th generation Ngai Tahu, and was born to a Maori mother and English father.  When I was sixteen I ran away from home and joined the Royal Navy.  I sailed around the world and finally jumped ship in California to start my new life.

Minion Application Essay:

Part of me really wants to believe that this is true—that you are this real swami guy, hanging out there in Bel Air, MD with all your devotee pals. I read your newsletters and they always make me happy. "Man," I think, "wouldn’t it be cool if this Mooj guy was real ..... that he really did get his ass kicked by outlaw bikers up in Sturges, smoked crack with some homeless guy in Arizona, rafted down the Mississippi River with his idiot nephew, escaped from Chester County Jail, etc, etc." But I know it isn’t real. Or at least my common sense tells me it isn’t real. But what is common sense anyway? Can common sense make one happy? Can common sense ease one's troubled mind? Hell No! Maybe you are real Mooj. Maybe you're real only to those who believe in you.  I believe in you Mooj. I also love you.

Closing Thoughts

I was going to add a Travels with Mooj section this week but didn't do that since doing so would require me to think.  I'm just too tired to think right now.  For those of you who are confused about my present location let me just say that so am I.  Hopefully by next newsletter I'll have figured this all out.

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