With Lightened heart and enlightened head I now bid you all fond greetings.  As most of you know I have finally returned from my long and arduous journey in search of true inner peace and enhanced self-realization.  I had originally planned to be gone for only a week but my travels proved harder to manage than expected.  Hopefully, now that I'm back I can recall some of my traveling adventures for you.  But to be honest most of it's fuzzy.  Especially that week in Mexico.

 

Since this is actually the first newsletter I've edited all year I'm going to treat it like the 2002 inaugural issue.  My earnest hope is that you will be satisfied and that this will be yet another fruitful year for the Mooj.com empire and the ever burgeoning Mooj minion family.  

I admit last year that The Mooj Weekly Standard (the standard bearer of the Mooj minion community) missed the mark with both quality and quantity.  I cannot affix blame to anyone but myself so I won't.  (But then again, my lazy and hapless nephew Mogender Singh was partially to blame, too.)

Now that I am back from my long and arduous journey my mind is clear and my thinking much refreshed.  I will draw on this new-found consciousness to beef up these lackluster newsletters and add material that is actually useful.  I will also include old-time favorites such as my award winning poetry, your minion stories, my travel adventures, Mooj mail from troubled minions and genuine Mooj reflections.  Long time readers will also notice other popular features from the past, such as our always popular Buray Bengali and Lance Worthy essays. 

 

Fear not humble and gentle minions, for our annual "Moojie" awards issue is forthcoming (maybe next month).  This exciting news should inspire those of you who are self-identified poets, writers and/or artists to send in your work.  Special prizes will also be awarded for generosity (so get out those checkbooks amigos and send in your donations!).

The boys in the Grizzly Duck Publications warehouse also want me to remind you that Official Mooj Minion T-shirts are still available!  And, better yet, they've been reduced in price!  For a short time these exquisite one-of-a-kind T-shirts are only $10 each!  (That's a whopping 33% off!)  But you better hurry!  Supplies are dwindling!

Mooj.com is also looking for new summer and fall interns.  Sadly, we had a bunch of really good ones a few months ago but they all quit because no newsletters were getting published while I was off on my so-called journey of self-realization.  Isn't it ironic that this newsletter finally got the talent it so desperately needed and couldn't use any of it since nothing was getting published due to my aimless neglect?  Oh well. 

Hear that minions?  It's the sound of the Mooj Mail Bag opening.  And that other sound is the sound of The Mooj sighing in disgust because most of the mail in The Mooj Mail Bag was the usual crap I always seem to get.  One thing I came to realize as I was self-realizing on my journey toward inner peace was that most people must think this whole Mooj Mail Bag thing is a joke!  Well it's not!  Remember minions, The Mooj Mail Bag is reserved for holistic purposes and serves as a portal of wisdom for those of you out there that need to communicate with The Mooj or to share something with the Mooj minion community at large.  It's not a vehicle to opine absurdity or harass The Mooj and his followers. You wouldn't believe the stuff that got sent in this week!  I had to delete most of it.  And, again, ladies .... please stop writing in and asking for naked pictures of myself!  They're all gone!

Below are random samplings of letters found somewhat non offensive.

Sir,

I found your last newsletter repugnant. Who is this Lance Worthy person and why was he allowed to answer your email? I think you owe your readers an apology, especially Canadians, Russians, French people, pilots, residents of LA, southerners and teachers.

Brenda Honker
UMass (or ZooMass as we call it)
Amherst, MA
BEFORE I begin answering the minion mail can I just say that I was appalled by Lance Worthy's behavior last week!  I agree with you Ms. Honker (?), no one should have been subjected to such rudeness!  As a result, Lance Worthy has now been placed on minion probation. Mr. Worthy is on thin ice, I tell you! In fact, had I not been so happy and gleeful to see him again after I thought he was dead I certainly would have banished him completely from my mentoring program.  If Lance Worthy had learned anything from me in all these years that I've been his guru, it should have been that with wisdom comes responsibility and with responsibility comes more wisdom.  I was very disappointed to see that he had never learned that.

I placed Ms. Honker's (?) letter at the forefront of the minion mail selections because I found it a fitting way to begin this segment and allow the needed reasoning behind my forthcoming apology. How does one say I'm sorry for such rough and brutal treatment at the hands of Lance Worthy?  I just don't know.  But I hope you understand that I have anguished long and hard these last few days trying to think of an answer.

