3-34-MWS

THE MOOJ WEEKLY STANDARD
VOLUME III, No. 34, September 8, 1999
(Free to A Good Home)

Written and Edited by Mujaputtia Umbababbaraba, The Bard of Bukhara

First the good news: The Mooj is alive and well. Now the bad news: The Federal authorities have finally caught up with The Mooj and I am now surrounded by armed guards as I lie in my hospital bed in a full body cast. My hippie pals (the ones that ran me over with their VW microbus) brought me to the hospital as soon as we arrived in Memphis. Within a few hours of my arrival [and admittance into the Intensive Care Unit] my hospital room was crawling with Federal Agents. I have been told that as soon as the doctors feel that it is safe to move me I will be taken back to Chester County and put back into jail. I guess my two months of freedom are finally over.

I can’t say that my re arrest has been totally unpleasant, though. When I “came to” after having all my bones reset I awoke with a new friend sitting by my bedside (he was even holding my hand). His name is J. Edgar Gayson; he claims to be an FBI guy. He seems like a really nice guy—although he is a bit odd, the way he just keeps talking about his boyhood and all.

Well I guess this is it. The gig is up. I’m finally heading home to see all my old pals in The Chester County Jail again. If I had it all to do over again I guess I would have just stayed put in jail. Although, in retrospect, I did have some good times on the road. I can’t thank the good people of Florida, Alabama and Mississippi enough for all their support during these last few weeks. I should also thank Lance Worthy and his grandparents for their help in keeping The Mooj Weekly Standard up and running during my absence. I guess now I’ll have plenty of time to catch up on all my editing and answer the reader mail that piled up while I was away from the office.

I have asked my new pal Agent J. Edgar Gayson if it is possible that I may visit Graceland before we return to Chester County. It would be such a shame to come all the way to Memphis and not see my old stomping grounds. Agent Gayson said that he would “make it happen.”

Also, special thanks to all you minions out there who are sending me Tastykakes. Last week I made mention of my missing Tastykakes and now "care packages" are arriving en masse stuffed to the brim with those wonderful tasty treats. I only wish I could eat them but the doctors tell me I can’t eat solid foods for a few more weeks. My bedside buddy J. Edgar Gayson and the guards posted outside my room are sure enjoying them.

The Mooj Mail Bag

Dear Swami Mooj,

Last week I had an out-of-body experience and wound up returning to the wrong body. Can you use your psychic powers to help me locate my original body? Thanks.

Jean DuLac
Chanute, KS

The Mooj thinks your original body is now occupied by someone else, who had an out-of-body experience at the same time that you did. This happens from time to time and there really isn't anything you can do about it. I suggest you take good care of your "borrowed" body until it can be returned to its rightful owner. (But then again, what the hell—go ahead and eat all the ice cream you want. Gaining a few pounds never hurt anybody.)

Mooj,

I’m a Vice Admiral in the U.S. Navy and I “want to ask” and “I want to tell.” Who should I ask and whom should I tell?

Adm. R.G. “Back Emergency” Mitzowitz
CINCPAC GOPAC, NAVSHIPS 300

The Mooj respects your desire to share your true feelings but The Mooj is unsure just what it is you want to "ask about" and what it is you "want to tell." This doesn't have anything to do with one of those "crossing the line" or "blue nose" ceremonies does it?

Great and Worldly Mooj,

Who was that idiot who wrote in last week about KMET in Southern California? Everyone knows that the mighty MET changed formats over fifteen years ago! Believe it or not I still have a KMET bumper sticker on my car. It’s right next to my KLOS Cheap Trick rainbow sticker. The “Mighty MET” was cool, man, but it’s gone, dude, it’s gone. Life goes on.

Too Hip-Gotta Go,
Frazer Smith
Rancho Cugamunga, CA

The Mooj has no idea what you're talking about.

Mooj,

I need your advice to help navigate through a delicate situation. I currently work for a popular animation studio in Culver City. When I took this job I signed a contract that stipulated that I could never work for any other design or graphics firm that directly competes with this one (if ever I terminate my employment here). I also agreed that I would marry only whom they said I could marry and that all my children would be the rightful property of the company. I also agreed that I would allow a microchip to be implanted in my head, so that my bosses would know of my whereabouts at any given time. Here’s my dilemma: should I change my screensaver to something more snazzy? I feel like spicing things up a bit. What do you think?

