THE MOOJ WEEKLY STANDARD

First Things First.

I took the liberty of checking the old Mooj Cam yesterday and noticed that Lance Worthy was still occupying my old jail cell.  I'm not sure why Lance wishes to remain in the jail.  As far as I know Chester County Jail officials have told him that he can leave.  In fact, they are trying desperately to evict him since he's not an official prisoner and the prison is experiencing a budget crunch this year.  I can't imagine why Lance would choose to remain in the jail.  (Unless...oh, of course.  Never mind.)

Speaking of Lance Worthy, I must apologize, again, for his rough treatment of randomly selected Mooj minions while sitting in for me last week (while I was on the lam).  The Mooj Mail Bag was filled to the brim this week with complaints about Lance.  When Lance finally leaves The Chester County Jail I will ask him to personally write to all those he offended and apologize.  Deep down inside Lance is basically a good guy.  In fact, if I'm not mistaken, he has won numerous awards for his congeniality in the adult film business.  Lance is a man of action, true; but he is also a very nice and caring guy once you get to know him.

La-a-a-nce Werdy, mon, ya should be ashaymed ov yaself!  I'm goin die-rectly to de A-tany Generaless Jane Reno and getin de indictment for ya self and that Mooj fella!  I was hot on da trail of dat man Mooj in da Caribbean, mon, I knew I-twas him, mon!  Dat fool tawt eee cud mock and dis creidit me by a-cuusin me of smokin dat ritual ganja!  Well let me tell you sumtin!  Ain’t no rasta man! I don't worship Haile Selasi and I don't let a man accuse me of either!  You helped dat Mooj escayp an I’m gon be da one to bring I'm bok dayd o'alyve! Ya, mon, de indictment on you will be based on yer admission dat you were de accomplice who helped him bus out of dat Chester County Jail!   Well before I'm dun wit da two of ye I'll have you holed up in the Federal Pen at Marion!  My Promise to you!

Special Agent Ziggy!

What in the World is this fellow saying?  Is this the same Special Agent Ziggy that wrote to me a few weeks ago? I guess his stint in the drug rehab didn't do him a bit of good.  Special Agent Ziggy, I suggest you take a few weeks off.

---

Mooj, don't you think that your page would be some more fun if it had some activities such as surveys and games?  The intellectual stimulation sometimes just doesn't cut it.  Isn't there a game called "Lance-Man"?  I hear it is similar to Pac-Man, but Lance has to eat all of the sausages before advancing to the next level.  Including some leisure time activities may increase the traffic on your page even more.

Thanks!
S.S.S

Thanks S.S.S.  I'm afraid you are correct.  Readership of The Mooj Weekly Standard has been way down lately and I'm not sure what to do.  Rest assured, however, that I am planning new and exciting things for the future.  As soon as the dust settles on my escape and I establish a semi permanent hiding place I'll get things rolling again.

---

Hey Mooj, 

Your Homepage is wrong.  It says: "All Mooj, All the Time."  But that's not really true since you let Lance Worthy sit in for you every once in a while.  Just thought I'd point that out to you.

A loyal fan,
Maryann C.

You are correct.  I'm sorry that I don't have anymore Mooj bumper stickers left but for spotting my error I'll send you a "South of the Border" bumper sticker with a picture of some guy named "Pepe" on it.  (I got it for free when I stopped to pick up some fireworks in South Carolina.)  Hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

---

Dear Mooj,

I have taken a personal interest in your case and receive daily updates on the worldwide manhunt for you since your escape from the Chester County Jail.  Rest assured that Special Agent Ziggy is one of our best and he will eventually capture you!  That Aside, I am prepared to offer you amnesty for the escape from the Chester County Jail if you were to locate John F. Kennedy Jr. and his body plus the other passengers on board.  I hear that your psychic abilities are unequaled in all the world, even surpassing those of  Uri Geller and the "Sleeping Prophet"  Edgar Casey.  (I'm really not a bootlicker or an apple polisher but Hillary said she will have my head if I don't locate that plane.)  While you are at it can you try to examine the events prior to the crash?  I am hoping that you can verify my theory that those damn "Paparazzi" were chasing John-John in their own aircraft and that one of them may have either cut him off or made him fly so fast that he was pushing the envelope as they say in Top Gun. Anyway, you know where to reach me.

Thanks Buddy,
Louie Freeh
Director FBI

The Mooj suspects that this letter is a hoax and will not bother responding.  I will, however, admit that the "paparazzi" theory is a good one.

To Craig in Pullman, Or:  Craig, I can't tell you your winning Lotto numbers because you are not pure of heart.  I suggest you try to make a better impression on me by donating to one of my many special progressive social funds.  That lady from Texas, I should point out, was a Mooj Super Fund Gold Star Winner.  Since becoming a Mooj Head in 1997 she has donated more than $10,000 to many of my special social causes.  And, I might add, she has done this against the wishes of her friends and family, who know that this poor woman can't even afford to eat let alone pay out huge sums of money to some crook she never met.  So Craig, when you can demonstrate that kind of selflessness I'll reconsider your plea for winning Lotto numbers! Try to think of others for a change.

To Darnel M., Athens, GA:  Hey you fool, Bootsie [your cat] is trying to tell you that he is hungry!  Just because you're a vegetarian doesn't mean your cat is also.  Good heavens, man, haven't you noticed that Bootsie hasn't touched a drop of that tofu and organic brussel sprout crap you keep putting into his cat dish?
 
To Karen J., Vermillion, IN:  Good jobs in Government are aplenty!  I have a few sources inside the beltway that tell me that Al Gore is looking for a few "no loads" to follow him around this summer and cheer for him whenever he makes public appearances.  For more information contact algore@mooj.com.

To Mark E., Fighting Illini, Class of '81: Egad!  So you were the infamous enema bandit!  Normally I would help you but since I was one of your victims I won't tell you a thing.  I will say, however, that in the end [no pun intended] it would be a far, far better thing that you do to give yourself up and pay your debt to society like I was doing until I escaped from jail.           

To Jeff in Gay Head, MA: First of all is there really a town called Gay Head in Massachusetts? I have a feeling Jeff is pulling our leg with this one.  Anyway, Jeff, I suggest you take better care in your relationships.  Instead of being worried about email viruses you should be worried about "female" viruses.  Go see your doctor.

To Monty in Glendale, CA:  Beware! You are in serious danger.  Someone is trying to kill you.  I'm not sure who this person is but you know him [or her] very well.  And what's worse is your "enemy" has planned to "bump you off" over the July 4th weekend.  Ooops, what's today's date?  Something tells me I should have posted this message in an earlier newsletter.  This whole escape business has got me completely backlogged.  Sorry about that Monty.

To Betty in Belchertown, MA:  What is it with these Massachusetts' town names?  Is there really a place called Belchertown in Massachusetts?  Anyway, Betty, cheer up.  Things will turn out fine.  Yes, I know your mother-in-law is coming to live with you and she can be quite bothersome at times but look at the bright side:  at least now your good-for-nothing, fat, lazy husband will have to stop walking around the house naked.

To H.H. in Lansing, MI:  H.H., you're nothing but a low-life scum.  But you will get yours, believe me!  That meth lab you're running out of your basement is about to get raided.  And not by the DEA, either!  It's worse!  A thousand times worse I tell you.  It's OSHA—they're coming to check to see if you're lab is CFR 1910.2(a) certified (and I bet it's not).