Dearest Mooj,

The other day I was bringing some old clothes to the St. Vincent de Paul poor box and, lo and behold, what did I see?  Someone carelessly discarded a photo of you there!  Don't worry great swami I rescued it and it now hangs proudly in my garage between my Sylvester Stallone and Farrah Fawcett posters. 

Your Pal for Life,

Garry Bagwell, minion 1078
Red Tiger, PA


Yes, The Mooj sees by the photo attached to your email that you are correct.  

Dear Swami, 

My friends and I were arguing about what is more miserable. Is it worse to be stuck up a monkey's [butt] with your tongue tied to one of your eye lids or working in a warehouse in Arizona mixing fertilizer? All of us except one guy (he is retarded) picked the warehouse. What do you think????

"EOD Mike"

The path to inner wisdom is a long and treacherous one my dear boy.  Many of us make our way not knowing what lies beyond the precipice.  One's journey should never be measured by distance or accomplishments; but how well regarded we are by those that follow in our footsteps.  You are a wise one EOD Mike because you have the sense to ask questions.  Many people don't; and as a result, they live the life of an aimless fool, content only with ignorance and apathy.  As far as your question goes I feel that mixing fertilizer in Arizona has to be better than being stuck up a monkey's rectum with a tongue tied to one's eye lid.  It would have to be, right?  I'm not even sure why you are confused by this matter.  Think about it.  One could make money making fertilizer while gaining nothing in return from being stuck up a monkey's rumpus.  But then again maybe you see more into this question than I do.  Perhaps being stuck up a monkey's rectum has deeper meaning to you.  Either way, I hope you're careful and don't attempt this foolish behavior if that is what your desire is.

Dearest and Most Humble Mooj,

Forgive me great yogi master for being so ignorant and unworthy. I need your help great sage. I am but a lowly graduate student studying Electrical Engineering at UC Berkeley. Great Swami, since you are blessed with wisdom in the Hindustanic languages can you help me communicate better with the guy I share my graduate student cubicle with? He is from India and doesn’t understand English very well. How do you say in Hindi, "Hey you filthy jackass, you smell like a goat!  Why don't you bathe and put on underarm deodorant!"

Most Unworthy,

Dean Hildado
Cal Berkeley
Most gracious friend,  I welcome you and your question to my humble newsletter.  Yes, I am indeed gifted with the knowledge of Indus and Hindic languages and would love to help you if I could.  But I sense that you are not genuine in your request for advice and are instead mocking me and my people.  If you're really having a problem with your Asian cube mate all I can suggest that you kindly ask him to wash.  If he really does smell like a goat chances are he is from Pakistan not India.

Dear Mooj,

While you were away on your self-realization journey I checked your web site daily, hoping beyond hope that you would return. I really needed to ask you about something. Now that you're back I forget what I wanted to ask you. Do you have any idea what it was?   

"Denver Doug"
Estes Park, CO
My sweet and gentle friend I am so happy to receive your email.  I apologize for my lengthy absence and hope that you can now find peace and harmony with the others, who were also lost without my guiding and enlightening wisdom to comfort them these last few months.  I have thought long and hard about what your previous query might have been and sense that it was nothing important.

Mooj,

You don’t know me but a fellow marine turned me onto your site. He says you should remember him because he once worked for The Washington Post and sent you lots of anonymous scoops. He wanted me to tell you that I am trustworthy and that I'm not trying to scam you or anything. He would have sent this email himself except that he has extra duty tonight.

Here’s the deal. I’m an American Special Forces Commando in Afghanistan. Back in December I found $36 million in Taliban drug money inside one of those Tora Bora caves. I now need help moving the cash out of Afghanistan. I will send you the shipment waybill and all you have to do is claim this luggage on behalf of me and my colleagues. Needless to say the trust placed in you at this junction is enormous. We are willing to offer you an agreeable percentage of these funds for your trouble. But first we need your help! We need you send $25,000 in cash to help bribe the Afghanistani warlords and buy a suitcase. You’ll also have to pay the shipping costs. As soon as we receive your cash we’ll send the suitcase full of money.

