First Things First.

Before I proceed I would like to point out that my escape from jail would not have been possible had it not been for the tireless efforts of The Mooj Freedom Network.  This newly organized body has done an outstanding job establishing my escape route and providing me with reliable transportation (as I travel toward my permanent hiding place).  If you would like to join The Mooj Freedom Network, and risk possible felony charges stemming from abetting a known criminal, then submit your name and address to the following organizer:  abet-the-mooj@mooj.com. The Mooj needs "safe houses" in each state of the Union, preferably in well-lit areas with high fences (and hopefully close to a Denny's or Waffle House).  All that is asked of you by The Mooj Freedom Network is that you not tell your friends and neighbors that The Mooj is staying with you until after I leave.  I will probably only be able to stay for one or two nights since the authorities always seem to be hot on my trail.  I usually travel with an entourage so please have at least six or seven empty beds available when I arrive.  (If you would like to join The Mooj Freedom Entourage and ride along on the Mooj Freedom Bus, then contact the above email address and an application will be mailed to you.)

I cannot put into words how grateful I am to the good people of Okahumpka, FL for the parade and festival they threw in my honor last Wednesday.  July 21st was Official Mooj Day in Okahumpka.  I was given a key to the city and an autographed photograph of Vanna White.  This was truly a special day for me and one that I shall never forget.  I only regret that the festivities ended so abruptly when gunfire ensued and Federal Agents moved in to capture me.  I escaped thanks to the quick thinking of the University of  Tulane Marching Band, whom pulled me into their ranks and allowed me to perform with their flag squad as we marched out of harm's way.  Also, the fact that there were so many Mooj "look a likes" in the crowd helped confuse the authorities and aid my escape.

Dear Mooj,

I suffer from Penis Envy and I don't know what to do.  I've done everything to escape it—play women's soccer, become a high school gym coach, cut my hair real short.  What would help?  Should I change my name to Bo?

Berlita in Riverside, CA

Berlita, it sounds like you need a man in your life (but you're such a compulsive control freak that you want to be that man).  Accept the fact that you need to sit down while you urinate.  I can only imagine how inconvenient this may be, but you must accept it.  The Mooj certainly has.

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Mooj,

Why bother writing poetry—it sucks!  I read some of your poems and they appear to be written by a six-year-old.  Why don't you just do humor.  I say this [not to hurt your feelings but] to let you know that you're wasting your talents.  Your Mooj Weekly Standard is very funny—even if you don't mean it to be.

J.C.K.

J.C.K., while I have never won any prizes for my poetry I do consider myself a deeply gifted artist.  I know that if only I had a proper education I would have been a much better poet.  But, I play the hand God dealt me and, thus, do the best I can under the present circumstances.  Had it not been for the joy I receive each week publishing this newsletter I would certainly have given up on my dream of being a famous poet and returned to an aimless life on the NASCAR circuit.  Please be kind—but most of all be patient.  Alas, my poor heart beckons me to share what I can and if  it brings clarity and joy to just one soul (yourself excluded), then I will consider myself a success.

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Hey Mooj,

How come you don't mail out spam anymore telling people that they won a free gift subscription to The Mooj Weekly Standard?  (A clever ploy, I might add.)  I bet most people don't even know where your website went to after you got kicked off Fortune City.  That's why your readership is down—no one knows where to find you anymore!

Casey H., Joplin, MO

Casey H., well, in all honesty, this jail break has taken its toll on me both spiritually and physically.  With all the preparation of  the escape, pulling off the "old swithcheroo" with Lance and, of course, the mental anguish of  letting down one of my all time heroes, Ms. Janet Reno, I just haven't had the time to spam, or as I prefer to say, "notify people of their good luck."  Most original "Mooj Heads" are aware of the "Fortune City" incident and their addiction/subscription has remained uninterrupted.

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Mooj,

I still love you.  Now that you're out of jail please come home.  I forgive you.

Bjorn U.

I hope this isn't the same Bjorn I was married to back in the late 70s. If it is I can honestly say that I haven't forgiven you for all the pain and suffering you put me through.  (Not to mention the mental anguish I suffered as I tried desperately to keep our six-week long marriage together.)  If you are that same Bjorn then I must ask you to move on with your life and forget about me.  We will always have Sopchoppy, Florida to remember.  (And, on top of everything, I still can't pronounce your damn name.)  

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Mooj,

What's the deal with that Lance Worthy guy?  Is he for real?  I checked the Encyclopedia of Adult Entertainment and he wasn't listed anywhere.  There was, however, mention of a guy named Lance Worthy who "performed stunt work" in some old alternative lifestyle classics such as The KY Cowboy Meets the Bunk House Boys; The Yanks are Coming and To Sir with the Kind of Love that Hurts.  Is this that Lance Worthy?

J.J., Newark, NJ.

J.J., yes, this is that Lance Worthy.

