Greetings Mooj Minions!

I have no idea what I'll write about so you'll have to forgive me if I sound like I have no clue what I'm doing.  Just so you know where I'm coming from I should tell you that I'm only 13 years old and am a certified boy genius.  The Mooj is my mentor but I doubt I stick with him for long.  The more I find out about him the more I suspect that he really isn't all that smart.  I admit that he has above average intelligence but I would have to really question whether or not he is really a certified MENSA genius like myself.  In truth, just about anyone can get into MENSA these days.

I have read many of The Mooj's scientific papers and sense that he did at one time possess a general knowledge of applied science and mathematics.  But with the passage of time these skills must have dwindled because just about everything he has written is seriously flawed in one way or another.  It's almost as if he goes out of his way to hide his imbecility inside something that one might consider half-way brilliant.  Usually I have to read his stuff over and over again to detect these flaws—and they're only discovered after spending days on end refining or redoing his work.

Most of you are probably too ignorant to realize that The Mooj is only pretending to be smart (I base that observation on a quick look through the Mooj Mail Bag).  For example, many of you think that The Mooj is some great Latin scholar because he usually begins his newsletters with a snazzy Latin phrase.  The Mooj may understand Latin but I doubt it. These Latin phrases are actually state mottos in which he has inserted the word "Mooj" to make it seem as if he's saying something prophetic about himself.

But I'm being unfair.  Most of you need The Mooj to be smart since he is so embedded into your poor, pathetic lives.  I hope I don't shatter any of your illusions this week; I hope only that I can help some of you mindless minions recognize for yourselves that The Mooj is really just like you and not a certified true genius like myself.

To prove that I really have your best interests at heart I am going to do something very special in this newsletter: I am going to interpret this whole "Mooj thing" for you.  A quick peek in The Mooj Mailbag revealed many things, besides that the average intelligence of a typical Mooj Head is pretty low.  Most, if not all of you seem confused about all the intermingled adventures and people that The Mooj has somehow gotten himself involved with during his recent escape from The Chester County Jail.  Since I have an IQ of 320 I think that many of you "less intelligent" persons out there will appreciate my insights.  I assure you that my observations will be consistent and objective.

But first, since it is sort of a tradition I will post a few random samplings of email deposited into The Mooj Mailbag.  (Actually they are not random at all.  I have selected only a few items where it seemed obvious to me that the person writing the message was asking about something based in reality.  I felt that it was below my station as a true boy genius to answer the balance of the mail, which contained, in large part, the ramblings of idiots in search of jollies.)

Mooj,

Are you the same dude that used to do psychic demonstrations on the sidewalk in front of Larry Blake's in Berkley back in the 80's?  Dude, you were awesome!  I was on work release at the time and your shows really kept me going.  I know a lot of the people were skeptical but you proved yourself every time.  Like that time that you guessed the sexual orientation of the entire Women's Studies Department at UC Berkley.  I know they were pissed but I was blown away.  If you remember I was the dude that gave you my coat when those chicks wearing flannel tore your clothes off.  (Dude, you should have seen that coming.)  Anyway, I blew parole in CA and now live in Oklahoma on a commune devoted to the restoration of the Pigmy Buffalo to its former range.  I've been following your flight from the man and now that you are in Oklahoma I was wondering if you could return my coat.  I mean, it was a loner dude, and it's been more than ten years.

Peace,

Richy H,
Somewhere in Oklahoma

Mr. H., I seriously doubt that The Mooj would still have your coat after all these years.  Or better yet that he would have it on his person as he wanders through Oklahoma dressed like a caveman.  As soon as I meet The Mooj I will ask him about your coat (but if I were you I wouldn't get my hopes up).  I also wouldn't get your hopes up about restoring the Pigmy Buffalo to its former range since it has been extinct for about 2 million years. 



Dearest Mooj,

I am in the process of opening my very own "SHAMMY JAMMIE" store and have a question only the Mooj could answer....I often see the sign "NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE," outside many retail establishments...Does that mean that people who are wearing shirts, shoes but no pants can be served?

