Written and Edited by Mujaputtia Umbababbaraba, Poet Laureate of Chester County, PA  
Esse quam videri Mooj! 
First Things First.  If you are new to The Mooj Weekly Standard then welcome aboard.  A few new Mooj Minions joined our ranks last week thanks to our new web site (www.mooj.com) and subscription hot line (1-800-GET MOOJ).  

This has been a busy week for The Mooj.  Not only because of the new web site but because once again I have been asked by the Chester County Historical Commission to oversee this year's reenactment of The Battle of Brandywine.  Last year, you may recall, the reenactment was a complete disaster because I forgot to mention [in our advertising mailers and hand bills] that The Battle of Brandywine was a Revolutionary War battle—not a Civil War battle.  Most people showing up to reenact the event were dressed either as Yankees or Rebels.  Luckily, none of the spectators seemed to notice (or they were unfamiliar with when the 1777 battle was actually fought).  [The crowd wasn't totally ignorant since they did boo the dozen or so idiots that showed up dressed as Japanese and German soldiers.]  Anyway, this year's event promises to be a much better planned and organized event.  Also this year, unlike last year, we will ensure that all muskets and canons are unloaded.  (Last year we had several fatalities resulting from skirmishers using real ammunition. )  If you aren't busy that weekend come on out.  I wish I could join you but can't for obvious reasons.

Ask The Mooj 

Mooj,

The other day I heard a song on the radio called "Doughnuts Make My Brown Eyes Blue."  I thought everyone liked doughnuts.  Why would they make someone sad?

"Kim," The KNBR Junkie
 
What?  Are you sure it wasn't Crystal Gayle's "Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue"?  The Mooj remembers that song because I used to play it all the time when I was a DJ at the Ponsitron Roller Rink in Boca Raton, FL.  That was the song, I recall, when all the kids would skate backwards and a certain kid (I think his name was Clifford Ducaligo) would take off his clothes and run naked through the rink, shouting: "I'm nature boy... See me running naked through the jungle!" The only way we could get that idiot to stop was to take that blasted song off the record player and turn off the disco ball.  After this happened about 15 times I got so fed up that I stopped playing the song altogether.    

Dear Mooj,

Glad you're back buddy!  The world felt a little darker without your sunshine.  It felt a little bleaker without your laughter and fun and games.  Things seemed really slow without your bits of wisdom and trivia and such.  To finish off I just want to say the world's a little spicier, a little fresher and much more hometown with The Mooj around.  MOOJ FOR CONGRESS!!!!

Martha-Buellton, CA

The Mooj says, "Thanks but no thanks."  The Mooj has decided never to run for public office again after his recent thumping at the polls last November when I ran for West Chester City Selectman.  The Mooj didn't get a single vote—In fact, not even I voted for myself.

Hey Mooj,

What's the deal?  You're either very smart or a complete imbecile.  I'm not sure which.  By that I mean some of the things you write about are brilliant but then some things you do are absolutely asinine.  C'mon Mooj....doing a kung-fu dance at your parole hearing?  Breaking your toilet so that it keeps running to give your cell a Feng Shui something or the other?  I doubt seriously that you only have an 8th grade education since you are so fluent in Latin (and the other lost arts).  Stop with all the shenanigans, will ya!

Angela N.

Was it not Remus and/or Romulus that said: "Fatti Mashchii, Parole Femine & Scuto Bonae Voluntatis Tuae Coronasti Nos"?  If not it might have been that guy Huggy Bear on Starksy and Hutch.  Anyway, what I'm trying to say is: "The Mooj is what he is."   