Sgt. Bradon Curtis
[APO address omitted]
I am honored that you consider me trustworthy for this special cause commando Curtis.  However, I am saddened by the reality of my present financial situation and cannot provide the needed funds at this time.  But I will chant, meditate and fast for you.  I might even light some incense for you as well.

Intended for Mujaputtia Only

“Ladies and gentlemen, and fellow poets . . . It’s now time to declare the winner of the largest cash prize ever awarded to an amateur poet . . . Our Poet of the Year for 2002 . . . and Grand Prize winner of $20,000 is . . . Mujaputtia Umbababbaraba!”

We’re familiar with your work, Mujaputtia, and you know . . . it could happen just that way!

Dear Mujaputtia,

I would like to inform you of your nomination as Poet of the Year for 2002, and to personally invite you to read your poetry at the single largest gathering of poets in history, where you will be formally inducted as an International Poet of Merit and Honored Member of our Society for 2002.

Your induction will take place Friday evening, August 23rd, in the United States Capital, Washington, D.C., during the International Society of Poets Summer 2002 Convention and Symposium.

You will also be honored with two separate and very special awards for your poetic achievement at special ceremonies throughout the weekend.

First, to honor and commemorate your poetic accomplishments, after you present your poetry in front of fellow poets from around the world, amidst the applause from the audience, you will be presented with your International Poet of Merit Silver Award Bowl. The Award is a magnificent work of art in itself ($175.00 value), uniquely engraved and mounted on a walnut base (see it here). This incomparable award is so large and heavy, you may need an extra suitcase just to carry it home!

And Mujaputtia . . . there’s much more . . . In recognition of your poetry presentation at this prestigious international Symposium, we will also create and present to you a beautiful and colorful Commemorative Award Medallion to honor your poetic dedication and achievements.

35 POETS WILL SHARE $66,500.00 TOTAL IN PRIZES--INCLUDING THE SINGLE LARGEST POETRY CASH PRIZE EVER AWARDED--$20,000.00!

And don’t forget the most lucrative amateur poetry contest ever! Your contest entry poem can be written in any style, on any subject . . . . and can be up to 40 lines long.

Just think . . . for this poem alone, you will have the opportunity to win one of 35 cash and gift prizes to be awarded at the Symposium . . . . including a Grand Prize of $20,000.00--the largest cash prize ever awarded in an amateur poetry competition. There’s also a Second Prize of $5,000.00, a Third Prize of $2,500.00, a Fourth Prize of $1,000.00, and six Fifth Prizes of $500.00 each. World-renowned Pulitzer Prize-winning poet Stephen Dunn will be with us to congratulate poets and present the Grand Prize.

Your society is also encouraging today’s youth to develop and utilize their poetic talents in a positive manner. This year we will award five $1,000.00 cash scholarships to talented young poets attending the Symposium.

Our editors and professors will also be searching for new poetic talent. Twenty poets will be “discovered” in the contest reading sessions. These winners will be awarded publishing or recording contracts that will generate international exposure for their poetic artistry.

In all, $66,500.00 in cash and prizes will be awarded at this single event!

LIGHTS . . . CAMERA . . . ACTION!!

And that’s still just the beginning . . . we’ve got three very special days planned for you . . . ones you’ll never forget!  

**You will be officially inducted as an International Poet of Merit for 2002.

**You and your poetic achievements will be honored at two Gala Banquets and Award Ceremonies.

**You will enjoy dazzling entertainment shows created especially for you featuring BeatleMania, the Beatles tribute show direct from Broadway, and the legendary Motown singing group the Marvelettes, plus special surprise guest entertainers each night. These special command performances will thrill and delight you. There will also be lots of other entertainment, including Midnight Dance Parties on both Friday and Saturday nights!

**Longtime friend of ISP, Florence Henderson will be returning again to entertain and inspire us throughout the weekend.

**You will learn more about your craft in seminars, reading rooms, rap sessions, and workshops, where you can read and discuss your poetry in informal settings with other poets from all over the world. Back by popular demand are the ISP rap rooms, our famous sunrise poetry readings, the ISP Coffee House, the ISP Open Microphone Rooms, and workshops on how to fine-tune your poetic talents.

**You will have the rare opportunity to get up-close and personal with the Pulitzer Prize-winning poet Stephen Dunn, who will also be reading his own work.

