The Mooj Weekly Standard  
Written and Edited by Mujaputtia Umbababbaraba
Volume III, No. 19, May 24, 1999
C'est Mooj!

First things first. All The Mooj can say is, "Sorry fellas!"  All week The Mooj Mailbag has been filling up with nasty emails from chumps that wuz dumped.  Most of you may recall that last week The Mooj made available to his female minions a quiz used by clients of the Mooj Matchmaking Service to rate their prospective mates.  Now Mooj minion women are dumping their deadbeat boyfriends left and right.  

I was also sent many inquiries about what to do if a certain "boyfriend" scored over 300 but less than 400.  The Mooj can only say that it means your man is "probably perfectly acceptable to you if you don't mind the fact that he isn't perfect."  The Quiz is mathematically engineered so that 75% of men should fall into that "gray area."  If your man scored over 400 he ranks in the upper 99-percentile of all eligible men (it would make him almost Mooj-like).  I only know of one fellow who got a negative score.  The boys in the sewing shop are making him a T-shirt that says: "Big Time Chump."  Let The Mooj know if any other guys scored less than zero and we'll send him a T-shirt, too.              

Mooj's Mailbag
My Dear Mooj,

Is it possible that your are my long lost son, for whom I spent thousands of dollars and the best years of my life searching?  As I read your touching prose, I see the sweet innocent spirit of my little son,  Mujaputtia Umbababbarabababugida. I know this is not an uncommon name and it is possible I am mistaken but the depth of your wisdom and the unfailing kindness that surfaces in all you poetry, so resembles that of my darling boy.  I dare not raise my hopes... but, alas, I have already done so....If this is you Mujaputtia, I must say I am distressed to find you in jail.  The last known trace of you was at the Ashram in Ramrama. Whatever is your crime, I am already convinced of your innocence, as your pure spirit has remained so obviously intact.  I will come to your next parole hearing and play the flute while you do your dance.  Surely they will set you free after perceiving your boundless talent for self expression.  I must also say I am distressed to learn you have shortened your name. After all, you were named  in honor of both your grandfathers and they are surely showering their blessings on you now.  However, Mujaputtia, if I am in error, and you are not the son of my soul, please disregard this message!

Sincerely,
Pretty Mamaji 

[Editor's Note: Yes, it is I your humble son Mujaputtia.  I was ashamed and afraid that you would disown me when you learned of my jailing.  Rest assured Mamaji, I am now a changed man.  In fact, I will even refund the $100 you sent me for my Save The Eastern Pennsylvania Rain Forest Fund.]

I admonish you once again to take me off your list and stop sending things to me." (Mark B.)

Mooj, I'm curious as to why your web page only has a few of your old newsletters on it.  How come you don't archive Volumes I and II (not to mention Volume III, Numbers 1 - 14)? (Rube H.)

[Editor's Note: The Mooj did not retain copies of newsletters published before April 19, 1999 for legal reasons.  If you have in your possession electronic back issues please email them back to me and I will post them.]

Poetry Corner 
"Poetry can soothe the savage beast," so sayeth the Great poet Homer Winslow.  I'd like to think so and, thus, am allowing The Chester County SWAT to broadcast my poetry from loud speakers during hostage negotiations.  A pilot program is currently underway here in Chester County to see if lives can be spared using my poetry as a negotiating tool.  To wit the SWAT has used my poetry in two deadly sieges.  I was told that in both cases the gunmen gave themselves up without a fight.  (The point I'm unclear on is whether the criminals gave up so that they could hear more or less of my poetry.)

A few more poems fell into The Mooj Mail Bag this week.  A newly organized Mooj Poetic League is now sifting through collected poetry and sorting the prose based on merit.  So far only a handful of poems have made it into the "good enough not to be thrown into the folder marked crap" category.  Hopefully, soon, another fine gem with surface.  Perhaps my sister Poonam can bless us once again now that she has quit her job at the toothbrush factory.

