Dear Mooj,
I’ve always considered
myself an honest and ethical person. But
recently I learned something about myself that
has me very ashamed. I must be
blocking this evil deed out of my head because
I just don’t remember it. It must be one of
those repressed memory things.
I learned about this
terrible secret while undergoing hypnotism to help me lose weight. My hypnotist put
me into a trance and then I revealed to him this
horrible act. Now this hypnotist guy is
threatening to go to the police unless I pay
him $20,000. Is that ethical? Maybe he’s
doing me a favor. I don’t know. I’m so
confused.
Peter Pipe
The Dalles, OR
|
Peter Pipe? What kind of name is that? Are you
insane? I bet you are if you’re actually
falling for that old hypnotism gag. Don’t you
know hypnotists are crooks? That’s how
they make their living: by blackmailing suckers
like you! I’m surprised someone as stupid as
you even has $20,000 to throw away. Here’s
what I suggest: pay the hypnotist the $20,000 but
make sure that not only does he not reveal your secret but
that he also not tell others that you’re the
biggest sucker he ever scammed!
|
Most Worthy Mooj,
Last night I went on a
blind date with this girl that my sister had
been trying to set me up with for months. I
didn’t really want to go but my
sister kept insisting. I finally said what the
hell and called the girl and asked her out. We
went to Applebee’s. My date was cute and we
hit it off really well. After dinner my date
asked me if I were the adventurous type and I
said yes (figuring—what the heck). She took
me back to her apartment and…. Actually, I
don’t want to say what happened next since I
don’t want to outrage your modesty most holy
Mooj. But I will tell you that I had this big
surprise waiting for me when this woman took
off her clothes. The woman wasn’t a woman at
all—she was a dude!!!! I was totally freaked
out! I’m going to kill my sister!
Danny Bonnet
Grapevine, TX
|
Sounds like you found true love there slim!
Why hide your feelings? Everyone knows you
wouldn’t have sent this letter to The
Mooj unless you wanted him and everybody else to condone
this new perverted lifestyle of yours. I personally think you’re
a freak!
|
El Mujo,
El viento es como el alma de una mujer.
Usted oye él gemir y él hace que usted
consigue feliz. Soy como el árbol poderoso.
Mi corteza es peor que mi mordedura. Por qué
debemos luchar con nuestras lenguetas? Somos
condenamos vivir como ranas en una charca de
la leche!
Jose D.
El Paso, TX
| Holy
crap it's that Ricky Retardo guy
again! Why is it that every time I
answer the Mooj Mail this deranged
Mexican feels the need to opine his absurdity? Sorry
Pancho, I no speeko
Spanish so I have no idea what you’re
rambling on about. But I bet it’s
really profound—yeah, about as
profound as taking a crap in one of
those new and improved NJ turnpike
porta-potties!
|
Mooj,
I’d rather be sorry for
stuff I did rather than stuff I never did. My
motto is "Just Do It—and do it to the
MAX!" I’m a thrill seeker and I do
everything excessively. I’m like those
Mountain Dew guys except that I’m for real
and much more hardcore. Last summer I
backpacked across Antarctica. The year
before that I drove a motorcycle from Tierra
del Fuego, Argentina to Point Barrow, Alaska.
The summer before that I climbed Mt. Everest.
Tomorrow is my 60th birthday and I’m
going to celebrate in style! I’m going to
parachute into a volcano and lava surf to the
bottom with a bag of dynamite strapped to my
ass. What do you think of that?
Action Andy,
Shasta, CA
|
Hey grandpa, go easy on the Viagra will ya? I
doubt you’re as stupid as your letter makes
you out to be but then again maybe The Pope
ain’t Catholic. You’re an extreme guy all
right—an extreme idiot!
|
Last week’s newsletter
totally sucked. I hate Trent Handjoy. Please
don’t allow him to sit in for you anymore.
He distorts your message.
Gabe Kelly,
Russell, TX
|
Oh no! Gabe Kelly thinks last week’s
newsletter really sucked! I hope he doesn’t
read this one! What really troubles me most is
that Gabe actually thinks that The Mooj
has a message. I wonder what that message
could be? Maybe it’s that Gabe Kelly is a
big fat loser!
|
Trent Handjoy totally
sucks! I hate that guy. Even when he isn’t
arrogant he’s still annoying. Is The Mooj
really off on a spiritual journey? I bet it’s
more like an alcoholic bender.