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Professor Mooj,

How come you don't put cop stories in your newsletter anymore?  My wife and I used to really enjoy them.

Vinny, Yonkers, NY.

Unfortunately, since The Mooj has become a fugitive from justice the Law Enforcement Community has boycotted all of my Mooj publications.  I have been told that once I surrender to authorities, regular contributors to my "Cop Beat" column will resume their submissions.  I regret that I have placed so many of my good friends in this compromising situation.  The Mooj would like to extend "the olive branch" to his former law enforcing pals and say that if they wish to publish their stories using an alias, I will respect their desire to remain anonymous and keep their names (and departments) secret.  This olive branch is also extended to my former friends in The ICHL, The Predators, who are also boycotting my newsletter and asked that our pen pal agreement be nullified.  I regret that it has come to this.  (I hope this doesn't mean that I have to surrender my Predators' team jersey, hat, pennant, autographed poster, beer stein, teddy bear, figurines, game puck, bumper sticker, jacket, hockey stick, mylar balloon, collector series key chain, Sun Microsystems stock option, locker room pass and other miscellaneous items donated to me by the team captain.)  The Mooj has a big heart and makes it known to all Predators that there is always room for them on The Mooj Freedom Bus, should they wish to join me on my trek to freedom.

Too many News Channels - Not Enough News

I turned on the telly,
Sat back—rubbed my belly

What more can a lonely Queen do?

We’re tuned into Fox News
And frankly we’re not amused
For we’re fed left-leaning, biased views

I'm sad to say
That it happens each day
I've seen better times on the loo

C-N-B-C
Thy ignorance is key
Their redundancy is killing me

Cable News Networks?
Communist, whacko news burps
Pip-pip, I say
Each morning and day
Tis' true Ted and Jane are Jerks!

The All News Channel
Open my window to yell,
"I think I died and went to Hell!"

National Network News
Read to me thy mindless fools!
Then, together, slap our heads with our shoes
 
Headline News?
Where's the Beef?

Oh this subject
Oh what grief!

And now for our top story:

An Anxious nation waits in agony over the fate of John F. Kennedy Jr., the son of the late John F. Kennedy and Jackie O'.  The nation is grieving in silent prayer for the entire Kennedy clan including His sister Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg blah blah blah blah blah Kennedy and blah blah blah Kennedy Kennedy Kennedy, blah blah blah blah blah blah Martha's Vineyard blah blah blah Airplanes blah blah blah blah blah President Clinton said blah blah blah. Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, Coast Guard search and rescue blah blah blah blah blah blah Blah Blah Blah blah blah blah!

Good Night, Blah blah blah

[Mooj Note:  The Mooj seriously doubts that this really came from the Queen of England.  But just in case it really did I added it to the newsletter.]

The Mooj Freedom Network came up with a novel plan to hide my nocturnal digging by setting up a looped recording of me playing my guitar to cover the sound of the hammer jack I rented.  The Mooj Cam was also devised as a clever ploy to make my lack of presence on surveillance equipment seem commonplace.  (The Mooj needed a way of hiding my disappearance as soon as I broke through the cell floor and exited the sinkhole to freedom.)  Everything was going on track until June 28, when something unfortunate happened:  Attorney General Janet Reno became a Mooj Head and began watching The Mooj Cam religiously (hoping to catch a glimpse of me).  Soon, she began to suspect the obvious and my escape plans slowly became unrealistic.  (In fact, she was so sure that I had already escaped that she assigned The FBI's best special agent to track me.  How this fellow, a guy named Special Agent Ziggy, knew I was planning to escape to The Caribbean is a complete mystery to me.)

My bad luck turned worse on July 3rd, when after finally causing the sinkhole [under my cell] to collapse, I discovered that once inside the sinkhole I had nowhere to go.  I was trapped and had to be rescued (along with most of the other prisoners in my cell block) by The Chester County Fire Department.  To make matters worse the sinkhole filled with sewage before we could be extracted.  The Mooj was relocated to a new cell and The Mooj Freedom Network had to return to the drawing board.

Then The Mooj Freedom Network came up with an even better idea: A prisoner swap!  For this special assignment I had to choose someone I could trust.  Thus, I turned to my old pal Lance Worthy.  Lance has already described for you our clever ploy so I will spare you the details here.  I should add, however, that Lance did a fantastic job of occupying my cell and eluding The Mooj Cam, allowing me a good two-day head start before my disappearance was noticed.

On the day Lance and I swapped places in jail the Mooj Freedom Bus, specially chartered by The Mooj Freedom Network to take me south to Florida, was waiting outside in the parking lot.  As soon as I was safely on board the bus the Freedom Convoy began its long trip south, leaving the friendly confines of Chester County, PA, once and for all.

Well that's all for this week.  Tune in next week for Part II, where I begin the stirring narrative of my first few days on the lam.