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Guruji,
I can tell that your 8-month-long pilgrimage
in search of true inner peace and wisdom really helped you.
Last month's newsletter was your best ever and it was so refreshing
(in a holistic new age sort of way) to see that your advice
was coherent, logical and
some-what reasonable; and you actually came across
as humble and pious too.
My thoughts and prayers
are with you most worthy swamiji. Ohm Jelly Jay!
Mack McBee (Minion 1021)
| Thank
Minion 1021! The
Mooj cannot put into words how delighted he was to
receive your letter. Minions like you
make it worth being a guru! |
Last night I had this
dream that I was sitting inside a giant lotus blossom eating
a ball of laddoo.
The sky above me was awash with swirls and bubbles. What does it all mean?
Minion 1146
| My
dear minion, your dream tells me that you are
suffering from a guilty conscience.
Have you done something wrong lately, my son? The Mooj
suspects that you are in serious legal jeopardy and soon will
be carted off to jail in handcuffs. Oh, you naughty boy!! |
Mooj,
I don't know if you
remember me but last March we shared a crack pipe together
in a garbage dumpster outside the Glendale, Arizona homeless shelter. I still
remember how comforting you were after I got crushed by that garbage truck
when
the
dumpster we were living in got emptied before I could
escape. You gave me a Mooj Minion T-shirt to rest my
weary head upon and held my hand while I lay dying. Your
kind words soothed me and made me want to live. I wanted to write
and thank
you now that I can (my hands are healed). Believe it or
not I took your advice and have turned my life
around. If you can believe it I am finally clean and sober and
gainfully
employed; and I owe it all to you Swami! Thank
You SO MUCH Mooj!
"K-Mart
Ken"
| The
kindness you speak of sounds Mooj-like but the
reference to crack smoking and cohabitation in a
dumpster doesn't sound Mooj-like at all.
Are you sure it was me that was with you that
day? To be honest I don't recall being anywhere
near Arizona last March. I'm
glad you got your life back in order but please don't
write to me again. |
Mooj,
Thank you for all
that you do for us. We are totally overwhelmed with your
kindness and compassion and the wisdom that you bestow
upon us lowly beings. Since you have returned from your
sojourn of inner-discovery we can tell that you are even
more holistic than before. Keep on truckin'
lard ass!
The Bagley Sisters,
St. Mary's, PA
| The
Mooj wonders why these Bagley Sisters keep bothering
him with letters that make no sense. Actually,
aren't The Bagley Sisters banned from this
newsletter? I'll have to
check my minion logs. |
I work at Costco. I work there
about 12 hrs a week to supplement my social security. I am
75 years old. Have you ever been to Costco? When
I’m working there I give out samples of food. People
are such pigs! Don’t think I don’t notice you fat slobs
getting in line over and over again to get samples. I love to go as slow as
possible when I’m putting out my food trays. Sometimes people get so irate that it makes me go
even slower.
Nothing cracks me up more than when some stupid idiot puts
something scaldingly hot in their mouth because they're too
impatient to wait. I say, "Be
careful, it’s hot," while they run away
screaming and waving their hands in front of their mouths.
Ha ha ha!
"Grandma Morris"
White Marsh, MD
| The
Mooj thanks you for your letter "Grandma Morris," (whoever you are) but I must admit that
I am somewhat confused as to why you sent me this.
Are you
asking for advice or something? |
When will my marriage end and I
can get on with my life?
D. Samuels, age 43
Covington, Ga
| My
fragrant and auspicious child! Oh how it pains me to
read your letter! Can love be so fleeting in
your heart that
it is now measured with time, not joy and
laughter? I regret that you find yourself in
such an unhappy way. The Mooj will meditate,
fast, and abstain from all sources of pleasure
(including sex) for a
whole hour in hope that it will extinguish your bitter
anguish and replace it with happier
moments. |
Dear Mujaputtia,
We recently informed you that you
and your poetic accomplishments will be honored at the
upcoming 2002 International Society of Poets Summer
Convention and Symposium in Washington, DC - even though you
will be unable to attend. Please note, however, that there
remains just ten days for you to inform us that you will
allow us to present one of your poems at the convention in
your place, and that you have elected to receive all of the
awards that we have scheduled for you. Your awards include
your custom engraved International Poet of Merit Silver
Award Bowl, your bronze Commemorative Award Medallion, and
your Full One Year Membership into the International Society
of Poets for 2002-2003.
