Written and Edited by Mujaputtia Umbababbaraba, Poet Divine  
Sitting in for The Mooj this week is Lance Worthy, Esq.
First Things First. Well, by now most of you know that The Mooj has successfully escaped from the Chester County Jail.  While The Mooj is heading south (with the help of the elaborate Mooj Freedom Network) I have been asked to sit in and assume editorial duties for The Mooj Weekly Standard.  The Mooj told me to assure his minions everywhere that he will resume his editorial duties as soon as he is safely established in his new secret location.  The Mooj actually escaped from jail a few days ago and his absence wasn't noticed until last night.  Through an elaborate ruse, The Mooj convinced the prison authorities that he was unable to be photographed for religious reasons.  Out of respect, prison authorities removed surveillance equipment from the entire cell block.  The Mooj was also able to buy valuable time by misleading Pennsylvania Corrections Authorities into believing that he'd first go to Dutch Wonderland in Lancaster, PA.  There they wasted valuable time searching for The Mooj while he was safely headed to freedom in the opposite direction.  

I am not at liberty to discuss The Mooj's exact escape route but I will tell you that he is retracing the exact route taken by John Wilkes Booth, when he too eluded Federal Authorities.  (The Mooj has even planned to jump from the balcony at Ford's Theater since he is such a melodramatic person.)  By now the Mooj should be safely across the Potomac River.  

I assisted The Mooj in planning and executing the escape.  Last week, as planned, I visited The Mooj in jail.  When no one was looking we exchanged clothes and I took his place on the inmate side of the visiting table.  When the guard returned he escorted me back to The Mooj's cell and The Mooj was free to walk outside to his freedom. (Kind of like how they did it in Tale of Two Cities.)  Our plan was foolproof!  One thing we forgot to cover, though, was how I was going to get out of the jail.  I'm still here as we speak.

Well, enough of that crap, it's now time to get on with business.

Ask The Mooj Lance 
I'm not sure how The Mooj puts up with all the idiots who write in to him.  While sifting through The Mooj Mail Bag I came across nothing but crap.  The Mooj told me to answer his mail to the best of my ability so that I will do.

Dear Mr. Mooj:

I need your help.  I have ten degrees in the arts of the mind, psychology, psychiatry, marital and family counseling, home economics, Dr. Spock's method of Child rearing, etc.  My problem is that my so-called "friends" are mad at me! Why? They say my lovely angelic "Little Willie" puts a strain on their relationship with me.  I don't have any problems with them.  (Except that they torture their kids by making them sit through church EVERY SUNDAY.)  They also use an ever escalating continuum of force against their kids to discipline them (i.e., first they talk to the kid; and if the kid doesn't respond, they escalate to putting the kid in the corner until he/she screams its little head off.  When the corner doesn’t work they take away rights such as TV, video games, favorite activities and then can you believe it—they actually spank their kids?  I mean what’s next?  The electric chair?  Not only that but what if the kid decides he or she's not gonna put up with that crap and decides that hitting mom/dad back will settle the score?  Anyway Mooj, I have all the degrees, I know all the Pop Psycho-Babble buzzwords that will just about shut down most experts in the psych field today and certainly most of my neighbors in rural Oregon but How do I convince my old friends and neighbors that school is the proper forum to address discipline and socialization issues?  I mean seriously, my little Willie is gonna be in school for at least 18 years (and more if someone gives him the money to go to college).  I only have about 4-5 years to just hang out with him and watch him be nature boy in the woods around our home!   What I'm saying is that the schools are better equipped to teach kids how to behave and they have more time to do it.  I'm not selfish, I just don't want my Little Willie growing up hating me for ruining his life with rules; Life is too short to have to obey anything at that age.  Besides, Little Willie is so little he can't help it if everyone picks on him because of his size; he is just reacting as any other animal would and defending himself when he bites and scratches me, no, no, no, I mean other kids. I get so much enjoyment out of just watching him grow!  My husband and I don't want to even interact with him because we feel it would spoil his fun!   By the way, Little Willie is 3 years 3 months and he still isn't toilet trained.  HE also doesn't speak, just kind of grunts this cute little hoarse grunt, especially when he wants to eat at Carl's Junior restaurant.  The other day I was rushing to my doctor's and we passed a Carl's Junior on the road.  Well, Little Willie saw it (HE is so smart I think he can already read) and started grunting.  I was late so I didn't stop and you know the grunting got louder and louder until he worked himself up into a frenzy.  He shook the mini van so hard because he was jumping up and down in his car seat that I nearly lost control!  I had to turn around and go back because Little Willie wanted Carl's Jr. for lunch.  Needless to say I missed my dialysis appointment and my body went into toxic shock but Little Willie got his Carl's Junior.  Well Mooj, as you can see I love my little Willie and I can't understand why we piss everyone else off! Can you help?