**You will participate in a fantastic international poetry competition featuring 35 prizes totaling $66,500.00. A Grand Prize of $20,000.00, 9 other cash prizes totaling $11,500.00, 10 poetry recording contracts, 10 book publishing contracts, and 5 Young Poets Scholarship prizes will be awarded at this single event.

**You and your guests will also be eligible to win one of many door prizes, valued at over $6,000.00.

** You will make friendships that will last a lifetime and will return home with wonderful memories, your International Poet of Merit Silver Award Bowl, your Commemorative Award Medallion, and lots of other special gifts.

DON’T BE LEFT OUT

Don’t miss this opportunity. Space is limited, and our Conventions routinely sell out. Plan to join your fellow poets in Washington, D.C., August 23rd-25th, 2002, for the poetic event of the year! I am also looking forward to meeting you and celebrating the power and beauty of poets and poetry!

Sincerely,
Steve Michaels
International Society of Poets
Convention Chairperson

I cannot put into words how sad I am that I cannot attend this otherwise festive and lively poetic occasion.  I would have loved to have been there but, alas, I am weak and weary from all my previous travels. (And besides I'll be in Sturgis for Bike Week!)

Mooj,

What guy should I go for: Jeremy, Auby, Curt, Matt, or Bradley?

Teana Smith, age 16
Midland, TX
Dear sweet and innocent Teana, you are so alive and full of spirit.  The Mooj envies you dear one.  But seriously, forget never that love is wasted on the young and so often our love pathways are cluttered with unworthy stragglers.  At your age you will meet many boys, none of whom will be your eventual life partner.  You are simply too young to understand what true love really is.  Therefore, enjoy yourself and learn what you can about pain and suffering for it will only be superficial and easily forgotten.  Your real true love awaits!  But don't forget as you sample the joys of tenderness, one should never surrender love's most precious gift!  You must save that for the man that you eventually do marry, for he will love you more than you could ever understand today.

Mooj,

My ex boyfriend Phil and I broke up last year we just friends I try to talk to him online and he wouldn't speak to me he feel bad since we broken up and I am worried about him I want to know why he not talking to me?

Tineka Howell, age 20
East Carondlet, IL

Sweet and precious Tineka, you too are young and innocent.  But you are also wiser than you know.  I suggest you re-evaluate your relationship with Phil and determine hastily whether or not he has what it takes to make you happy and secure.  You must now put aside your youth and move into the next phase of your life—the most important one, the one that shall determine the non reversible path your life will take.  Waste not a single day on any man that doesn't fit into what you have determined to be your eventual destiny and dharma.

Mooj,

Will Aamir Khan ever fall in love with me?

Ranni Gupta, age 22
Pushkar, Rajistan, India

No my sweet, Aamir Khan will never fall in love with you.  But that should not discourage you because you are beautiful and intelligent and there are dozens of other boys in your village that love and admire you! True love is around the corner and you will meet the man of your dreams within a year.  His mother and your mother have already become friends and through this friendship you will meet.  You will be married when the pundits see Virgo in Gemini and thus, blessed with many children.

Mooj Man,

Enclosed is a photo I took in South Central LA. It’s of a house that was covered with graffiti, including stuff from one of your minions. Isn’t that counter-harmonic? Shouldn’t your minions be abstaining from gang banging? Most Yogis teach their followers to avoid violence. I am a devotee of Jnyanayogi Sri Siddeshwar for almost 5 years now and abstain from all vices.

Loud and Proud,
Vijay Kanduhar

Yes my dear friend, The Mooj is troubled by what he sees.  The Mooj asks all his minions to kindly abstain from applying graffiti on other people's property.  The Mooj has cross-referenced the minion number and sent a notice to that person, asking him (or her) to remove the paint.  This person is now placed on minion probation.
Mooj Note:  The remainder of Mooj mail was omitted due to time restraints.  If you submitted a genuine letter and it was not included here I apologize.  Please resend the item and I will reconsider it at a later time.  Chances are if your mail was omitted then it was probably deemed stupid and/or offensive.  Please take that into consideration when submitting your next email.

Hey Minions... How about a Quick Poem?
 

