VOLUME III, No. 35, September 15, 1999
(Free to A Good Home)

Thanks again to all my minions back in Pennsylvania, whom have been sending me care packages.  The Mooj can't thank you  guys enough for all the items people are sending me to help ease my homesickness.  One thing I should point out, however, is that it really isn't a good idea to send genuine Philly cheesesteaks through the mail.  Most arrive either spoiled or too soggy to eat. (I appreciate the thought, though.)

Dear Mooj,

When I lay awake at night I sometimes have a vision.  It’s hard to describe; perhaps it isn’t so much a vision as it is a giant macramé basket that hangs above my bed.  What does it all mean?
 
The Mooj thinks it means you drink too much.  The Mooj also thinks it's time to redecorate your house with things made popular since the 1970s.



Dearest Mooj,

I’m in love with the most fantastic woman in the world.  She has beautiful green eyes, brown hair and a perfect body.  Every hour of every day all I do is think of her.  Never have I wanted anyone or anything as much as I want this girl but I cannot marry her.  My mother would never accept this woman because she is a SMIB (Southern Maryland Inbred).  I met her at the regatta in St. Mary’s City last year.  (I saw her shucking crabs on a buoy from my yacht and immediately fell in love with her.)  What should I do?  If I marry her I'll risk losing my entire family fortune.  My mother has already disinherited several of my brothers for marrying SMIBs.  Oh, if only life were fairer.

Calvert Carroll Kennedy-Towson,
The 18th Lord of Baltimore

The Mooj thinks you should follow your heart.  Wealth and material things at the end of your life will have no value.  The only thing you will think about are the relationships you built and maintained over the course of your life.  I would, however, advise you against getting involved with a SMIB.  The Mooj knows of no good that can possibly come of this relationship.  Plus, SMIBs are now considered an endangered eco-system, since many have been marrying out of traditional SMIB families.  According to The Wicomico County Heritage Society, Southern Maryland is losing more than fifty to sixty SMIBs a year due to outer-marriage.     



Dear Mooj,

I’m very upset.  I’m usually not one to complain but feel that someone has got to say something.  Normally our church has very traditional music but last month we got a new music director and he ‘modernized’ things.  Now instead of simple guitar Masses we’re getting heavy metal-head banger Masses.  Both my wife and I walked out of Mass last Sunday (as did most of the congregation) during the offertory “whah-whah pedal” solo.  I know our church is trying to attract younger people but isn’t this going too far?

Stefan and Midge,
Fallston, MD

The Mooj understands your worries.  But don't forget that the elders of your church had the very same reaction when guitar Masses were first introduced.  And, I'm sure there was a similar reaction when organ and/or piano music was first played.  Open your mind and allow the next generation of church-goers to have some fun.  



Yo Mooj,

Back during the ‘60s I smoked a lot of dope.  I was also really into that “free love” thing too.  Now that my son is a teenager I wonder if I should allow him to experiment with sex and drugs like I did when I was his age.  I don’t see any harm in this because I turned out okay.  What do you think?

Lost in Outer Space,
Fhjorja Fhjangji
Culver City, CA

The Mooj is very much against all forms of recreational and non recreational drug use.  If I'm not mistaken aren't you the same Fhjorja Fhjangji who writes in from time to time asking who "the voices in your head" are telling you to seek revenge on?  That doesn't sound too normal to me.

   
Dear Mooj,

Whenever I meditate I have a hard time focusing.  My mind is cluttered with images of past transgressions toward my fellow man and I cannot escape from those awful memories.  What can I do to purify my soul?  Will I ever be able to escape this sense of guilt or is this just the price one has to pay for having been an Amway salesman?

Stevie Ritter,
Casper, WY

The Mooj thinks you need to send away for my latest video: Meditating Your Way Around Repressed Memories.  Although it is not directed toward your particular situation it does have a pretty cool interview with Roseanne Barr (or someone that looks like her anyway).  Contact The Mooj Self Realization Network for more information (if they're still around).  

 
Swami Mooj,

The path to inner peace is a crowded one lately.  Last night as I was meditating I came across the realization that nirvana isn’t like it used to be.  They seem to let just about anyone in there now and people just don’t seem to care about cleaning up after themselves anymore.  Please let your minions know that this in unacceptable behavior.  I suggest that we Swamis meet in the near future to discuss this issue.

Yours in harmonious truth,
Swami Rammi Goldstein
Century City, CA

The Mooj agrees and will communicate with you telepathically as soon as I can.  Oh, by the way Swami Rammi, I loved your latest book, How to Steal Good Karma.  It was pretty deep.

