Mooj, this letter is for Garry Bradford (minion 965):

Garry, 

I saw your letter in The Mooj Weekly Standard last week about Bear Creek Mountain. You won’t believe this but I know exactly where Bear Creek Mountain is because I grew up near there (in Upper Macungie Township, PA). I am probably about ten years younger than you are. The constable of Upper Macungie Township back in those days was a guy named Maurice O’Leary. He was undoubtedly the same guy that chased you down the mountain that night when you were driving your dad’s ’58 Rambler. I’m also pretty sure that your date that night was a girl name Claire O’Conner. She was my cousin! My uncle (Claire’s father) was a man named Patrick O’Conner and he was really good friends with Constable O’Leary. I was over my uncle’s house the night Constable O’Leary came over and told Uncle Patrick about the "smart ass punk" in the Nash Rambler that had brought his daughter up to Bear Creek Mountain. He also told Uncle Patrick about your car chase. My uncle was furious and when Claire came home that night he really let her have it. The next day he sent her off to a convent and my poor cousin Claire had to become a nun just like her older sister Genevieve. Claire’s still a nun as far as I know.

Anyway, enough about all that. The real reason I’m writing to you is to share my Bear Creek Mountain story with you (and my fellow Mooj minions). It’s pretty funny. To be honest I hadn’t thought about Bear Creek Mountain in a long, long time. My adventure takes place the night before I left to go to army boot camp (June 1968). I went to Bear Creek Mountain with my friends for one last get-together. We ate some psychedelic mushrooms that night and decided to go skinny-dipping in the creek. We were all totally freaking out when Constable O’Leary showed up and tried to bust us. The girls in our group started screaming and ran naked into the woods so O’Leary chased after them. Us guys decided that since O’Leary had so graciously left his squad car unattended that we would steal it and take it for a joy ride. We hopped in totally naked and drove it back down into town and cruised all over with the siren wailing, the lights flashing and our naked butts hanging out the windows. It was a total riot and most of the kids in town thought we were the coolest guys ever! I have no idea what happened after that because the next morning I had to catch a train to Fort Dix.

Patrick Donovan,
Sarasota, FLA

Dear Mooj,

I wonder if the Bear Creek Mountain mentioned in last week’s newsletter (Vol 5. No. 14) was the same one that was near my old hometown of Lower Macungie Township, PA. Back when I was a kid growing up there my friends and I were always hanging out on that mountain to party. There was this old township constable then named O’Leary and he was always patrolling the mountaintop trying to bust people. One night during the summer of 1981 my pals and I were there drinking Thunderbird Wine (Say, what’s the word? Say Thunderbird. Say, what’s the price—Say 50 twice). Back then I had this bitchen red and white ‘76 Ford Gran Torino (it looked just like the one that was on the TV show Starsky and Hutch). O’Leary thought he was being Mr. Smooth by creeping up on us with his lights off but we saw him coming. My friends and I cranked up my car stereo and then hid in the woods. When O’Leary arrived on the scene he shined his spotlight on my car and used his loud speaker to tell us that we were all busted. After getting no response from my empty car he exited his patrol car to investigate. While he was rifling through my car looking for dope and stuff my buddies and I crawled out from the woods and hid under his car. We unbolted his gear shifter and reversed it (just like they did in the movie Porky’s). Then we crept back into the woods and waited for him to get back into his car. As soon as he was behind the wheel of his car we ran into the road, hung him BAs, and then jumped into my car to escape. O’Leary put his car into drive (or so he thought) and then drove backwards right into the creek! My buddies and I laughed our asses off the whole way down the mountain. Lucky for me just about every other kid in Lower and Upper Macungie Townships also had red and white ‘76 Gran Torinos or I’d have been totally busted.

Jeff Hodges,
Sampson, NY

Great and Groovy One:

I loved the story about Bear Creek Mountain in your latest newsletter. We also had a Bear Creek Mountain near where I grew in Upper Macungie Township, PA. One night back in 1990 my varsity baseball team and I went up there to celebrate. We had just won the regional championship and our coach bought us a keg of Schmidt’s Beer. We were all totally wasted when this 90-year old constable guy showed up and tried to bust us. Several of the guys took his gun away from him and then tied him to a tree. The poor old guy fell asleep while he struggled to free himself. After we were done partying we untied the old geezer and lied him down on the backseat of his squad car. I always felt bad about what we did but we were just kids then and didn’t know any better.

H. K.,
Lehigh, PA

Mooj,

How cool! Would you believe that I live near the Bear Creek Mountain mentioned in your newsletter last month? It’s our hangout. I go up there all the time with my friends to chill. Every time we’re up there this old guy shows up and hassles us. He claims to be the township constable but I doubt it since he’s gotta be 100 year’s old! We pretty much just ignore the guy. He seems pretty harmless. He seems so bitter towards us kids. I wish he’d just leave us alone.

