VOLUME III, No. 43, November 15, 1999
(Free to A Good Home)

We have good news for all you Lance Worthy fans out there.  Last week our pal Lance finally returned to his home to Bird in Hand, PA.  Since he missed both the tobacco and corn harvest [as a result of his wayward wanderings] he has been, once again, shunned by his Amish grandparents.  (Recall that he had been shunned by them once before when they found out that he was a gay porno star.)  He'll probably just have to hang around and make himself useful until he can get back into their good graces.  If not, he can come out here to Sedona and help me autograph blank canvases.

Dear Mooj,

Like most kids who lived in Boston during the summer of ’49 I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing the day Ted Williams hit that game winning home run described in last week’s newsletter.  I may or may not have ever met George Henry (the fellow who wrote the story) but I certainly knew Tracy Giovanni—she was my sophomore sweetheart at Harvard (probably about 1951 or 1952).  She was drop-dead gorgeous and by far the most black-hearted woman I ever knew.  For one whole year she made my life a living hell.  No matter how bad she treated me or how unfaithful she was to me I kept going back to her for more punishment.  (It was almost as if she had put a spell on me.)  Finally, some other guy stole her from me and I was finally rid of her for good.

It has been said that some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers; this is certainly true for Mr. George Henry.  He probably has no idea how lucky he was to have never gotten involved with that evil woman.  Now that I look back on those terrible years I can see that it was clearly because of Tracy Giovanni that I flunked out of Harvard and wound up driving a garbage truck for thirty years.  I could have been somebody but instead I wound up a homeless alcoholic bum.  As miserable as I am today at least I’m happier than I was back when I had Tracy Giovanni in my life!

Your Pal,
Horatio Duffey
Skid Row, Boston

The Mooj also enjoyed reading that Red Sox story by George Henry.  As most of my long time readers know the Mooj is a huge Red Sox fan.  I was sorry to hear about all your misfortunes in life.  The Mooj shall chant and meditate for you.



Mr. Mooj,

I work for one of the largest employee-owned companies in America.  My job is basically to answer the Ethics Hotline and monitor company employees for non-work related Internet abuse.  Last week your URL (www.mooj.com) received the most unauthorized hits from our network portal.  Therefore, you are our unofficial winner of The Most Popular Unauthorized Internet Site of the Week Award.  (We here on the ethics committee were surprised to see that your new age self-realization web site won the award because normally our low-life unethical employees tend to visit porn and/or car sites most often.) This award entitles you to one of the following gifts (our choice): either a psychedelic T-shirt celebrating our 30th anniversary or a special commemorative Frisbee with our company logo proudly emblazoned upon it.  Enjoy!  (The Frisbee or T-shirt should arrive within 6 – 8 weeks.  Shipping and handling fees are not included in the prize award.)

H.J.K.
San Diego, CA

It's good to know that people seek spiritual enlightenment even when they're supposed to be working and aren't.



Mooj:

I just found your site.  I was just kinda bored off of my [butt] one day and I checked to see if there was a Mooj.com, cause that's my nickname.

Keep it real.  Peace out.
Justin (another guy named Mooj)

Thanks "Mooj."  The Mooj always enjoys meeting other Moojs.  Every time I do an Internet search for "Mooj" I find a few more new Moojs out there signing web site guest books.  I should point out that I am in no way affiliated with the person using the email address mooj@buttblaster.com.  This person runs some kind of a porn site and I am often mailed nasty letters from his members' concerned parents.



Dearest MOOJ,

The new feature....ART GALLERY...is a terrific addition to your newsletter.  Would soooo enjoy seeing more of your art.

Fondly,
Katishka Punjabeiii

Thanks!  If you like Mooj art then you'll have plenty to look forward to because Mooj paintings are now saturating the art world.  Someone told me that my Blank Canvas #282 sold for over $6,000 on eBay last night.    



Oh dear God!  I haven’t heard the name Tracy Giovanni in almost 50 years.  I’m positive that the Tracy Giovanni that George Henry wrote about in his story last week was the same girl I knew back at Harvard.  She was undoubtedly the most beautiful woman I had ever laid eyes on.  She was also the meanest and most low-down woman to ever set foot upon this Earth.  Before our fateful meeting I was engaged to the daughter of one of the richest men in all of New England.  I was set for life and I threw it all away because of Tracy Giovanni, who told me that she loved me and then dumped me a few weeks later for some other guy.  My old fiancée refused to take me back and her father got me blackballed from high society (and, thus, kicked out of Harvard).  Within a year I lost my family fortune at the dog track and became a hopeless drunk.  I guess it could have been worse—I could have wound up driving a garbage truck like the bum she dumped me for!