 
Mr. Mooj,

I have no idea who you are or what scam you’re trying to pull off.  All I know is that my elderly mother has been sending you lots of money lately.  Last week I even caught her sending a package of Tastykakes and Utz potato chips to you.  I think you should be ashamed of yourself ripping off an old lady like that.  I notified the federal authorities about you and they told me that my complaint would have to wait because you were already wanted on dozens of other Federal and local warrants.  The person I talked to on the phone was very aware of your scams and told me that because my mother has sent in over $10,000 that she is considered a Mooj Super Fund Gold Star Winner and entitled to a “Mooj for West Chester Selectman” bumper sticker.  I want that bumper sticker mister!  Or else!

Bufford T. Foster
Avondale Township, PA

The Mooj agrees.  However, The Mooj ran out of Mooj for West Chester Selectman bumper stickers a few months ago.  I have written to my trusty sidekick back home in Pennsylvania and he will send your mom one of his Lance Worthy T-shirts.  (I don't think there's anything on the T-shirt; I think it's just a T-shirt that Lance Worthy wore once.  Check with Lance for more details.)   

 
Mooj,

I remember my first time, too.  I was only 13 years old and Suzy Maxon called me on the telephone and told me to come on over to her house because her parents were out for the night.  I rode right over on my bicycle and snuck in through her bedroom window.  It was unforgettable!  We couldn’t stop; we kept at it for hours.  Finally our bodies just couldn’t take any more—we were just too full.  I couldn’t believe how good that chili really was!  Now every time I eat Skyline Chili I can’t help but think back to that night and remember how cute Suzy Maxon looked with her face all covered with spaghetti and chili.  And oh, by the way, Suzy Maxon.... She’s now Mrs. Randy Wheelock!

Randy Wheelock,
Cincinnati, OH

The Mooj has no idea what you're talking about.



Hey Mooj,

Last weekend I took my wife and kids down to Brandywine Battlefield.  I asked the lady at the gift shop if I was eligible for a Mooj Head discount and she snapped at me.  She said that she had no idea who “Mooj” was or how it was that all his minion idiots were now showing up trying to get discounts.  She was really quite peeved.  I hope we don’t get the same treatment down at Valley Forge next weekend, when we try to use our Mooj Head discount there.

Luke N.
Kulpsville, PA

There is confusion here.  The Mooj never said that you would get a discount at Brandywine Battlefield for being a Mooj Head.  Not even The Mooj gets a discount, and I'm a member of The Chester County Historical Preservation Society.   



Mooj,

I am furious at you!  How in the world could you tell a 15-year-old girl that it is okay to get tattooed from head to foot???  My daughter Mandolin told me that you're the one that told her she should do it.  She has also gotten several parts of her body pierced because you told her that would be a good idea, too.  ARE YOU INSANE???  How in the World is she ever going to be able to find a decent job now?  They don't hire people covered with tattoos at Wal-Mart!

A very angry parent in Delta, PA

The Mooj has no idea what you're talking about.  I never told anyone anything about getting tattooed.  Don't forget that there's another Mooj out there (The Evil Mooj I call him).  Perhaps your daughter mistakenly sent her letter to him and he told her to do it.

At a very early age I knew I wanted to be a stuntman.  While growing up on my grandfather's farm in Bird in Hand, PA I was often the scorn of many of the older Amish in my community for they found my stunts to serve no useful purpose.  But most of the Amish teenagers loved to watch me perform. Since we had no television I was unaware that people were actually making a good living doing what I was doing for free.  One day a big city TV crew came out to do a documentary on barn raising and they stuck around to watch me perform one of my famous buggy jumps.  The producer fellow told me afterwards that he never saw anything so crazy in all his life.  He called me The Amish Evel Knievel and told me that I could make a fortune out west.  I had never heard of Evel Knievel so I sent away for his autobiography and studied his methodology.  Finally, at the age of 18 I was sent off to decide if the Amish lifestyle was right for me.  Instead of going on a 6-day drinking binge like most of my fellow brethren, I went to stuntman school.  Within a short time I was told by the school director that I had what it took to make it in the movies and so I made the difficult decision to leave Bird in Hand and drive out to Hollywood, CA.  (It was a very long drive since I did it with a horse and buggy.)  Well, the rest is history.  I arrived in Hollywood without a cent to my name and couldn't find a stuntman job anywhere.  Finally I did what I had to do to survive and ..., well you know...wound up doing stunt work in the porno business.  The Mooj told me I could only have 400 words for this article and this last word is number 400.  Maybe next week The Mooj will let me finish my story.