-Unsigned
|
Hey "Unsigned," whose email address
is limabeen@yahoo.com,
did anyone ever tell you that it’s rude to
send people obnoxious emails and then not sign
them? Have some guts you loser! I got news for
you "limabeen man," The Mooj really is
on a spiritual journey. Of course you probably
can’t comprehend what a spiritual journey is
since the only journey you’ve ever taken is
that one to the Emergency Room late one night to
have that mysterious object dislodged from your
rectum.
|
Hey Mooj,
I like all your new
interns, especially Jaques. He’s really cute
and I would love to find out more about him.
Does he have a girlfriend? What’s his
favorite band? What’s his sign? HE IS SO
COOL!!!!
Tammy, Age 13
|
Hey Tammy, I think you might have popped one
too many zits since it’s
obvious you’re suffering from a loss of IQ. I’ve met all the new mooj.com
interns and let me tell ya, "Jaques"
is probably the least charming of the bunch.
And that’s giving him the benefit of the
doubt.
|
So the Mooj is missing
again? Sorry to hear that. Glad to see that
Trent Handjoy has found it in his heart to
forgive The Mooj. I have too.
Russell Duquesne,
Dowagiac, MI
|
Wow, I think I’m going to cry. This guy
forgives The Mooj. How touching. Hopefully now
this poor soul can move on to the next phase
of his life and figure out why he’s the
biggest loser in all of Dowagiac, Michigan.
|
Dear Mooj,
Did anyone ever tell you
that you have no eyes? I’m looking at your
picture on Mooj.com and see that your eyes are
missing. How do you see?
Fritz H. Day,
Battle Mountain, Georgia
|
I’m not sure what this person is getting at.
He must be one of those insane asylum escapees
that likes to keep sending in stupid letters. Fritz,
my man, I
suggest that you ramp up your medication a wee
bit;
and while you're at it, stop popping yourself
in the head so hard with empty beer cans.
|
Most Holistic Mooj,
This letter is to invite
you and your followers to my wife Ginger and
my 40th wedding anniversary on
March 14, 2002. We’d be delighted if you’d
be the guest of honor and give us one of your
holistic blessings. Both Ginger and I are
minions and rely on you for daily wisdom. We
will renew our vows at St. Raymond’s Church
in Downey, CA at 10:00 a.m. and then proceed
to the world famous Tiki Lounge for a small
get-together.
It’s hard to believe that
Ginger and I have been married for 40 years.
We met during the summer of ’61 when I was a
lifeguard at the Downey Plunge. I was only 18
and had no real ambition in life. My parents
wanted me to go to college but I just wanted
to be a lifeguard. To be honest I didn’t
have a care in the world. Then I met
Ginger! I knew the moment I saw her jumping
off the high dive that she was the girl for
me. Ginger was a big city gal and didn’t
think much of a guy like myself but I kept after
her and finally got her to go on a date
with me. That night we kissed for the first
time and the rest is history.
Ginger and I got married in
the spring of 1962 and within nine months had a baby. Things were tough in those days
and it was impossible to make ends meet on a
lifeguard’s salary. My dad kept pestering me
to get a real job and so finally I went to
work with him at McDonnell Douglas (which was
doing Apollo space stuff at the time). Since
my dad was a senior engineer I got accepted
into their journeyman program and went to
transistor school. Within six months I
was a certified transistor technician and
finally making decent money. Then one day in
the late 60s I was called into a secret
meeting. I was told that
I had been hand-selected to work on this super secret government project. It was that
project where NASA faked the whole moon
landing thing. I remember it was quite an
elaborate undertaking and involved thousands
of other engineers, technicians, set designers
and special effects people. I guess the plan
worked since the Russian’s really did think
that we landed on the moon. They tried to copy
us and wound up going bankrupt. Actually, I’m
probably not supposed to talk about this since it’s probably still
classified.
Anyway, hope you can make
it to the big gala!
Patrick Stonewood Jr.,
Downey, CA
|
Hey Patrick, back when you were working on
that secret NASA project did you by any chance
drink lots of rocket fuel? It sounds like you
might have fried your brain. Gee, I
feel like an idiot because I always thought
that we really did land on the moon. Silly me.
But in truth I think you may be mistaken about
which secret project you were working on. You
were probably working on "that
other" NASA project. You know, the one
that included subjecting people with low IQs
like yourself to mass quantities of LSD. Let
me guess. I bet they picked you up and brought
you home each day on one of those
"short" yellow school buses, right?
|
Minions All!
