First things first. It has come to my attention that certain people are abusing their Mooj Literary Society's “benevolence to others” privilege. Most of you should be familiar with The Mooj Weekly Standard’s pricing scheme. Annual membership in The Mooj Literary Society, which entitles you to this weekly newsletter, as well as other selected poetry postings and social activities, is $52 a year (or approximately $1.00 per issue). But, through the generosity of The Mooj Philanthropy Society, approximately 2,000 gift lifetime subscriptions are awarded to new readers each year. (Most of you I presume are reading The Mooj Weekly Standard through the generosity of this organization.) Another 300 - 400 gift lifetime subscriptions are also awarded via the Mooj Poetry Not Guns and Friends of Mooj Societies.
Members of The Mooj Literary Society (and that includes just about everyone receiving this newsletter right now) may act on behalf of the society to grant the weekly newsletter to anyone he or she deems responsible enough to use the material in an honorable and respectful way. Members may do this either one of two ways: 1) by emailing the newsletter (or web site address) to that person or 2) sending me that person’s email address and having me put them onto the Mooj Master Mailing List. (Many of you who received this newsletter free of charge without contacting anyone were probably lucky enough to have had someone nominate you for the free lifetime subscription.)
But now I find that this privilege is being
abused! A new term has entered the American vernacular—that is,
people are now doing something they call “Moojing.” This practice
has resulted in many persons being added to the Mooj Master Mailing
List that did not necessarily want to be there in the first place.
Some recent examples include people working in offices who receive chain
letters or other nonsensical mass mailings from which they then glean off
names [of others] and send to me for “gift subscriptions.” In the
future The Mooj will be more careful as to who he adds to the master list.
(I would be willing to bet that most of the hate email I get is from people
who were incorrectly nominated by fellow subscribers.) If you are
a member in good standing then please feel free to continue sending me
the email addresses of your friends and family. I should probably
also point out that the term “gift lifetime subscription” doesn’t necessarily
mean that you will get the newsletter “for life.” Hell, I expect
the moment I get out of jail you won’t hear hide-nor-hair of me again.
Many of
you may recall that last week I was sent a story that had me utterly confused.
It was an allegory filled with symbolism and hidden meanings but I just
couldn't see through it. I asked fellow Mooj Heads to help me and
here are some of the responses I got:
Mooj,
It's simple! The narrative symbolizes how most people today don't defend, or even necessarily believe in, the values that built this Nation and made it strong. The antagonist, i.e., the man in a suit, symbolizes today’s social conservatives, who have all but lost the war of culture. The protagonist, i.e., the Aqualung figure, represents the liberal press, who have systematically fueled public apathy by reporting as news the polls that reinforce how America, today, no longer cares about morality—the “thing” being squeezed is the “self evident and undeniable truths” for which this Nation's founders fought and died.
Barry H.
Mooj,
That story about the two prisoners is just a twist on the old flea and the lion parable, except here the thing being squeezed isn't manly pride but human feces.
Jeff K.
Mooj,
The two prisoners are simply just two prisoners--one a bum, the other a guy in jail for drunk driving. I doubt there's any hidden meaning to the story at all. Some guy just thought it was funny and sent it to you, that's all.
Peter G.
The Mooj isn't sure what to think. Maybe it's a combination of all three? I guess I'll just have to keep meditating on the answer.
Dear Mooj:I am very distressed. I just returned from my doctor and he told me that I have bipolar disorder. BIPOLAR?!!! What the hell is that? I don't even like cold weather. I am a calm, rational person most of the time but this has really gotten me upset. Who the f__k is he to tell me what I am and am not?! If you pierce me do I not bleed? If you tickle me do I not laugh? If you press my stomach do I not pass gas? I AM VERY VERY VERY ANGRY!! WHERE IS MY INHALER? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY CANCELED MY CRANIAL SACRAL THERAPY THIS WEEK?!! WHY THOSE NO GOOD F__KEN AS__OLES! ARE YOU GONNA EAT THAT? ARE YOU GONNA EAT THAT? I'LL EAT THAT. Well, Mooj. Thank you for your time. I wait in earnest for your reply. I am tired. I will sleep now.