As all of you know last week The Mooj was being held in the Memphis General Hospital.  Since I was in a full body cast I could do nothing but lie in bed while armed guards stood watch at all the windows and doors.  Escape was nearly impossible.  But then I got help from an unlikely accomplice—J. Edgar Gayson, himself!  For over a week Gayson sat at my bedside and shared with me his innermost thoughts.  Finally he broke down and began sobbing uncontrollably and told me that he had a plan that would save me from jail.  (I’m not sure why Gayson would turn against his colleagues like he did; but I didn’t care—I would have done anything by that point to get the hell out of that room and away from that blabbering idiot.)  Gayson sent off a secret message to The New Mooj Freedom Network outlining his secret plan, which they readily accepted.  Money was quickly diverted from The Mooj Save The Eastern Pennsylvania Rainforest Fund (which had just collected a bonanza from the estate of some big-wig down in Bowling Green, KY) to The New Mooj Freedom Network.  The plan was then put into action.

The plan was simple and therefore practically foolproof.  At the appointed hour Gayson cut me out of my full body cast and took my place inside.  I patched up the cast and then put on Gayson’s clothing.  I then rang for the nurse.  When she entered the room I told her to “watch over The Mooj while I step outside to get something to eat.”  The plan worked: I walked straight out of the hospital and climbed into The Mooj Freedom Bus #2, which was waiting outside. (My hippie pals were still in town and agreed to drive me from the hospital to safety for a sizable amount of money.)  No one suspected a thing and the next day the full body cast containing Gayson was flown back to Pennsylvania.  Since I am not scheduled to have the cast removed for another six weeks or so, no one will know that it is Gayson inside until then.

The Mooj Freedom Bus #2 drove straight out of Memphis and into Arkansas.  There, The New Mooj Freedom Network arranged for a surgeon to secretly reset my bones and put me into a new full body cast.  I was one hurting unit by then but I was a free man again and so the pain was bittersweet.

The New Mooj Freedom Network is a much better organized body than the previous Mooj Freedom Network.  Several safe houses were quickly established along potential escape routes and an elite management team has been flown into Little Rock, Arkansas to oversee the operation.  Advance teams were also sent to St. Louis, MO; Decatur, IL; Des Moines, IA; Topeka, KS; Baton Rogue, LA and Houston, TX to prepare for additional resources that might be needed when I am moved either north or west.  Medical supplies and fresh bandages are also being staged at various points along my potential escape routes to ensure that my therapeutic needs are taken care of.  The New Mooj Freedom Network has spared no expense to ensure that everything works according to their plan.

The exact escape route remains even a mystery to me.  At every mile or so my driver is required to stop and call a special 800 number from a pay phone, where he is given detailed instructions on where to find the next pay phone.  Several other VW microbuses have been purchased and have been painted to look like the original Mooj Freedom Bus #2.  Mooj-look-a-likes, recruited from homeless shelters, are also being wrapped in full body casts and placed in these decoy microbuses so that they can be driven along the different escape routes leading out of Memphis.  As of now (approximately two days from my escape) the New Mooj Freedom Network has spent well over $5 million dollars and I am only about 26 miles from Memphis (hiding in Forrest City, Arkansas).

Sources inside Chester County Jail reported to the New Mooj Freedom Network that my full body cast arrived without incident and was taken directly to the Chester County Jail infirmary.  Guards were immediately posted at its bedside and the Pennsylvania National Guard was called up to patrol the perimeter of the jail.  Meanwhile, I'm resting peacefully and catching up on all my poetry and editing.

The Mooj has no idea where The New Mooj Freedom Network will move me next.  I only hope that we can get as far west as possible before they realize that it is not I inside that body cast. 

I have enclosed a poem that I feel truly expresses the inner child in all of us:

One day for our class show and tell,
I brought in a large empty shell,
I broke down and cried,
'cuz my turtle died,
and all that remained was the awful smell.
 

I get a little misty every time I read it.  I was in a "special place" when I wrote that.

- by an anonymous person named Jane.

The mysterious "33," what does it mean?

The "33" has appeared on the back of Rolling Rock bottles since 1939.  For over 50 years Pennsylvanian beer drinkers have pondered this ancient mystery. Some of the more popular theories as to what this "33" means include:
 

• Prohibition was repealed in 1933.
• There are 33 words in the Rolling Rock Pledge (including rolling rock).
• 33 letters compose the ingredients: water, malt, rice, hops, corn, brewers' yeast.
• The "33" was used in typesetting to signify the end of a document.  It was an accident that it appeared on the first batch of bottles. Apparently it was too expensive to have them removed, so the "33" stuck.
• 33 was the union's local number for workers at the brewery.

Until next week, I wish you and yours a happy, healthy week.