The Mooj Weekly Standard is published weekly, bi-weekly, monthly or sometimes even bi-monthly.  In the old days it was published weekly so that's why it is called The Mooj "Weekly" Standard.  Sorry we can't publish them as often as we used to but good help is so hard to find these days and it doesn't help that our editor (Sri Mujaputtia Umbababbaraba) is always off doing something.  This newsletter is the official journal of the The Friends of Mooj Society, which is headquartered in Bel Air, MD.  All material published in this work is the intellectual property of Mujaputtia Umbababbaraba (aka The Mooj) and may not be reproduced in any manner, shape or form without the expressed written consent of him or one of his non-paid interns.  The Mooj is an equal opportunity swami and will help all (except for those on his "enemies list.")

Greetings beloved friends!  Oh, how delighted I am to join you again in this newsletter gathering.  This week we have lots of good stuff for you to read, including minion mail, new minion request essays, a poem and another wonderful teenage love story.  I'll keep this introduction short so you can get busy reading the newsletter.  But first I need to address the omission of this year's annual awards newsletter.  Normally the awards issue is published in July but that didn't happen.  I'm not even sure why.  But that doesn't matter since the editorial committee is now prepared to judge and issue awards in the December newsletter.  That gives you talented minions plenty of time to submit something.  I'm not going to say anything about stuff that has already been published but let's just say that the categories are still wide-open.

Blessings and Such,
The Mooj

 
SPECIAL THANKS TO ALL:  Before I answer the Mooj Mail this week I'd like to say that I couldn't help but notice a marked improvement in the quality of material being sent into The Mooj Weekly Standard lately.  You minions seemed to make a genuine effort not to send in crap and so most of the Mooj Mail was deemed worthy of reflection.  I hope this trend continues. 

 

Well, let's avoid the inevitable and answer some minion mail, shall we?

"The Mooj Mail Bag"

Sir,

I rarely write into to publications like this but after reading your newsletter last week I just had to. Mooj, I’m a totally different person now thanks to you and your totally wicked-ass publication. After reading the story by minion 776 I thought to myself how stupid I’ve been all my life. I’m not a nerd—I just think I’m one! So I went to school and looked around. Yep, it was just like minion 776 said! People were divided into two social castes: nerds and cool people. At lunch instead of sitting at the nerd table (like I always do) I sat with the football players. They accepted me as one of their own. In fact, tonight they’re going to initiate me into their super secret jock club. I’m supposed to meet them at this old abandoned house tonight on the outskirts of town around midnight. I heard that every high school football player in the whole county is going to be there.  It should be some kick-ass party! I have no idea what will happen but I don’t care because now I’ll be one of the cool guys and that’s all that matters. Thanks minion #776!

Jamie Tyler, age 17
Westwood, MA

Oh dear.  My psychic senses tell me that this poor little guy was severely punished for his egregious violation of age-old teenage social taboos. I fear now that Jamie will suffer long lasting physical and emotional anguish. Alas, if only I had read his email when it first came in and then I could have emailed him back and warned him about the trap that was laid before him by his naughty football player classmates. But fear not Jamie! Some good will come of this and I hope you have learned a valuable lesson about life: sometimes it is better to adhere to one’s chosen dharma and accept a lesser lot in life rather than risk suffering humiliation at the hands of the privileged class. Not that The Mooj doesn't think your stand was courageous.  It's just that not everybody can be a Gandhi or Bhuvan you know. If it is any comfort to you I’ll send you a free Mooj T-shirt. Cheer up little guy!

Mooj,

My wife and I want to spice up our sex life but we don’t know what to do. Can you think of anything that two old geezers like us can do without hurting each other? We’re both in our 90s and have bad hips.

Geoff and June Miller (minions 813 & 814)
c/o Adrian Wells Retirement Home
Grove City, OH

My goodness! I would have ignored this letter except that I know these people. I stayed with them a few years back when I was traveling through Ohio.  If memory serves me right I had just left Cincinnati and was headed toward Chicago. Or maybe it was it to Memphis. I don’t know and I’m confused but at least I remember the Millers. Actually, maybe it was another Miller family. The Millers I stayed with were much younger, probably in their 30s. Oh well, maybe I’ll just ignore this letter after all.