Mountain Mamma Sandy, Somewhere in Oregon
 
Listen, you tree hugging, left wing whacko, it's people like you that send worthless children into the world.  I'm a taxpayer and I'll be damned if I'm going to support your kid for the rest of his life.  People like you are why people like me have to work our butt's off to make a decent living.  Your "Willie" will be nothing but a parasite to America and will wind up in jail.  I hope I don't offend you when I say that you are about as stupid as the pile of commune crap you and your hippie friends have left to simmer on the summer compost pile.  Get a life you hairy freak!   

Dear Mooj,

How can I find true inner peace?

Jim in Walla Walla, WA.

Jim, you're nuttier that a fruitcake!  Instead of wasting time trying to find "inner peace," why don't you try and figure out why you don't have any friends.  (Unless you want to call that 'blow-up toy' hiding under your bed a friend.)  Get a life! 

Mr. Mooj,

I Like you.  You funny, funny guy.  Can I be your friend?

Kenji in Denver, CO.

Hey Kenji, me no like you.  Get a life!

El Mujo,

Soy un gran ventilador el tuyo. Deseo ser buenos amigos con usted. Puedo pedir prestado algo de su ingenio para impresionar mi novia?

Jose D. de El Paso, TX.

Hey Jose, this is America!  Speak American or go back to wherever it was you and the other 60 people in the back of that pickup truck came from.  Get a life!

Hey Mooj,

I need your help.  I just got my 12 year old cousin pregnant and I'm not sure what to do.  What would you do?

Gilbert, Mingo County, WV.

Hey Gilbert, you're about as sharp as a box of river stones.  I'd give you advice but I know you're too dumb to take it.  I suggest that you never leave Mingo County, WV during your lifetime (it just wouldn't be fair to the rest of the world).   

Well, that's all folks.  That was only a small sampling of the kind of ignorance I encountered trying to find at least one item worthy of response.  I don't know how The Mooj does it; he must be a better man than I.

Cook's Corner 
For God's sake!  Why in the world would normal people send recipes into a poetry journal?  I found fifteen recipes in the mail bag this week.  And who the hell is this guy calling himself, "G.G. the Polish Stallion"?  This kielbasa posing freak sent in ten pictures of himself holding his "meat package" in various odd poses.  Strange, G.G., very strange!  And speaking of strange, some other guy sent in a photo of himself holding a tube of Mentos candy in one hand and a jar of [omitted] in the other!  And what exactly was this person going to do?  And why?
The Psychic Mooj Lance 
Lance Worthy is a man of action but he isn't a psychic.  He does, however, know when someone is totally worthless to society.  I'll let you guys judge for yourselves.  Here's a random sample of requests for free psychic advice:

Mooj, I, too, am poor and unfortunate.  Please tell me my winning Lotto numbers like you did for that lady in Texas.
Craig H., Pullman, OH.

Mr. Mooj.  My cat is trying to tell me something.  I can't speak cat.  Can you tell me what Bootsie is trying to say?
Darnel M., Athens, GA.

Great and Omnipotent Mooj, please tell me how I can get a job with the Federal Government.  I am willing to do anything it takes, except work.
Karen J., Vermillion, IN.

Mooj.  I have spent nearly 20 years in hiding.  Do you think it's now safe for me to surface or do you think the University of Illinois Police Department is still looking for the so-called "enema bandit."
Mark E., Fighting Illini, Class of '81.

I rest my case!

Closing Thoughts 
Well, that's about all I can muster on short notice.  I thank you for your attention and look forward to seeing you again sometime in the near future.  As I already told you The Mooj will be back next week, once he has completed his journey to freedom.

Your Pal,
Lance Worthy, Man of Action and Good Deeds.

 
Return to Archives Page
Go to Mooj Poems
Return to Mooj Homepage