Professional poetry reader Alan
Rose will read your poem at this largest and most
prestigious gathering of poets in history. Mr. Rose’s
dramatic baritone voice and imaginative style will give your
poetry a dynamic flair, as well as the worldwide exposure
and recognition that it deserves. Your poem will also be
featured in printed form, proudly displayed in a special
room at the convention that will be accessible to over 1,900
attending poets and guests from over 50 countries.
And let me tell you a little about
the actual awards that you will receive by mail immediately
after you confirm your participation in this prestigious
event by submitting your poem:
-- Your International Poet of Merit
Silver Award Bowl (a $175.00 value) is a magnificent work of
art in itself that measures over 10 inches across and over
10 inches high. It is handcrafted in silver and has your
name custom-engraved on a beautiful cherry wood base. It is
certain to enjoy a special place of pride in your home and
will serve as a fitting symbol of your unique poetic
artistry.
-- Your bronze Commemorative Award
Medallion (a $40.00 value) is a deeply etched bronze medal
brilliantly displayed on a 25 inch red, white and blue satin
ribbon.
-- And your Full One Year
Membership into the International Society of Poets for
2002-2003 (a $60.00 value) entitles you to a personalized
membership card, an ISP patch and decal, entry into special
contests during the year, and a subscription to The Poet's
Corner quarterly magazine.
Mujaputtia, all that’s required
for us to immediately send you all of these Awards is for
you to submit a poem to be formally presented at the
convention. Additionally, we must also ask you for the
necessary funds ($169.00) to cover the costs of the time and
effort required to present your poem before the convention
attendees both aloud and in writing, as well as the costs
incurred in insuring and shipping to you these extremely
bulky and heavy awards.
Mujaputtia, we are, of course,
ultimately most interested in meeting you and having you
personally present your artistry in front of the thousands
of other poets who attend these live events. Unfortunately,
this is not to be the case at this time, so we’re trying
to do the next best thing. But we sincerely hope to
personally present you with your most deserved awards in the
future.
Sincerely,
Steve Michaels
Convention Awards Chairperson
P.S. Your International Poet of
Merit Award and bronze Commemorative Award Medallion will be
shipped to you by Federal Express, and will be accompanied
by an iron-clad promise that you will be thrilled with your
awards. If for any reason you’re not completely delighted,
simply return them any time within 60 days of receipt for a
full refund, no questions asked.
P.P.S. You'll also receive a
$100.00 gift certificate off the registration of a future
ISP convention so that we can formally recognize your poetic
accomplishments in person at a date that's convenient to
you.
| The
Mooj has no idea what this letter is about. Are
other deserving poets out there also being bombarded
with this nonsense? |
Mooj,
Yep, but only a SEAWOLF sailor rode
that Dolphin naked. Did you know that?
B. Laderach
| And
....,
The Mooj has no idea what this letter is about,
either..... |
Dear editor-in-chief,
I have become hopelessly obsessed
with a recent photograph I saw in your newsletter. I
lie awake night after sleepless night with the image of the
beautiful naked man on the forklift. Can you tell me more about
him? What is his sign? What are his passions? His dreams?
Where did he get those cool socks?
Denis T.
A die-hard fan
| All
The Mooj knows is that guy doesn't wear appropriate personnel protective equipment (PPE) while
operating heavy machinery. Unless, of course,
those are steel-toed shoes he's
wearing. |
Acclaim on your latest newsletter
Herr Mooj!
My wife and I so enjoyed the photo of Minion 1332
(the nudist forklift driver from Düsseldorf, Germany) in
your July 10, 2002 newsletter. Can
you tell us more about this jolly fellow? We’d like most
to know what’s hidden under his censored graphic, Ja! Is
it placed to scale? Do others have to use his forklift after
he’s done driving it? Are other workers at the Haaf Stadt
brewery nudists too? Lots of people in Germany are
nudists you know. My wife Eva and I have been nudists for
over 30 years. Enclosed please find photos of us at the
nudist Rodeo in Hamburg. That’s Eva on the
bull and I’m the man sitting on the barrel with the clown
makeup on. Also attached are some photos of our children at the
Nudist Olympics. Those are our twin
daughters Helga and Berta short-track speed skating and
those are
our sons Beck and Gunther on the 2-man bobsled. Anyway, we’re
just regular folk like you and hope to hear back from you.
You are a big sensation here in Germany!