While sifting through The Mooj poetry archives I found an old poem that was written by my brother Shahrukha back in 1966.  I have no idea what became of Shahrukha but reading this poem sure reminds me of him.  This poem was written in traditional Gujarati (and thus should be sung while reading).


kabhie kabhie mere dil hai
tu ab ooom pehle jay
satu menta-aaaar bas ray 
tujhe zammeen par bul tay

ke ye boooooop yen dar lay 
mer eeeeeep amaan ham din pay
ye gosum ooooki kee ghan kay
Bhuvan lagaan tu ta ta hip to may

(a rough translation.....)

My love is like a banana tree
That grows erect and tall
Pluck my fruit 'o happy one
And soon we'll have a ball

Hey, now, o' gentle lass
Our time has come to pass
We ate too many lentils, dear
And the room now smells of gas

 

Hey gang, look!  Lots of new minions!  Most of these prospects seem very nice so we gladly accept them into our burgeoning family of minions.  If you would like to become a minion, too, simply click here and fill in your own minion application.  Chances are you'll be accepted since we have no standards or acceptance criteria.  Just about anyone can become a minion (see below for proof).

Contact_FullName: Jerome "Jerry" Longbow
Contact_Title: Associate Professor
Contact_Organization: Devry University
Contact_StreetAddress:1201 South Alma School Road, Suite 5452, Cubicle 23, Desk 2
Contact_City: Mesa
Contact_State: AZ
Contact_ZipCode: 85203
Contact_Country: USA
Contact_WorkPhone: [Omitted]
Contact_HomePhone:[Omitted]
Contact_FAX:[Omitted]
Contact_Email: [Omitted]
Contact_URL: [Omitted]
Personal_DateOfBirth: 11/18/61
Personal_Sex: Male
Personal_Height: 5-11
Personal_Weight: 190 
Personal_HairColor: Brown
Personal_EyeColor: Brown
Born: Steele Indian School, Phoenix Arizona
School: I am college educated
Finances: Doing okay but nothing to brag about

Something Special About Me:

When I was in 4th grade I saw a movie called Nanook of The North.  I remember thinking, "Wow, this Eskimo guy is so cool!"  Our teacher told the class afterwards that Nanook and his family got killed shortly after the movie was made.  We cried and our teacher told us not to cry because Nanook was with God and was happy and warm.  We all felt better after that.    

Minion Application Essay:

Oh how gleefully I gather wisdom as it falls from your web pages.  I am whole, yet somehow a piece of me is lost without you.  These last few months were sheer agony for me as I waited and waited for your return.  I realized in your absence that I never sent in my official minion application.  I just never had the time.  So I now want to set things cosmically straight and join your legion of happy minions.  This doesn't cost any money does it?  I hope not 'cause I'm broke and now have to pay restitution and child support (long story).

Contact_FullName: Will Towsen Kennedy Smith
Contact_Title: Senior
Contact_Organization: Fallston High School
Contact_StreetAddress:[Omitted]
Contact_City: Fallston
Contact_State: MD
Contact_ZipCode: 21047
Contact_Country: USA
Contact_WorkPhone: 
Contact_HomePhone:[Omitted]
Contact_FAX:
Contact_Email: [Omitted]
Contact_URL: 
Personal_DateOfBirth: 4/11/86
Personal_Sex: Male
Personal_Height: 6ft 
Personal_Weight: 245 
Personal_HairColor: Platinum (dyed)
Personal_EyeColor: Blue
Born: Havre de Grace, MD
School: ?
Finances: ? 

Something Special About Me:

I be a wigga yo.

Minion Application Essay:

sup dog! me and my peeps be chillin yo. my cuddies always be illin' on my clothes yo.  damn sly, you lookin beat up from da feet up.  i'm fixin' to go get me some cut up yo.  Dog, that wigga got that hump in the back of his caddy yo.  this is some fly ass chicken, dog.  off the hook for sure!

Contact_FullName: Tom R.
Contact_Title: Real Estate Agent
Contact_Organization: O'Conor, Piper, & Flynn
Contact_StreetAddress:[Omitted]
Contact_City: Annapolis
Contact_State: MD
Contact_ZipCode: 21401
Contact_Country: USA
Contact_WorkPhone: 410-349-[Omitted]
Contact_HomePhone:[Omitted]
Contact_FAX:
Contact_Email: [Omitted]
Contact_URL: 
Personal_DateOfBirth: 1/30/44
Personal_Sex: Male
Personal_Height: 6-2
Personal_Weight: 210 
Personal_HairColor: Bald
Personal_EyeColor: Brown
Born: NYC
School: I am college educated
Finances: Well off

Something Special About Me:

I met Gerald Ford once.  I'm also tri-sexual.     