Nguyen Minh,
Upper Macungie Township, PA

Dear Mooj,

I am proud to inform you that the People for the Ethical Treatment of Humans (PETH) has awarded you with their prestigious Most Righteous Dude of 2001 Award. Feel free to post our dainty little logo on your web site and tell your friends and followers about this great honor. We are very proud of you Mr. Mooj! You give meaning to the term Righteous Dude! Party on and take no prisoners.

Dr. Seth Stingray
President of PETH

Dear Mooj,

I’ve read many a tragic love tale in my life but none that tugged upon my heartstrings like the one in your last newsletter by Marcie Martin-Silver about Randy Goodman. I too had a tragic love. Here is my sad little tale if you so desire to read it:

The girl I fell in love with was named Kelly Springfield. She lived down the street from me when I was growing up in Hawthorne, CA. She was the most beautiful girl I ever saw! Words cannot describe her beauty but for the sake of illustration let me just say that she had long blond hair, dark green eyes and the perfect Hawaiian Tropic tan. She always wore those blue and white Dolphin shorts, too! Like most of the boys in school I didn’t feel worthy of being in her presence and pretty much loved her from afar.

Rather than boor you and your readers with a lengthy account of how Kelly and I became friends, let me just say that we did, and that one day I took a chance and told her how I felt. Kelly was a rather insensitive gal and laughed in my face and told me that I wasn’t her type. I just pretended that I was only kidding but deep down inside I was devastated. I felt like she slugged me in the heart with a sludge hammer. I was so distraught that I dropped out of school and joined the navy. That was back in April 1982.

As the years wore on I could never shake Kelly from my mind. I tried but it was of no use. Every woman I dated or married later in life just couldn’t compare. I became haunted by her image and I couldn’t stop thinking of her no matter what I did. I became obsessed with finding her again and so I contacted old friends and classmates but no one knew her whereabouts. I  put ads in the paper and scoured the phonebooks of all major U.S. cities and towns. But I found nothing and it was as if she had vanished into thin air.

Then finally in 1999 I got my first big break: I located a brother of hers in a halfway house in San Gabriel. From him I learned that Kelly was divorced and living in Texas. He didn’t have her address but he knew that she was living in Houston. I drove to Texas as fast as I could and found her name and address in a Houston telephone book. I went to the address but she had moved. I bribed her former landlord into giving me a copy of her rental agreement and from that I obtained her work address. I went there but Kelly wasn’t there anymore. Her former boss didn’t seem to remember anything about her until I slipped him a $20 bill and then he suddenly remembered that she moved to Fort Worth. I drove there as fast as I could and found her name and address in a phone book. I called the number and heard her voice for the first time in over 20 years. I didn’t say a word and just hung up. I jumped into my car and drove to her address and parked in front of her house.

As I sat there I realized that I didn’t have a plan. I had spent nearly $500,000 and countless hours searching for Kelly and now that I finally found her I didn’t know what to do. Deep down inside I guess I just figured that I’d never find her. Part of me wanted to run right up to her door and ring the bell and part of me wanted to wait until I could think of what to say to her.

And then I saw her! She came out of her house and got into the car that was parked in her driveway. It was Kelly Springfield all right! No doubt about it! But she didn’t exactly look like she did back in 1982. From where I was sitting she looked really old and like she had gained tons of weight. To be honest she was—er, how do I say this without being too unkind—ugly!!!! I mean butt ugly! Suddenly I realized that I really wasn’t that in love with her anymore and so I started my car up and drove away without even looking back. Ain’t love funny sometimes?

Brendan Cole
Hermosa Beach, CA.

Swamaji,

I enjoy your website. Although I am not an official Mooj minion I do read your newsletters all the time and feel that you serve some useful purpose to someone out there. I’ve been meaning for months to send in my story but I never got around to it until now. I would guess that my story falls into that "horrifying confession" category. I can assure you that it is true in most respects; however, time has erased some of the finer details. Take it for what it’s worth.

My story takes place dozens of years ago in the town of Tonopah, Nevada. I was there on a business trip and came across an old pioneer cemetery. I had always been a bit of a history buff so I decided to stop and take a look.

The cemetery was about 100 yards from the road and down a steep incline. From where I stood on the road I could see a tractor below scrapping the ground and exposing the tops of the caskets. The caskets were all those old "pine box types," like you see in old westerns. While I was standing there an old man saw me and walked up the embankment to introduce himself. He claimed that he was a member of the Sons of the Nevada Pioneers Association and was in charge of the excavation. I was curious about what was going on and so I asked him about it. He explained that a developer had bought land adjacent to the cemetery and so the Sons of the Nevada Pioneers Association were asked by the State of Nevada to survey the boundaries of the graveyard. Since none of the graves were marked properly the only way to actually verify the boundary was to uncover the graves.