Pat-Pong Pete,
Culver City, CA

The Mooj thinks you have some pretty serious problems.

Mooj,

I’m a child prodigy, aged 13. My school guidance councilor told me that I should seek a mentor, whom is much more intelligent than I am. I consulted this year’s MENSA roster and saw that your name was listed in several categories, including “true genius” and “imbecile savant.” I am unfamiliar with your work but would love to find out more about you. Would you consider adopting me as a protégé? I am currently at Duke University studying for my Ph.D. in Cultural Diversity. I am also minoring in ancient Tibetan languages and confined plasma kinetics. I like pokémon stuff, too.

Yours Respectfully,
Trent Handjoy,
Durham, NC

The Mooj would love to take on a new protégé; especially one that's half-way smart. (I won't say that my current protégé is an idiot but he isn't exactly the brightest bulb on the Christmas Tree, if you know what I mean.) I suggest that you begin reading my literary works and we'll talk again once I'm re institutionalized back in the Chester County Jail.

Dear Mooj,

Have you ever heard the old adage that “you can’t take it with you when you’re gone”? All my life I have been a selfish bastard, whom never helped anyone or anything. I have been greedy all my life and I did nothing for anyone less fortunate than myself (despite being filthy rich). But now, as I lay on my deathbed, I feel that I must do something to help those less fortunate than I and so you will find enclosed with this letter a check for $5.00 for your Ling-Ling, the Musical Ape Fund. I have no idea how this money can help save a dead ape but it’s a start. God Bless!

Colgate Winston Howard Kennedy, III.
West Palm Beach, FL

The Mooj and Ling-Ling thank you.

Mr. Mooj,

I came across your web site by accident. What are you, some kind of joker? I like all your phony poems. I showed my wife your Chinese Love Poem and she said it didn’t make any sense (She’s Chinese). She said that you just made up words that sounded Chinese that didn’t really have any meaning. I also like all the stuff you wrote about Florida. I went to The University of Florida and I bleed Gator Orange! I even got a huge Gator tattoo on my stomach. My wife doesn’t care much for college football. Maybe I’ll send her ass back to China until she wises up!

theuniversityoftennesseetotallysucks@aol.com

The Mooj recalls obtaining the Chinese verses for his poem entitled A Chinese Love Poem from an ancient book of Chinese philosophy. If I recall correctly it was written during the Ding Dynasty (circa 444 B.C.) and was probably heavily influenced by Lao Tsing, the singing philosopher. Obviously your wife is unintelligent (or she is just unfamiliar with ancient Chinese philosophy).

Mooj,

What’s the deal with Lance’s Grandma? I speak fluent German and that old woman wasn’t speaking anything even close to resembling German. Is she insane like most of the other people in your ‘secret world’?

Gunter Groussenhoffer
Amsterdam, Netherlands

The Mooj has no idea what you're talking about.

Mooj,

If you’re so psychic how come you can’t sense that you’re an idiot?

The Bagley Sisters
St. Marys, PA.

I'm not sure who these Bagley Sisters are but they sure do seem to write puzzling messages. This is obviously some kind of allegory or metaphor. I'll have to reflect upon it the next time I'm trying to figure out something to think about.

Honorable Mooj,

Last night I attended a Yellow Dog Democrat $50,000 a plate Fund Raiser for Hillary Clinton in Elmira, NY. During her keynote address, Hillary said that we should do everything we can to advance progressive politics and rid our nation of evil right wing bigots. Do you have any special funds that target evil right wing bigots?

Mao-Tse-Hung
Brookhaven Institute

No, The Mooj doesn't get involved with politics.

Mr. Mooj,

I love your newsletters. I, too, am an Uzbekistani-Punjabi immigrant. And like you, I only have an 8th grade education. My only hope is that I can achieve even a fraction of your success. Do you have any special funds that help fellow Uzbekistani-Punjabis?

Jaapar Mogodishingadu
Under Secretary to Donna Shellalah
U.S. Department of Health and Human Services
Washington D.C.