In the course of human
history certain events occur which change the
direction of human development. Rarely do we
get to witness, much less be a part of these
events. Now is the time for all of you to
participate in one such event. Do not
hesitate! Years from now when we’re sitting
in our rocking chairs on our porches sipping
Geritol while a nurse wipes the drool from our
chins those who witnessed this event shall
have something to smile about while those who
chose not to shall weep.
What is the event you ask?
Mooj-Fest 2002! Where? Brandies University in
the Spingold auditorium parking lot. When? February 26,
all day!!! Come see what minionism is all
about! Free Beer!!
Big Ell (Minion #1092)
Salisbury, MD
|
Gee, this sounds like lots of fun. I’d go
except that I have a life.
|
You guys are full of crap!
That whole Grizzly Duck warehouse fire thing
is a total scam! Everybody
knows you couldn’t sell any of your stupid
Mooj minion T-shirts and so now you’re
faking this whole warehouse fire to make
people think your T-shirts are in limited
supply. Good luck selling your T-shirts
suckers!
Carol Taney,
Jamestown, NY
| Darn…..,
Sherlock Holmes here just figured out
the whole T-shirt caper! Wow, I hope
she doesn’t tell anybody. I’d sure
hate to see The Mooj lose a few
T-shirt sales because this mastermind
deduced the Grizzly Duck marketing
strategy. Oh wait—I forgot: Carol
Taney is an ignoramus and so no one
will believe her anyway. To be honest
I have no idea what’s going on with
these official Mooj minion T-shirts.
All I know is that there are only
about two dozen left and I’ll
probably put them in the trunk of my
’92 Honda Civic when it’s time for
me to drive off into the sunset. My
guess is that if you haven't bought an
Official Minion T-shirt already then
you’re probably not going to do so regardless of how many are left.
|
YOUR NEW INTERN JAQUES IS SO HOTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!
HE IS THE ABSOLUTE CUTEST EVER!
KATRINA DEEROSE, age 13
| Zounds!
It’s another teenybopper with
impaired judgment. You’re the second
person to write in about mooj.com
intern Jaques. I thought the guy was a
dud but maybe I was wrong. But then
again maybe I’m the illegitimate son
of the Dolly Llama.
|
I AM MADLY IN LOVE WITH JAQUES I WOULD GIVE
THE WORLD TO MEET HIM HE IS BEAUTIFUL!!!!! I
LOVE YOU ALWAYS love Denise.
Denise, age 12
|
What is with these girls? Are they looking at
the same roster of mooj.com interns that I am?
Maybe these poor girls have been operating
their Easy Bake Ovens inside unventilated
spaces? Or, perhaps, they're snorting
Clearasil.
|
Holistic and Harmonious
Mooj,
I met my boyfriend on the
Internet and things were perfect until we
moved in together. My boyfriend talked about marriage at
first, but now says he thinks he wants to be a
professional bodybuilder instead. His mother
doesn’t like me and thinks no one is good
enough for her son. I’m just
about finished with medical school and want to
start my new professional life off on the
right foot. How can I get my boyfriend to
commit to marriage instead of bodybuilding?
Also, do you think people would take me more
serious as a doctor if I had larger breasts?
R.K.,
Hopewell Furnace, PA
| I
am at a loss for words. Part of me
really wants to tell this poor woman
what I think of her asinine problem
but part of me wants to spare her
feelings. Let’s just say that both
she and her boyfriend deserve each
other since they’re both losers.
|
Most Humble and
Understanding Mooj,
I have never been happy
with the size of my tackle and am thinking of
getting an operation to make it bigger. When
all my friends started developing sexually in
high school I noticed that I was much smaller
than most. I always hoped that I would grow
bigger but I never did, even after using one
of those Ron Jeremy acu-jack pumps. I feel
totally under-endowed and that has affected my
relationships with women. I recently
dumped someone very special to me because I couldn’t face the
humiliation of her seeing my small package.
What do you suggest I do? I value your opinion
greatly.
"Little Lou"
East Leroy, MI
| Hey
"Little Lou," what I want to
know is what were you doing looking at
other guy’s private parts while you
were in high school? I guess we all
know which side of the plate you bat
from, eh? I know lots of guys out
there like yourself that pack a
tootsie-roll-sized wienerschnitzel and
let me tell ya, it ain’t no fun. But
the truth is you gotta draw with the
gun God gave you. I certainly have.