Later that evening while I was eating dinner I was seized upon by a ghastly idea. Normally I’m a very honest person and would never think of doing anything so illegal but I was blinded by greed. At that time I was working for a medical supply company and knew the value of genuine human skulls. There was a large demand for them since dental students used them to practice on. My plan was basically to return to that old "uncovered" pioneer graveyard and steal some old skulls. Back in those days a skull in decent shape could fetch between $1,000 and $2,000 a pop.

That night as I sat in my motel room I sipped from a bottle of Wild Turkey to calm my nerves. Then after midnight I crept into my rental car and drove to that old pioneer graveyard. While I drove there I thought to myself that I would never have the guts to pull off the heist. But then I thought of the money and that kept me going. When I finally arrived at the graveyard it was very late and there wasn’t another living soul around for miles. The caskets were still exposed and easy to pry open. I found that the skulls popped right off the skeletons and so within an hour I had stolen most of the skulls in the graveyard.

The next day I skipped all my sales calls and went about cleaning and cataloging my stolen artifacts. Then I made a few phone calls and within the hour I had sold the lot and netted over $30,000.

I wish I could say that there was a happy ending to this story but there isn’t. It really wasn’t until a few weeks afterwards that I realized that I had overstepped the bounds of human decency and done something totally unholy. I was never one of those guys that believed in ghosts or bad karma or anything but soon I began to realize that I was in big trouble. Big trouble!

I wish I had the courage to finish this letter but I don’t (at least not right now). Let’s just say that what happened next was really, really horrifying and I paid for my sin against humanity! I’ll never do that again!

"The Haunted Man"
Mesa, AZ.

Dear Mr. Mooj,

Sgt. Rock Smith of the Bel Air Fire Dept. here. We were called out late last night to fight a fire at your Grizzly Duck warehouse and were successful in saving the building and some of your inventory. However, most of your stock of Mooj.com T-shirts were destroyed or damaged. I'm sorry to say that at best, less than a dozen survived and I assume you will have a great deal of trouble in keeping up with your orders. If that abandoned Mooj Freedom Bus hadn't been blocking the fire hydrants we would have been able to extinguish the blaze before it spread. I highly recommend that you tip off your favorite minions to order A.S.A.P. as the few remaining will no doubt become collector's items once word gets out about the scarcity of said items. I imagine they will be valued at hundreds if not thousands of dollars apiece.

We did what we could ...
Sgt. Rock

Mooj,

AWESOME!!! I just got a Mooj Shirt!!! I was down on my luck roaming from street corner to dumpster day after day. At the shelter they were giving out blankets and jackets and toothpaste and soap but I saw your T-shirt and said, "That's for ME!!" Gotta say I love how you incorporated the leaf of the "evil-weed" on the back, man. That is HOT! May I suggest that next time you do a T-shirt, print a street friendly hemp shirt?

Professor of Political Science
Omu Matafua,
Cal Berkeley

Dearest Mooj ...

I was recently trekking in the Great North Woods and came across a cabin nearly hidden by the great snowstorm of Dec. As I drew nearer I saw a pattern on the door window (pic included). It certainly looks like some sort of animal was trapped and had tried to claw its way out. I must admit that I freaked out as this area is know for it's Bigfoot (or large ape) sightings and I ran away (not easy on snowshoes). When I developed the pic, it occurred to me that this may not have been Bigfoot at all but some poor soul trapped by the great drifts of snow. Then folks told me that there was a Buddhist monk who goes by the name of "Y" doing a winter meditation retreat somewhere in the area but no one knew exactly where and no one had heard from him since before the first of the year. I have tried to return but cannot find the location and now I am plagued with guilt. What should I do ?

If you can help me I promise to purchase one of your new official 2002 Mooj T-shirts if you have any left.

Ben Dover,
Thinking of becoming a minion

Dearest Mooj ...

Thought I would pass this on for you to share with your minions. It's always nice to find free advice and to know so many folks are looking out for us and willing to tell us how to live our lives in the correct manner.

Al Grabass

--------------

God's law:

Laura Schlessinger is a Jewish radio person who dispenses advise to callers. She recently said that as a practising orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstances. The following is an open letter to her from a US resident.

Dear Dr Laura,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's law. I have learned a great deal from your show and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. However, I do need advice from you regarding some other specific laws and how to follow them.

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord (Lev 1:9). The problem is my neighbours' attitude. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus (Ex 21:7). In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman when she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev 15: 19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence!

d) Lev 25: 44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not to Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own a Canadian?

e) I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35: 2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obliged to kill him myself?

