The Mooj Weekly Standard 
Written and Edited by Mujaputtia Umbababbaraba
Volume III, No. 17, May 10, 1999
The Mooj has Entered the Building!

First things first.  Well it looks like this "Frank in the tank" is going to stay put for while.  I guess my lawyer was right when he warned me not to enter my parole board hearing doing my kung-fu dance.  Unfortunately, the Mooj has a flair for theatrics and anytime I have a captive audience I tend to emote.  (This was such an occasion.)  I had been practicing this particular kung-fu dance for a few weeks and couldn't wait to show it off.  I guess I should have waited for another audience.  Oh well, live and learn I guess.

The day wasn't a total loss, however, since one of the ladies sitting in on my parole board came up to me afterwards and asked if it was still possible for me to introduce her to one of the remaining eligible bachelors from last week's How to Meet and Marry your Prison Pen Pal Seminar.  On short notice we were able to retrieve and clean up "Sasquatch" Sammy.  I'm happy to report that these two hit it off in splendid fashion and are now "official pen pals."  Score another hit for the Mooj Matchmaking Service!

Mooj's Mailbag 
Here's a random sampling of this week's mail: 
 
"What is a Mooj??" (Ron H.)

"Who the f__k is Mooj and what do I have to do to make him stop sending me e-mail!!!" (Mr. Willem)

[Editor's Note: Hey, this is a family oriented newsletter.  I think we'd all appreciate it if Willem cleaned up his language!]

"Although I have no recollection of meeting the Mooj, my husband thinks they may have once had a torrid affair and wishes her to be back on our e-mail friend list.  Therefore, I have been instructed to remove the block.  She'd better not be pregnant by him." (Betsy C.)

[Editor's Note:  There must be some confusion here on the Mooj's gender.  The Mooj is and has always been a man.  I think the writer of this e-mail message might have read some of the Mooj's gender transposing poetry.  Due to my superior omnipotence I sometimes transpose my poetry so that it appears to have be written by an old Irish woman (see my poem in The Mooj Poetry Archive entitled, Irish Breakfast Poem.)  If there is still confusion on this aspect of my poetic style I'll probably have to limit my gender transposing omnipresence.]

"Mooj.  My tax guy says we still haven't received a contribution receipt for our 1998 support of Men of La Leche.  Please forward to us via e-mail or directly to my tax guy.  I'll send more money as soon as I find another check book." (Bret M.)

[Editor's Note:  To all those who have been sending in donations for the various Mooj Social Awareness and Political Action Programs, tax receipts will be available soon.  We are still uncovering some book keeping irregularities (that's putting it mildly).]

"I like the Mooj now--it's okay to bother me with your brilliance." (Lerner W.)

[Editor's Note:  Another Mooj Head is born!  People often thank me for ignoring their initial pleas to stop sending them email.]

"Dearest Mooj,  How can I thank you for accepting my humble poem? All of my life I have tried to get my work published. You have given me the confidence to quit my job at the toothpaste factory in order to pursue my heart's true desire.  Thank you Mooj. My hero. My mentor. My guru. My brother!"  (Poonam U.)

[Editor's Note:  The ever humble Mooj enjoys nothing more than to help his Mooj Minions out, especially when they're family members.]

Poetry Corner 
A few more random acts of poetry fell into the Mooj Mail Bag this week.  Now that a new Poetry Showdown has been kicked off, self-identified poets seem to be crawling out of the woodwork.  One thing I would like to remind everyone is that The Mooj Weekly Standard is a family entertainment vehicle--not a showcase for freaks.  Poems celebrating violence and/or questionable acts of lewditity will not be allowed in the contest.  These poems will, however, be passed around the jail and shared with the lesser element among the prison population.  The boys in Cell Block "H" seemed to really like a poem written by Henrietta K. called, "Rug Burn O' Rama." I personally found the poem lacking in meter, alliteration and style.
Cook's Corner
People are always asking me, "Hey Mooj, why do you always include recipes in the Mooj Weekly Standard?" To be honest I have no idea.  A better question might be: Hey Mooj, why do people insist on sending The Mooj recipes in the first place?  I have no idea why but every week the Mooj Mail Bag seems to be filled up with recipes and this week was no exception.  Here's a tasty treat that comes from a guy claiming to be "Renaldo de Sud San Francisco."

Taco Dogs:  Instead of using a regulation hot dog bun when eating hot dogs use a taco shell instead.  Renaldo tells me that he can't think of a food that's more authentically "Mexican American" than that.  Yes, Renaldo de Sud, I believe you are correct!

Cop Beat
Did you know that the vast majority of Mooj Heads reading The Mooj Weekly Standard are police officers?  The Mooj may be a seasoned criminal but he is still largely respected by the men and women working in law enforcement.  My friends in blue are constantly sending me torrid tales of the street.  Let me share one of those stories with you:

Hey Mooj, one night I got called to the scene of a car accident.  When I got on scene I saw a Chinese guy sitting in what was a double parked car.  The rear end of his car was destroyed.  ("Boooooo-lashed," is the technical term for anything that is f__ked up.)  Anyway, "Chinese-guy" spoke mandarin and all he knows was "big truck clash into my cal."  At this point another Chinese girl approached me on foot and said: "I was standing on the corner and this white Isuzu pulled up to me.  There were 3 girls in it.  The driver threw an egg at me and it hit me in the stomach.  She started to laugh and point her finger at me and then sped off.  As she drove away, she continued to look at me.  She didn't see the double parked car and she slammed into it."  The Chinese girl then pointed at the Isuzu that was parked down the street.  The egg hit the girl in the stomach but it didn't break on her because she was wearing a puffy jacket.  It bounced off of her and broke on the ground.  Well, I went to go to talk to the driver of the Isuzu..., her car was BOOOOOOOOOOOOO LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLaaaaaaaashed," Airbags went off, windows smashed, fenders pushed into tires, smoke, coolant...and yes, almost two hundred eggs smashed to bits.  Fortunately, after the crash, her doors wouldn't open and she couldn't get out and run.  The title of my report was: "Traffic accident, 1 injured. & battery, with an egg."  All the batterer could ask after I gave her her tickets was: "Will this affect my chances of getting into the police department?"  My response was, "You retard. Shut the f__k up.  Sign the tickets and press hard cuz there are four copies."  
 

This Week's Stock Market Picks 
Do you remember last December when The Mooj predicted the DOW would close above 11,000 by May of 1999?  Well, do you?  My premonition proved true again and those of you who heeded my advice must have had a great week.  This was despite Federal Chairman Alan Greenspan issuing cautious statements about the economy.  What does it all mean?  Keep buying stocks.  If I had some money this week I'd buy HON, TJX, OCLR, BMET.
 Closing Thoughts 
Well Mooj Heads, this weekly newsletter ends as it began: with The Mooj reflecting on the fleeting time we spend together.  Next week promises to be a better week for the Mooj because a Feng Shui master is visiting my cell to help put things back into harmonic balance after last week's riot.  He has already done some good work for me in the past.  (He was the one who broke my toilet so that it kept running--giving my cell the constantly running water it needs to achieve a limited sense of Feng Shui.)  What more can a humble man ask for--except toilet paper.
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