Hey Shree 420,

I’m totally bummed out by my pathetic life! The way I see it things could only be made better if I had a bigger lavda. How can I get one? I haven’t had a girlfriend in over a month and none of my previous relationships have lasted more than a week. The girls I date never say anything but I know what they’re thinking because they always get this stupid smirk on their face when they see me without my pants. I spend a lot of time worrying about this. Is that normal? I’m now at the point where I’m desperate and would do anything. Is there an operation that can be done? I don’t give a damn about the cost or side effects. 

Yash Chota, age 24
Bombay, India

My dear butcha, I, being a Kshatriya like you, know too well how every warrior needs a sword; but surely this method to obtain one more applicable to the battles you aim to fight is troubling! Be happy with what God has given you and use it wisely my son. Also, beware that those who don’t consider cost and/or side effects when making needless medical alterations sometimes rue forever their foolish decisions.  Besides, what are you doing letting others see you with your pants off anyway? What kind of haramzada are you? Wait until you get married before you do such naughty things!

Dear Mooj,

Please consider this a legitimate letter. I know you’re cracking down on fake letters but I assure you that this one is real and that I (we) really need your help. Many years ago I met this girl named Tammy. We fell in love and decided to get married. But before we did Tammy revealed a terrible family secret. Her father was in prison because he and his gang had robbed a bank. Tammy told me that her father had hidden his share of the loot and would return for it after he was released from prison. Since her dad still had many years to serve I was able to talk Tammy into fooling her father into unwittingly divulging the whereabouts of his money. I figured we needed it more than he did. To make a long story short we guessed where the money was, retrieved it and then used it to buy a house and start a family business. Now Tammy’s dad is getting out of prison. Should we re-hide the money or just let him discover it is missing? Since it was stolen I don’t think he deserves it. But Tammy wants to put some of it back. What say you, great Swami? What should we do?

Richard Wiggins,
Murfreesboro, TN

Your troubles seem fitting for the kind of person you must be. I’m not sure which is worse: using the stolen money for yourself or not replacing it for your poor jail bird father-in-law. At least hide something so the old man won’t feel like his long sentence was in vain! For years the poor guy probably dreamt about that money and it kept him going while he rotted away in jail. And now you want to take his dream away from him?  Hum Chup Hain!  Besides, your father-in-law is so old now that he doesn't even remember how much money was hidden there to begin with so you only have to hide a few hundred bucks.  You will have years of bad karma if you don't put something in the hiding spot.  Actually, it can't be any worse than the bad karma you already have for not returning the money to the bank in the first place.

Should we stay together?

R. Collier, age 33
Fredericksburg, VA

Memsahib, how sad it is when one is married to one, yet living with another. I assume your question is about staying with your wife and not your adulterous girlfriend. But that doesn’t matter. What does is that you remember that we are born once, we die once, we marry once, and we fall in love once. If you’re lucky your one time getting married coincides with your one time falling in love. If that's not what happened then I don't know what to tell you.  It is up to you now to put things back in order and resume your duties as a faithful husband. The Mooj will meditate and fast for you (for about an hour only) in hope that it may bring you some enlightenment.

WHAT ARE MY FUTURE PROSPECTS?

Sarah Chohan, age 26
Nepean, Ontario

My dear bahenji, you are indeed destined for great things my little soniya. I know you’re feeling frustrated by the lack of good men in your town but that is because good men are hard to find in Ontario. Most are drunks and/or hockey hooligans. To better your odds of finding a suitable boy look beyond the bars and hot spots you normally frequent. Try churches, picnics, public gardens or places where alcohol isn’t served. Most of all remember that you are a strong-willed girl and that you should not settle for just any man.  But you better start looking now!  Also, since you're trying to improve your life I suggest you stop eating so much red meat and begin contributing to your company's 401(k) program.

Why is good [female genitalia] and weed so hard to find?