No, The Mooj doesn't get involved with Uzbekistani-Punjabis.

Cook's Corner

Here’s the most healthy thing to come across the Mooj Mail Desk in years:

Cod Liver Oil Popsickles

Dr. Dean O’Doule of Bangor, Maine has found a novel way to get kids to take their daily dose of Cod Liver Oil. He freezes it in the form of a popsickle. Dr. O’Doule says that "most kids take at least three or four licks before they realize it tastes like crap." Dr. O’Doule further stated that "..and three or four licks equals the daily recommended dose of Cod Liver Oil."

Bible Corner

This week's Bible Quiz question comes from Abraham Stoltzfus of Intercourse, PA:

Where in The Bible does it say that Jesus was born on December 25th?

Our Pennsylvania Heritage

Since it looks like I'm headed back to Ol' Chester County I guess I should include a bit or two about Chester County History like I used to back in the old days. Did you know that the biggest land battle fought during the Revolutionary War was fought in Chester County? It was fought on the Brandywine River, near Chadds Ford, PA. General George Washington lost that famous battle and, as a result, The City of Philadelphia was soon captured and occupied by the British. (And Washington and his troops were forced to retreat up to Valley Forge and go into winter quarters.) This battle took place in 1777. If you would like to know more about this battle or other fun facts about Chester County history check out these cool web sites:

Brandywine Battlefield
Valley Forge
More About Valley Forge
General Chester County Info
Chester County History

The Psychic Mooj

To Barry in Hopewell, VA: The feelings of guilt you have are normal. What you did was a wrong but it was just an accident; you need not be ashamed. You are human and all human beings make mistakes. (Yours just happened to involve a busload of wayward high school cheerleaders.)
To Stephanie in Carson City, NV: Stop being so insecure. Nobody is laughing at you behind your back. You are a very positive person and people like you. There is one thing you can do, however, that will make you less vulnerable to inner-office gossip: stop wearing tube tops to work! Hell, woman, you work in a law office!
To Gary S. in Abingdon, MD: Don’t think that your secret late night love affair is secret anymore. There is a surveillance camera located inside the copy room at your work. Expect a bill from the Xerox guy for damages rendered to the copiers when you and “you know who” were doing “you know what.”
To Mocha in Redondo Beach, CA: Great news! A very handsome guy is just about to walk into your life. You will meet this great looking guy at your health club next Thursday, right after you finish your Tae Bo class. You will know him by his long, flowing, blond hair and large biceps. He will also have a really cool tan. Don’t be too aggressive with your mystery man at first; he is very shy. Let him make the first move. Don’t be overly anxious if this guy hardly ever calls you; it’s just his style. He will also treat you pretty rotten in public and be-little you in front of his friends—that, too, is just his style. He might also borrow large sums of money from you and never pay you back. And he will undoubtedly sleep around with dozens of other women while he is dating you. But that’s just his style. What more could you ask for? You can’t find a better guy than this in all of Southern California!
To Jim in Belle Mead, NJ: Make your move already! For years you have been gawking at the lovely Miss K. from afar and she certainly knows you have feelings for her. Go ahead ask her out! Don’t worry if she starts laughing and tells you to take a hike; she’s just playing ‘hard to get.’ You need persistence. Keep after her. Send her flowers. Send her candy. Write her love poems. Tattoo her name on your arm. These are the kind of things women love. When she finally files a restraining order against you, make her jealous by diverting your attention to her younger sister. That always worked for The Mooj. (But then again, maybe it didn’t…I can’t remember anymore.)
To the Brothers of Chi-Psi Fraternity, Georgia Tech: Don’t count on being invited back to anymore exchanges at the Tri-Delta house, at least not until the Rotor-Rooter guy fixes all the toilets you guys plugged-up. My advice to you next time is avoid social exchanges where the sorority is serving Mexican food and large quantities of tequila.