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev 11: 10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

g) Lev 21: 20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some room to manoeuvre here?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev 19:27. How should they die?

i) I know from Lev 11: 6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play gridiron if I wear gloves?

j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev 19: 19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them (Lev 24:10-16)? Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private affair as we do with people who sleep with their in-laws (Lev 20: 14)?

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple

My boyfriend and I are exchanging our Christmas gifts this Sunday, Jan. 11, 2002. His only hint was that it was green. Do you know what it could be? Will he be proposing me on this day?

I am interested in learning more about my Inner guide to become some type of psychic and see what kind of abilities I may receive. I believe I am clairaudient. What do you see in my future as a psychic? What abilities will I have?

Teresa Moran
Vernon, CT

Contact_FullName: Jerry
Contact_Title:
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Contact_Email: cm9972@hotmail.com
Contact_URL: cm9972.blogspot.com
Personal_DateOfBirth: 6/9/72
Personal_Sex: Male
Personal_Height: 1.87
Personal_Weight: 95 kg
Personal_HairColor: Brown
Personal_EyeColor: Green
Born: The Netherlands - via the birth canal
School: I graduated from a prestigious private college
Finances: Well off

Special:

I write poetry. My poetry web page is http://cm9972.blogspot.com/ (all recent) if there are some poems that you like then send me an email.

Essay:

I am not worthy - but don't you love a trier?

A wise and ancient sole gave unsolicited wisdom to my spiritual advisor not withstanding I did not, elicit the great unfounded words of guidance. It was once said that a man is not truly a man without the knowledge of the karmic itch. I ask you here and now oh mighty mooj, is it or is it not the work of the divine creator to punish these not truly worthy of cleaning thy self. I have lived my life to what I thought was nothing but the most pure of pure paths. Please help me find my way back to the white light of every pureness. mooj am I worthy!!??

Regards to the most I, mooj

PLEASE waiting for your most urgent reply,
Malcolm Morrison

Mooj,

I just stuck a dollar bill under my monitor. Could I trouble you for the first few digits of the serial number? Please don't be offended by the skepticism - I just have been fooled a lot.

Contact_FullName: Tom Leghorn
Contact_Title: Cashier
Contact_Organization: John Brown Wax Museum
Contact_StreetAddress:14 High St.
Contact_Address2:
Contact_City: Harpers Ferry
Contact_State: WV
Contact_ZipCode: 25425
Contact_Country: USA
Contact_WorkPhone: 304 535-6342
Contact_HomePhone:
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Contact_Email: 
Contact_URL: 
Personal_DateOfBirth: 3/19/66
Personal_Sex: Male
Personal_Height: 5-11
Personal_Weight: 295 
Personal_HairColor: Brown
Personal_EyeColor: Brown
Born: In USA
School: ?
Finances: SOL

Special:

Essay:

Mooj, I love you.  I am but a simple cashier, who pays his taxes and collects his due.  I am humble and just.  

Hi,

I want to know how the man I've been attracted to feels about me. I haven't seen him in over a year and still think about him a lot. We used to work together, and I had a feeling he was attracted to me too, but we never told one another how we felt. He was married at the time and I'm in a long term relationship. Will I ever see him again? How does he feel about me? Should I look him up and tell him how I feel?

Tanya D.
Plymouth, Massachusetts

Contact_FullName: Latoya Peña 
Contact_Title: Bar Tender/Dancer/Singer
Contact_Organization: Hotel Cabo San Lucas
Contact_StreetAddress: 24 Halifax, B.C.S., 23410, Mexico
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Contact_WorkPhone: 011-52(624)14314-62
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Personal_DateOfBirth: 12/22/83
Personal_Sex: Female
Personal_Height: 1.79m
Personal_Weight: 79 kg 
Personal_HairColor: Blond (dye)
Personal_EyeColor: Brown
Born: Cabo San Lucas
School: Graduated high school
Finances: Well off

Special:

Essay:

Within the last month or so many new astronomical declarations strongly impacted the world of astrology and the world at large. First, yet another black hole (XTE J1950-511) was discovered. Then Astronomers announced that the Sun is experiencing a second peak in its solar maximus this week and lastly a new centaur was posted. Talk about a strong start to a new year - just in case you hadn't noticed.  Oh, did I also mention that I am naked right now?

Yeah buddy!

Texas A&M is gonna kick TCU’s butt in the Galleryfurniture.com Bowl!!! TCU sucks!!!!

The brothers of Gamma Phi Delta,
Texas A&M

Mooj Man,

Enclosed is a photo I took on Spesutia Island in Maryland. It’s of a liquor store that gives Mooj Head discounts. Isn’t that counter-harmonic? Shouldn’t your minions be abstaining from drinking? Most Yogis teach their followers to avoid alcohol. I am a devotee of Jnyanayogi Sri Siddeshwar for almost 4 years now and abstain from all vices.

Loud and Proud,
Vijay Kanduhar