Minion Application Essay:

The Mooj Weekly Standard is, on the surface, a short, pointless newsletter about a man and the adventure he finds as he wanders symbolically naked through life.  It is, on a higher level, a metaphor for greater new age wisdom and serves as a barometer for our imaginations, which inspires in me thoughtful reflection about truth and holistic poetic justice. It is a sad story in many ways but one worth reading.

Contact_FullName: Roland Remschtein
Contact_Title: Brewmaster
Contact_Organization: Haaf Stadt Brewery
Contact_StreetAddress: 11211 Kreuzstraße 27
Contact_City: Düsseldorf
Contact_State: 
Contact_ZipCode: 
Contact_Country: Germany
Contact_WorkPhone: 0211-131263
Contact_HomePhone:[Omitted]
Contact_FAX:[Omitted]
Contact_Email: [Omitted]
Contact_URL: 
Personal_DateOfBirth: 020258
Personal_Sex: Male
Personal_Height: 189 cm
Personal_Weight: 91 kg 
Personal_HairColor: Brown
Personal_EyeColor: Brown
Born: Mosel Valley, Germany
School: I am college educated
Finances: Doing okay but nothing to brag about

Something Special About Me:

Ich arbeite an der Haaf Stadt Brauerei in Düsseldorf, Deutschland. Ich bin ein nudist. 

  

Minion Application Essay:

Ich bin ein glückliches wanderer auf der Straße zu den riches. Ich mag singen und tanzen. Ich mag auch potaoes essen und Bier trinken. OH-, wie glücklich ich bin!

Contact_FullName: Dr. Alan Guinness
Contact_Title: Renal Surgeon
Contact_Organization: Beaumont Hospital
Contact_StreetAddress: PO Box 1292, Dublin 9
Contact_City: Dublin
Contact_State: 
Contact_ZipCode: 
Contact_Country: Ireland
Contact_WorkPhone: 809 2412/2418
Contact_HomePhone:[Omitted]
Contact_FAX:
Contact_Email: [Omitted]
Contact_URL:
Personal_DateOfBirth: 050251
Personal_Sex: Male
Personal_Height: 200 cm
Personal_Weight: 81 kg 
Personal_HairColor: Red
Personal_EyeColor: Brown
Born: County Kilkenny
School: I am college educated
Finances: Well off

Something Special About Me:

I follow the teachings of Dawn Cartwright.  I also summer in France and will read anything by Eavan Boland, Elizabeth Bowen, Eilísh Dillon or Lady Gregory.  When I was a boy I witnessed a man get run over by a train.  His last words were, "Ni he la na gaofar la na scoilb!"  Also, once when I was at university I saw a woman get run over by an omnibus.  Her last words were, "Slainte chuig na fir, agus go mairfidh na mna go deo!"

Minion Application Essay:

Because love finds its momentum gliding across the abyss created by harmonic duality, what better more challenging way can one find to fulfill our destiny than by initiating the union of man's yin with his female partners yang?  That chasm between love and receptivity is long and treacherous; yet, it is easily spanned using the proper tool and lubricant. No other human experience demands such a tenuous balance between aggressive probing and total surrender.  Believe me I know all this because I'm Irish!

Contact_FullName: Anonymous
Contact_Title: Adjunct Assistant Professor
Contact_Organization: Department of Psychology, Westmont College, Santa Barbara, CA.
Contact_StreetAddress:[Omitted] 
Contact_City: Santa Barbara
Contact_State: CA
Contact_ZipCode: 93106-9660
Contact_Country: USA
Contact_WorkPhone: [Omitted]
Contact_HomePhone:[Omitted]
Contact_FAX:[Omitted]
Contact_Email: [Omitted]
Contact_URL: 
Personal_DateOfBirth: 4/22/85
Personal_Sex: Female
Personal_Height: 5-3
Personal_Weight: None of your business 
Personal_HairColor: Brown
Personal_EyeColor: Brown
Born: San Bernardino, CA
School: I am college educated
Finances: Doing okay but nothing to brag about