Joe Schmoe, age 19
High Town, NY

Listen Joe Schmoe, if that's even your real name.  You’re lucky that I’m even answering this letter. I was going to delete it but one of my interns thought it might be a legitimate plea for help. This intern is also a 19 year old and says that he also suffers from this problem. After thinking it over I fired the intern and decided not to answer your letter. That should be a lesson to both of you!

Will my ex-wife and I get back together and if so, when?

Willy Davis, age 41
Sherman, TX

Babuji, how sad it is when a grown man like yourself suffers because he has done some unfaithful carousing. Is that your situation? My psychic senses tell me there’s more to your story than you’re telling. Only you know the answer to that my friend. All I can do for you now is meditate and fast and hope that your negative karma improves. I will also abstain from drinking my usual twelve pack of malt liquor tonight in hope that it speeds you along toward your new-found enlightenment. I suggest you do the same!

My girlfriend has suddenly begun a relationship with her ex. She says that it is just "friendly" but I am worried that I will lose her. What should I do?

Joe Nevaras, age 37
Abington, MA

The great philosopher Kumar Purnaiya Markandayya once wrote (or opined in song) that with each step one must put his foot down. That my friend is what you must do! Demand honesty in your relationship. Otherwise one never knows whose muddy shoes he’ll see underneath the bed where his muddy shoes used to be.  

Should I give Victor a chance under the circumstances or hold out for Robby or someone completely not thought of?

Melissa, age 19
Largo, FL

Tujhe dekha to yeh jaana sanaam!  My dear balushai, like Nectar in a Sieve you are too young to be absorbed in such foolish ramblings. Victor sounds nice but he isn’t Robby. And Robby isn’t Victor. And both are definitely not someone completely not thought of. Whatever you do, listen to your brain more than your heart. It is wiser when you are 19. Also, stop wearing so much makeup and it will help your acne clear up!

 
Word Up Minions!  A poem just arrived that requires no introduction.  Well, actually it does so one is provided.

"Minion Poetry"

Wild Hair Mooj ...
(by Williams Mason, a non registered minion)

A short preamble by the poetry submitter:  

Love your look, man ... way cool. I want to look just like that when I grow up ... all guru like and stuff.  Inspired me to write a poem. This is it:


How 'bout them hairy faces
Ain't they wierd?
Growin' a mustache, 
Growin' a beard.
Sproutin' scrufty stuff
Under chins and within noses
Long curly stringy stuff
Lookin' like Moses.
How to be a hairy face
Can't be beat.
Buy yourself a razor
Throw it in the street.

 
Hey gang!  Are you tired of being neglected and forgotten by other, lesser-caring, gurus? If so why not join thousands of other satisfied devotees like these fine specimens below?  To date there are more than 1,350 happy Mooj minions frolicking about this Earth and there is always room for more.  Isn't it time you did something for yourself? If you think you have what it takes to be a Mooj minion, fill out this application today.

"NEW MOOJ MINIONS!"

Meet Minion #1349

Contact_FullName: Martina Herzog
Contact_Title: Housewife
Contact_Organization: 
Contact_StreetAddress: [Omitted]
Contact_City: Soledad                              
Contact_State: CA
Contact_ZipCode: 93960
Contact_Country: USA
Contact_WorkPhone: 
Contact_HomePhone:[Omitted]
Contact_FAX:
Contact_Email: [Omitted]
Contact_URL:
Personal_DateOfBirth: 7/7/84
Personal_Sex: Female
Personal_Height: 5-5
Personal_Weight: 125 
Personal_HairColor: Brown
Personal_EyeColor: Brown
Born: Corona, CA
School: I'm a high school graduate
Finances: Doing okay but nothing to brag about

Something Special About Me:

I was bred in captivity.  No, I'm serious!  My mother was an inmate at Frontera prison and my father was either one of the guards or the guy that drove the laundry truck.   

Minion Application Essay:

I'm romantic, loving and very sexual.  I make people's fantasies come true if they want them to.  I enjoy the finer things in life and love to be pampered as much as I love to pamper.  I am also a card carrying member of the Green Party.