 Cook's Corner 
What is it about the words "beef stroganoff" that people think is so darn funny?  I must have gotten three recipes last week where someone made up a recipe and tried to pass it off as a legitimate beef stroganoff dish (with an all too obvious re adaptation of the name to make it sound "obscene").  The Mooj, again, reminds his readers that this is a family oriented newsletter—lewditity on any level will not be tolerated.  And since we're on the topic I would like to ask G.G., the "Polish Stallion" to stop sending me his "kielbasa" pictures.  They are funny, I admit, but definitely not suited for this publication.
 Cop Beat 
Mooj, one night my partner and I were sent on a domestic dispute call.  When we arrived on scene we found a man sitting on his front lawn holding his head (he was covered in blood).  We asked him what happened and he told us that his wife had hit him in the head with a smoovie.

"A what?" I asked.

"A smoovie," he responded.

"What do you mean by a smoovie?" I asked.

"You know...a smoovie!" he said again.

I was really at a loss as to what this fellow was trying to tell me.  Finally my partner butted in and said: "What do you mean, a movie?"

"Naw, I told ya! A smoovie!" he said again.

Finally I asked the guy: "Okay, what the hell is a smoovie?"

"You know," said the battered husband, "it's what my wife uses to smoove her clothes with [he was talking about an iron]." 

Bible Corner 
No one answered our Bible quiz question from a few weeks ago.  The answer was Seth.  Seth was Adam and Eve's third son.  What's the matter? Was the quiz too hard for you?  How could it be any easier...the answer was on page 3 of the Bible!

This week's question comes from Dick Proudfoot (of The Doodson School of Theology, Porters Corners, NY):  

What was the name of Adam and Eve's oldest grandson?

(Hint: Answer is on page 2 of the Bible.)

Poetry Corner  
Long ago it was decided that poetry shouldn't be included in The Mooj Weekly Standard.  This was primarily due to the fact that there were many other Mooj publications tailored specifically to poetry (e.g., The Mooj Poetry Sentinel, The Mooj Artisan Guild Bulletin, The Official Journal of the Mooj Poetic League, Poemz in Da Hood and Erato Speaks Through Mooj).  However, since no one reads these journals (most have been discontinued anyway) the editorial staff here at The Mooj Weekly Standard has unanimously decided to allow selected poetry to once again appear in the newsletter.  (This was based primarily on the huge outpouring of accolades concerning last week's newsletter, which, by the way, included a wide variety of poetry.)  Although several poems were submitted for this week's newsletter the editorial staff chose only one: an oddity sent in by my Aunt Katishka Punjabiiie. Enjoy.

I'M JUST A PART TIME PUPPETTEER

Lordy, Lordy…I'm a part time puppeteer…
Just singing my songs and feeling kinda queer

I'm wrangling my way to the local pub
Warming my laurels in their quarter hot tub

Sitting on the bar stool musing life at large
Poppin down Kielbasa, my butt looks like a barge

Checking out the action…dancing up a storm
Watching for the fish heads… in rolly polly form

All the birdies are singing…for my gal and me
Checking out those snake trails, where the rides are always free

It sure was quiet in that church, said the part time puppeteer
With that, he left the pub that night, filled with pilsner beer.

The Mooj's Stock Picks 
A few of you may have noticed that The Mooj hasn't been giving out stock picks lately.  Angry investors, whom normally rely on my stock market advice, have been sending me numerous email messages inquiring into why I have not made any picks these last few weeks.  I apologize.  Unfortunately, The Mooj has a serious dilemma.  A few weeks ago while I was in the exercise yard I was zapped by lightning.  Ever since that day I have been more omnipotent than usual.  I can clearly see the future and so, perhaps, giving stock market advice may not be the most ethical thing to do, especially since there's going to be a huge stock market crash next year.  Let me know what you think.  I should point out to all of you Mooj minions out there that if you ever wanted real psychic advice, now's the time to get it.  Send inquires to me through the usual channels.
Closing Thoughts 
Well friends I must call this meeting to an end.  Another week has passed and, so again, we must go our separate ways (yours, hopefully, takes you farther than mine does).  Spread joy in the World by sending the new Mooj web site address (www.mooj.com) to as many people as you know.
 
 
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