But then again I was lucky. I
was born with a 155mm howitzer.
|
Dear Mooj,
I’m in love with my best
friend’s mom. I want to be with her but don’t
want to risk losing my friend. His name is
Jeremy. I’m 18
and work at the Food Lion. My friend’s mom also works at
the Food
Lion. I’ve liked her since the first time we
met. She’s totally cool and has a great body. I finally got
the courage to tell her that I loved her at an
employee party last month. I was thrilled when
she whispered that she felt just the same
about me. We made an excuse to go outside and
then made love inside her 1994 Dodge Caravan.
We saw each other again and had sex two more
times, but the second time we nearly got
caught when my friend came home early. Luckily
he thought I only came over to play Nintendo.
That was a close call. Anyway, I’m in a
quandary and don’t know what to do. What do
you suggest?
Stephen Cantor,
Parkwood, NC
|
Ha ha ha. I should mess with this guy's
mind. Hey Stephen, there is really nothing I
can say other than keep doing what you’re
doing. Why not enjoy life? Heck, I would.
(Man, this guy’s a loser! How can he even
live with himself? Reading letters like this
makes me remember why I faked my death.)
|
My question is: I’ve been
having health problems lately, what do you see
happening with this? Also, who will I end up
marrying, the older man, or the younger man?
Tanya D.
Plymouth, MA
|
This is one of those psychic questions people
often send in to The Mooj. Sadly, The Mooj can’t
help this poor woman but I can. Here’s my
advice: 1) quit smoking, 2) quit drinking, and
3) marry the guy who will make you the happiest.
|
Do you see a new
relationship or even me getting back with an
old partner?
Nakeia G.
Hampton, VA
|
I don’t see anything except that this is the
last letter in the mail bag. Thank God for
that!
|
|
Okay,
here's a stupid poem. Well
actually stupid is probably too strong
a
word. How about "lacking in
any wit, wisdom or style."
This poem is about The
University of Maryland's recent 87 -
73 thumping of ACC "has-been"
Duke. It's by some guy calling
himself The Lonely Donkey Kong.
This Lonely Donkey Kong guy is
obviously a gifted person. (By
gifted I mean "Rain Man"
gifted.)
|
When I was in high school I
had this huge crush on this girl named Karen.
We both were in the same homeroom every
year. She was always very nice to me and I liked her
so
one year I asked her to the school’s winter
semi-formal. She turned me down because she
already had a date but she was very nice about
it. I was bummed and decided to find out who
the other guy was and mess with him. I learned
shortly thereafter that it was this guy named Donald Tracy.
He was my friend. But friend or no friend, this
was war!
During that week our school was
having its annual candy-cane gram fund raiser.
Everyone was encouraged to buy these things
(basically it was a candy-cane with a message
attached) and send them to friends and
sweethearts. They were to be delivered in
homeroom on the day
before Christmas vacation.
My sinister mind began to
work and so I bought one of those candy-cane
grams and addressed it to Karen. I then wrote
something vulgar like: "I really dig your
big boobs and can’t wait to see them after
the dance." I signed it Donald Tracy
and deposited it into the delivery box. There
was no turning back after that but I didn’t
care; hell, I figured it was the best 25¢ I
ever spent!
A few days later during
homeroom the candy-cane grams arrived and I
sat at my desk trying to contain my giggles. I
had a perfect view of Karen’s desk and
watched as she opened each of her candy-cane grams. Since Karen was popular she got
dozens of them. I knew the moment she read
mine when her face turned bright red. I
could see that she was totally offended by the
rude message. She was so upset that she didn’t even bother
to read the rest of her candy-cane grams. I almost cried trying not to
laugh.
Then the
bell
rang and I followed Karen into the hallway. In
the distance I saw poor Donald Tracy walking
up the hall toward her. The poor sucker had no idea what
was in store for him. It was like I saw the
whole thing unravel in slow motion: Donald
walked up to Karen with this stupid grin on
his face, asked her if she got his candy-cane
gram and then got slapped right across the face.
Donald just stood there confused, scratching
his head. I almost lost it right there
and had to duck into a classroom so that they
wouldn't see me laughing.
Later that day I saw Karen
in the lunchroom and she asked me if I had
found a date to the winter semi-formal yet and
I said no. She then said that she was
available again and would go with me if I
wanted. It was a date!
My poor friend Donald could
never figure out what happened. He’s
probably still confused about it to this day!
I’ve always felt really bad about what I did
but then again I’m glad I did it too since Karen and
I eventually got married. We’ve been
together for almost 30 years now and have 6
children and 4 grandchildren. I told Karen the
truth about the candy-cane gram a few years after we were married and
she just laughed about it. We still laugh
about it now and again.