Meet Minion #1350

Contact_FullName: Madhumati Chandu
Contact_Title: Resident GP
Contact_Organization: University of Chicago Hospital
Contact_StreetAddress: [Omitted]
Contact_City: Chicago 
Contact_State: IL
Contact_ZipCode: 60637
Contact_Country: USA
Contact_WorkPhone: [Omitted]
Contact_HomePhone:[Omitted]
Contact_FAX:[Omitted]
Contact_Email: [Omitted]
Contact_URL: 
Personal_DateOfBirth: 9/13/67
Personal_Sex: Female
Personal_Height: 5-2
Personal_Weight: 140 
Personal_HairColor: Black
Personal_EyeColor: Brown
Born: Naperville, IL
School: I have a Doctorate degree
Finances: Well off

Something Special About Me:

Currently, I am doing my medical residency and strive to balance work and leisure. I am professional, humorous, an avid reader, voracious writer & poet.  I enjoy cooking, gardening, traveling, interior decorating and belonging to a well-known Arora/Khatri family.  My husband is also a doctor and we have two children named Krishi and Rahul.

Minion Application Essay:

Right now as I am sitting at a picnic table at the state fair. My children and husband are off on rides and I am waiting for them.  I brought my laptop computer to catch up on some work and have now digressed into writing this essay.  I am sitting opposite the porta-potties.  There is one that seems to be causing people distress.  There's a long line for all the others except for that one.  Every once in a while someone will get out of line to take a look and see why that particular porta-pottie is not being used.  Each time the person abruptly slams the door and returns to line.  I wonder what could be in there that is so bad?  Most porta-potties are disgusting anyway; what would make this one standout as even more disgusting?  Okay, here comes someone else.  You can tell she really has to go.  She just opened it--slam!  She shut the door and walked away.  She looks sick!  Now she's standing there and looking at the long lines for the other potties.  What's she going to do?  She's returning to the empty one again.  She opened the door.  She closed it again!  Now she's just standing there.  Boy, she really has to go and doesn't know what to do.  She opened the door again.  Shut it.  She looks sick!!!  She opened the door gain.  Oh my God!  She went inside!  She's still in there ......  Still there.  Still there. Still there. Still there. Still there. Still there..... Oh my God, now she's out.  Her face looks green!  She looks like she's going to vomit!  I have to go now. My husband and kids just got back.  

Meet Minion #1351

Contact_FullName: Frank
Contact_Title: Humanist
Contact_Organization: Earth
Contact_StreetAddress: none
Contact_City: none
Contact_State: none
Contact_ZipCode: none
Contact_Country: none
Contact_WorkPhone: none
Contact_HomePhone: none
Contact_FAX: none
Contact_Email:  [Omitted]
Contact_URL: 
Personal_DateOfBirth: 10/15/70
Personal_Sex: Male
Personal_Height: unknown
Personal_Weight: unknown 
Personal_HairColor: Brown
Personal_EyeColor: Blue
Born: Earth
School: I graduated from a community college
Finances: Doing okay but nothing to brag about

Something Special About Me:

 I am. 

Minion Application Essay:

Maybe it was only a local Southern California thing but when I was young there was this commercial on TV for Ady Plumbing and Heating.  They showed this guy dressed like a plumber fixing a sink and then this voice in the background would ask: "Who fixes clogs and leaks?" The guy would then get this stupid look on his face and say, "Ady dooooo."  Then another question was asked and the guy answered, "Ady dooooo," again.  The whole commercial was basically this guy answering questions with that same stupid answer.  When I graduated from high school I was hired by Ady Plumbing and Heating as an apprentice plumber.  My dad belonged to a steam fitter local and so he used his connections to get me into the trade.  I hated being a plumber and did a crappy job whenever possible.  Finally I got fired.  After that all my friends would say stuff like: "Who fires lazy-ass plumbers when they never show up for work? ..... Ady dooooooooo!"   

Meet Minion #1352

Contact_FullName: Mrs. Tully
Contact_Title: Mom
Contact_Organization: 
Contact_StreetAddress: [Omitted]
Contact_City: Phoenix 
Contact_State: AZ
Contact_ZipCode: 85048
Contact_Country: USA
Contact_WorkPhone: [Omitted]
Contact_HomePhone: [Omitted]
Contact_FAX: [Omitted]
Contact_Email:  [Omitted]
Contact_URL: 
Personal_DateOfBirth: 9/6/65
Personal_Sex: Female
Personal_Height: None of your business
Personal_Weight: None of your business
Personal_HairColor: Brown
Personal_EyeColor: Green
Born: San Francisco, CA
School: Mercy High School
Finances: Doing okay but nothing to brag about

Something Special About Me:

Look Mooj, now that my daughter has lost her two front teeth she looks just like me!