Thanks so much for your newsletter,
Katishka Punjambeiiiii

According to Public Law 34-342 only establishments which serve food must meet these type of sanitary requirements.  OSHA CFR 1900-234 written in 1974 to address this issue states only that shoes and shirts must be worn; nowhere does it mention pants or other undergarments.  It also doesn't specify what is constituted a "shoe" or "shirt."  Interestingly enough The Supreme Court took up this issue in Roe vs. Dennys, where it was ruled that a restaurant has the right to choose for themselves what they consider a shoe and shirt.



Mr. Umbababbaraba:

Last week I sat in horror as a journalism student from The University of Maryland entered my office and started asking questions about a long ago fire that burned down a popular skating rink here in Boca Raton.  For years I have lived in self-imposed shame for what happened during that trial, which in my opinion was a complete miscarriage of justice.  Being asked about that fire again after all these years has given me a chance to somehow make amends.  It is now time to finally tell the truth and do my job.

Back in the summer of 1977 I was a young zealous attorney just out of law school.  I had just passed the bar and been hired as a prosecutor by the Palm Beach County District Attorney’s Office.  This was my first case and  I wanted more than anything to prove that I was a tough prosecutor.  It was an open and shut case as far as the DA was concerned—the evidence was so overwhelming that there was no doubt in anyone’s mind that Caufield was guilty.  In fact, he was just about to sign the confession when somehow he overheard that someone else had confessed to the crime. Caufield nonchalantly scratched his name off the confession statement and then sat back in his chair smug as an alley cat knowing that he had somehow dodged a bullet.

The person confessing to the crime (that being you) was put on trial and it became a circus.  Never in my life did I ever see such ridiculousness.  Caufield was called as a surprise witness for the prosecution and was allowed to testify for three straight days.  He made absolutely no sense whatsoever.  Even though I was winning my case against you I knew in my heart that Caufield was guilty and that you, a poor half-wit Uzbekistani-Punjabi patsy, were getting railroaded.  I wanted to stop the madness but I knew better; I knew that Caufield was an important contributor to the Mayor’s upcoming election campaign and that if I wanted to advance my career within the Palm Beach County District Attorney’s Office that I had to play the game.  Needless to say you were easily convicted and I won my first case.  But there was no celebration that night in the DA’s office—we all felt terrible and knew that we had dishonored our profession.

I should remind you, however, that you never served a day for that crime.  Even though you were found guilty and sentenced to 18 months you were quickly exempted from obligated jail service due to you status as a political asylum awardee.  The State Department immediately took you from Boca Raton and relocated you to a secret location on the Gulf Coast (Soppchoppy I think it was).

I cannot put into words how sorry I am that I vigorously prosecuted you for a crime that I (and just about everyone else in Palm Beach County) knew you didn’t commit.  To set things right I am having Holden Caufield removed from his retirement home (he’s 93 years old now) and put back on trial for the Ponsitron Roller Rink Fire.  He will not escape justice any longer!

Jefferson Davis Cochran
District Attorney, Palm Beach County
 
I am glad to hear that the wheels of justice are turning in favor of The Mooj for once.  When I first read through old Mooj newsletters I was puzzled by the overlap in time that seemed to be taking place during the summer of 1977.  This was because The Mooj claimed to be living in three separate places at once during August of 1977.  For example, The Mooj claimed in one of his newsletters that he worked in Boca Raton, FL as a disc jockey when the song Don't It Make Your Brown Eyes Blue was popular.  That song didn't come out until June of 1977.  The newspaper account describing the Ponsitron fire mentioned that The Mooj had attempted to do a motorcycle jump in the parking lot of the roller rink after seeing "the Fonz" perform a similar stunt in the parking lot of Arnold's on the TV show called Happy Days.  That show aired February 14, 1975 and was not yet into syndication during the summer of 1977.  Therefore, if true, The Mooj would have had to have been living in Boca Raton for at least two years.  Then I read a few weeks later that The Mooj lived in Sopchoppy, FL from August of 1977 to June of 1979.  Clearly inconsistent!  And then to further confuse the issue The Mooj had the audacity to claim that he was Elvis Presley's body guard until the day Elvis died (which just so happened to be August 18, 1977).  Knowing now that Caufield lied about the whole "Mooj working at the Ponsitron Roller Rink thing" and that The Mooj was quickly relocated to Soppchoppy, FL after the trial puts everything in order and now it all makes perfect sense.  (But then again it doesn't.)

