A few inquiring minds have been asking of late how "Sasquatch" Sammy and the lady on my parole board are getting along since their introduction a month or so ago. Well, there's good news to report—they are engaged!! In fact, the lady in question, a Miss Greta L., is reportedly with child! She is expecting a little Sasquatch sometime early next year.
Dear Mooj,I can't explain it. I am married, the mother of small children and married to a wonderful man. I have never looked at another man since our marriage eight years ago. Yet, I find myself strangely attracted to you. The photos you include in each of your newsletters of yourself are very sexy. I have been fantasizing about you for months now. What are the rules for conjugal visits? I would really like to make my fantasy become a reality. Please let me know.
Long Island Lover
The Mooj is very upset. Did you not take your wedding vows seriously? You would throw your wonderful life away just to have one romantic interlude with a mere petty criminal? (Albeit, a very handsome one.) I suggest you think very carefully about what you are considering. I am ashamed of you.
If you are still "game," however, show up June 22nd at the Chester County Jail Conjugal Visit check-in pagoda and bring two forms of ID. You will also need to bring proof of prophylactics. Also, have your shot records available. The Mooj has rented tent #16 for twenty minutes (11:35 - 11:55 a.m.) and you will probably have to take a number since I have seven other conjugal visits penciled in that morning. An overflow tent may be provided if the line gets too long.
Mooj,
I have this terrible reoccurring nightmare. Every night, in my dreams, I am visited by a giant frog wearing a yellow turtleneck sweater named “Freddie,” a large hippo with a southern accent (named, I think, “Henrietta”) and two people that look like the Carpenters. These scary creatures bombard me with folk music and then chase me around a large tree house. This dream has haunted me for almost 20 years now. What can it mean? When will it stop?
LemontLemont, Don't worry! Sometime in your early childhood you accidentally witnessed a TV show called The New Zoo Review. This reaction your are having is common among adults of your generation. Only time can erase those awful memories.
All week people have been soliciting free psychic
advice from The Mooj. This, of course, is a result of last week's
announcement that I was given an extrasensory perceptive gift by Mother
Nature (along with about 50,000 Volts). My psychic abilities are
now so strong that I know what people want to ask (even without them having
to ask). In the spirit of community service I shall now answer some
of my Mooj minion's requests for free psychic advice:
To Greg in New Smryna Beach, FL: Hey Greg, If I were you I’d stop worrying about the Y2K problem and start worrying about why the “pool guy” visits your house every day while you're away at work and your wife is home all alone. Hell, you don’t even have a pool!
To Gus in Wheeling, WV: You’re one sick puppy Gus. My advice to you is to buy your Aunt Melba a new couch and maybe she'll forgive you [and drop the charges].
To Rusty in Gilroy, CA: You will find happiness only after you rid yourself of all your worldly possessions. I suggest you give everything away (including that velvet Elvis painting) to one of the many Mooj Social Activity and Progressive Thinking Funds. (Also avoid Mexican Food—that will clear up your complexion and cure your insomnia.)
To Jim in Scottsdale, AZ: Now is the time to forgive and forget. Let not foolish pride stand in the way of your family.
To Ling-Ling, the Musical Ape: Ling-Ling, why are you contacting me? I doubt I can help you with your problems. I'm not even sure what those problems are since my psychic powers don't seem to translate ape language very well.
Well that's about all I can stomach this week. Keep sending (or thinking) your psychic questions toward me and I'll try to get back to you as soon as possible.