Minion Application Essay:

A few years ago my husband attended one of those Promise Keeper rallies.  He came home this real candy-ass wimp!  He was always trying to help me around the house, do the dishes, change diapers and stuff and it got old real fast.  "Act like a man," I would say as he folded laundry and vacuumed.  It was a real turn off.  Then last summer he attended Mooj-Fest 2002.  When he came home he basically reverted back to his old self.  Now he just sits around the house in his underwear drinking beer and watching TV all day.  He's a real man again and I owe it all to your Moojism program.    

Meet Minion #1353

Contact_FullName: The Amazing Graff
Contact_Title: Clairvoyant
Contact_Organization: 
Contact_StreetAddress: [Omitted]
Contact_City: Marina Del Rey
Contact_State: CA
Contact_ZipCode: 90211
Contact_Country: USA
Contact_WorkPhone: [Omitted]
Contact_HomePhone: [Omitted]
Contact_FAX: [Omitted]
Contact_Email:  [Omitted]
Contact_URL: 
Personal_DateOfBirth: 5/1/73
Personal_Sex: Male
Personal_Height: 5-10
Personal_Weight: 200
Personal_HairColor: Brown
Personal_EyeColor: Brown
Born: Olympia, WA
School: I graduated from a community college
Finances: Well off

Something Special About Me:

My earliest memories are of being one year's old and telling my parents things that were about to happen. They were usually strange things and there was no real explanation as to why I knew them.  I simply KNEW them.  As I grew older I honed my psychic abilities and am now a Certified Master Clairvoyant (CMC).  I just published my first book entitled, What Your Animal's Dreams Mean.  I'm having a book signing next Saturday (11/9) at the Sisterhood Bookstore on Westwood Blvd in West LA.  I'm also giving free phrenological readings that day.  Come one, come all.

Minion Application Essay:

I can deliver messages to you from the Other Side and open a relationship with your Spirit Guide.  I can also connect you with a loved one who has crossed over or help you uncover the passion that burns within you. Not only can I see directly into any person's mind and soul ... but also into their computer's innards ... nothing can remain hidden from me ... and I'll prove it.  Click here!  Look familiar? 

    

Meet Minion #1354

Contact_FullName: Rusty
Contact_Title: Pizza Delivery Man
Contact_Organization: Dominos
Contact_StreetAddress: [Omitted]
Contact_City: Los Angeles
Contact_State: CA
Contact_ZipCode: 90025
Contact_Country: USA
Contact_WorkPhone: 
Contact_HomePhone: [Omitted]
Contact_FAX: 
Contact_Email:  [Omitted]
Contact_URL: 
Personal_DateOfBirth: 12/12/73
Personal_Sex: Male
Personal_Height: 6-2
Personal_Weight: 250
Personal_HairColor: Blonde
Personal_EyeColor: Brown
Born: Hawthorne, CA
School: I have a Masters degree
Finances: S.O.L.

Something Special About Me:

Back when I was a graduate student at UCLA I worked at the Mezzaluna restaurant on San Vicente Boulevard in Brentwood.  I was a busboy.  Some of you may recall that this place became infamous in 1994 and closed shortly thereafter.

Minion Application Essay:

For years I have been looking for guidance in Hathayogapradipika and Shiva Samhita style Yoga.  I went to an ashram in Chandi Chowk (New Delhi) and a monk there gave me your website and told me that the answer to all of life's questions could be found there.  When I returned to my hotel I quickly logged onto your site and thought it was a joke.  I read every newsletter twice and none of them made any sense.  I was so confused. "But this Guru Mooj has 1,000s of followers," I thought, "why would so many people follow his teachings when he doesn't teach anything?"  Many swamis have websites to put up information to help people understand themselves and improve their relationship with God.  But yours doesn't (or if it does it's in a way that doesn't make sense).  Oh well, I guess I'm just too stupid to get the message right now.  I'll go ahead and become an official minion and then hopefully figure this out later. 