Uzbekistani-Punjabi Pride

People often ask me if I was born in Uzbekistan. The answer is no. I was actually born in Turkmenistan and my family immigrated to Uzbekistan when I was only a few months old. My parents were forced to work as environmental engineers for the Aral Sea Conservation Corps and then my brothers and I were drafted into the Soviet Olympic National Hockey Team. (This was because of our superior athletic ability. All Umbababbarabababugida males have this natural athletic ability.) Few people know this but did you know that I was the only person in the history of Olympic sports to skate for both the Soviet Olympic National Hockey Team and the Soviet Olympic National Curling Team? (I eventually had to drop off the Curling team due to injuries.) Back in those days Uzbekistan was still part of the dreadful Soviet empire and my brothers and I dreamed of a better life in America. Our chance to defect came during the 1964 Winter Olympics in Innsbruck. This was a devastating blow to the Soviet Olympic National Hockey Team because all six of us Umbababbarabababugida boys were the starting line for the team.

To help deceive Soviet operatives in America, the U.S. State Department separated all us Umbababbarabababugida boys and gave us new “American-sounding names.” I was given the name Richard Cunnigham and sent to live in Raweigh, New Jersey. Since I had absolutely no schooling I was sent to Raweigh Elementary School to complete my education. I graduated from Raweigh Elementary School (1st in my class of 8th graders I’ll have you know) in 1973 at the age of 26. I decided to for-go high school since I figured I was smart enough already.

The rest is history. Those you who are charter subscribers to The Mooj Weekly Standard know about all my adventures in America since then. If you would like to know more about my early life in America I suggest you check The Mooj Archives.

Poetry at Large

A Wee Ditty about My Present Situation

Here I lie all broken down,
Beneath my cast, I wear a frown

In this bed, I await my fate
The hour of my redemption is getting late

From the mid-Atlantic to the gulf coast sea
I saw the wonders of America, free

And now with heart, it heavy be
I know a jail cell waits for me

I’ll do my time, that I know
Until my next escape—then westward ho!

Closing Thoughts

Well I guess this will have to do it for this week. By my next newsletter I should be home, or somewhere in between. I certainly hope I don’t have to stay here in the Memphis General Hospital for much longer; I just can’t take too much more of J. Edgar Gayson’s continuous babbling. For six straight days he has done nothing but sit next to me and tell me his life story. I can’t do anything but lay here and roll my eyes (which he can’t see because of my full body cast). At first I found him interesting but after hearing his life story over and over again (about how his mom never got him a dog, or bigwheel, or whatever) I just can’t take much more. I’ve even tried nibbling on one of my weight bag ropes, hoping the bag would fall and knock him unconscious. What’s worse is that the idiot knows exactly how I feel since he’s typing this now as we speak [I’m dictating the newsletter to him]. Oh well. All-in-all, it will be nice to get home on any account. Until next week, good luck and good health!

Return to Archives Page Go to Mooj Poems Return to Mooj Homepage

Si Quaeris-Peninsulam Amoenam, Circumspice

Take A Stand! The Mooj Needs Your Help, Yet Again! Help Support The All New Mooj Freedom Network!

If you would like to donate your time, home, or hard-earned money to the All New Mooj Freedom Network, please contact Lance Worthy at lance@mooj.com.

All donations are tax deductible (if you can figure a way to do it).

See Blues Sensation Howlin’ Mooj*

(The Rightful King o’ the Delta Blues)

Playing every night this week at BJ’s Chicken Shack, behind the Tasty Freeze in Greenwood, Mississippi

“Rare raw talent, you don’t see that much around here anymore, at least not by some weirdo dancing around naked, playing a guitar while doing kung-fu type stuff.” BJ—owner of BJ’s Chicken Shack
“Muddy Waters, Willie Dixon, Hubert Summlin, B.B. King, they was all good but none of them was as good as this guy. He sure knows how to play guitar and do karate.” Fred—some guy who saw Howlin’ Mooj perform once.
“This man is living the blues, you can tell by the way he looks and smells. I mean he sounds pretty sad, don’t you think?” Jake—some guy that was hanging out with Fred.

All Seats $5, No Women or Children
See the legendary Howlin’ Mooj before he wanders off in a drunken stupor to someplace else.

*The Real Mooj reminds Mooj Weekly Standard readers that this "Howlin' Mooj" is an impostor. The Mooj Justice League is currently pursuing legal action against J.J. Bigsby (and a few other fake Moojs) to prevent them from using The Mooj's trademarked name.