Something Special About Me:

 I am proud to say that I belong to the following organizations: 

  • American Psychological Association
  • American Psychological Society
  • Phi Kappa Phi (National Honor Society, Lifetime Member)
  • Psi Chi (National Honor Society in Psychology)
  • Society for Personality and Social Psychology
  • Society for the Psychological Study of Social Issues
  • Society for the Psychology of Women
  • Society for the Teaching of Psychology

Minion Application Essay:

Okay.....face it smoodge.  You need someone like me in your minion program.  You're craaaazy man, craaazy!  

Contact_FullName: Raymond Wozniak
Contact_Title: Software Design Engineer
Contact_Organization: Oracle Corp.
Contact_StreetAddress:[Omitted]
Contact_City: Redwood Shores
Contact_State: CA
Contact_ZipCode: 94065
Contact_Country: USA
Contact_WorkPhone: [Omitted]
Contact_HomePhone:[Omitted]
Contact_Email: [Omitted]
Contact_URL: 
Personal_DateOfBirth: 7/17/73
Personal_Sex: Male
Personal_Height: 5-11
Personal_Weight: 190 
Personal_HairColor: Brown
Personal_EyeColor: Brown
Born: Culver City, CA
School: I am college educated
Finances: Doing okay but nothing to brag about

Something Special About Me:

I'm a software design engineer working on Oracle's new 10i Database Unit. I'm responsible for a bunch of different development tasks, including thinking of new patterns of ones and zeroes for our product's binary codes.  Last week, for example, I came up with the sequence 001110101001110101111010111.  As far as I know no one else has thought of that exact code yet!

Minion Application Essay:

I've been writing a little bit of poetry lately. Want to hear some? Here's a verse that I came up with the other day while smoking dried banana peels and watching Sponge Bob Square Pants:

Hilltop, valley, desolate park
Beggar man, thief, creeps in the dark
His victim silent, bloody, laying dead  
A 38-calliber bullet stuck in his head

I'm not sure where to take it from there, though. I could make it really funny, or kind of sad. I think my poems should offer more of an insight into myself, though. But I'm not sure how people would react if they knew they were actually about me. Here's another one based on a true story:

I got big feet--sho 'nuff I do
I eat lots of mutton, 'cause I am a jew
TV in the background, can you hear it too?
 My palm's bright red 'cause my girlfriends are so few

I think I like the true-story one better. It has a very strong air of realism, don't you think?

Contact_FullName: Andy Hayes
Contact_Title: Lairy Andy
Contact_Organization: Record Company Exec.
Contact_StreetAddress: [Omitted] Pennsylvania Road
Contact_City: Exeter
Contact_State: Devon
Contact_ZipCode: EX4 6BX
Contact_Country: UK
Contact_WorkPhone: 07810 64[Omitted]
Contact_HomePhone: 01392 66[Omitted]
Contact_Email: [Omitted]
Personal_DateOfBirth: 05/10/1978
Personal_Sex: Male
Personal_Height: 6' 4"
Personal_Weight: 11
Personal_HairColor: Blonde
Personal_EyeColor: Blue
Born: Horsham, West Sussex, UK
School: I graduated from a prestigious private college
Finances: Just getting by

Something Special About Me:

My eyes and my hair get me by quite nicely, women love to stair [sic] deeply into them, but i'm far from being a stud. 

Minion Application Essay:

I'm just your average thundercats' ho, nothing special, but music has always been my passion. After a visit to some friends in essex england I started to love pissing people off, but always in a funny way. I'm the laziest person i know, but like a cat, always land on my feet. Being hated is fun, being loved by everyone brings out the worst in me. I think we should all disagree.

Hey guys, guess what!  Mooj minion # 894 sent in a story!  I'm not sure what to think of it since it includes a storyline that isn't exactly void of lewd and/or lusty thoughts.  But it was the only story sent in and beggars can't be choosers.

The Food Court Stud!
by
Mooj Minion # 894

Foreword

The following is my coming of age story. My opus grande, as it were. This story has no lesson or message; it’s just a teenage lust story where a nerd (me) realizes his dream come true and scores with the hottest chick in all of Orange County.  This story takes place during the summer of 1978, when I turned seventeen. That was the summer I got a job at the Westminster Mall food court.  Man, what a summer that was!!!!!