Der Württembergs,
Baden-Baden, Germany
| The
Mooj thanks you for your letter but regrets that the
rodeo photos cannot be posted in this newsletter since
they may be deemed offensive by those finding the sport of rodeo cruel and inhumane
to animals. I would have included the Olympic
photos but can't find them. (The interns were
passing them around and laughing earlier and now no
one seems to know where they are.) To be honest I
always thought the Nude Olympics were a summer
thing. It never dawned on me that there were
winter Nude Olympics, too. |
Mooj,
I am working as accountant and don't know which way to go to
increase my income. Should I do some course in Accounts or should
I look for some business?
M. K. Menghanni, age 35
Kuwait
| My
dear and inquisitive Arab friend, it is true that we
shall forever encounter vistas and pitfalls along
the pathways of life. However, a journey can
never be completed if a chosen path of travel is not selected. I recall many years ago while
meditating beneath a neem tree near my boyhood
home that I came to the realization that life cannot
be lived in a vacuum; it had to be lived where air is
plentiful and ionized. So too must you find your
neem tree to squat under and plan your life
accordingly. In the mean time The Mooj feels you
should further your education if possible. Hell, you're a Kuwaiti aren't
you? Don't all you guys get a free college
education anyway? |
Mooj,
I want to know if Aaron Jacobs is
interested in me and if we will go out.
S. K. Hatton, age 36
Brampton, Ontario
| Dear
sweet and pungent child, I know how it is to be young and foolish.
But now it is time to look forward and consider your
dharma. At this point it is more important that
you consider not whether Aaron Jacobs will ask you out;
but if he is capable of supporting you and your
daughter both emotionally and financially. If he can
(and only you know the truth) then it is possible
that he has an interest in you. If he can't then
it is better that you begin your search anew. |
Bro Mooj ...,
Hey dewd ... when you slidin' back
over to the PI for a jam??? You gotsta know that Filipino
musicians be the best in the whole wide world, man and
there's plenty of cats here who dig your chops. Last time
Little Charlie and the Nightcats was in town for a gig ...
Steamer, one of my mentors and their Tagalog interpreter,
blue's harp tuner and Far East tour guide, introduced me to
the band and they turned us on to some of yo' stuff man ...
some bootleg tape of you doing your thing ... and it blew us
out, dog. You was righteously ridin' riffs right on up to
the very tip top of a wonderfully satisfactory free idea
that had us staggerin' about and jus' shoutin' "YES,
YES, YEESSSS !!! Holy Krishna, Buddha, Yahweh, Jesus, Allah
& Ozzie ... you invoked some wild, undomesticated
sensations my man !!! You got an open invite to sit in with
us any time, anywhere my brother. You can find us most
nights at the Tip Top or out at the East End trying to get
this Greater East Olongapo Bluez Revival thing underway. We can
use your help in gittin' the joint jumpin'. Let's kick it.
Just ask for "The Mojo's" or for me ...
"Blind Balut" Magsaysay ... the artist formerly
known as "Hey Joe."
Peace,
H.J.
Olongapo City, PI
| Hmmm,
it's that "Hey Joe" guy again. The Mooj never
quite knows what this guy is trying to get at.
The Mooj suspects that this poor fellow may have lived
one too many years in the lingering fumes of the
Doo-doo river. |
This is negative feedback on your
July 10 newsletter. I did not care much for the stupid story
by Minion 894. He has some nerve to think
that anyone cares about his stupid teenage lust adventure. Some of
us weren’t so lucky as to get jobs at the mall, you know.
To this day I still recall the pain and suffering I had during my impressionable teenage years when I was routinely
rejected over and over again by my mall’s food
court. They all thought they were so high and mighty!
Bastards all! Every summer I put in my application
and never got as much as a howdy doo. My psychiatrist says that
she thinks this repeated rejection is partially to blame for all my
mental problems.
Inmate 34-87565,
Clinic for the Criminally Insane,
New Rochelle, NY
| The
Mooj shall chant and meditate for you my humble insane
friend. Hopefully, soon, your pain and suffering
will abide (but I doubt it). |
Mooj Man,
Help! I
accidentally inhaled pot smoke at a rave last night and am
worried about how long it will stay in my system. I have an interview next week with
Waffle House and I think they might make me take a drug
test. I inhaled quite a lot of the smoke and probably took
some ecstasy too. Is my goose cooked?
"Red Man," age 56
Lincoln, Alabama
| Yes.
Sadly, you're pretty much destined for a life of
failure unless you get your act together. If
you are really 56 year's old then I suggest you begin
now. |
| Well,
that's about all The Mooj can handle this week.
I apologize to those of you who sent in mail that
was not
addressed. Perhaps I will get to it later (but
don't count on it). |
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