Sincerely,
Flem Bru'le
Whoa Nelly! Calm down there Flem, old buddy. Being bipolar just means that you have two poles. Some people would be happy just to have one!
Dear Mooj,
Thank you for tutoring me while we were co inhabitants in the Chester County Jail. You taught me the art of reading and writing and I will always be grateful to you for that. Since you haven’t seen me in a while you probably know by now that I successfully escaped from jail last month. I changed my name from Clive Martin to Clarence Robinson and obtained a new social security number. I found a little woman named Hannah and we have now settled down in Kissimmee, Florida, just outside of Orlando. I am now working as a carpenter for a major developer called Rydel Construction and earning a decent living. My wife is also employed, working at the local Wal-Mart. None of this would have been possible had you not taught me how to believe in myself. My past as a serial “felon” is over. I have now cleaned up my act thanks to you. I changed my hair color, shaved my beard and gained about 20 lbs. so I doubt you’d recognize me now. Let me know if there’s anything I can do for you. Since my wife works at Wal-Mart I will have her steal cigarettes for you. I’ll send them to you in a package marked with three “Xs” on the return address label—that way you’ll know they're from me. Take care.
XXX
Something tells me Clive (I mean Clarence) that you’ll be “hand delivering” those cigarettes real soon.
Dear Mr. Mooj,
My problem has been on going for the past six years. My cat “Mitsy” ran away one warm summer night and has never returned. I have had dreams that he is trying to get home but can’t find his way. I have spent hundreds of dollars on posting signs in a ten mile radius surrounding my apartment and have even promised a reward. As of today no one has responded with any information. I haven’t gone to work in three months because I’m afraid if I leave the apartment “Mitsy” will show up and feel abandoned. My new dilemma is that I’m being evicted in 60 days for failure to pay my rent. What, if any, legal action can I take against my landlord? I have tried to explain my situation to him but he thinks I’m crazy. Any help you can give me will be appreciated.
Sincerely,
Cloe F.
Santa Cruz, CACloe, my psychic powers tell me that your cat Misty is no longer "of this world." But your dreams indicate to me that he is trying to reach you from the "other world." A $50 donation to The Psychic Friends of Mooj will probably speed that message along to you.
Dear Mooj,
I just had to ask you your opinion about a crisis I am having. See, my best friend Crystal didn’t have a date for the prom and I couldn’t go because my grandma was having a birthday party for my uncle so I said Crystal could take my boyfriend Cody. Well Cody, he didn’t want to go with Crystal because she had really bad acne. Well, when I told Crystal that Cody wasn’t going with her because of her pimples she started to cry. Her mom took her to a skin doctor and cleared her face up and she started to look really pretty. So Cody decided to take her to the prom. Well they went and I guess they had a good time because Cody won’t return my calls and my friend Gina said she saw them one night at the movies holding hands. Our six month anniversary is coming up in June and I don’t know if I should get him a present or not. What should I do?
Kelly Ann
Wilmington, DEI suggest you save your money. You should probably, also, start looking for a new best friend.
Sir,
I have asked repeatedly for you to stop sending me your newsletter. I don’t know where you got my address. I don’t know who you are or why you insist on harassing me and my family. I am pleading with you to leave us alone. My wife is scared, my children are confused and I am angry. We don’t enjoy your “Seuss” like poetry, your advice column, or the obscene section called Cop's Beat. I’ve contacted my congressman and have asked for a full investigation into how a criminal like you has access to the Internet. God knows what other kind of garbage you perverts in jail put on the Internet! As far as I can tell it’s another example of my wasted tax dollars. I hope this is good bye forever!!!!!!
drsicko@analpornopirate.com
I will strike you forever from The Mooj Master Mailing List. Unless you are "Moojed" you shall never hear from me again.
Hey Mooj,
Since you're from Chester County, PA, I was wondering what you thought of the new Pennsylvania license plates. I know you don't get to see them on cars from your cell, but I'm sure they make plenty of them in your prison.
Wanting your insight-
RussThe Mooj loves the new Pennsylvania plates! Very few people have seen the new PA plates since they won't debut for another year. But since The Mooj is 'an insider' (so to speak) I can give all you Mooj Heads a sneak peak. Enjoy:
