Mooj,I keep checking your Mooj Cam and even check it in 15 Minute intervals because it says it is updated every 15 Minutes but every time I reload it I get the same grainy picture of an empty cell. You entice people to get a glimpse of you via the camera but I haven't seen you yet. The FBI (even today's FBI under my own inept control) would call this a clue. I believe that the "Mooj" may have escaped from the Chester County Jail.
To further back this conclusion I keep trying to listen to the Mooj play Blues from his jail cell but all I get is the same song looped over and over again! Suspiciously enough I haven't gotten a new newsletter in a couple of weeks. Publication seems to have ceased over a week ago. If you don't answer this e-mail it will confirm that you have indeed escaped from the county Jail in Chester County, PA. If I don't get a response in a reasonable amount of time, say 2 weeks, I will notify Madam Secretary Madeline Albright of your escape and request that she get Presidential approval to redirect the troops headed to Kosovo for peacekeeping duty to Chester County and order a thorough manhunt for you dead or alive. YOUR TIME IS UP MR. MOOJ! TURN YOURSELF IN AND REQUEST LENIENCY!
Thank You,
Janet Reno
Attorney General, U.S.of A.I assure you Ms. Reno (if this email was really from you) that I am alive and well and still here in the Chester County Jail. Hopefully, last week's issue mollified your concerns about why I have not been seen on the Mooj Cam. And, yes, I admit that when you do hear my guitar playing that it is a recording. However, I assure you that the weekly newsletters are appearing as prescribed, give or take a few days. (I do admit that last week's issue was late but I was too tired to work an account of staying awake for days on end to avoid the Mooj Cam.) On route to you with my sincerest apology is my last Mooj for West Chester City Selectman bumper sticker.
Hey, you wise ass, I caught you in yet another lie! This whole "I can't have my picture taken for religious reasons" bit is total bullsh_t. I can cite several times when you have previously mentioned being photographed. For example, in your April 28, 1999 newsletter you wrote: "...I don’t recall sending naked pictures of myself to anyone. This lady, perhaps, might have been a recent subscriber to the now discontinued Mooj Artisan Guild Bulletin. I recall posing in the altogether for a still life study entitled Good Old Fashioned Banana Art..." Explain that Mr. Mooj! Also in your December 13, 1998 newsletter you made a big deal about someone posting nude pictures of you on the Internet. Explain that one, too!
Your Pal,
Gail T., Garden Grove, CAYou are incorrect Ms. T! Never, as far as I know, have I ever been photographed. All images of The Mooj appearing in this or other Mooj Literary Society publications have and will always be in the form of an artistic rendering. The nude pictures of me appearing on the Internet were, in fact, actual photographs but I must point out that only the bottoms of my feet were visible. Since there were about two or three dozen other naked people in that picture I hardly stood out. Please be more accurate with your allegations next time. My reputation is at stake!
Mooj!
Do you remember me? My name is Clifford Ducaligo. You mentioned me a few weeks ago in one of your newsletters. I am writing to you to set the record straight once and for all. Yes, I was in fact the kid that used to run around naked at the Ponsitron Roller Rink. But I noticed that you conveniently failed to mention that you, too, stripped naked and joined me each time I did this. In fact, if memory serves me right, you were fired because of that. Fess up!
Your old pal, Cliff
Boca Raton, FLCliff, yes, you are correct. I did a lot of things in the 1970s, which I am ashamed of and that was definitely one of them. (Getting that "KISS Rules" tattoo was another one.) But I would like to clarify something: I was not fired from the Ponsitron Roller Rink for running around naked whenever the song Don't It Make my Brown Eyes Blue played. I was fired for burning down the place in a drunken rage.
If I, If I were a butterfly
If I, If I were a bee
If I, If I were at Dutch Wonderland
I'd forever, finally be free
To Tom R. in Pine Bluff, AK: Don't worry Tom, your secret is safe with me. However, I'm not sure how long you can continue to live this dubious secret life. Sooner or later your wife Tina, your sons Hank & Ralph, your co workers at the Weston Avenue K-Mart, your fishing buddies Jeff & Benny, your American Legion brothers at Lodge #3213, or even your parents Frank and Marta Rosedale are going to figure you out and they will never forgive you. And to be honest I wouldn't blame them since what you are doing is beyond disgraceful—it's downright vulgar!
To Thelma-Jane H. in Pasadena, TX: You are correct! No one deserves to win the Lotto more than you. Yes, I agree that you have suffered all your life and selflessly helped those much less fortunate than yourself. The Mooj will now do for you something that he has never done for anyone: give you the winning Lotto numbers for next week's Big Lotto Jackpot. The winning numbers will be 5-12-18-19-25-33-47. Unfortunately, though, my psychic powers can't narrow it down any further than that. I suggest you get started now driving around to all 50 states to ensure that you purchase the right winning ticket in time.
To Wes M. in Park City, UT: Beware! Your business partner Jesse Humpfries is embezzling millions of dollars a year from your company. (Or, maybe it's just that he's taking the last cup of coffee from the coffee pot without making a fresh pot. I can't tell for sure.)
To Rossie T. in Orlando, FL: Good news: you are just about to meet your one true love! The name of your mystery man begins with "K" and he lives very close to you. You have already met him once before at the Circle K on The Orange Blossom Trail, near where you work as a dental hygienist. Your mystery man is also a multimillionaire and the current owner of a trendy night club. He also owns several racing greyhounds and a jai alai arena. I should probably point out to you that this mystery man is also a fugitive from justice and will involve you in his secret life of crime. In fact, you will wind up becoming his "drug mule." He will also force you into a life of prostitution to pay for the cocaine you will soon become addicted to. You will spend years in prison and be in and out of drug rehab the whole rest of your short life. But, Mr. "K" will love you and I guess that's all that matters.
To Willem in LA, CA: Your big break is just ahead! Finally, all your hard work is finally going to pay off and you will land the acting job of your dreams. But don't let that change you my humble friend. Don't let your impending success spoil the kind and considerate person you have always been to those who care most about you. I suggest you keep your old friends and avoid those who will now befriend you when you become rich and famous. But most of all, remember to use "protection" while "acting" since the type of movies you are about to star in employ, should I say, multiple costars.
To Zit-Ass Zippy, the Circus Sideshow Freak: Zippy, you too shall find true love. In fact, she is already known to you and has been a good friend to you for some time. Her name? I'm not sure. My psychic powers tell me only that she lives a few tents away and weighs over 2,000 pounds.
Well Mooj Maniacs, that's all my gentle brain can handle this week. Using my omnipotent psychic powers really zapped my strength. It probably also doesn't help that I am involved in yet another hunger strike. This particular one is to protest the caning of Michael Fay in Singapore (Yeah, I know that this happened years ago but I have a huge back log of causes to have hunger strikes for.)
