The Mooj Weekly Standard 
Written and Edited by Mujaputtia Umbababbaraba
Volume III, No. 16, May 2, 1999
The Mooj Speaks His Mind!

First things first.  I want to thank everyone who participated in this year's How to Meet and Marry a Prison Pen Pal Seminar.  The Mooj Matchmaking Service (which sponsored the event) is proud to announce that over 200 women showed up to meet potential pen pals/husbands and just about everyone participating had marginal success (even if it was just 10 minute's worth).  Only four CCJ inmates failed to find perspective "pen pals."  So gals, here's another chance for all those who missed the affair and don't want to wait until next year.  The following inmates are still looking for pen pals: "Scurvy" Jake (#42-4398), "Sasquatch" Sammy (#49-7645), "Hairy-Ass" Pete (#12-5631), and "One Eyed" Ken (#24-8765).  Contact me via email and I'll see what I can do.
Mooj's Mailbag 
Here's a random sampling of this week's mail:

"Hey Mooj, in your April 28th newsletter you claim that you only have an "8th grade education," but in your April 19th newsletter you state that you "graduated from Raweigh High School (class of 1973)."  Well, which is it?" (Gail T.)

[Editor's Note: That was a typo.  Raweigh was not a high school.  It was an elementary school.  Thanks Gail for spotting my error.  A "Mooj for West Chester City Selectman" bumper sticker is awaiting you at the east gate guard house.]

"This whole Mooj thing has me confused.  This has got to be a joke, right?" (Dean R.)

[Editor's Note: Your question has me confused.]

"Hey Mooj, I notice your web page is updated almost everyday.  How do you find the time to do that?" (Albert H.)

[Editor's Note: "Time" is the one thing The Mooj has plenty of.]

Poetry Corner 
"Outrage!"  That's probably the best way to describe The Mooj Poetic League's decision the end this year's Poetry Showdown early.  As a result a new poetry contest is being established.  I never dreamed that people were so passionate about their poetry.  The Mooj takes full responsibility for this oversight and will use his influence with the Mooj Poetic League to select a judging panel that is more "in touch" with today's Mooj Weekly Standard reader.

On a related topic a very special poem found its way into the Mooj Mail Bag this week.  Although it was unsigned I could tell that it was penned by my sister Poonam Umbababbaraba.  Sorry Poonam, Mooj family members are not eligible to enter the Mooj Poetry Showdown.  It just wouldn't be fair to the others since we Umbababbarabas are such gifted people.  I have added her poem to the Mooj Poetry Archives.  You are all invited to read and reflect upon it.  I certainly did!

 

Cook's Corner
This week's recipe comes from a guy claiming to be "G.G., The Polish Stallion."

Suspended Polish Keilbasa: Boil Polish keilbasa, a head of cabbage, peeled potatoes and carrots in a big pot.  Then prepare a large casserole dish (preferably 3 inches deep) with Jell-O.  After cooling the keilbasa and vegetables, cut it into small slices and add to the Jell-O mix.  Let set for a few hours.  According to the G.G., The Polish Stallion, lemon or lime flavored Jell-O works best. (Yeah, I bet!)

Mooj Trivia Quiz  
Hundreds of new Mooj readers have added their name to the email roster since our last Mooj Trivia Quiz so we here at the Mooj Weekly Standard think it's high time for another quiz.  This quiz is for entertainment purposes only--no wagering!   The first ten submittals with perfect scores will win a free "Mooj for West Chester City Selectman" bumper sticker.

1.    In which branch of the armed forces did The Mooj serve?

 
2.    For which popular '70s rock group did the Mooj play bass? 3.    The Mooj was photographed shaking hands with which important celebrity? 4.    The Mooj is currently a card carrying member of which prestigious organization? 5.    What was the name of Mooj's first wife? 6.    What TV show did The Mooj once appear on? 7.    The Inspiration for Mooj's Poem "The Tell Tale Foot" was Just like in the Poetry Showdown Umbababbaraba family members are ineligible for prize consideration.  You are also ineligible if you meet any of the following criteria: you served with me in the navy; toured with Tony Orlando and Dawn during the summer of '73; work or have worked at Graceland and have or had access to important Elvis archives; currently belong to MENSA and have in your possession an active MENSA roster; are named Bjorn Umbababbaraba; watched Romper Room as a kid or own any Leo Sayer album.  Good luck on the quiz!
 This Week's Stock Market Picks 
People are always asking me: "Hey Mooj, how come you always put your stock market picks at the bottom of the newsletter?  I always have to sift through all your other crap to get to what I really want to read." 

To be honest, friends, I know that 80 to 90 percent of you read this newsletter only to glean useful stock market advice.  I know that if it were presented in the beginning most folks would stop reading there and not continue on for what could be potential enlightenment.  So like a grocery store, which places milk, bread, and butter in the rear I, too, put what you came in for in 'the rear of the store,' hoping you'll pick something else up on the way in and out.  This week's picks are NCBC, ADVS, CGNX and ALD.

 Closing Thoughts 
An apology is being forwarded to you who came by to visit me during the Chester County Jail Open House.  I'm sorry that I was unable to have visitors that day because I was in solitary confinement.  The staff here at the CCJ told me that most of my visitors were "behaved," except for a Spaniard named Pedro, who wanted to do something awful to me with his foot.

This will be a busy week for The Mooj because I have my parole hearing later this week.  My attorney tells me that "6 times is a charm," as far as parole hearings go.  Hopefully, those clowns that seem to always show up and protest during my hearings won't be there this time.  Wish me luck.

  

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