Kerry Fitzgerald Jr.
Skid Row, Boston

I was sorry to hear about your misfortunes as well.  The Mooj shall chant and meditate for you like he did for that other guy that Tracy Giovanni seems have to screwed over.



Sir,

A few years ago I read with great interest a book suggested by The Mooj Historical Preservation Trust (now disbanded) entitled Our Harford Heritage, A History of Harford County, Maryland by C. Milton Wright.  In this work the author claims that when Captain John Smith and his fellow crew of [Jamestown Colony] Virginians explored [and mapped] the Upper Chesapeake Bay in 1608 that they traveled up the Susquehanna River only a few miles to a point that was then and is still called Smith’s Falls in what is today Port Deposit, Maryland.  The author cited two potential reasons for this mysterious ending to what could have been the first significant expedition into what is today southeastern Pennsylvania.  One theory was that Indians attacked Smith and his fellow explorers, forcing them back into the Chesapeake.  Another theory was that the Susquehanna River was too shallow and rocky for Smith and his men to navigate through safely.  After attempting that very same voyage myself I have arrived at a totally different opinion.  The real reason Captain John Smith and his men were probably stopped at Port Deposit, Maryland was that they couldn’t figure a way to get around the Conwingo Dam.  If you would like to read more of my scientific theories on early Maryland and Pennsylvania history please feel free to read my latest work published, to wit:

Barker etal., Historical Proof that Marylanders and Pennsylvanians Originated from Space Alien Feces, A Dissertation Presented for the Degree of Ph.D., Department of Natural History, Pennsylvania State University, State College, PA, June 1999.

Sincerely,
Mel Barker Jr.

I would point out the fact the the Conwingo Dam wasn't built until 1928 but that probably wouldn't matter to you since I know how "smart" you Penn State people usually are.  Hopefully, soon, we can get The Mooj Historical Preservation Trust back up and running again to help those fortunate few lucky enough to care about our great American history.    



Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!  Tracy Giovanni!  Oh my God!  I can’t believe I saw her name in your newsletter last week!  I also can’t believe I started thinking about her again after all these years! Tracy Giovanni totally destroyed my life and the sad thing is that I would let her do it all over again because I’m still madly in love with her.  I met her in 1955 when I was a junior executive working on Madison Avenue at a big ad agency.  I was married, had two lovely children and was on the fast track to become a full partner at my firm. Tracy Giovanni had just graduated from Harvard and was hired to work in the office steno pool.  The moment I laid eyes on her I fell madly in love—she was stunning!   There was nothing I wouldn’t do for that woman and she treated me like dirt.  I didn’t mind because just having her near me was all that I needed to make me happy.  Even when she was physically abusive toward me (I remember she was always hitting me with her golf clubs) I didn’t mind because at least she was paying attention to me.  We dated on and off for about five months and then she finally dumped me for some other bigwig in my company, a man who was richer and more powerful than me.  By then I had nothing—no job, no family, no money, no car, nothing—I was a total bum.  Tracy, if you are out there please call me.  I want you back in my pathetic life!

Dean R. Wrigley III,
Skid Row, NYC

Wow.  That Tracy Giovanni really got around.  The Mooj shall chant and meditate for you like he is for those other fellows that fell in love with Tracy Giovanni and let her ruin their lives, too.



Herr Mooj,

Lately there has been a lot of talk in the newspapers about how Vice President Al Gore has hired a radical feminist to help him change his image to connect better with the women voters.  He is now trying to project himself as an “Alpha Male.”  Mooj, what is an “Alpha Male”?

Guy Puente,
Harrisburg, PA

Ted Nuggent is an Alpha Male.  Jesse Ventura is an Alpha Male.  The Fonz is an Alpha Male.  The Mooj is an Alpha Male.  But Al Gore is not, nor will he ever be, an Alpha Male.