-Minion 894

 

The food court was where all the cool kids worked and getting that job was like a dream come true. It was then for the first time in my life I felt included in something. It was like I was finally allowed into that elite circle of teenagers known as the "in crowd," or "the cool club." But as fun as it was to hang out, listen to Van Halen and get loaded in the parking lot after work there was still something missing in my life. Everyone else at the mall had a summer romance except me. My teenage heart was aching for love and I did everything I could to score with the girls but it wasn't in the stars. By late July I came to terms with my sorry fate and realized that my chances of finding true love were negligible. I felt desperate and dejected.

Then my world changed forever when Madeleine du' Brébant got hired at Hot Dog On A Stick! Within an hour of her arrival in the food court every dude at the mall was there trying to scam on her. She was without a doubt the hottest chick I ever saw!

And then came the fateful day when I was hanging out in the break room sipping on the Orange Julius shake my pal Pedro gave me for free.  It was then that Madeleine walked in with her usual entourage of guys.  She looked so hot dressed in her blue, yellow, white and red Hot Dog On A Stick uniform.  Someone introduced her to me and told her that my name was "Jackhammer." (That was my nickname back then because I could make jackhammer noises.) Madeleine asked me why people called me Jackhammer and I replied: "If you’re lucky, you might just find out." I then walked away as fast as I could. I couldn’t believe I had said that!

Later that night when I was leaving the mall I ran into Madeleine again. She was standing next to the payphones outside Sears smoking a cigarette. She seemed upset and so I asked her what was up and she said that she couldn’t get hold of her sister to give her a ride home. I asked her where she lived and she told me. I then said something like, "That’s on my way home so I can drop you off if you like." [That was a total lie! She lived about 10 miles out of the way!] She accepted.

The whole way there I was sweating bullets. I had never been alone with a girl—never mind a total babe like Madeleine! I don’t think I even said a word. When we finally arrived at her apartment she made it painfully obvious that anything I attempted would be perfectly acceptable. But by then I was in a genuine panic and just sat there frozen like a chunk of ice. I couldn’t even breathe!

While my Ford Pinto idled in front of her apartment complex Madeleine kept saying stuff about jackhammers (using sexual innuendoes). I could tell that she was getting very impatient but what could I do? I was literally freaking out. Finally Madeleine got out of the car and walked away. I knew I totally blew it but at least I could breathe again. The whole way home I felt like the biggest loser in the world.

The next day at work Madeleine was mad and wanted to know what my big fat problem was. She even left me a nasty note on my timecard. I avoided her completely after that. Each day it was pretty much the same thing and then finally she left me a note on my timecard that was nice.  She asked me to stop by and see her at her work.

When I saw her later that afternoon she was standing at the Hot Dog On A Stick counter with her usual group of guys loitering about. She quickly dismissed them and motioned me over. She asked me why I didn't like her and I told her the truth about how shy I was around girls and how I totally panicked the night I gave her that ride home. She laughed and told me that I was totally clueless. She then got this wild look in her eye and said something about turning me into a man. She enjoyed challenges she said.

We both had the next day off so she told me call her to begin my lessons. On the phone she suggested that we go to the mall and walk through the food court holding hands—she thought it would be funny to see everyone’s face and hear the gossip that got started. So we did. 

The following day all the guys in the food court thought I was the coolest dude ever and the girls (who before wouldn’t even give me the time of day) were hitting on me. Overnight I became the food court stud!  Girls were literally following me around and trying to give me their phone numbers.

Madeleine taught me so many things that summer (how to dress, style my hair, kiss, etc.) but the most important thing she taught me was how painful love could be. You see, I fell totally in love with her.  But I was nothing to her; just an experiment.  We spent countless hours together and I thought she really cared about me but she didn't; all she wanted to do was prove to herself that she could turn any dork into a stud.  As soon as I was capable of being the man Madeleine wanted she dumped me. Yeah, I got my share of babes after that but none could compare to her.

Well my ever humble minions, it looks like the time has come to say goodbye.  I had planned a few other features this week but the time is now short and I desire to sleep.

-The Mooj

 


 


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