Meet Minion #1355

Contact_FullName: Dean Cordova
Contact_Title: Maintenance man
Contact_Organization: Civic Auditorium
Contact_StreetAddress: [Omitted]
Contact_City: San Jose
Contact_State: CA
Contact_ZipCode: 95125
Contact_Country: USA
Contact_WorkPhone: 
Contact_HomePhone: [Omitted]
Contact_FAX: [Omitted]
Contact_Email:  [Omitted]
Contact_URL: 
Personal_DateOfBirth: 1/16/79
Personal_Sex: Male
Personal_Height: 5-7
Personal_Weight: 150
Personal_HairColor: Brown
Personal_EyeColor: Brown
Born: Lakewood, CA
School: I graduated from a community college
Finances: Well off

Something Special About Me:

I support and encourage your fight against these ugly rumors and gossip that you are a fraud and that you are always drunk and that you steal money from children and old people.  I believe that if evil is done in front of you and you don't try to stop it then you become a conspirator and accomplice to that evil and share the negative karma.  That's why I totally support your fight against these rumors and ignorance. Fight on Mooj! 

Mooj Note:  I have no idea what this guy is talking about.  I never heard anything about these rumors.  If people are really saying stuff like this about me I better tone down my public drinking and aggressive fund raising practices. 

Minion Application Essay:

Thanks for this beautiful website Guruji. I agree that there is a moral obligation to defend our Swami and not turn a blind eye to the slanders of disgruntled ex-devotees. Come on folks! Wake up!! Singing bhajans, conducting study classes and feeding the homeless is lots of fun but let's face it, in many instances it is done for selfish and self-serving reasons alone. But doing what Mooj is doing by publishing these awful newsletters that don't teach anything is courageous and takes a lot of guts!  He must really love us.

Can it be true?  Yes, another talented minion has sent in his very own .......

True Minion Story!

Hey minions, if you just can't get enough of your fellow minion's coming of age stories then you're in luck.  Some guy claiming to be minion #859 submitted this rather nice tale.  Although it is longer than what we normally publish, the editorial committee felt it was acceptable.  (In other words no one else sent in a story.)  Okay, enough of my rambling on.  I'll let minion #859 do the rambling now ......

"I'll Never Forget Old What's Her Name" 
by minion 859

A Short Preface Before You Start

Sit back minion gals and pals and pour yourself a drink.  Make it two.  What you are about to read is a true story.  Well, mostly true anyway.  It is a tale about a long ago summer when I was young and innocent.  It takes place on Cape Cod during the summer of 1957.  In reading this I hope you too remember one of your own long-forgotten summer loves.

-minion 859

I had just graduated from high school and had no idea what I wanted to do in life so I got a summer job and worked. Like most townies living in South Falmouth I found employment at one of the local sea-side restaurants that catered to the summer crowds. South Falmouth was pretty much a ghost town in those days; that was until June, then the population swelled ten-fold because of all the families that came to occupy their summer cottages. I loved living on the cape year round except in the busy season; that’s because all the summer kids considered us townies bums. We were shunned by most.

Year after year there was one family in particular that I hated most of all. They owned the most expensive cottage on the beach. The father was a big shot lawyer from Boston and he thought the sun shined out his butt. His son was about my age and was named Biff. Biff was a total jackass and caused me nothing but trouble. As I grew older I tried to avoid Biff but our paths often crossed and I was usually worse off because of it.

Then one night during the summer of 1957 I was scheduled to work a dinner party. Biff and his family were there and they were their usual pompous selves. Biff’s date that night was a gorgeous blond with green eyes and ruby red lips. She had on a colorful summer dress and looked like a million dollars. I couldn’t believe how pretty this girl was and peeked at her through the round kitchen door window whenever I had a chance. It killed me to think that a jackass like Biff could land a girl like that. Later, while clearing a nearby table I overheard someone say that the girl was Biff's fiancée from Boston.  That made me even sadder. 