Mooj,

How odd!  How very odd indeed!  Years ago—maybe fifty—I worked at the Massachusetts State Hospital for the Criminally Insane.  I was doing my residency there when one day I accidentally entered a part of the hospital that was off limits (except for those with special training to deal with the really, really criminally insane).  Since I was only a resident I was quickly escorted away.  But before I left I noticed something very odd: inside one of the cells was scribbled the name Tracy Giovanni.  It was written on the walls of the cell about a million times—as if the occupant had just sat there for years writing that name, and only that name, over and over again.  When I asked my supervisor who Tracy Giovanni was he told me that he didn’t know but that he had seen that name scribbled on the walls of many other insane asylums up and down the Atlantic coast.  How odd!  How very odd indeed!

Dr. Rye Mantooth
Pawtucket, RI.

Yes.  Very odd Indeed.



Great Mooj,

I can’t live this lie anymore.  Actually, since I make millions of dollars a year, have millions of adoring fans and am only 25, perhaps I should live this lie for just a little while longer.  After all, the other members of my popular pop group The Backstreet Boys are counting on me.

Anonymous

The Mooj thanks you for your pointless letter.



Mooj,

I new a Tracy Giovanni wunce.  I dowt it be the same Tracy Giovanni as the wun that come frum Cape Cod because the Tracy Giovanni I new lived in New York City.  We both worked at a huge office bilding on Madison Avenue.  She wuz a secretary and I wuz a janitor.  She wuz real perty and always trying to get the big executives to take her out on fancy dates to all the big social events in town.  For some strange reason she fell madly in love with me.  The more I avoided her the crazier she got for me.  She begged me to marry her and I turned her down cuz I new better than to git involved with a high society girl.  I came to NY to become a star on Broadway and wuz a failure.  All I wanted to do wuz go home.  As soon as I could afford my bus ticket home I wuz gone.  Miss Giovanni never seemed to take no for an answer and even followed me back down to Southern Maryland.  Even after I married my cousin Sue Ellen Greeley that Miss Giovanni still tried to get me to fall in love with her.  I’m not sure what happened to her after 1957 because Sue Ellen and my mamma forbid her from ever setting foot in our house again.  My cousin Teach Lusby said that he saw Miss Giovanni a few years later and that she had become a nun.  I couldn’t tell you if that is true or not but I guess it don’t matter no how.

Atticus Grangerford
Lexington Park, MD.

Okay, that does it!  No more Tracy Giovanni letters please!

The Predators enter proudly when the Zamboni leaves the ice
Skating against Altera, but scoring only twice
Then a loss to the Piranhas, who suck like Heidi Fleiss
A week later they meet the Ice Pirates, and a victory eludes them thrice

Soon they'll face the Vipers, the Weasels and the rest
In between the creases, they'll fight to see who's best
Just like the mighty Condor, who leaves his empty nest
These Sun Microsystem techno-geeks will be put up to the test
 
Leventon, Siddens, Chernoff, scoring all the goals
Just like wise King Hosea, writing Dead Sea scrolls
In the final seconds of a power play the Predators' defense unfolds
Alas, the puck comes thundering, and slides between the poles

The ICHL is a power house, with players that are good
From the lofty Silicone Valley to the inner city hood
The Predators could be winners, yes, if they understood
Accept The Mooj as mentor; but their hearts are made of wood

Where is Sedona and how did it get its odd name you ask?  Sedona is located about 190 miles north of Phoenix in what is called the Verde Valley.  (One of my Mexican-American friends told me that "Verde Valley" means "Green" something or other.)  The first white settlers arrived here in The Verde Valley in the year 1876.  Up until 1902, there were still no more than 20 families living here because this area was so remote.  In the early 1920s a postal station was requested by some fellow named T.C. Schnebly who was tired of having to drive all the way to Prescott, AZ to pick up his mail.  Since the U.S. Post Master needed a town name to establish a post office Schnebly used his wife's name "Sedona."  I guess the name stuck.  Below are some Sedona links for those Mooj Heads wishing to learn more about The Mooj's new home.

Sedona Net
Sedona Chamber of Commerce
Sedona Tour Guide
Sedona New Age Stuff
Arizona Guide
Wyland Whale Art

 

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Also, if you live in or around the Sedona area be sure check out the latest issue of Sedona Highways, on sale all over Arizona.  From what I understand there is a very nice interview in there with me (although I'm not sure how they did the interview since I don't recall ever talking to anyone from Sedona Highways).