Cop Beat
Mooj, just thought you might want to know about an intellectual conversation I overheard while working at the Delaware County Jail last week.  While I was waiting inside the "intake floor" of the jail, I couldn't help but overhear an enthralling conversation between two newly appointed inmates.  For lack of a better term I will call one of our conversationalists the "protagonist" and the other conversationalist will, of course, be the "antagonist."  The protagonist was a white homeless male who was very dirty.  Quite like the famed "Aqualung," the protagonist did in fact have snot running down his nose.  He smelled of (in no order of importance) urine, booze, grease, sh_t, foot fungus, body odor, bad breath, and general funk.  His crime was public intoxication.  The "antagonist" was another white male.  He was in jail for drunk driving.  He looked very respectable.  A suit and tie kind-o-guy;  very well groomed and very much out of place next to the protagonist.  The antagonist looked as if he may barf at any time due to his level of intoxication coupled with the bombardment of his olfactory senses by the protagonist.  To make a long story short the protagonist said (to no one in particular): "It is fun to sh_t in your hand and squeeze it."  Then he seemed to reflect on his previous squeezings with a certain fondness.  The appalled antagonist replied: "That's stupid."  A gleeful protagonist then countered: "If it's stupid but feels good, then it's not stupid."

[Editor's Note: I have no idea why someone would send this in to me unless it had something really important to teach me.  I sat up all night reflecting upon the hidden meaning of this allegory.  But, alas, The Mooj is at a loss!  Rarely if ever does The Mooj ask for assistance in matters of the mind but this time I'm afraid I'll have to.  If you can help The Mooj discover the hidden meaning of this narrative I shall gladly send you one of the two remaining "Mooj for West Chester City Selectman" bumper stickers that I have stored under my mattress.]

ASK THE MOOJ 

I heard that Dana Plato died from hemlock poisoning, but then I thought maybe it was Dana Socrates.  As with most aspects of my life I consulted the Mooj page for guidance when I don't know an answer, but I found no reference to Dana.  Didn't you have an essay on her "wit and wisdom" once? 

"Hopeless without your insight"

Ah, you must be a charter subscriber to Mooj Weekly Standard for it is true that in my first or second issue I did dedicate an essay to Diff'rent Strokes child star Dana Plato.  The Mooj Memory Bank now feels that it is in bad taste to republish this essay following Dana's untimely death.  However, since the essay was general in nature and, in fact, didn't even mention Dana Plato, it will now be renamed The Wit and Wisdom of Todd Bridges, a co-star of that popular TV sitcom.  This essay is available through The Mooj Memory Bank.

The Mooj's Stock Picks 
A shocking rise in the consumer price index roiled markets last week and led many analysts to declare that low-inflation days are near an end.   Meanwhile, a big surge in April's industrial output added to fears of a too-hot economy.   The CPI jumped a fat 0.7% in April, the largest monthly rise since October 1990. That's a lot more than the 0.5% gain expected in the consensus forecast and far higher than March's modest 0.2% rise.  Year over year, the CPI leapt 2.3%.  In March, the year-over-year rise was just 1.7%.  Inflation fears also pushed prices of U.S. government securities lower last week and the benchmark 30-year bond yield to its highest level in almost a year. What does all this mean? Many analysts predicted Fed policy-makers would respond to the gains by announcing a shift toward a tighter monetary bias after they met last Tuesday.  But the Fed did nothing.  So The Mooj once again says toss your hard earned cash into the stock market.  This week's picks are DANB, OCLR, CSCO and GPS.
 Closing Thoughts 
Before The Mooj signs off he'd like to pass along some special thoughts and prayers to a friend.  He's a police officer who was recently injured in the line of duty (actually, he was "beaten up" by a one legged woman).  I'm still trying to get all the grizzly details about this terrible ordeal; perhaps he'll share the story with us in our next Cop Beat.

 

Return to The Mooj Homepage