 

Mooj,

I just got diagnosed with multiple personality disorder.  Me, too.  And me, too!  Yeah so did I.  I’m not sure what to do.  Me either.  Yeah, that goes for me, too.  And me too.  The worst thing about having multiple personalities is that my doctor is now charging me separately for each personality.  Yeah, me, too!  And me.  And me, too.  Is that ethical?

Your Pal,
Ken, Kerry, Kelly and Fujistsu
Glen Falls, NY

Absolutely not!  You should report your doctor immediately to the AMA Board of Psychiatric Fellows.



Hey Mooj,

I’m new in town.  Where can I go for a good time (if you know what I mean).

Henny Pearson,
Salt Lake City, UT

I'm only 13 years old (and so I don't know what you mean).

Is The Mooj a real person?

Probably, but you shouldn’t be so stupid as to believe that he is actually an Uzbekistani-Punjabi.  The name Umbababbaraba has ethnic origins that are more closely related to central India rather than the Indus Valley in the north, where an Uzbekistani-Punjabi would most likely live.  I did an Internet search on the name "Umbababbaraba" [and "Umbababbarabababugida," since that's the original spelling] and found a few dozen people by that name living in New Delhi, India and absolutely none living in either Uzbekistan or the Punjab.  Strangely enough I discovered that the largest concentration of Umbababbarabas [and Umbababbarabababugidas] can be found in the Chicago metropolitan area (Evanston and Wilmette mostly).  I called a few random Umbababbaraba phone numbers and was told that most had emigrated from Canada.  I decided it wasn’t worth spending any more time on this issue so it’s up to you to find out more about these Umbababbarabas if you so desire.  (None of the Umbababbarabas that I talked to had ever heard of  “The Mooj,” one did, however, admit that he saw a Lance Worthy video.)

Why was The Mooj in Jail?

This is unknown.  Never has The Mooj addressed this issue in any of his newsletters.  In two accounts he indicated that he had been in jail for over 6 parole cycles but nothing more specific was ever stated other than he had called Chester County his home for many years.  The official Chester County, Pennsylvania Court Proceedings from 1988 – 1998 do not make any mention of a Mujaputtia Umbababbaraba [or “Mooj”] being tried or convicted for any crime in Chester County.  But, suspiciously, his official police records have been sealed and cannot be released to the public until the year 2062.  I called the Chester County Recorder to ask about this and was told that it was none of my business.  I sense a conspiracy here; perhaps our pal Jeff W. from The University of Maryland School of Journalism might look into this matter for us.

Why did the Mooj escape from jail?

The Mooj claims he escaped from jail because he located a giant sinkhole under his cell.  He didn’t seem to care that he was only a few days away from his scheduled release.  My guess is that The Mooj is probably one of those people that doesn't really think things through very well.

How did the Mooj escape?

The Mooj claims that an organization called The Mooj Freedom Network planned and executed his escape.  The Mooj more-or-less just went along with the plan.  I’m not sure he really understood exactly how ridiculous the plan was until it was too late.

Who or what was The Mooj Freedom Network?

I have no idea who belonged to the original Mooj Freedom Network but I would have to guess that it was the same gang of idiots that made up The Mooj Poetry League, The Mooj Memory Bank, The Mooj Social Action and Awareness League, The Mooj Matchmaking Society or any of the other groups that have somehow come to align themselves with The Mooj.  These fellows were undoubtedly other prisoners or members of the Amish community.

How is it that The Mooj was able to escape so easily, even though his plan was so ridiculous?

Unbeknown to The Mooj and The Mooj Freedom Network, the FBI actually let The Mooj escape without hindrance because they were after a “bigger fish,” namely a drug lord by the name of Doug Redhand.  The FBI believed that Doug Redhand would make contact with The Mooj and that they could grab him when he surfaced to join The Mooj and his Freedom Convoy.  Can you imagine how ridiculous this whole secret operation must have seemed to those at the FBI with even an ounce of common sense?

What was The Mooj Freedom Convoy?

The Mooj Freedom Convoy was the brainchild of The Mooj Freedom Network to help disguise and protect the fleeing Mooj as he traveled south.  It was made up of dozens of buses and other vehicles driven by Mooj Heads living on or near the I-95 corridor.  Somehow the FBI infiltrated The Mooj Freedom Network and was able to manipulate the travel schedule to ensure that it would pass near Doug Redhand’s last known whereabouts.  I would assume that many of the minions in The Official Mooj Entourage were probably FBI agents.

Did the FBI ever catch Redhand?

No, Redhand saw through the clever FBI ploy and hired a look-a-like to take his place.  When this look-a-like was captured in Alabama the FBI did not realize that they had captured a fake Doug Redhand and called off the whole operation.

Did the FBI also want to capture The Mooj?

Yes, but only because they promised the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania that they would return him to Chester County after they had captured Doug Redhand.  No one at the Justice Department really cared about The Mooj, he was just a two-bit petty criminal as far as they were concerned.  The Commonwealth of Pennsylvania wanted him back only because he had caused so much damage when he collapsed an entire wing of The Chester County Jail into a sinkhole (that he had inadvertently opened up).

Where is Chester County?

Chester County, located 25 miles southwest of Philadelphia, is the fastest growing county in Pennsylvania.  Southern Chester County is situated on the borders of Delaware and Maryland and is mostly rural.  Northern Chester County is more commercial and is located near the Main Line business area west of Philadelphia.  In recent years, the population of Chester County, PA has grown immensely.  Many new residents have moved into the area from nearby cities such as Wilmington and Philadelphia.

How did the Mooj escape for real?

On the final day (when the fake Doug Redhand was arrested) FBI agents were ordered to arrest The Mooj.  Up until that time he was allowed to escape from each “roundup” because the FBI needed him to continue his ridiculous escape and attract more minions and entourage members.  The plan was to capture The Mooj for real when the FBI finally nabbed Doug Redhand.  However, when the last roundup took place The Mooj was absent from the scene.  The FBI did not realize that they did not have The Mooj (or real Doug Redhand) until it was too late.

Who was Secret Agent Ziggy?

Back before the FBI decided to use The Mooj as “bait” to grab Redhand, The Justice Department began to suspect that The Mooj was up to something because he was conspicuously absent from his Mooj Cam.  This Ziggy fellow (whose real name was Merryweather) was sent to The Caribbean to find The Mooj.  (Interestingly enough no one at The Justice Department contacted The Chester County Jail to see if The Mooj had actually escaped.)  In The Caribbean Secret Agent Ziggy became addicted to marijuana and became a Rastafarian.  He quit the FBI and then, ironically, joined up with Doug Redhand’s gang.  Sadly, I suspect that Secret Agent Ziggy was killed when Redhand sent him to Switzerland to take care of some personal business.

What was The Mooj Cam?

For reasons unknown to anyone The Mooj set up a Mooj Cam so that Mooj Heads could watch him sit in his jail cell.  Mooj Heads never saw The Mooj because he claimed that he had to hide out of sight of the cam to avoid having his picture taken (for religious reasons).  I have no idea what this was all about but it must have been some ploy devised by The Mooj Freedom Network to assist The Mooj with his escape.

Who is J.J. Bigsby?

Bigsby is the person that The Mooj calls “the fake Mooj.”  Bigsby was the first Eastern Sector FBI Chief when The Mooj escaped from jail.  He was the mastermind behind Operation Mooj Bait, the FBI’s elaborate attempt to use The Mooj to capture Doug Redhand.  Bigsby was a meticulous person who absorbed himself in his work.  He became so obsessed with capturing The Mooj that he actually became The Mooj.  Unfortunately, this caused him to go insane.  As a result he began tracking the real Mooj so that he could kill him and assume his place in this world as the only Mooj.  Bigsby seemed to always be two steps behind the real Mooj and finally caught up with him in Mississippi.  But instead of killing him he assumed sole ownership of the title Howlin’ Mooj—King of The Delta Blues.  The real Mooj was forced to abandon Mississippi while the fake Mooj (Bigsby) was allowed to stay on and play guitar at assorted juke joints all up and down Route 61.  (Don’t worry if this doesn’t make any sense to you—I am a genius and it makes absolutely no sense to me!)  The fake Mooj (Bigsby) then killed another Blues singer and had to flee Mississippi.  He was last seen in Oklahoma, where he joined forces with the real Mooj and they both decided to head off to the mountains together.  Supposedly he had become humble and holy but we know that he really didn’t.  I have no idea what Bigsby is up to these days.

Who was J. Edgar Gayson?

Gayson took Bigsby’s job as Eastern Sector FBI Chief after Bigsby went insane.  Gayson turned out to be a crook who stole the entire Mooj family fortune by cleverly devising a scheme to make The Mooj think he was forming a new Freedom Network to help him escape again.  The Mooj was delirious and agreed to have his other protégé (Lance Worthy) sign over all Mooj Enterprises assets.  Gayson then pretended to take The Mooj’s place inside a full body cast.  Gayson somehow escaped from the full body cast (either in Memphis or Pennsylvania) and has never been seen or heard from again.

Why was The Mooj in a full body cast?

The Mooj was run over by a bunch of hippies driving a VW microbus along Route 61.  These hippies took The Mooj to The Memphis General Hospital because he had multiple fractures and several broken bones.  He was quickly arrested once he was admitted to the hospital because the FBI suspected that he was in the general area and had all of Memphis staked out.  His cast was flown back to Pennsylvania but I’m not sure if Gayson (who took his place) was inside it or not.  Either way the cast remained in the Chester County Jail Infirmary until it was opened and discovered empty.

How did The Mooj Realize that Gayson had swindled him?

Somehow Gayson was able to buy valuable time by hiring a hippie to drive The Mooj around for a couple of days making him believe that he was following some elaborate escape plan.  But the hippie proved to be unreliable and abandoned The Mooj in Arkansas.  When The Mooj tried to contact the fictitious New Mooj Freedom Network he quickly realized that there was no such organization.

Who is Lance Worthy?

Lance Worthy is The Mooj’s other protégé.  Lance claims to be Amish but I seriously doubt that this is true.  Lance also claims to be a gay porno star but I can’t seem to locate any of his movies on the Internet (and I’ve checked all the gay porno sites).  Lance is really a strange person who probably does more to hinder The Mooj than help him.  Perhaps The Mooj feels sorry for Lance and that’s why he is allowed to stay on as his protégé.  Lance did, however, come to the aide of The Mooj when he was really needed and helped The Mooj escape from the attic of Bill Clinton's boyhood home in Hope, Arkansas.  Together they robbed a Dairy Queen in Texarkana and fled north into Oklahoma.  Lance is missing at this moment—he was last seen walking toward Pennsylvania.

Who was Blind Lemon Washington?

Blind Lemon Washington was a famous blues singer from Arkansas.  He was killed in a barroom fight in Friar's Point, Mississippi.

Who killed Blind Lemon Washington?

J.J. Bigsby killed Blind Lemon Washington but no one is quite sure how.  The authorities don't know anything about there being a fake Mooj and so they think the real Mooj committed the murder.  So now not only is the FBI looking for The Mooj but so are about two or three other jurisdictions in Mississippi.

Who is H.H. Monroe?

He's the new Eastern Sector Chief for the FBI.  Unlike Bigsby and Gayson he has yet to crack and go off on some tangent.  He sounds like a real tough guy who doesn't fool around.  He also wears alligator skinned cowboy boots.

Where is The Mooj right now?
 
Nobody knows.  He was just about to work out some secret plan with a dog that he could communicate with telepathically to ditch the fake Mooj.  He must be in some trouble because he usually doesn't miss a newsletter deadline.

Can The Mooj really communicate telepathically with a dog?

No.  Obviously all these months in the wilderness have finally caused The Mooj to lose his mind.  The Mooj probably only thinks that the dog is talking to him telepathically and is having the whole conversation in his own head.

Is The Mooj really psychic?

From what I can tell he really is.  I mean he called that Florida thrashing of Tennessee didn't he?

Is The Mooj really a poet?

It all depends on how you define poetry.  Yes, his words do rhyme but there really is no pattern or scientific method involved.  I submitted one of his poems to the The Duke School of Fine Arts & Humanities Admissions Council and they said that they would never allow such rubbish to pass as poetry.