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Dear Mooj,

I'm a great fan of yours and have been since I was "Moojed" about three or four months ago.  Last week you mentioned a certain unfortunate event in your life (when you were fired from a job as a roller skating rink DJ after burning the place down).  I am a journalism student here at The University of Maryland and quite familiar with how to research any topic to find press stories that may have been written about it.  Thus, curious and all, I ran a NEXUS search using the input: "Mooj + Mujaputtia + Boca + Raton + Ponsitron + Disco" and found the following newspaper article published in the August 20, 1977 issue of The Boca Raton Science and Businessman's Journal.  I have scanned the article and will send it along to you.  Feel free to share it with your minions if you so desire.
Your Pal,

Jeff W. College Park, MD.

Thanks Jeff,  I did not realize that the event made the local papers (or even worse that a photograph of myself had been taken and published).  I have asked The Friends of Mooj Investigative Branch to try and track down any other news articles, which may have also shown a photographic likeness of me (since I was involved in many, should we say, minor altercations).

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Ya mon, I bean to da Caribe-an, mon, and I hod to try an feet een mon! I wooz sint by da Atany Generaless to sarrch fer da Mooj.  She bean tinkin dat he be a rasta mon on acount ov da dread locks he bean spartin in the a-tists rendishans of himself in da news letta-s mon, ya know wat im speakin mon? Jammin, we should be jammin.

Special Agent Ziggy.

I can barely make out anything you wrote "mon."  The Mooj could not possibly be in the Caribbean as he is securely locked behind bars in the Chester County Jail.  The Mooj does not understand why you would be looking for him anywhere other than the jail, unless you were under the influence of the evil gonja weed.  The Mooj is chanting for your recovery and suggests an intensive drug treatment program.  The more expensive the program, the better the chance of recovery.  Once you conclude the program, drop The Mooj a line.  The Mooj will use your testimonial in a future newsletter.

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Hey Mooj,

I'm curious about something.  A few weeks ago you said that it was against your religion to be photographed.  I know Gail T. [from Garden Grove, CA] already wrote in and cited several examples where you mentioned being photographed in some shape or manner.  But, perhaps the biggest example of your hypocrisy comes from your June 17, 1997 newsletter, when you ranted and raved about how The Barbazon School of Modeling ripped you off back in the mid 80s.  I'm not exactly a fashion guru but wouldn't that mean you had to pose for pictures if you wanted to be a model?

A Friend for Life,
Gabe H., Houston, TX

Gabe, you are correct.  There was, in fact, a time in The Mooj's life when he wanted to be a model and had several head shots taken.  In fact, I even went as far as to try out for Star Search's Spokes Model of the Year (I actually made it to the quarter finals and got to eat dinner with Ed McMahon).  But, that was back when I was aimless and unfocused on what really mattered in life.  Today I am much wiser and much better off because of it. 

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Hey Mooj, what ever happened to The Frugal Gourmet?  I used to love watching that guy on TV and now he’s never on anymore.

Larry M., Sacramento, CA.

Larry, From what I heard the Frugal Gourmet was using ‘butter’ for more than just his cooking.  I don’t have any details but a few of my sources tell me that the Frugal Gourmet left many ‘sticky buns’ in his wake.  One can only wonder what that means.

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Hey Mooj.  Who is Lance Worthy?  Are you Lance Worthy?  I bet you are!

Doug R., Hillsborough, MI

No Mr. R.  I am not Lance Worthy!  You wouldn’t believe how often people ask me this.  As many of you know Lance Worthy used to write guest editorials for The Mooj Weekly Standard back in the old days.  (He has also pinch hit for me on occasion when I was unable to attend to my normal editorial duties due to illness or solitary confinement.)  Lance, as most of you know, has quite an abrasive personality and I get tons of hate mail after each of his appearances.  (For that reason alone I try to limit his inputs to only a few per year.)  But Lance does have quite a following and The Mooj Mail Bag does get its share of pro Lance Worthy requests.  For those caustic few who like Lance I will see if he is available in the near future to write another short piece or two.  (Lance Worthy has his own website but he has asked me not to give out the URL since he has limited bandwidth.  I will tell you, however, that it can be found using any conventional search engine and key words such as: “Lance,” “Worthy,” “man of action” or “aging adult movie stud.”)

Mooj Dude,

How's it hangin'?  I used to work for a fast food restaurant that is famous for its French Fries. Can't mention the name but I'll pass along the secret recipe cuz they fired me (Don't ask—let's just say it was an after hours incident involving me, my girlfriend and the milkshake machine). Here it is for the world to see:

GOLDEN ARCH FRIES

Take French fries out of walk-in freezer
Pour into fry basket
Drop basket into deep-fry vat
Turn on timer
When you hear the "beep beep" sound, it means they're ready (this is the tricky part)
Drain basket
Dump fries into fry station
Sprinkle with salt
Scoop into white paper holder
Enjoy!

See ya!
T.J. Flannigan

#include <stdlib.h>
#include <stdio.h>

main ( )
{
    int  love ;
    for (love = true)
        then printf ("what can you do");
            else (love has passed you by);
10           do
                love+1
                printf ("you are the one");
                    else (love = false);
                printf ("a timeless waltz");
             go to 10
        end if
    continue
end
}

To Denise in El Segundo, CA: Yes, your ex mother in law is trying to ruin your reputation at the country club—but surely you can't blame her!  After all, you did abandon her son and grandchildren to run off and have an affair with the tennis pro.  And since you asked, yes the tennis pro does love you but I think you should know that he is also having an affair with twelve other people, including your ex husband and ex mother in law.

To Randy in Stone Mountain, GA: Stop worrying!  You are destined for greatness and will be extremely wealthy before you know it.  I suggest, however, that you now begin the practice of paying income taxes (since not paying them might be the reason you wind up in jail in the very near future).

To Mr. Fujimora in East Texas, PA:  Good news Mr. Fujimora, that woman you are so madly in love with will finally accept that marriage proposal (you keep offering her).  She is quite a catch, too, from what my psychic senses can tell.  One thing that bothers me, though, is why is she so eager to marry you now—after more than 20 years of steadfast rejection?  I hope the fact that you just won the Pennsylvania State Lottery doesn’t have anything to do with this.

To Darrel in New Castle, DE:  Yes, I know your heart has been broken.  Losing your wife to your best friend and your job the very same week must have been a terrible shock.  (Not to mention having your car stolen as well.)  I say: “Cheer up!”  Things are bound to get better very soon, my gentle and humble friend.  But first I should warn you: quick, run out and buy fire insurance on your house.  (Don’t ask me why but my psychic senses seem to indicate that the worst is yet to come.)

To Dr. Barry G. in Guyana: Living among the jungle primates for seven years has been a wonderful experience for you.  But now it’s time for you and your crew of graduate student anthropologists to return to civilization.  Don’t expect to find things as you left them, for many changes have taken place in your former world.  For one thing The University of Tennessee (where you are on sabbatical from) has finally won a National Championship! Volunteer pride is aplenty, and joy now rings throughout the humble village of Knoxville.  This joy, unfortunately, will be short-lived because my psychic senses tell me that The Vols haven’t got a prayer next year.  (Florida Gators????  My psychic senses tell me that Florida will punish the Vols next year.)