Toward the end of my shift Biff got really drunk and one of the cooks found him passed out in the men’s bathroom. The cook hated Biff as much as I did and so he got a bunch of us waiters to help bring him out back. We stripped him naked, bound and gagged him and then hung him upside down from a giant fish hook that was attached to the back wall of the restaurant. Then we all took turns attaching live lobsters to various parts of his anatomy. I had waited years to get even with that son of a bitch and it felt soooo good.

About twenty minutes later I noticed Biff’s fiancée walking around the restaurant looking for him. I lied to her and said that Biff left with a bunch of girls. She seemed upset and said that Biff was a real ass at times and I agreed. I was off work by then so I offered her a ride to town and she declined, saying she would rather walk. I watched through the restaurant window as she disappeared into the night.

Then it began to drizzle. "Yes!" I thought and ran as fast as I could to my old jalopy, which was parked out back. Soon it began raining even harder.  I started the car and tore through the parking lot as fast as I could toward the road. Within a few minutes I caught up with the girl and she was soaking wet.  I asked her again if she wanted a ride and this time she accepted.  While I was helping her into my car it began to pour.

"Where to?" I asked.

"Oh I don’t care," she said, "just take me back to town I guess."

As we drove along my windows began to fog up and I had to pull over. I tried to wipe the windows with my sleeve but it didn’t help. I asked the girl if she minded waiting a while until the windows defogged and she said that she didn't. We then rolled down our side windows and waited while the rain continued to pour. After a few moments of awkward silence I told her I was sorry for lying to her.

"About what?" she asked.

"Well, Biff didn’t really leave the restaurant with a bunch of girls. He passed out in the men’s room and a bunch of us guys hung him upside down on a giant hook out back."

The girl started laughing and said that it sounded like just the place for Biff. I asked her if she loved Biff and she said, "Sort of." She then went on to say that she had known him for many years and that he had both good qualities and bad qualities; but that she really didn’t know if she loved him all that much.

The windshield began clearing up and I could see enough to drive so I put my car back into gear and drove along through the thick mud until I could get back on the road. Then I headed for the downtown area of South Falmouth.  When we got there all the lights were out due to a power failure.  "I have an idea," I said and pulled a few hundred yards up the road and parked near the beach, "we can wait out the storm here."

When I turned off the car the rain began letting up.  Pretty soon it had stopped altogether and I asked the girl if she wanted to go for a walk on the beach. She said okay.

We walked along the beach for a while and then climbed to the end of a long fishing jetty.  There I placed my coat for her to sit on.  We sat and began talking.  Before we knew it the sun was rising and we had spent the whole night talking!

I then took a chance and tried to kiss her but she turned her cheek and said that it was wrong and that her father would never approve of a boy like me. He was a bank president and wanted her to marry Biff. I took her hand and told her that in big places little things happen. We sat there for a few minutes and then got up and began walking back to my car.

Before I drove her back to where she was staying (it was Biff's family cottage) I told her that I would always remember how beautiful she looked in the moonlight. She told me that she would always remember me, too.  

We drove quietly along the beach road toward Biff's family cottage.  When we arrived Biff and his father were waiting in front and they were furious! The girl got out of my car and ran inside and I took off as fast as I could. Both Biff and his father ran alongside my car cursing and hitting it with their fists.  Then they stopped and began shooting at me with revolvers that they pulled from their bathrobe pockets. I just ducked down and kept driving; I never looked back!  I drove straight off the cape and headed for California.  When I arrived I sold my car for $20 and got a job working in a lemon tree orchard.  The rest, as they say, is history.

Believe it or not I never saw that girl again. I thought about her often over the years but couldn’t really look her up because I never got her name. But it really didn’t matter. I married a nice Italian woman a few years later and now I hardly think about that girl anymore. Whatever her name was.

Closing Thoughts

Before I forget, I must tell you all that our pal Lance Worthy finally showed up.  He wandered into the Mooj.com building a few days after I sent the Yaksuba twins out to find him.  Now the Yaksuba twins are missing.  If anyone knows the whereabouts of Becky and Bonnie Yaksuba, please let us know.

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